He looked down. He only seemed to notice then that his fists were clenched, but he didn’t—or couldn’t—relax them before raising his head to meet her gaze again. “Would you have felt the same way when you realized I couldn’t tell you why we’d fought the duel?”
Dread. Yes, that was the emotion she was feeling above any other. She didn’t want to have this conversation with Charles because she didn’t want to know the truth. The real reason he’d fought that duel.
“You fought over a woman.”
He didn’t reply, but the way his mouth twisted into a slight grimace told her everything. Was she forever doomed to give her heart to men who were destined to break it? For one thing had become abundantly clear to her: despite her attempts to shield herself from hurt, the man standing before her now had her heart.
He took a step closer but stopped when she took a corresponding one back. “I’m not going to hurt you, damn it, nor am I going to force myself on you.”
“Given my previous experience with men who are content to lie to me, you’ll have to excuse me if my instinct to protect myself takes over.”
His jaw tensed and a brief flash of guilt hit her before she pushed it aside. She could almost see him mentally sifting through what he wanted to say to her.
They stood facing each other for several long moments. Her eyes darted down to his hands again, which had opened and closed, and she realized he was trying to keep himself from reaching out for her.
Unable to bear the silence, she spoke first. “Why didn’t you tell me the truth? I know you didn’t live the life of a monk.” She couldn’t help the bitter laugh that escaped. “If I was under any illusions before, your prowess in the bedroom proved otherwise.”
“Ellen—”
The sound of her name on his lips, the emotion behind it tortured, reminded her too much of the nights they’d spent together. “Do you regret lying to me?”
Resignation settled in his expression. “I won’t lie to you again. Given the same circumstances, and knowing what I do now, I wouldn’t change a thing.”
She’d expected him to prevaricate, and so it took her a moment to find her voice. “And what circumstances are those?”
“All of it. I’d approach you the same way and I wouldn’t change one thing that happened between us. I knew we’d be good together, but to make you see it—” One corner of his mouth lifted in a smile, but the emotion behind it was filled with sadness. “No, you never would have given me a second chance if you’d known the truth first. I acted in the only manner possible.”
She couldn’t believe that after everything, he’d cling to his insistence that it had been necessary to lie to her. A coldness began to seep through her, one that she welcomed. It was the same coldness that had allowed her to survive Laughton’s angry words long after he’d stopped touching her.
“Knowing how much I value honesty, will you tell me whom you and my husband fought over?”
He took a long time to reply, much longer than was necessary if he was going to answer her question. Castlefield professed to care for her, and a large part of her was inclined to believe he was being truthful. But they would never have a future together if he insisted on keeping secrets from her.
“Ask me anything else,” he said when he finally replied.
The pleading note in his voice would have swayed her before today, but she was now almost completely dead inside. Again.
She already knew the answer to the question, but she asked it anyway. “Did you kill him for me?”
He seemed at a loss as to how to proceed. Finally he said, “I didn’t know. Your brother kept your secrets well.”
“But you did kill him because of another woman.”
His silence spoke volumes.
“I see.” She had to take a deep breath before dipping into a brief curtsy. “Thank you for your hospitality, but I fear I have imposed too long. I regret that I’ll have to decline Jane’s invitation to join her family in Brighton, but I’ll be sure to make it up to her the next time we’re both in town.”
“Don’t go.” Castlefield’s voice broke on the words. If she were still capable of feeling, her heart would have done the same.
“I would appreciate it if you didn’t tell anyone yet about my decision to return home. I’ll leave a note for Rose and my brother. There’s no reason my departure should interfere with their stay. If you could arrange for a coach to be brought around, I’ll wait for it in my room. A maid can pack my things later and they can be returned at your convenience.”
“I love you, Ellen. I’d thought allowing you to marry Laughton was the biggest mistake of my life. I was wrong—this is. Failing to make you see just how much I care for you. How much I love you. Knowing what you’ve already been through with the first man who professed to love you, I won’t force my attentions on you.”
Ellen looked away as he spoke. She’d thought she was dead inside, but hearing him say that he loved her had brought her traitorous heart back to life. It was a good thing she no longer allowed that organ to rule her actions.
“I want you to know, however, that I’ll be waiting for you. I can only pray you’ll realize that what we have is special. That I’m not the same man your husband was.”
Somehow Ellen made herself meet his gaze. It took a supreme amount of strength not to crumble at the mixture of devastation and determination she saw written on the face of the man she loved.
She couldn’t manage any words, and she didn’t think her legs would hold long enough to allow her to give him another curtsy. Instead, she inclined her head and moved past him, refusing to hurry as she left the garden.
One thing was certain as the scents of the garden enveloped her during her walk back to the house. She’d never again be able to smell another rose without having it call to mind her current heartbreak.
She half hoped Castlefield would stop her again, but he kept his word and allowed her to go.
She managed to make it to her bedroom before she allowed the tears to flow.
Chapter 24
Ellen permitted herself the brief respite of her emotions before going about the arduous process of pulling herself together again. It would be easier once she returned to London and could immerse herself in her former life. Brantford had also withheld the truth from her, but she’d get over that betrayal before long.
Rose would be disappointed when she discovered Ellen had gone, as would Jane when she learned Ellen wouldn’t be visiting Brighton. Ellen could only hope their rekindled friendship would survive her disappointment.
As she waited for news that the carriage had been readied, her gaze went to the wooden box that rested on her dressing table. Her brief relationship with Charles was over, yet she couldn’t find it in her heart to spurn his gift. She no longer believed the conch shell it contained would bring her luck, yet she couldn’t leave it behind. Even if it only served as a reminder not to let down her guard with another man, she needed to take it with her.
It took every ounce of strength she possessed not to break down again when her gaze drifted to the bed and memories assailed her of the night they’d spent together.
She sat at her dressing table and placed the box on her lap. With one finger she traced the shells etched along the lid as she waited. She needed to write a quick note to Castlefield’s mother to thank her for her hospitality. And Rose would be disappointed to discover she’d left without so much as a goodbye. She closed her eyes and took another deep breath to steady her nerves.
Before she could reach for the quill and paper that were in a drawer of the dressing table, a knock sounded at the door. Expecting a maid or a footman, she stood and called out for the person to enter. But when the door opened, it was her brother who strode into the room.
He closed the door quietly and turned to face her. “You’re leaving.”
It wasn’t a question, and he didn’t appear surprised.
“Did it ever occur to you that I should have been told my husband di
ed as a result of a duel?”
Brantford raised a brow, and she had to hold back the urge to yell at him. How could he have allowed her to grow close to Castlefield when he knew it would only end in heartbreak? She wrapped her arms around her waist, not caring that he’d recognize the action for what it was—an attempt to hold herself together.
“Don’t play games with me. The only reason you’d be here was if Charles told you about our talk.” He said nothing, and a horrible realization struck her. “You were there. He didn’t give me any details, but we both know there’s only one person he would have asked to be his second. And you had the connections to cover it up afterward.”
“What would you have me say, Ellen? Of course I knew. And no, I won’t apologize.”
Ellen gave her head a small shake. “Of course not. Why would you, the man who manipulates everyone around him, ever apologize for having a hand in my husband’s death?”
His impassive facade cracked just a bit at her accusation. “Laughton’s death was a blessing. Don’t pretend you cared for him.”
She wouldn’t go down that thorny path with him. Not when they both knew he was speaking the truth. “The point is you lied to me about it.”
“We lied to everyone. Did you really want to be the subject of all the gossip that would have surrounded the two of you? You’d made your dislike for Castlefield known. The last thing you would have wanted was for the two of you to become linked in the ensuing scandal. Castlefield’s name and position in society would have provided him with a measure of immunity, but the old hens would have ripped your reputation to shreds.”
“Gossip? That’s your excuse for hiding the truth from me?” She gave a dry, bitter laugh. “What are a few words when I’ve suffered far worse? But I never thought you would lie to me. And Charles…” Her voice broke, and she had to take a deep breath before continuing. “Castlefield is no better than my husband. He wouldn’t confirm the reason for the duel, but if it involved Laughton, we both know it was over some woman’s honor.”
And there it was, the real reason for her anger. Charles and Laughton had dueled over another woman. Despite the fact she and Charles had known one another since they were children and he claimed he’d developed deeper feelings for her before she wed another man, he hadn’t come to her rescue. It didn’t matter that he hadn’t known what she suffered during those early years of her marriage before Brantford had stepped in and taught her how to defend herself. Her heart cared nothing for logic.
Brantford frowned. “There’s more to it than that.”
“Then tell me, because heaven knows he won’t.”
She hated the way her voice hid nothing of her hurt. Even worse, her formerly emotionless brother’s brows drew together in sadness.
“I can’t. But please don’t leave. Not like this.” When she didn’t reply, he added, “What of Jane? She’s expecting you in Brighton.”
Ellen looked away, fighting the tears that threatened to spill again. “I can’t stay under this roof a moment longer, and more than anything, I need to be alone right now. My friendship with Jane will survive this—I’ll make sure of it. But I can’t stay here.”
Brantford closed the distance between them and placed a hand on her arm. “Ellen…”
She angrily wiped away an errant tear that threatened to spill. There would be time enough for crying later when she was alone in the carriage.
“I can’t stay here, Lucien. I can’t see him again. You taught me how to defend myself against my husband’s fists, but how can I defend myself against Charles’s honeyed words? Knowing he would never raise a hand to me in anger will be small comfort when he takes another lover.”
When her brother didn’t reply, she turned to face him. Only when her eyes met his did he speak. “He cares about you. He always has.”
“If he cares so much, he never should have kept this from me.” And he never should have allowed me to suffer at the hands of my husband when he had no qualms about fighting a duel with the man over the honor of another woman.
She was acting irrationally, she knew that, but she had to get away. There were too many people here. And how could she face Charles’s mother or Rose? Both wanted nothing more than to see Ellen wed to the man, and Ellen, fool that she was, had actually considered making that possibility a reality.
No, she needed to get away, spend some time alone so she could mourn the end of this dream. Fairy-tale endings were something that happened to other women. She’d pulled herself together once before when she realized that her husband didn’t love her, and she would do it again now. It would be much harder this time, but she vowed silently that she would move past this.
Chapter 25
Numbness had settled over her, finally, when she arrived at her brother’s town house in London. It was early afternoon, too early to retire, yet she left instructions with the staff that she wasn’t to be disturbed and made her way to her bedroom.
She’d spent most of the four-hour trip struggling to push back the emotions that warred within her. Anger, betrayal… but chief among them was embarrassment. Once again she’d allowed herself to be played the fool by a man. Only this time was much worse. She realized now that what she’d once thought was love when she’d married Laughton had been youthful infatuation.
No, there was only one man she loved, one man she’d ever loved. And like her husband, he refused to be honest with her.
The rest of the day dragged, and it was with relief that she crawled between the sheets of her bed that evening. But instead of finding refuge in sleep, she tossed and turned all night. The sun was beginning to rise when exhaustion finally won and she slipped into an uneasy slumber.
It was almost midday when her maid roused her with news that she had a guest.
Expecting that her brother had followed her, she didn’t hold back her huff of annoyance as she cast off her blankets and settled onto the edge of the bed. She wasn’t successful in her attempt not to glare at the hapless woman.
“I told you I wasn’t to be disturbed. If my brother wishes to speak to me, he can wait until later.”
“It isn’t Lord Brantford,” the woman said, moving to the wardrobe to fetch a day dress.
Ellen’s heart began to race as she struggled with the thought that Charles might have followed her. But no, he’d said he’d wait for her to take the next step. The game was over and they’d both lost. He wouldn’t have followed her all the way to London when he’d let her go so easily in the first place.
“Who is it,” she asked, moving to the dressing table while the maid took her place behind Ellen and began combing out her hair.
“Lady Eddings,” she said. “She’s waiting for you in the drawing room.”
Ellen closed her eyes at the news and struggled with her disappointment. While she was relieved there would be no more messy arguments with Charles—no, she must think of him as Castlefield now—she still wanted to maintain her friendship with Jane. And clearly her friend hadn’t been happy to discover Ellen wouldn’t be visiting her in Brighton after all.
Determined not to allow her rift with Castlefield to impact her relationship with Jane, Ellen sat still while her maid finished pinning up her hair before helping her into the pale yellow dress she’d selected.
Ellen had expected to have more time to come to terms with everything that had happened, but it was clear she’d have no reprieve from the affair today.
A quarter of an hour after her maid had woken her, she crossed the threshold into the drawing room. Jane rose swiftly from her seat on the settee. Her expression was clear, but Ellen had seen the frown on her friend’s face when she first entered the room.
Jane drew her into a quick hug before stepping back to examine her face. Ellen knew what she’d see—eyes that were still puffy from the many tears she’d shed in the carriage the previous day. She must have looked worse than she thought, however, for Jane took her by the hand and led her to the settee, drawing her down next to her.
“I’m so sorry,” Jane said. “This is all my fault.”
Ellen frowned, surprised Jane would feel the need to apologize. “You’re not to blame for encouraging a match between your brother and me. But the fact that it will never happen doesn’t have to affect our friendship.”
Jane clasped her hands in her lap. She’d removed her gloves, and Ellen could see that her knuckles were white with how tightly she’d twined her fingers.
Ellen found it difficult to sit still. She wasn’t ready to discuss this with Jane. The hurt was still too new, but she knew the subject couldn’t be avoided, so she vowed to get it over with as quickly as possible. Then she could go about setting her life to rights again.
“Did your brother tell you what happened between him and my husband?”
“If you’re referring to the duel they fought, then yes, I know about it. I’ve known from the beginning.”
To her credit, Jane didn’t look away, but Ellen couldn’t hold her gaze. She closed her eyes as a sense of betrayal washed over her. Jane said nothing, waiting for her to process the information.
“So everyone knew but me?”
Unable to sit still any longer, she rose and crossed the room to look through the front window. Jane’s carriage waited outside, and a shadowy figure could be seen through the carriage window. It must be Lord Eddings. He wouldn’t have wanted his wife to make the trip into town alone. She wondered if he, too, knew about the duel.
“Ellen—”
“It doesn’t bother me that he killed my husband. Heaven knows the day I was freed from my marriage to that man was the happiest day of my life. I’m not proud to admit that, but it’s true nonetheless.”
The Unsuitable Duke Page 13
