by Mia Archer
I reached up to move a branch out of the way when it came flying back at me.
“What the hell, Jack?” I hissed.
Jack whirled around and hit me with an apologetic smile.
“Sorry,” he whispered, keeping his voice low.
I rolled my eyes. “Why the hell are you whispering?” I asked, speaking at full volume. “We’re in the nature preserve in the middle of fucking campus.”
“Would both of you be quiet?” Griffin asked, hitting both of us with irritated glares.
He had a camera strapped to his shoulder, and he looked like a total idiot. The thing wasn’t great in low light to hear him tell it, though it did have a light he wasn’t using right now because he didn’t want to spook a creature that didn’t exist.
I’m sure he thought it made him look like a big bad professional cryptid hunter. Appearances mattered way more than practicality or results with this jerk. He was the kind of guy who was happier finding the right equipment to do something than he was actually doing that something.
“Seriously?” I said. “You know that…”
“We’re doing a report on myths and legends, right?” Griffin asked. “Well there’s a legend of the Creature of Naughton Creek. People have been sighting that thing on campus for decades now, and we’re going to get video evidence!”
“Are you serious?” I asked, not even bothering to cover up that I thought they were full of shit. “The Creature of Naughton Creek is something a bunch of drunks claim they’ve seen when they’re stumbling through the nature preserve late at night and mistake people fucking for some big bad monster.”
“The creature is real,” Griffin said.
“Come on Cara,” Jack said. “It’s fun being out here in the woods, right?”
The hopeful way his eyes ran up and down my body made it clear exactly what he thought about being in the woods with yours truly.
The only problem was being stuck alone in the woods with him was the last thing that I wanted. There wasn’t enough booze or pot in the world to make that happen.
“You know this kind of thing is a situation that usually ends terribly in horror movies, right?” I said.
“What the hell are you talking about?” Griffin asked.
“It’s her thing,” Jack said. “She likes horror movies.”
“They’re not my thing,” I said. “I just had a couple of sadistic older brothers who thought it would be fun to force me to watch a bunch of horror movies growing up, and here we are.”
“Right,” Jack said. “Well I like them.”
“And I don’t,” I said.
Maybe I’d grown up and learned to enjoy the thing that had terrified me as a little girl. Maybe I wasn’t interested in admitting any of that to Jack lest he think we had something in common he could use as an excuse to try and get in my pants.
He had the wrong equipment for that, and he couldn’t take the hint that I was into girls.
“You both need to shut up,” Griffin said. “We’re going to have to get some footage, and that means…”
Something snapped in the distance. Griffin held a finger to his lips. I crossed my arms and let out a long-suffering sigh.
“Come on,” he said. “There’s something out there! It might be the creature!”
“I can’t believe you,” I said. “You hear a squirrel and you’re treating it like Bigfoot’s out there.”
“Bigfoot’s range doesn’t go through civilized areas like this,” Griffin said. “If there’s a creature of Naughton Creek then it’s got to be something else.”
Jack hit me with an apologetic shrug. Almost like he was trying to insinuate that he didn’t believe any of this either. Even though I knew he was a true believer and was only playing along to try and get in my pants.
“Two guys and one girl walking through a creepy forest in the middle of the night,” I muttered. “You know exactly what this is like, right?”
“What’s it like?” he asked.
“Every slasher movie or creature feature ever,” I said.
“Yeah, but it’s not like there have been records of anything attacking anyone. People who see the creature out here in the woods…”
“Are drunks hallucinating things because they had too much to drink,” I said.
“I was going to say the creature has never attacked anyone before.”
“That could always change,” I said.
“But if this was a horror movie there would’ve already been attacks we’ve heard of,” he said.
“Unless we’re the first attack,” I countered. “Imagine it. A bunch of news people showing up. Our smiling faces staring out over headlines about what a tragedy it was something ripped us to shreds.”
“I thought you didn’t think the creature was real,” Jack said.
“I don’t,” I said. “I just wanted to point out how similar this is to a horror movie. It’s a coping mechanism.”
“You don’t need to worry,” Jack said. He pulled himself up to his full height and puffed his chest out.
It wasn’t impressive, even if you were into guys. I wasn’t, so it was even less impressive.
“What, you’re going to protect me?” I said, barely stifling a laugh.
He deflated.
“Well… Yes?”
“Nice try,” I said, patting him on the cheek. “But I don’t think you’re going to be much use in a horror movie situation.”
“Would the two of you shut the fuck up?” Griffin hissed, turning on us and turning on his camera light, temporarily blinding me.
“Fine!” I said, holding my hand up against the blinding light. “You’re not going to find anything out here if you keep flashing lights like that!”
“I know,” Griffin said. “So you need to start being a team player. Let’s find this thing! It’s not like the nature preserve is that big!”
“It’s big enough that you couldn’t walk across it without getting out of breath,” I muttered under my breath.
Griffin was the kind of guy who was convinced he knew everything, and the last thing I needed was to get into an argument with an insufferable know-it-all in the middle of the creepy woods.
So we continued through the silent woods. I suppose that was to be expected in a nature preserve smack dab in the middle of a heavily populated campus in the middle of a decent sized Midwestern city.
There just weren’t many animals out here. Which is another reason why I figured there wasn’t much chance there was a Creature of Naughton Creek living out here. There wasn’t enough to eat around here to support a large predator like that.
Not that facts were going to stop our intrepid cryptid hunters from trying to find the thing.
Maybe there wasn’t a creature of Naughton Creek lurking out here, but there was something out here looking for fun. I jumped and let out a quiet gasp when something brushed against my hand.
I looked down to see Jack taking his chance. When I looked up he looked like he thought he actually had a chance.
“Jack…”
“Come on Cara,” he said. “I know you said you like girls, but maybe that’s just because…”
“I’m going to stop you right there, Jack,” I said.
“You are?” he said, blinking in confusion.
“You’re about to give me the speech where you say maybe I haven’t tried the right man yet. Like all it’d take is your magic dick to make me see the error of my pussy loving ways,” I said. “I can guarantee you’re not the first dude to make that speech, you aren’t going to be the last, and it’s not going to end any different for you than it did for any of those others.”
“What do you…”
“What I’m trying to tell you is there’s not a chance I’ll ever get with you,” I said. “I’m not interested, and not just because you don’t have the right equipment.”
“Come on Cara,” he said, leaning in closer.
I was pressed back against a tree, and his lips were puckered up as he
went in for the kill. I needed to get away from him, only his arms were on either side of my head and there was no escape and…
He grunted as my knee came up between his legs. He took a couple of steps back, stumbling and glaring as though he hadn’t been leaning in for a fucking kiss I didn’t want.
“You stay the fuck away from me,” I said. “I’m not out here because I want to be your girlfriend. I’m out here because we have to work together for a group project. That’s the only reason I’m spending any time with you outside of class. Are we clear?”
“You frigid dyke bitch,” he groaned, clutching his favorite piece of anatomy.
I was about to punch him and let him know what I thought of people throwing around terms like that, but then Griffin appeared shining that fucking light in my face again and distracting me from the impending ass kicking.
“What’s going on?” Griffin asked, looking between the two of us.
“What’s going on is I’m done with the two of you,” I said. “I’m going to talk with the prof, tell him what Mr. Roaming Hands here was trying to do, and…”
I was really getting into my tirade, but it was cut short by something snapping in the distance. My head snapped in that direction, wondering what the hell could’ve made a noise like that.
That didn’t sound like a twig snapping. No, that was more like a branch snapping in two.
Not only was I wondering what the hell could make a noise like that, but I found myself in a situation where the last thing I wanted was to be anywhere close to something that could make a noise like that.
I was familiar enough with the flora and fauna in Indiana to know there wasn’t anything around there big enough to go snapping branches.
“You guys come out here and do this sort of thing from time to time, right?” I asked. “Like this is an excuse for you to try and get a grade for your hobby, right?”
“Yeah,” Griffin said.
“Have you ever heard something like that before?”
“No way,” Jack said.
“I was afraid of that,” I said.
“I can’t believe this!” Griffin said, actually sounding excited.
“I know, right?” Jack said, seemingly forgetting his interest in playing Edward Roaming Hands with me.
“Guys,” I said, suddenly getting the sneaking suspicion we were way closer to being in a horror movie than I’d imagined. “I think it might be a good time for us to get the hell out of here.”
“Are you kidding?” Griffin said. “That could be the creature! What if it really is out there?”
He sounded like he hadn’t actually believed the creature was real and out there. And he sounded just a touch scared as well.
Which seemed like a reasonable emotion. After all, anything was big enough to make a noise like that was also big enough to seriously fuck us up.
“I think it’s a terrible idea for us to…”
“Come on!” Griffin said.
If this was a horror movie, and I had to constantly repeat that this wasn’t a horror movie in my head, then this would be the part where the group split up so people could get picked off.
There was always a chance I was the final girl in this story, but there was also a chance I was just the pretty eye candy who was there to show off her tits then get killed in a very messy and nasty way to prove just how serious and not interested in the fairer sex the killer was, other than using their bones to sharpen their machete or claws depending on what genre we were stepping into.
So in the interest of not being alone out here in the creepy woods, and against every rational thought screaming through my brain in that moment, I followed them.
“What the hell are you guys doing?” I hissed.
“We have to get closer,” Griffin said, hitting me with an irritated look. “And you need to be quiet. You’re going to tip it off that we’re getting closer!”
“Did you ever stop to think that maybe we shouldn’t be trying to get closer to something big enough to make a noise like that?” I asked.
I thought I was being the voice of reason, but from the irritated looks I got they weren’t buying it. I sighed.
“Look,” I said. “Even if that is the creature, presumably this thing is big enough that it could snap any of us in two without breaking a sweat, right?”
“The creature doesn’t attack people,” Griffin said, as though saying that was going to magically keep this creature from attacking us if we ran across it.
“That’s all well and good that you think it’s so nice,” I said. “But did you ever stop to think that maybe the reason this particular cryptid has never attacked anyone is because the only people who’ve managed to get away are the ones who weren’t attacked?”
“She’s got a point,” Jack said, suddenly sounding just a touch nervous. “What about all the missing people?”
“Yeah,” I said. “What about all the missing people!”
I paused and looked between the two of them as I really thought that through.
“What the hell about the missing people?” I hissed. “You never said anything about any missing people!”
“This is why I didn’t want to bring her along!” Griffin said, turning to Jack. “I know you brought her along because you have a crush on her, but this is going to be a problem if she keeps making noise!”
“I came along because I’m a part of your group,” I growled, feeling like I was talking to a brick wall. The guy was about as intelligent, for all that he was the kind of keyboard warrior who thought he knew it all.
“She has a point,” Jack said, looking between the two of us and seeming like he’d rather be anywhere but between us while we were arguing. “I mean…”
He was interrupted by another loud crash coming from somewhere in the distance. Followed by crunching, and a scream that pierced the darkness. The kind of scream that said something out there was having a very bad night, and if we knew what was good for us we’d get as far from the thing having a very bad night as we could.
Only one look at Griffin and the way his eyes lit up when he heard that scream told me there wasn’t a chance he was going to do what one should do when walking through a dark and scary forest and something screamed for its life.
“We have to get closer,” Griffin said, sounding way more excited than he should’ve considering what we were going up against. “Did you hear that!”
“I heard it,” I said, feeling queasy. “We shouldn’t be trying to get closer to whatever the fuck is out there!”
I was speaking somewhere between a hiss and a whisper, but I really hoped I was getting across to them just what idiots they were. I couldn’t believe they were seriously considering getting closer to something that sounded like it was crunching bones in between screams.
“You can stay here if you want,” Griffin said, clearly annoyed. “But I’m not missing a chance to get a shot of the creature. I’m going to be the first person to have actual video evidence!”
“The only thing you’re going to be is the next person who gets killed by this thing and dragged off into the woods,” I muttered, but I followed them nevertheless.
I figured if we were in a horror movie scenario then it was better to be one of three people rather than the only person running in terror.
After all, if there were three of us then the old adage about not needing to run faster than the monster, but only faster than the two out of shape fat fucks who were also running from the monster, held true.
5
Cara
“You guys need to be quiet if we’re going to sneak up on this thing,” Griffin hissed.
I glared at him. It was all I had left.
These guys clearly had no experience sneaking through the woods outside of hitting the tab button in Skyrim. They were making enough noise to bring down a whole family of beasts on us, assuming there were that many creature out here in the woods.
I really hoped there weren’t.
“Are you ser
ious,” I hissed as we kept moving. “The racket you’re making is going to draw every apex predator in these woods!”
“Weren’t you the one who said you don’t think there’s anything more dangerous than squirrels in this forest?” Jack asked.
“That was before I heard a bunch of screaming and crunching bones,” I growled.
“I’m not going to ask the two of you to shut the fuck up again!” Griffin said, whirling around on us and yelling loud enough that he definitely was alerting anything scary out there as to exactly where we were.
Luckily, for certain definitions of luckily I really wasn’t feeling, whatever was out there seemed too preoccupied with continuing to crunch the bones of whatever unfortunate creature it’d pounced on to notice Griffin’s outburst.
Either the thing couldn’t hear us, doubtful, or it was big enough that it didn’t care that there were people approaching. Which wasn’t a comforting thought.
“I’m sorry, but who needs to shut the fuck up?” I asked.
Griffin rolled his eyes and kept on through the woods. Though we didn’t go very far before he held a hand up to stop us like he was in special forces or something equally ridiculous.
We’d stopped on the edge of a clearing, though I couldn’t quite see through the greenery to whatever was on the other side. I was thankful for that, though.
What I heard was terrifying enough. It sounded like something straight out of a nature documentary. We’re talking the scenes where the lions have downed a gazelle and are enjoying their meal. Or something straight from the folio department of a horror movie where the monster has settled down to feed on its meal of stupid teenager.
I got the feeling I was about to be one of those meals. Like the line between nature documentary and horror movie was suddenly really thin.
“Okay guys,” I said. “You got close to the scary monster. Now it’s time for us to turn around and get the hell out of here before the scary monster realizes we’re here.”
“So you admit it’s a monster,” Griffin said, hitting me with a self-satisfied smirk that made me want to smack him.
I didn’t smack him, but the only thing that kept me from smacking him was the sure knowledge that if I did smack him it’d make the kind of noise that would draw attention I didn’t want.
