by Maxim Gorky
He was sadly puzzled.
He asked his wife:
“What do you think, Mitrodora? Is everything about me in order?”
She answered reassuringly:
“Everything.”
“But sometimes it seems to me——”
She was a religious woman and advised him:
“Whenever you begin to imagine anything, recite mentally: ‘Let God arise and his enemies will fall.’”
He questioned his friends also, in a roundabout way. They answered evasively, but looked at him suspiciously, as though he merited strong condemnation.
“What can it be?” thought the gentleman, feeling downcast.
He tried to recall his past. Everything seemed to be quite normal. He had been a socialist, had incited youths to revolt; but later on he had renounced everything, and for a long time now had strenuously trampled underfoot the “crops” himself had sown. Generally speaking he had lived like everybody else, in accordance with the spirit and inspirations of the times.
He pondered and pondered and suddenly discovered what it was:
“O Lord, I haven’t got a national face!”
He rushed to the looking-glass and saw that his face really had an indistinct expression, like that of a blind man. It suggested a page of a translation from some foreign language, done carelessly by a more or less illiterate person who had omitted all punctuation, so that it was impossible to make out what was on the page. It might be read as containing either a demand that one’s soul should be sacrificed for the liberty of the people, or that it was necessary to recognise the full sway of absolutism.
“H’m, what a mixture, to be sure,” thought the gentleman; and he decided at once: “No, it is not the thing to live with a face like that.”
So he began to wash it every day with expensive soaps, but this did not help: the skin shone, but the indistinctness remained. He began to lick his face with his tongue—his tongue was long and well adjusted, for at one time the gentleman had been engaged in journalism. But even his tongue was of no avail. He applied Japanese massage to his face, and bumps appeared, as they do after a hard fight, but still he could obtain no definiteness of expression.
He tried and tried, but without success; all that he achieved was to lose a pound and a half in weight. Suddenly to his joy he learned that the head constable of his district, von Judenfresser, was known for his understanding of national problems. He went to him and said:
“Matters stand so-and-so, your Honour. Cannot you help me in my trouble?”
The head constable of course was flattered: here was an educated man, not long since suspected of disloyalty to the throne, now asking advice with confidence on how to change the expression of his face. The constable chuckled, and in his great joy exclaimed:
“There is nothing simpler, my dear friend, my American gem. Rub your face against members of a subject nationality. Your real face will at once be revealed.”
The gentleman was pleased, the weight of a mountain fell from his shoulders. He sniggered loyally and said to himself in some astonishment:
“Why could I not have guessed it myself? The whole matter is so simple.”
They parted very good friends. The gentleman rushed out into the street, planted himself at a comer and waited. Presently a Jew came along; he rushed up to him and began:
“If you,” he said, “are a Jew, you must become a Russian. If you do not want to, then——”
The Jew (as is known from all anecdotes) belongs to a nervous and timid people. But this one was of a capricious character and would not put up with pogroms. He raised his arm, gave the gentleman a blow on the left cheek, and went home to his family.
The gentleman leaned against the wall, rubbing his face, and thinking:
“Well, well, the formation of one’s national face is connected with sensations not always altogether agreeable, but let it be. Nekrassoff, although he was a poor poet, said quite truly:
“Nothing can be got for naught:
Fate demands its victims.”
Suddenly a native of the Caucasus passed by. As proved by all anecdotes they are an uncivilised and hot-headed people. He was singing as he walked along:
“Mitskhales sakles mingrule.”1
The gentleman pounced upon him:
“No,” he said, “be quiet. If you are a Georgian you must become a Russian, and you must not love the hut of a Mingrelian, but what you are ordered to love. You must like prison, even without orders——”
The Georgian left the gentleman in a horizontal position and went and drank Kachetin wine. The gentleman lay on the ground and pondered:
“Well, well, there are also Tartars, Armenians, Bashkirs, Kirghises, Mordva, Lithuanians. O Lord, what a number! And these are not all. There are our own people, the Slavs.”
At this juncture a Little Russian came along, and of course he was singing in a very disloyal manner:
“Our ancestors once led
A happy life in Ukraina.…”
“No,” said the gentleman, rising to his feet. “Will you be kind enough in future to use the letter ‘y’ instead of ‘oo’2; otherwise you undermine the unity of the empire.”
He argued the point at some length, and the Little Russian listened, for, as proved most conclusively by all the collections of Little Russian anecdotes, the Little Russians are a very slow people, and like to do their work without hurrying. Unfortunately this gentleman was somewhat insistent.
Some kind people picked the gentleman up and asked him:
“Where do you live?”
“In Great Russia.”
Of course they took him to the police station. As they were driving along he felt his face, not without pride, though with a certain sense of pain. It seemed to him that it had grown considerably broader and he thought to himself:
“I believe I have acquired…”
He was taken before von Judenfresser, and the latter, like the humane person he was, sent for the police doctor. When the doctor came they began to whisper to each other in surprise, and kept giggling, which seemed a strange thing to do in the circumstances.
“It is the first case in the whole of my practice,” whispered the doctor. “I cannot make it out.”
“What may that mean?” thought the gentleman, and asked:
“Well, how do I look?”
“The old face is quite rubbed off,” answered von Judenfresser.
“And generally speaking has my face changed?”
“Of course it has, only, you know——”
The doctor said consolingly:
“Your face is such, dear sir, that you may just as well put your trousers on it.”
So it remained for the rest of his life. There is no moral here.
1“Love a Mingrelian hut.”—Trans.
2The Little Russians speak a dialect of the language in which the Russian sound for “y” is pronounced “oo.”
THE LIBERAL
There once lived a nobleman who liked to back up his statements by quoting history. Whenever he wanted to tell a lie, he went to a likely man and gave him the order:
“Egorka,3 go and find me facts from history to prove that such-and-such a thing does not repeat itself, and vice versa.”
Egorka was a smart fellow, and readily found what was wanted. The nobleman armed himself with these facts as occasion required and contrived to prove everything that was necessary. In fact, he was invincible.
He was, moreover, a plotter against the Government. At one time everyone thought it necessary to conspire against the Government. They were not afraid even to say to one another:
“The English have habeas corpus, but we have ukases.”
And they made mock at these differences between nations.
Having done that, they would forget the
Government oppression under which they suffered, and sit down and play whist till the cocks crew for the third time.
When the cocks announced the approach of mom the nobleman commanded:
“Egorka, sing something inspiring, and suitable to the hour.”
Egorka stood up and, lifting his finger, reminded them in a manner full of meaning:
“In Holy Russia the cocks crow,
It will soon be day in Holy Russia.”
“Quite true,” said the nobleman; “it will soon be day.”
And they retired to rest.
So far so good; but suddenly the people began to get agitated. The nobleman noticed this and asked:
“Egorka, why are the people restless?”
The latter looked pleased as he reported:
“The people want to live like human beings.”
“Well, who taught them that? I did. For fifty years I and my ancestors have fostered in them the idea that it was time for them to live like human beings; haven’t we?”
He began to get excited and pressed Egorka eagerly.
“Find me facts from history about the agrarian movement in Europe. Texts from the Gospels about equality, and from the history of civilisation about the origin of property. Be quick about it.”
Egorka was pleased. He perspired freely as he hurried hither and thither. He tore all the leaves out of the books, so that only the bindings were left. He carried big bundles of all kinds of convincing proofs to the nobleman, who still kept urging him on.
“Stick to it! When we have a constitution I will make you editor of a large Liberal paper.”
And becoming quite bold at last he began himself to speak to the more moderate of the peasants.
“Besides,” said he, “there were the brothers Gracchus in Rome; then in England, in Germany, in France.… And all this is historically necessary. Egorka, get me facts.”
Thereupon he proved, by facts, that every nation is bound to desire liberty, even against the wish of the authorities.
The peasants of course were pleased and cried:
“We thank you humbly.”
Everything went very well, harmoniously, in Christian love and mutual confidence, till suddenly the peasants began to ask:
“When are you going to clear out?”
“Clear out? Where?”
“Away.”
“Where from?”
“Off the land.”
And they laughed, saying:
“What a funny fellow. He understands everything, but he has ceased to understand what is simplest of all.” They laughed, but the nobleman became angry.
“But listen to me,” he said. “Why should I go if the land is mine?”
But the peasants did not heed him.
“How can it be yours when you have said yourself that it is the Lord’s, and that even before the time of Jesus Christ there were some just men who knew it?” He did not understand them, and they did not understand him. So he went again to Egorka.
“Egorka, look up the ancient histories and find me…”
But the latter replied in a perfectly independent spirit:
“All the histories were pulled to pieces to prove the contrary.”
“You are lying, you plotter.”
He rushed to the library and saw that it was true. Only the empty covers of the books remained. The surprise was so great that it threw him into a perspiration, and he began to appeal to his ancestors, saying sorrowfully:
“And who taught you to write history in such a one-sided manner? Look what you have done. Alas! what kind of history is it? To the devil with it!” But the peasants kept repeating the same thing:
“You have proved it all to us very clearly,” they said. “Get away as quickly as you can, or else we shall drive you away.”
Egorka had gone completely over to the peasants. When he met the nobleman he turned up his nose and laughed sneeringly:
“O you Liberal! Habeas corpus!”
Things went from bad to worse. The peasants sang songs and were in such high spirits that they carried off to their homes a stack of the nobleman’s hay.
Suddenly the nobleman remembered that he had another card to play. In the entresol sat his great-grandmother, awaiting an inevitable death. She was so old that she had forgotten all human words; she could only remember one thing:
“Don’t give…”
Since the year 18614 she had not been able to say anything else.
He hastened to her, his feelings greatly agitated. He fell at her feet affectionately and appealed to her:
“Mother of mothers, you are a living history.…”
But she only mumbled:
“Don’t give..
“But what is to be done?”
“Don’t give…”
“But they want to drown me—to plunder me.”
“Don’t give…”
“But should I give full play to my desire not to let the Governor know?”
“Don’t give…”
He obeyed the voice of this living history, and sent in the name of his greatgrandmother a telegram containing an irresistible appeal. Then he went out to the peasants and informed them:
“You have so frightened the old lady that she has sent for the soldiers. Be calm, nothing will happen, I shall not let the soldiers harm you.”
Fierce-looking warriors galloped up on horseback. It was winter-time, and the horses, which had sweated freely on the way, began to shiver as the hoar-frost settled on them. The nobleman pitied the horses and stabled them on his estate, saying to the peasants:
“You carted away some hay to which you had no right; please send it back for these horses. They are animals, guilty of nothing; don’t you understand?”
The soldiers were hungry; they caught and ate all the cocks in the village, and everything became peaceful in the nobleman’s district. Egorka, of course, went over to the nobleman’s side and, as before, the nobleman used his services in matters of history: he bought new copies of all the books and ordered all those facts to be erased which are apt to incline one towards Liberalism; and into those which could not be erased he ordered new sense to be put.
As for Egorka, he was equal to anything. To prove his versatility he turned his hand to pornography. Nevertheless a bright spot remained in his soul, and while he was busy blotting out historical facts his heart misgave him, and to appease his conscience he wrote verses and printed them under the nom de plume, “V. W.”—i.e. “Vanquished Warrior.”
“O chanticler, thou harbinger of morn,
How comes it that thy proud call has been stilled?
How comes it that thy place of t’other day
By yonder gloomy barn-owl now is filled?
The nobleman he needs no future now,
And all of us live each day like the last;
Poor chanticler has long since ceased to crow
And giv’n his drumsticks to a last repast.
When shall we waken unto life once more?
And who will call us when the dawn is nigh?
If chanticler, poor chanticler, is dead,
Pray who will wake and turn us out of bed?”
And the peasants of course calmed down; they now live in peace, and, as they have nothing else to do, spend their time making ribald verse:
“O honest Mother!
The Spring is nigh
When we shall groan
And, starving, die!”
The Russians are a happy people.
3By Egorka is meant the ordinary type of the Russian “intellectual” who has no backbone or principle, and is always at the beck and call of the landed proprietor, capitalist or the authorities.
4The year in which the serfs were liberated.
THE JEWS AN
D THEIR FRIENDS
Once upon a time, in a certain country, lived some Jews. They were ordinary Jews, fit for pogroms, for being slandered, or any other state requirements.
For example.
Whenever the native population began to show signs of being dissatisfied with life, the authorities removed certain clauses from the state regulations and sounded the following hope-awakening call:
“Draw near, you people; approach the seat of power.”
The people drew near; and the authorities began to remonstrate with them:
“What is the cause of the agitation?”
“Your Honours, we have nothing to eat.”
“Have you any teeth left?”
“Yes, a few.”
“You see, you always manage to conceal something from the authorities.”
When the local authorities found that the agitation could be suppressed by knocking out the remaining teeth, they immediately resorted to that remedy. But if they saw that harmonious relations could not be established by this means they began to ask tempting questions:
“What do you want?”
“Some land.”
Some of them who were so deep sunken in ignorance that they were not able to understand what was in the interest of the state, went further and kept repeating:
“We want reforms of some kind in order that our teeth and ribs and insides, at least, may be regarded as our own property, and not be touched without cause.”
The authorities reasoned with them:
“Oh, friends, why should you have these idle dreams? It is said that man liveth not by bread alone, also that one person that has been beaten is worth two that have not.”
“And do they agree?”
“Who?”
“Those who have not been beaten?”
“Of course, dear friends. Did not the English ask us not very many years ago: ‘Exile,’ they said, ‘all your own people to Siberia, and put us in their place. We,’ they said, ‘will pay the taxes punctually, and will drink twelve gallons of vodka per person per year, and, generally speaking..’ ‘No,’ we said, ‘why should we? Our people are all right, they are humble and obedient, they are not going to give us any trouble.’ So now, you good fellows, instead of getting excited like this, don’t you think you had better go and shake up the Jews a bit? What do you say to that? What else are they for?”
