Jack brought his drink to the stage, but he sings sober, that’s how comfortable he is. He lets his hair grow out, wears loose jeans, when everyone else is in skinnies, gets around in the same sneakers for a year solid. It’s a statement. Take me as I am. I refuse to conform. He makes me deeply ashamed of all that I’m not.
Next thing I know – Joey Milano.
Next to me on the grass.
Handing me a shot of something green.
‘Hey,’ he says.
‘Hey, Joey.’ Casual as you like. How did I even get the words out? My heart is thudding irregularly in my chest.
He leans towards me. Clinks his plastic shot glass with mine.
‘You ready?’ His eyes lock on mine. ‘One,’ he counts, ‘two . . . three.’
And before I have a chance to think about it, we’ve downed it. Whatever it was, it tastes foul, a bit tangy and a lot bitter. It burns going down my throat.
‘So,’ he says in my ear. ‘Someone told me that you can sing.’
‘Did they?’ Cold pinpricks are in my veins.
‘Like really freaking sing.’
‘Lots of people can sing.’ I try to make my voice sound normal. ‘Anyway, who said that?’
Nobody knows about my singing, except –
‘Alex.’
A light flicks off inside me. ‘Right.’
‘Shit,’ he says. ‘You guys don’t talk anymore, hey.’
Damn right we don’t. It’s actually rather funny. I could laugh at how completely clueless the guy is. He’s the reason we don’t talk. Hilarious.
‘So you write songs or just sing them?’
‘Both.’
‘You gonna give me a demo?’
Then he gives me this winning smile. The kind reserved for people like Millie. The most beautiful, dimpled smile he has never spent on me before.
I feel all smiley. Like the burn in my stomach has lit a lamp inside of me.
‘Come on, just a taste,’ he says.
I inhale deeply. How do you say no to a boy whose every movement you are fine-tuned to?
‘Maybe one day.’
It’s not no.
‘How about tonight?’
‘What, singing?’ I say.
‘No. This.’
It happens so fast, I think I’m dreaming it – Joey leaning over to kiss me. Pushing me back on the grass. His lips on mine, his tongue in my mouth. His hands on my chest.
The only reason I know it’s real is because he tastes of beer, which isn’t how I imagined it. But all that matters is that he’s kissing me. A well-practised kiss.
And once the shock wears off, I kiss him back.
I dare to hold him closer while I kiss him, run my hands up his spine. The kiss doesn’t last long. Not long enough for the people in front of us to notice, but long enough that by the time he pulls away, my mind is filled with song, and strange new lyrics. One thought is running laps in my brain – Joey Milano kissed me. Joey kissed me. And even though he’s drunk, deep down, some part of him must have wanted to.
It takes me a while to realise Joey pulled away from the kiss because he’s being called. A group are sitting in a circle near the clothesline, yelling and beckoning for him to join them. I’m in a daze, my lips still beautifully bruised by his warmth as I push up on my elbows. I think my lips will forever tingle with the knowledge of kissing him.
I watch him get to his feet, brush the grass from his knees – grass that’s only there because he was pushing into me on the ground.
Not Millie, me.
Joey stops halfway to the circle, then turns back, as if he isn’t sure what to do with me.
‘You coming?’ he says.
How can I say no? I get up off the grass. The circle parts for us, and Joey sits down, leaving a space for me beside him.
I can feel Chante glaring at me. Or maybe it’s at Joey. How much have they seen?
A girl throws the cards into a circle in the middle of the group and yells out the rules, but the words ricochet off me. I can feel Joey’s warmth beside me, and it seems impossible that someone like him could want someone like me. Does he really care that I can sing?
Joey lifts one of my long curls off my shoulder. ‘You have trippy hair, hey.’ Which I think is meant to be a compliment.
None of the girls like that I’m here. It’s their turf, and I’m stealing the attention of one of their guys. Usually they tolerate me, but this is overstepping and the possessive vibes are radiating off the twins in my direction.
I’m fast becoming a problem.
Everyone starts passing round buckets of the green drink, and dishing out cards. They’re playing a drinking game that I don’t understand, except I can see that someone needs to scull their drink with every turn.
It’s coming to my turn. Joey picks a card. Seven of hearts. The group thumps the ground as he drinks seven gulps from the tub.
I have to drive home. I need to say no, but will I ever be with Joey like this again? Next to him? Kissing him? There’s no way I’m going home now.
Besides, maybe I am too uptight. Even Mum told me to be a teenager, to rebel. This is rebelling, right? I can’t drive after that shot anyway.
So I pick a card. Five of clubs.
‘Five sips, Ruby,’ they say, thumping the earth like a tribal beat.
I take a small sip from the bucket. But when that elicits howls of protest, the attention seems to focus more on me. On Ruby having her fair share. So I have another.
With everyone booing me when I stop and cheering when I drink, it’s hard to know when I’ve had enough to pass the bucket along.
I almost gag on the last sip, and the game continues. Before long, I’m feeling giddy. The ground feels slightly wobbly beneath me and when I close my eyes to steady myself, I get sickening butterflies in my stomach. I open my eyes again.
The game breaks up once the drink’s been passed around the circle and everyone turns their attention to Jack. He’s singing Kid Rock’s ‘All Summer Long’.
‘I love this song!’ Angel says. She starts singing along, and Chante joins her, followed by Joey. All of a sudden, the entire backyard is full of song.
Without even thinking about it, I join my voice to theirs. Until we’re all singing, as one. Except when I turn to smile at Joey, I realise he’s stopped. And he’s looking at me, his mouth slightly open.
Now he’s all slow-voiced and serious. ‘You should be up there.’
And I look up at those eyes. His serious face, the lips I want to kiss again, the evening cloaked in darkness so it may as well be a dream. It’s so unreal that I push to my feet and make my way towards Jack.
Dare’s on. I’m the little girl in the swirly dress again. The one Mum would ask to sing and I’d do it with abandon.
A serious crowd has gathered around Jack by now and everyone cheers as I pick my way to him. Kyle wolf whistles and pushes his way to the front row. Jack unslings his guitar from his shoulder and offers it to me. Raises his eyebrows, like, ‘You know how to handle one of these things?’
I laugh.
These people think they know me. But they have no idea who I am. What I can do. I’m gripped with a fierce desire to show them.
I hook Jack’s guitar over my neck like I own it. He takes a step to one side. Shrugs. Then folds his arms, half-amused, so he can watch me muck this up. The twins whisper to each other, look at me.
They want me to burn.
I give the guitar a few lazy strums to find my rhythm and the crowd shushes. This is a make it or break it moment, but I don’t even care. I start with the melody, take a deep breath, close my eyes. Tell myself to be brave, sing it like I’m alone.
‘Oh, so many nights have I dreamed of you,
In your soccer clothes, with your hair askew.’
And my voice, of course, it behaves. It always does. And a smile shines from my core, and I open my eyes because tonight my soul is flying.
‘Oh, so many nights I have dreamed of you
>
With your arms so tight, wrapped around me too.’
And with the alcohol in my blood, I’m not shy or awkward. I suddenly understand why so many musos ruin their lives with drugs and alcohol. It takes guts to bare your soul.
Tonight, I’m the version of me that sings with Mum and Nan, with the people I trust. My voice floats out unhindered. And when Joey whistles, I go one further, looking straight at him, singing only for him.
‘But do you know, do you know it takes just one smile . . .’
Jack’s guitar picks up tempo beneath my fingertips.
‘With your eyes so deep and your hand in mine.’
Everyone cheers and it feels good, like freedom.
‘Do you know, do you know, it’s so far to fall
For a girl with a secret who’s too scared to call.’
I forget about where I am, forget about who’s listening. And for that brief moment, I am myself. Unapologetic.
Here I am.
This is my voice. My offering to the world.
When I sing the last line, Jack gets the crowd up and everyone cheers. A standing ovation. This is quite possibly the best night of my life. I unsling the guitar and step off the deck.
‘Hey, Ruby!’ People reach for my hand as I pass them. Hands reach out to high five me. ‘Go girl!’
But I keep moving because all I can see is Joey in front of me. He’s come to me through the crowd. He reaches for my hand, that mischievous grin on his face. The one he’s been giving only to me tonight.
‘Do you know, do you know,’ he whispers in my ear, ‘just how fucking good you are?’
He likes me.
Me. My voice.
He tugs me by the hand and I follow, two adventurers without a map, down to the far end of the yard, where we can be together, just the two of us. Joey Milano and me.
We crash down behind a large maple tree and Joey kisses me hard. And even though he’s been drinking, kissing someone twice in the one night has to mean something.
Next thing, his hand is between my legs, and my brain is struggling to compute that Joey is even kissing me again, except that there’s more. Because he’s parting my legs with his, and pressing himself against my jeans, sucking my neck. It doesn’t feel good, but I don’t want to be bad at this. I don’t want him to think I’m bad at it either, so I say nothing.
I look up at the stars and they’re blurry. I feel sick. Half from the alcohol, half because he wants me like this. Sick enough that when he starts pulling down my jeans, I protest.
‘Joey, we’re in the yard . . . I don’t know . . . there are people.’
‘Don’t worry,’ he breathes into my ear. ‘No one’ll see.’
I look over his body and I can see silhouettes of people away in the yard.
‘Relax,’ he says.
And even though I’m starting to panic, I run out of words. It’s happening so fast.
Joey drags my undies down with one shoe, and the next thing I know, he’s hard against me and, shit, when he pushes and forces his way in, it hurts like hell. I put my hand over my mouth. Want to yell out, but I’m frozen. And I don’t want anyone to see me.
He’s not kissing me anymore. He’s grunting and rough. And it burns.
All I can think is, Please, God, let it be over. Let it finish.
I am never doing this again. Never.
He breathes in my ear, ‘I’ll pull out.’
Then a few seconds later, he spasms above me and there’s stuff on my green top. But all I feel is relief that it’s over.
Joey’s panting now, and I’m still burning inside.
He rolls over and pulls up his pants. ‘Hey, I’m gonna go get another drink. You all right?’
I nod.
But I’m not.
My first time wasn’t meant to be like that, but I don’t want him to know it’s my first time. I’m not stupid enough to believe what we did was special. It sure as hell wasn’t for him.
And then I think, no condom.
I pull my undies and jeans back up and try to wipe my top clean with some leaves from the ground. Then I rest against the trunk of the maple a moment, reorienting myself. No one is looking my way. I just lost my virginity. I’m shaking with the shock of it.
I find my way to a bathroom on the bottom storey of the house. Thankfully, there’s no queue. I lock myself inside and lean against the door, taking deep breaths. I look at myself in the mirror, pick out a few bits of grass from my hair. My expression is blank – no sign of how disgusting I feel. The same hazel eyes look haplessly back at me.
I feel grazed inside. It stings when I wee, and there’s a thin smear of blood on the toilet paper after I wipe.
As I’m washing my hands, there’s a bang on the bathroom door. I jump. More thumping, and a muffled male voice, ‘Hurry up. I gotta piss!’
I check my face one last time. The perfect mask. Then I push out, past Kyle, who’s already unzipping his fly as he heads in after me. I hurry back to the yard.
I’m stuck at the party till I sober up. Can’t drive home. No money for a cab.
Joey doesn’t seem bothered by what we did. He hasn’t come to check on me. I see him laughing in a group with Jack, downing a beer, as Angel edges towards him from the side. He steps towards her, gives her the dimpled smile, laughs at something she said.
I take a couple of steps back, my breathing quick and shallow. I feel used. And deeply angry. At him. At myself. I just let that happen to me. I didn’t say yes, but he didn’t ask. Why didn’t I say no? Why didn’t I say stop?
I’m gripped by a desperate desire to tell Mum what Joey just did and have her cuddle me and run me a hot bubble bath and tuck the sheets around my feet in bed. I want her to say, you’re better off without a guy like that, and you never have to do that again as long as you live, my sweet girl. And you know what, if you want babies someday, they have IVF now, so you don’t ever have to do that again.
But I already know I will never tell Mum about this. She’s talked to me about sex a ton of times. She’s told me about the men she dated. That she didn’t want to settle down. Settling wasn’t her thing. But the sex? She told me it was good. She enjoyed it. And one day, when I was ready, I’d enjoy it too.
But how the hell could anyone in their right mind enjoy that? Or anything remotely resembling that?
I turn and leave. Quick as quick, I make for the side gate and head out to the front yard where there’s hardly anyone. Just a few randoms being sick or waiting for their parents.
As I push through the gate, I become aware that someone is following me. I step up the pace, but a voice calls from behind me.
‘Ruby,’ Lukas says.
‘What?’ My mouth is dry. My heart pounding in my chest. As I turn to face him, I realise how upset he’ll be if he finds out what happened. It’ll cut him more than what I did in the cafeteria.
‘I was looking for you.’ His words sound wounded. ‘Where’ve you been?’
No way I can tell him. But I realise sickeningly, that he’s going to find out. Joey will tell someone and then everyone will know.
‘I need to get out of here,’ I say.
‘What? Why? Ruby . . .’ He reaches for my hand, catches it. ‘C’mon, Ruby, smile. You look so pretty when you smile. Come back to the party with me. It’ll be fun.’
He waits till I look him in the eye. ‘Why’re you such an ice queen? You know I’ve always had a thing for you. If something’s wrong, you need to tell me. I’ll look after you, Ruby. I will.’
I pull my hand out of his and stumble to where a guy is hurling against a tree. Like he can somehow save me from all this. Like I should even be running to a guy to save me.
I change my mind and head for the street where the ute is parked.
But Lukas is half a step behind me. I spin around to face him. I can smell the beer on his breath. Same as Joey’s. Everyone here is drunk and out of control and scary.
‘What do you want, Lukas?’ I ask, my voice tremb
ling. ‘What do you want from me?’
His eyes flicker with pain again. Like in the cafeteria, except this time, he’s clenching his fists by his side.
‘Ruby, I fucking love you.’ His voice breaks as he says it.
‘You what?’
It’s the wrong guy. The wrong time. It’s what I dreamed of Joey saying when we made love.
Not now. Not Lukas.
He leans in to kiss me, but I run for the ute and climb inside, lock the doors behind me and slide down low where nobody can see me.
When I peer out the window a few minutes later, Lukas is gone. All I can hear is the faint sound of Jack’s guitar and the dull thump of a beat coming from the house.
My body begins to shake, uncontrollable shaking that I can’t stop. I catch a sob in my hand and bite my palm to stop from crying. Telling myself over and over that it’s okay.
I hold myself tight, but the tears come anyway.
You’re okay, Ruby. You’re okay.
But it’s a lie. Even drunk Ruby knows that.
‘You got back late,’ Mum says as I make my way into the kitchen at half past nine.
My stomach curls over and there’s the taste of metal in my mouth. My phone screen cracked at some point in the night, but I don’t dare show Mum, so I put it face down on the table.
‘Must have been a good party.’
‘It was okay.’
It’s the first time I’ve lied to her.
I can’t bring myself to tell the truth, even though I know she’d never judge me. My own father was a one night stand. She told me first time I asked. ‘There were many men on many nights,’ she’d said, shrugging. ‘I’m sorry it wasn’t more romantic than that, but those were my wild and free days.’
She made it sound like it was her choice, like she was having fun. Even if falling pregnant wasn’t her choice. That’s the bit she’s cautioned me about. ‘When you’re older, you’ll want to have sex, have a boyfriend. Just make sure you’re careful about protecting yourself.’
I bet she thought having that discussion a million times, would help. But look what I let happen. I didn’t protect myself. I wasn’t careful. Joey sure as hell wasn’t. And none of it was fun or free or wild.
Ruby Tuesday Page 4
