I can’t quite hold back my laugh. Mom doesn’t take any insult but continues. “—then I can only imagine it’s something to do with this woman you’re seeing.”
I take a deep breath. “She just isn’t any woman, Mom.”
“I know.”
“How?” Even to myself, I sound like I’m whining.
“Because this week I’ve had calls from Jennings, Nicholas, and Bradley all asking if I’ve heard from you. The fact they haven’t called you is very telling, darling,” she chides me.
I tell my mom everything, starting all the way back with falling for a young Meadow Jones back when I first met her in Juneau while visiting the Smiths’ with Jed, Jennings, Brad, and Nick. I explain how we’d spend hours talking, and I tell her about how Meadow was dating someone. Finally, I tell her about how brokenhearted I was when Meadow told me she’d become Meadow Borneman and I’d lost my chance.
“It’s not like I haven’t lived, Mom.”
“Certainly, no one can accuse you of that,” she replies dryly.
We both laugh. “But Kara asked me something tonight that’s been churning me up inside,” I admit.
“What’s that?”
“Are we the same people we were back then? Would we have made it?” Before I can reply, I plow on. “It’s obvious Jennings and Kara have made their peace with that part of their lives.”
“And you feel you need to before you can move on?”
“Something like that.” It feels good to admit it.
“There’s only one problem.”
“What’s that?”
“Maybe’s there’s no answer, Kody.”
“What do you mean?” I demand.
“I fell in love with your father when I was seventeen and he was nineteen. That love has changed, yes. It has. Every day it becomes something different. When you add children, arguments, laughter, and life, love changes. And that’s the love you were raised with.”
“So was Meadow.” I think back to the Joneses’ marriage and to Brad and Rainey’s.
“Then she had an unfortunate experience. But what you want is for someone to answer whether she’d have had a better life with you. Kody, that’s just not possible. That’s what Kara’s trying to tell you. Don’t you understand? It has nothing to do with whether you would have made it then; the question is can you set aside the past to have a chance at your now?”
I feel like I just walked face-first into a solid plank that was just run through the portable sawmill at the site. “Someone’s going to get hurt,” I say softly.
“In love, someone always does. If love doesn’t hurt just a little, how do you know it matters?”
Pulling my feet down, I rest my forehead on one hand while still holding my phone to my ear. My mind flashes back to what Meadow said just before she left. “She kept a ring I made for her from some grass,” I whisper as if it’s a secret.
“Then it sounds like to me, she may have been a little bit torn in her feelings too. Hold them precious for what they are, but live in what you find today.”
“Tomorrow. She’ll be back tomorrow.” And I plan on giving her one hell of a welcome home.
I don’t know what my mother hears in my voice, but I hear her murmur something to my father before saying, “I love you, Kody. Call soon.”
“I love you too, Mom. Same to Dad.” Then I disconnect the call.
Tapping the phone against my lips, I send a quick text to Meadow. You’re on my mind.
She has no idea of how true that statement is.
I don’t hear back from her before I go to sleep, but with the flight and the time change, I’m not surprised. When I pull up to Nature’s Song, my phone pings with a text from Meadow that has the device falling out of my hands into the center console in shock. “Whoa.”
And you’re on mine. Last night, I sat outside in Maris’s backyard and remembered us. I have strength today because of a foundation of yesterdays. Thank you for being part of that.
Then she sent me a flower emoji.
Then Jed’s words filter through my mind. Don’t let anyone tell you how to fall in love or who to fall in love with. Just love them with that enormous heart you’ve been saving all those years. Shutting off my truck, I vow, “That’s exactly what I plan on doing, brother. And I think you’ll approve.”
Striding through the front door of Nature’s Song, I find the guys milling around, concerned. Shane pipes up. “Hey. Have you seen Meadow? Normally she’s here by now.”
“Family issue. She’ll be back later today or tomorrow.” Then I clap my hands together to get all their attention. “While she’s gone, let’s try to get ahead of schedule? Let’s get the rest of the green board up in all the wet spaces so we can start tiling. Lenny, how are we with the repairs on the floor?”
“Just about finished with the final millwork, boss. Should be able to start laying planks today. Tomorrow at the latest.”
“Great. Everyone, you know where you’re supposed to be. Check in. I’m also going to see if there’s a place that can deliver lunch today.” My crew leads hoot and holler. “Christ, she’s spoiled all of you with a few donuts,” I gripe.
They all nod. “Getting the hint?” Shane jokes as he takes off to finish the drywall plastering in the last room downstairs.
“Just get to work!” I call out.
But I am getting the idea. In more ways than one.
Meadow
The return flight from Juneau, I don’t have Maris trying to distract both me and Brad by saying outrageous things like, “I’d make a damn fine mother,” or “Can’t you picture me with a child in my arms?”
Brad, unable to hold out long, retorted, “Don’t you want to be married?”
Maris shrugged and said, “It’d be nice, but it’s not a requirement,” shocking him back to silence.
But on this flight, I was left with ample opportunity to think about where everything went wrong, not just recently but years ago.
Life has a way of showing you just what you need at that exact moment. Sitting in Maris’s backyard, I was bombarded with memories of Kody I hadn’t allowed myself to have in years. Shivering, I recall the gorgeous MIT student who I was attracted to, but I never expected could feel anything for me. I ignored what in hindsight was obvious flirting. I blindly turned my head away from the lazy invitation Kody Laurence offered me time and again because I was afraid of what?
Myself. Of not being good enough.
The answer is so incredibly obvious now.
I thought settling with Mitch and a life in Alaska was all I deserved. If I didn’t go to all the places I once dreamed of, I wouldn’t know there was something missing. Looking back, I started my marriage with a hole in my soul. I used so many things to cover it up: sex, kids, work. And as each one began to fail or change, then what was I left to rely on but the very thing I needed the most?
The only thing I was supposed to be able to rely on in the first place. Me.
I swipe my hand under my eyes, grateful there’s no one else riding down to Kalispell with me on this flight. I didn’t even consciously recall what made me decide to put my dreams aside all those years ago. When Alice asked me, I couldn’t answer her. “Meadow, it was never my place to say…”
“What wasn’t, Aunt Alice?”
“All those years ago, Rainey and Brad? Their marriage never shocked me. But you and Mitch?”
“It surprised you?” The amount of disturbance in my voice must have startled Maris, because she reached over and took my hand, squeezing it hard.
“Honey, you wanted something different. You wanted your own path. At twenty-one, had you even had a chance to live to figure out what it really was yet? I don’t know what it was that changed that.” Alice’s voice held a note of apology that she didn’t step in and voice her concerns.
“We all take our roads, Aunt Alice. I guess, I just took the wrong one.” By this point, there was no hiding the tears either from Maris or from her.
“A path
is never wrong. There’s not a right or a wrong one. There’s just yours. And look at the treasure you’ve found along the way.”
“The kids.” Maris soothed me.
“Elise and Mitchell Junior,” Alice reiterated firmly. “They have their own path to travel, but trust me. Unless your heart is cold, all paths do the same thing.”
“What’s that?” I managed to sniffle out.
“They can lead you home.”
Now, even as Jasper announces our approach into Kalispell, I vow to spend some time closing that hole in my soul. I can’t do that by patching it up with the wants and needs of other people.
I have to pray for my children and while I’m doing that figure out who their mother is.
The house is dark when Jasper drops me off. Unlike the first night when I experienced a flicker of excitement, right now I’m just left with an overwhelming need to sleep. Giving him a wan smile, I say, “Thanks. For the flight and for the ride out here. Are you sure there’s nothing I can do…”
“Meadow, you know Jennings better than that. I’m all set.” He jumps out of the car to grab my bag.
I take it from him. “Right. Then safe travels back to Seattle.”
He tosses off a salute. “I’m sure I’ll be seeing you soon. Be well.”
“You too.” I stand off to the side until he slides behind the wheel. Then, I quickly punch in the code, which illuminates the house.
My nose scrunches as smells begin to penetrate. Oregano. Sauce.
“Pizza?”
Then a voice startles me. I whirl as Kody turns the corner from the kitchen. “Do you know what a pain it is to keep from eating all of this when I’m…”
My bag crashes to the floor as I fly into his arms. He immediately catches me against him, pressing my head tight against his chest. My arms wrap around him as far as they can reach.
He tips my head back. For long moments, nothing is said. Nothing has to be. Pain is shared. And now I’m reaching for something I feared all those years ago. “A chance.”
“Hmm?”
I sigh in pleasure. “You’re here.”
His eyes turn stormy. “I was going to wait to do this but…”
His head lowers until his lips touch mine. Just a touch, a brush. Kody’s not pressuring me in any way. But by the time he pulls back, my hands are sliding up his chest. “Welcome home.”
“All paths lead to home,” I murmur into his chest.
“What was that?”
“Nothing. At least not for now.”
Taking my hand, he guides me to the table I haven’t used yet which is lit only in candlelight. “You did all of this for me?” My free hand comes up and covers my mouth.
“I’d do anything for you.”
He said that long ago, and I didn’t believe him. “You said that before I married Mitch. Once before.”
He stills. I let go of his hand. “I didn’t believe you then. I couldn’t understand how someone who was as smart as you, who looked like you, could ever…”
“Meadow?” His voice holds a note of pain I’ve never heard.
“I was afraid, Kody. What was so special about me?”
“Everything.” One word, but it’s like a lash the way he whips it at me. I deserve to feel the lick of pain from it.
“I didn’t believe it.”
“Because of me?”
“No, because of me. I ran away. And in the process, I hurt you.” I’m standing close to the windows now. Turning, I face this beautiful man. “I wanted you to forget about me.”
“Why?” he rasps as he moves closer.
“So you could be happy. That’s all I ever wanted for you was to fall in love.” I duck my head.
Kody’s standing directly in front of me. He grasps my chin and pulls my face up toward his. “I already was. I’ve been in love since the first time you made me laugh. You had just finished telling me the freezing cold land under my ass was warm, and I was telling you that you were full of shit.”
“But that was the first year you met me. You were maybe eighteen?”
“It took you a while to catch up.” Kody yanks me to him. “Are we finally on the same path?”
I barely manage to whisper, “Yes,” before his mouth settles on mine.
This kiss is different than our first, which was pure fire.
Each time our tongues entwine, it isn’t to incite passion but to further the intimate exploration of our hearts. The hunger of that first kiss is tempered by an emotion I wasn’t ready for until now. Sliding my fingers into his thick hair, I relish the way the thick strands feel as I hold tight. As I pull back, my fingers savor the texture, brighter than the million rays of the midnight sun we spent with each other in the past. But before I can say anything, Kody’s lips are touching mine again.
This time, I arch more fully against him. My arms wrap more firmly around his neck. His response is to bring me flush against his strong body. For a long while, a soft sensuality envelops us. My body clenches as he trails soft kisses from my cheek down the side of my neck. A soft groan rises and falls between us—I don’t know who it comes from. But as soon as the moment the sound hits the air, Kody pulls back after dropping one more kiss on my upturned lips. He wraps his fist in my hair and pulls my head back so our eyes connect. Slowly, he runs his tongue over my lower lip, capturing our taste before tugging me forward until our hearts align.
My head rests against his neck, and I hear the irregular beat of his heart. For long moments, we stand there. Kody rocks me back and forth before he says, “Come on. Let’s get some food in you. It’s been a long trip.”
Pulling back, I frown.
He bends down and rubs his nose over mine. “I haven’t just waited for pieces of you. I want it all. So, tonight, I want to sit with you, talk about what happened in Juneau.”
“Kody.” His name is the only thing I can get out because of the tears welling in my eyes. Finally, I manage to get out, “Are you sure?”
We both know I’m not asking about sharing.
He nods. “You need to know I’m here for you, Meadow. The way I never could be all those years ago.”
“I’m afraid,” I blurt out. That hole inside me yawns widely.
Eyes steady, he asks, “Of what?”
“Of finding the real me. In the end, what if I’m not enough? What if the kids…”
His hand cups my cheek. “Don’t. Go into this knowing you are enough. And be grateful in the end that out of all the people you could have been, you’re you. And that’s the woman I love.”
The air between us is thick, but I find the strength inside me to give him the words I’ve said a million times in my heart. “I love you too.”
“Damnit.” Kody bends down and lifts me high against his chest. “Tell me you’re really not that hungry.”
“Right now, you’re all I want. You’re everything I need.”
There are so many things unsaid, but right now, that’s no less than the truth. Kody carries me over to the sofa and lays me down upon it. I stretch out beneath him as his mouth slants down and drives me out of my mind. But after he lets me up for air, his mouth has another job. It captures whispered secrets of love I finally feel safe releasing. I touch his cheek, dragging my fingers through the smooth edge of his beard as every emotion I’ve held in my heart comes pouring out.
His head drops down to my quaking heart. I run my hands through his silky hair. Suddenly, his head snaps up. “Let me show you everything I’ve dreamed of doing to you.”
My lips part. It’s barely a breath, but I whisper, “Yes.”
Kody sits up, chest heaving. His fingers make quick work of my shirt, deftly unbuttoning it. Each time his knuckles rake against the slopes of my breasts as more of me is revealed, I cry out. In between my spread thighs, I can feel his erection growing and thickening. It’s not physically possible it’s becoming harder than the previous times we’ve made love. I tell him so.
“Shh, baby. It will be fine.” Then he pull
s the tails of the shirt from my pants and tosses it away. Using just the tip of one finger, he trails his finger along the lace edge of my bra. “So beautiful. I’ve always thought so.”
My hands are smoothing up under his sweater, feeling the satiny skin covered by rough hair. “Take it off. I want to feel every inch of you against every inch of me,” I plead.
Within seconds, Kody’s sweater is flung somewhere. There’s a sound of something crashing to the floor. I don’t care as he lowers his torso against mine, bracing most of his weight against his forearms. He fiddles behind me, and soon there’s not even lace between our bodies. I fight for breath as he scrubs his chest back and forth. A moan of anticipation escapes my lips.
“You were made for me,” Kody swears, just before he lifts away.
I start to protest until he shifts and his head is aligned with my breasts. Then I still at his words. “I can picture your children nursing here. I hate it was him who got to see it, but just the idea you nourished a child from these sweet tips…” Kody’s hand plumps up one of my breasts before he captures a nipple between his lips.
I cry out. My thighs tighten involuntarily around his waist. I’m grateful I’m still wearing my panties and jeans as a rush of wetness floods them when Kody rakes the nipple in his mouth with his teeth, his free hand capturing its twin and twirling it between his thumb and forefinger.
Then, God help me, he switches sides. And I can’t help but call out his name. “Kody!”
He relents, briefly, but only to slide his hands to the snap of my jeans. Kneeling between my legs once again, he makes quick work of the zipper. I wiggle and shift my hips, helping him slide the material off my hips when he stands to shuck his own.
Handing me a packet, he crawls back between my legs. “Hold on to this.”
I barely have time to process what he means before my legs are thrown over Kody’s shoulders and I feel him part the folds between my legs. His lips caress me there like he’s kissing my mouth. I whimper, arching into his mouth as his tongue dances around my clit. But I begin to shake and tremble as he slides first one, then a second finger inside me.
Return by Land (Glacier Adventure Series Book 2) Page 23
