“Wow. That... You want me that much? To leave everything if that’s what I really wish?”
“That’s how much I need you, yes. Wanting you was never the issue. You were right when you said I was afraid you’d break my heart by leaving eventually no matter what. But you make me want to be brave on a lot of different levels. And part of that is admitting that maybe my dreams have changed.”
“Exactly.” Rain exhaled hard but didn’t pull his hand away. “That’s what I’ve been wrestling with. Trying to figure out how to explain precisely that. Dreams change. Like, maybe at the start of the summer I did want to make a hotshot crew. I wasn’t lying about that or about wanting an adventure, wherever the universe wanted to send me. But then the weeks passed, and working out became less about a ticket away from this place and more about spending time with you. I thought less and less about the job potential and more about us.”
“I like spending time with you too. Hey, you even got me knitting.” He laughed, then sobered because this was an important point. “But I want you to have everything you want—adventure included.”
“That’s the thing. I always thought I’d have to go away to find the perfect adventure. Away from the cohousing community where I grew up. Away from Portland when the right situation didn’t materialize there. Away from here because I was bored at first with nothing to do. But the more I think about the future, the more it seems like maybe staying—like actually putting down roots somewhere—that might be its own sort of adventure.”
“I don’t disagree, but you’re twenty-three. I’m not saying you’re wrong or trying to say I know your heart better, but settling down...that’s a big decision. It’s taken me a lot of years to get to that point myself.”
“Maybe not all of us are on the same timeline.” Rain gave him an arch look, and okay, Garrick could be honest with himself now that maybe Lisa leaving had been more of mutual thing, neither of them truly ready for that kind of commitment. He’d had a lot of growing up and maturing left to do to get to this new place where he could handle the sort of relationship and feelings that came with caring for someone as deeply as he did Rain.
“Point taken. But even if you don’t need as many years as I did to figure out what you truly want, it’s okay to want to have fun and follow your whims and take different risks and gain unique experiences. There’s nothing wrong with your drive for adventure, even if that leads away from here.”
A group of birds flew up from beyond the basketball courts, heading out for parts unknown. Hard as it was to picture a life away from this place, what Garrick wanted most of all was for Rain to have the opportunity to truly grow and flourish, find his wings, whatever that ended up looking like for him.
“And if it doesn’t? If it leads me right back here? Maybe I had it wrong all along, and my dreams don’t have to all be about thrill seeking and adrenaline rushes.”
“You’d be passing up a great opportunity though. That’s not nothing.” The birds circled back around, playing now, dancing in the early morning air.
“It would be a risk, sure, but so is going.” Now Rain was the one to squeeze Garrick’s hand, holding on tight. “What if what I’ve been searching for has been right here all along? Do I really need to spend another year or five learning that before we both trust it? Waste all that time?”
Huh. This wasn’t the response Garrick had spent all week anticipating. He didn’t want to try to talk Rain out of conclusions he’d reached when he’d said he’d listen and trust Rain to know his own mind, but he also didn’t want to be too fast in taking Rain up on the staying option. Taking a breath, he pulled Rain a little closer.
“Trust me, I know better than most how life can change in an instant. And I don’t want to waste time either. And the worst thing for me wouldn’t be leaving this place. It would be missing out on my chance to have you. Yeah, there’s still that possibility that maybe someday you’ll go and not take me with you, but I want to at least be open to going, to compromising, to not simply letting you walk away and take my heart with you. Because that much is a given—you’ve got my whole heart now, no matter what.”
Nodding solemnly, Rain swallowed audibly, holding Garrick’s hand that much tighter. “And if I believe you care that much, can you believe me when I say that I don’t want to put you in that position? Not right now. Can you trust me enough to let me stay?”
“That’s really what you want? No hotshot crew?” The pair of joggers were back, circling the path, not quite so in sync, but laughing at each other, clearly having a great time. Maybe that mattered more than how in step they’d been earlier. Garrick spared them a smile as they passed.
“My crew here needs me. Our boss is gonna be out awhile recovering from a mild heart attack. Bosler needs me on the radio. Yeah, maybe the work isn’t the most exciting a lot of days. But I want to see the summer through. You asked me what I want, and that’s what I want. To stay. Space, like you said, but not from you. Space to figure out what’s next for me. When the boss got ill, all I kept dwelling on was how I never got my EMT certification when I had the chance. I want to think more about my path forward, how I can best help people and also meet my own needs.”
“That sounds really wise. Mature. You don’t need all the answers about your future right now.” As much as Garrick wanted things settled with a clear plan, he had to admit that Rain’s more pragmatic plan had certain benefits too. “I only want a chance to be part of it with you, whatever you end up deciding.”
“So we’re not simply a fling?” Throwing Garrick’s words back at him, Rain raised an eyebrow.
“We never were. That was me being scared. And a jerk.” Rain’s emphatic nod made him laugh before continuing. “I honestly did think I was doing the right thing, but that’s not the best excuse. Next time, I’m going to listen more.”
“Good. And me too. I was...quick to assume the worst about you. I didn’t listen the best either.”
“I didn’t exactly make it easy. And this is me saying sorry and doing what you requested and asking you for more. Asking you to not settle for something less than the real relationship we both want and deserve.”
“I’m not going to. I want it all. That’s why I’m staying too—I know you cared enough to let me go and now you’re brave enough to offer to go away with me, but I want to stay. See what we have together. See if we can truly build a future together here.”
Woof. Having had enough of their stopping and talking, Cookie let out a series of barks along with a long-suffering look for them both.
“Cookie approves of my idea.” Rain leaned in and brushed a fast kiss over Garrick’s cheek.
“Can’t let Cookie down.” Giving Rain’s hand one last squeeze, Garrick took the brakes off his chair. “And I want that too. It’s frankly a little terrifying, but losing you would be way worse. So yeah, I’m willing to do what it takes to make that future happen.”
“Excellent.” Beaming at him, Rain pointed at the path ahead of them. “Race you to the next obstacle?”
“Always.” Laughing, Garrick wheeled hard as Rain and Cookie jogged alongside him. It might not always be this easy, and there was still an awful lot to work out, plenty of uncertainty, but at least they were together. They could deal with all the unexpected bumps and turns in the road as long as they had each other. He’d meant every scary word he’d managed to utter too. He cared about Rain, more than he ever had anyone else, and he was willing to do his part to make sure that they got the future they both wanted.
Chapter Twenty-Two
“Are you sure your dad is cool with this?” Rain asked as he stuffed towels in a bag in Garrick’s living room, afternoon sun filtering in.
“This as in us coming to swim? Or his offer to grill mushroom caps for you instead of steak? Or your awesome new swim trunks? Or more in general, like is he okay with us as a couple?”
“Uh. All of that. I’m
weirdly nervous.”
“You? Nervous?” Garrick captured him around the waist, hauled him into his lap. “You do know that he figured out weeks ago that we’re sleeping together, right? What’s changed?”
“Everything.” Embarrassed at his strangely emo turn, Rain buried his face in Garrick’s neck. This was silly, but he still couldn’t stop the flutters in his belly. This outing, their first in public so to speak since their reunion, felt momentous somehow. Maybe it was how everyone, Grandma and Garrick’s dad included, seemed to still expect him to move on. Grandma had merely nodded and made a sort of skeptical clucking noise when Rain told her they’d made up. It felt like no one was rooting for him to stay.
Worrying about stupid shit made him weirdly antsy about simple things like this invitation to come for dinner and a swim.
“I get that everything feels different now. Maybe we are different.” Garrick tipped Rain’s chin up with gentle fingers so that he could give him a soft kiss that went a long way to quieting Rain’s butterflies, especially when he pulled away laughing. “Maybe we’re like morphing superheroes or something. You’re growing blue horns and I’m—”
“Dork.” Joining him in chuckling, Rain shoved at his shoulder, but Garrick didn’t release him. “You know what I meant.”
“I do. Sorry. Couldn’t resist. And I know you don’t believe me, but despite his old-school ways, Dad really does want me happy. He’s not going to make trouble for us because you do make me happy, and he knows that.”
“You sure you’re happy?” Maybe Rain needed to hear it again, a few dozen times, and then he could start to believe in it more.
“Just ask Cookie.” Garrick gestured at the dog, who was already by the door, leash in her mouth, tail wagging because she sensed a car ride. “She’s so much calmer and perkier with us together. And I might not have a tail to shake, but that’s me too. When you’re not here, it feels like I’m missing something essential, like I’m a stack of kindling without the spark.”
Garrick’s pretty words made Rain’s skin heat and he kissed Garrick’s cheek. “I dunno. You might look cute wagging. And feel free to lick my...whatever.”
“Ha.” Garrick playfully swiped at Rain’s face with his tongue. “Seriously, though. You make me happy in so many little ways with your jokes and kindness and caring.”
“My caring? It feels like you’re always the one taking care of me. All week you had food for me even when it was late, and you spoil me in lots of other ways.”
“That’s exactly it. I love taking care of you. It’s quite possibly my favorite thing in the whole world, and it’s not that I think you need it or that you’re not capable of taking care of yourself, but I love that you let me. I think I was looking for something like this—someone like you—a very long time. It’s like I had all these little cracks, and us caring for either other, that fills them all in, makes me warm and cozy inside.”
“So you’re saying I’m like caulk?” Rain had to joke or else Garrick’s sweet speech was going to make him overwhelmed, make this tightness in his chest unbearable. And it wasn’t that he didn’t believe Garrick was sincere, but Garrick being this open about the depth of his feelings was...something. Something good, but also scary, wanting him this much, wanting to be wanted like this, and being worried it was all going to tumble down if he did or said the wrong thing.
“Hey, I never promised to be a poet.” Garrick kissed him again, slow and gentle. “All I’m trying to say is that you’re special. Special in general and special to me specifically. And I do think others can see and appreciate that specialness—like my dad.”
“I heard you on the phone with him the other day.” Rain finally admitted to one of the real sources of his discomfort. It hadn’t been an angry call at all, and it had ended with the invite, but there had been definite skepticism in the part Rain had overheard. “He thinks I’m going to leave. And I know Grandma does too. She’s been teasing me like I’m... I dunno...a fickle kid, I guess. Like this is another whim and I’ll change my mind soon enough.”
“So? Prove them wrong.” Giving him a tight squeeze first, Garrick locked eyes with him. “And I meant what I said the other day. If you do go, I’m going to follow. You’re not getting rid of me so easily.”
“Good.” He tried to let Garrick’s conviction chase away his doubts.
“I only want you happy. And I think that’s where the others are coming from too. Everyone wants you to find that thing in life that makes you the happiest, whatever and wherever that might be.”
“I did. I found you.” He held Garrick’s gaze this time, willing him to understand. Maybe he hadn’t found a profession for himself yet, but he’d found Garrick and Cookie and a place here, and that was something, something real and tangible.
“Damn. I love you.” Garrick’s tone was almost reverent, and it made a bubbly sensation race up Rain’s spine.
“Seriously?” They’d been dancing around the words for days now, talking about how much they cared and how they wanted this to work out. Sweet words and sweeter kisses, but not this exact wording, not yet.
“Told you. You’re special and I want to keep you around, whatever I have to do to make that happen. Yeah, I love you.”
“Thanks.” It wasn’t the same as saying the words back, but it was all he could seem to manage, throat tight and brain whirling. Love...that was a whole different level. He was still trying to wrap his head around Garrick caring enough to be willing to think about leaving his home. Love. That implied a permanence and an even greater depth of feeling that Rain wasn’t entirely sure what to do with. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to say the words back, but somehow he couldn’t.
Garrick frowned slightly, but if anything, he held Rain tighter. “I mean it. And I love all of you. Not just your smoking new swim attire.”
“You do have good taste.” Relieved that Garrick was giving him a change of subject to cling to, he forced his voice to be light and easy. Remembering Rain’s disdain for standard swim trunks, Garrick had surprised him by ordering this set, close-fitting powder blue shorts with Rain’s favorite pony character on one leg and a rainbow on the other, and a matching rash guard shirt. It might not be as sexy as skinny-dipping, but it was more than satisfactory as socially acceptable swimming attire for public.
He liked the shirt part a lot because it was the combo of bare chest and baggy board shorts that he’d never much liked. It wasn’t so much that he’d craved a more femme option as that he wanted to feel more like himself, and this new outfit did that. All that was missing was his usual mindset of not giving a fuck for others and their opinions. He needed to stop worrying about whether Garrick’s dad approved of him. Garrick swore that Rain made him happy. Heck, he said he loved Rain. He needed to focus on that, not stupid worries.
That in mind, he stole one more kiss then hefted himself off Garrick’s lap. “Come on, Cookie. Let’s load up.”
Once they were underway, Garrick fiddled with the stereo volume before speaking. “I’ve been thinking. And talking to Stephanie at PT yesterday too. I think I’m going to look into trading in my old truck, get something more compatible with hand controls and easy loading of the chair on my own.”
“That makes sense.” Rain didn’t want to make too big a deal out of this decision, but he was well aware that this was another large step in Garrick accepting the permanence of his situation and making plans for his future accordingly. “I don’t mind being your chauffeur, but I can see where you’d enjoy driving again. Be able to set your own hours at work. You should do it.”
He tried to be way more upbeat and pragmatic about this than he’d been about the special leash for Cookie. Garrick independent was a good thing, and like Grandma had said, even if a person had the ability to do something on their own, they could still choose to do things together simply because they wanted to. Like Garrick might still ride with Rain sometimes, and Rai
n was going to work on trusting that he’d want Rain around regardless of need.
“Yeah. I’ll need lessons, and it might require a trip to Portland to find the right vehicle, but I think it might be worth it.”
“Your dad will probably cheer you on too. You’ll be able to do some of your own grocery shopping, get your endless supply of eggs and protein powder.” He gave an exaggerated shudder to make Garrick laugh.
“Hey now. The drinks I make myself aren’t that gross.”
“Yeah, they kind of are. But it’s okay. You’re cute and I lo—like you anyway.” He had to stop himself from the casual use of the L-word. If he hadn’t been able to get the word out back when Garrick had been waiting for it, Rain wasn’t about to toss it in as an oh-by-the-way in an ordinary conversation either.
“I like you a lot too.” Garrick gave his thigh a fond pat before Rain made the turn for the country road that led to his dad’s place. This wasn’t his first trip out this way as he’d picked Garrick up from here a couple of times, but this was the first invitation he’d had to a meal. Damn it. Now his flutters were back, which Garrick seemed to sense, because he added, “You’re damn easy to like. Just ask Cookie.”
“Cookie likes anyone with biscuits.” He snort-laughed, but it did work to relieve a little of his antsiness. “Your dad is maybe a little more discriminating.”
“He called me this morning to verify what you can eat. Twice. Maybe he’s nervous too. It’ll work out, baby. You’ll see.”
“Okay.”
“And you deserve a nice dinner and swim after the week you’ve had on clean-up duty. Everyone’s noticed how hard you’ve been working. Ryland and Adams both remarked on it yesterday. You’ve really stepped it up with your boss out.”
High Heat Page 26
