“I guess it could have been a lot worse. We managed pretty well all this time.”
Her expression softened. “I’m sorry, Phoenix. I’ve been playing around with this kind of dynamic for a long time. I should know it better by now.”
“What we’re doing is different from what you had before. It’s a learning curve for both of us.” I knew I needed to tell her about what else was on my mind, but I let her continue.
“Let’s set aside some time just to talk. Maybe one of our nights at eight thirty, instead of playing? Wednesdays? What do you think?”
“That works for me. But won’t you miss playing basically every night of the week?”
She blushed. “Honestly, I’ve always thought I was the type of person who wanted sex every day. Now that I’m having sex or at least playing almost every day, I think I could slow down a little. Not a lot, mind you. But four or five days a week doesn’t sound like a bad idea.”
I took her hand. “Look at you, learning things about yourself.”
She laughed. “You know, I’d had play partners, but not someone I saw this often, at least not since my ex-girlfriend. When I think of what I want, half of it is from a relationship I had a long time ago, and half of it is a fantasy.”
I thought for a moment. “Has this been the fantasy you’d wanted it to be? It’s been six months and I’ve never put on a red coat.”
She gave me that half-smile from her pictures. “It’s been what I wanted. You have a whole other life outside of me, and then we have this together.”
“Will spending time together outside of this ruin it for you?”
She shook her head. “I’ve liked hanging out with you. It’s made me like you more. Besides, I don’t think we can keep having this without it. What about you? Does it ruin the fantasy?”
“People always think that, that fantasies are better with some blank spot where they can imagine another person exactly as they want. But I don’t think so.”
“Do you worry we’ll be disappointed with each other? When we get to know each other better?”
“Kris, we’re going to be talking and hanging out for an hour a week, right? We’re not suddenly trapped in a room together for days on end with all each other’s annoying habits. I don’t think a tiny glimpse into each other’s thoughts will destroy the mystery.”
She looked at her lap. “How is it for you? In terms of fantasies and everything?”
“I’ve had a great time. I’m glad I finally had a threesome and went to play parties. But I’d rather be able to have a conversation with you, honestly.”
“Even if it means losing a night of play and sex every week?”
I tried not to laugh. “Look, I’ve been perfectly happy with our arrangement, but I can’t keep up with the schedule forever. Two platonic nights a week, or even three, sounds just fine to me. I have a pretty high libido, and if I had nothing to do all day, maybe I’d just have sex. But I have other ambitions, and sometimes sex and kink slips on my priority list a little.”
She leaned back. “I can’t imagine having nothing to do all day. I think I’d lose my mind.”
“Lucky there’s a middle ground between working ninety hours a week and not ever having anything to do.” I stretched out my legs and put my feet on the coffee table.
“I’m not great with middle ground,” she said. “I’m not great at situations where I don’t have control either.”
“I think I noticed that.”
“I’m worried, Phoenix. I’m worried that even an hour a week, you won’t like me anymore.”
“That’s so sad.” I reached to run my fingers to through her hair, but she jerked away.
“I’ve stuck with the things I’m good at and that I’ve loved. I’m not interesting. I don’t have great funny stories. I’m not the best with feelings. I mean, I knew something was going on with you, but all I could manage was taking you to the beach. I should have been talking to you more, but I didn’t know how. I have limitations.”
“You know all those things? They get easier with practice. Sometimes it feels impossible, but that doesn’t mean that’s the whole story. You try it, and you get stronger at it, just like everything else.”
“I did try though. I tried to be a balanced person, and I failed.”
“Yeah, a long time ago.”
“I tried with everything I have,” she said, her voice breaking.
“Jesus, she really did a number on you, huh?”
“She cheated on me. The whole last year of our relationship. With my best friend, with the woman who’d been one of my roommates in college. I’m a pretty introverted person, but I’m also loyal. I thought Laurie might be cheating, so I talked to my friend, you know? And she kept reassuring me that I was overreacting, that things were tense because I was working so much but would get better when things calmed down at work. It never occurred to me that my friend was lying to me. Then one day my laptop was dead so I borrowed Laurie’s, and her email was open. There it was, a love note from my best friend.”
“Shit.”
“Yeah. I confronted Laurie, and she told me that if I had been a better partner, she wouldn’t have cheated. She said if I’d been paying attention, I would have figured it out sooner, and she would have stopped. I had figured it out though! I’d suspected something since the beginning of their affair, but I spent a year thinking I was crazy because the two people I trusted most lied to my face. I told her that, that I had suspected and talked to my best friend about it, and I’d been manipulated. She said, ‘Whatever.’” Kris sounded defeated.
“And that was it?”
“Sort of. We argued some more. Laurie was angry I worked so much and said she felt neglected. She was mad because she thought our relationship was going nowhere. She’d asked me to marry her when we were twenty-three, and I’d said I needed time and we never talked about it again. The stupid thing was, I’d bought an engagement ring before she started cheating. We were young, but I loved her. I was building a professional life I was proud of. I thought my life was falling into place. I planned a special date so I could propose, but she canceled at the last minute with some really strange excuse. I didn’t think too much of it, so I planned another date, but she canceled on me again. She said she was working late once and I went to surprise her—with the stupid ring in my pocket—she wasn’t there. I realized something was wrong, and that’s when I started talking to my friend that I thought Laurie was cheating. Of course, she just made me feel crazy. I put the ring away thinking we’d work it out and then get married. By the time I knew what was happening, we couldn’t fix things between us. We didn’t communicate about the problems we had, and before I knew it, I’d lost two people I loved.”
“What happened after you confronted her?” I asked.
“She moved in with my friend. I didn’t want anything to do with either of them, so I cut off contact. They were pretty much my only friends, so once they were gone, I was alone. I didn’t know how to make new friends either, so I just worked. After the breakup, I moved into a little studio and poured myself in work even more than usual. I didn’t do anything other than work for probably a year.
“Then I looked up one day and I had money but no one in my life. I decided to go to some BDSM events. I hadn’t been since I’d moved to the Bay—Laurie and I had been pretty much private players after we left Seattle. It was horrible at first because I didn’t know anyone, but I made friends, and I met a play partner, and eventually, I had something outside of work. I realized that even if I never had another girlfriend, I could still have a good life and most of the things I wanted. I felt really optimistic for a little while. So I bought this house, had it fixed up, but that’s as far as I got.”
“And then you got me, living in your house. Do you regret it?”
She gave me a little smile. “Not at all. You being here, it makes my life so much better. It makes me better. You remind me there’s more to life than work, that I get to be happy. For the first ti
me, I’m seeing that I could try something else. I could change direction.”
I gave her arm a squeeze. “I’m glad. Being here has been wonderful for me too.”
“Can I tell you something, though?” She looked shy. “I still miss them, my ex and my ex-friend. They hurt me, and I’m still sad they aren’t part of my life. But they’re married. So seeing either one of them would also mean seeing that they’re a couple, and I don’t know if I could stand that. Even if it breaks my heart that I don’t know them anymore.” She blinked back tears. “You’re the only person I’ve ever told that.”
“Oh, Kris,” I said and entwined our fingers. “I’m so sorry.”
“At least I have someone to tell now.”
I cuddled up to her. I took a deep breath and let it out. “I have something to tell you. I auditioned for a part in an aerial play. And I found out that I got it.”
“Phoenix, that’s wonderful!” She wrapped up me in a hug. “Congratulations!”
“The thing is, it’s a tour. Rehearsal is here and the show opens here, but then we’ll travel all over the country.”
“For how long?”
“We’ll be traveling for more than five months.”
The room fell silent. I felt Kris shift away from me slightly, even as I tried to inch closer.
“When do you leave?”
“Mid June.”
Silence once again.
I asked her, “What do you want to do? Is it too much, that I’m leaving? Do we have to end this?” Dread made my stomach somersault. What if I had to find a place to live my final months in the Bay Area? Worse, what if Kris never wanted to see me again?
“Of course not. I want to make the most of the time we have together. If you want to.”
I exhaled in relief. “Yes. I was so scared you wouldn’t want to.”
“I knew eventually there’d be an end. You’d get on your feet professionally, and you wouldn’t need me anymore. Of course it happened quickly; you’re very good at what you do.” Her voice was full of false brightness.
“I’m not only here because I need to be. I’m here because I want to be. I’m excited for this opportunity, but I’m not excited to leave. There’s an eventual end if you say there’s going to be an end, but I wasn’t thinking of it that way.”
“Phe, come on. Did you really think you were going to spend the rest of your life in this arrangement? That you wouldn’t eventually want an actual partner?”
She had me on that. “Okay, yes. But I’m having fun here. I want to actually talk to you more often and get to know you better. I’m not looking forward to leaving.”
“But aren’t you excited?”
“I can be two things at once.”
She moved toward me again. “I’m two things at once, too.”
We stayed cuddling for a long time, curled up together, not saying another word.
Chapter Twenty
My life settled back into a routine over the next few weeks. I finished up my teaching gigs, put in notice for my work-trade position, trained, and performed a handful of smaller gigs. I saw my friends. I cleaned the house, cooked, and had my nights with Kris. We managed to start talking to each other on our no-sex night pretty easily. Soon, she was coming home earlier on Wednesdays and we had dinner together as we caught up. We followed that with a movie, some TV, a card game, or a short evening walk. It was surprising how comfortable we quickly became. Though I still felt that edge of a crush for Kris, leaving was making it easier to keep my feelings tamped down. I couldn’t risk hurting her, knowing her history, and I doubted I was really in a place to be a good partner.
“You’re sure your crush isn’t getting out of hand?” John asked when we had our weekly FaceTime session one afternoon in mid March. The night after my talk with Kris, I’d finally spilled my guts to him about everything. He’d been worrying about it ever since.
“I’m sure,” I said.
“Okay, because now is not the time to get your heart broken. You have a show to do.”
“I won’t. I promise.”
“I cannot wait until your show comes to New York. Ollie’s so excited. The horrible drive will be worth it.”
“Please remember that any time I’m not performing, it’s all one horrible drive.”
“At least you get paid for it.”
“And you get paid to teach adorable kids all day who sometimes sneeze in your mouth.”
“Ugh, don’t remind me. Logan peed on me yesterday. Maybe on purpose. I don’t know with that kid.”
I laughed. “I miss you so much.”
“Me too.”
“I want to pressure you to visit, but I guess I can’t until I’m back.”
“Are you sure you’re going back to the Bay? You might get offered something great while you’re meeting aerial people on tour.” He waited a beat. “Boston needs trapeze artists, I’m sure.”
“New York would have been more subtle.”
“I’ll remember that next time I try to lure you out here. Just keep an open mind. Not about Boston, just about opportunities that come up.”
“That’s kind of the last thing I want. I’m not freaking out about the tour because I keep telling myself it’s only for six months.”
“Well, sure, if you have a reason to go back to the Bay. But really, is anything keeping you there? Kristen? I get keeping a lid on your feelings if you know nothing can come of it, but heading back to be with her when you two haven’t talked about what you really want…”
“I know,” I said. “I’m just not ready to make that decision.”
“When will you be?”
John and his excellent questions. I didn’t have an answer for him.
* * *
Kris’s birthday fell the weekend before rehearsal started. I’d asked her months earlier if she wanted to do anything special and she’d shrugged me off, but when we sat down at the dining room table the Wednesday before her birthday, she had another idea.
“Would you go away with me for my birthday?” she asked.
“Are you joking?”
“Nope, I’m totally serious.”
“When? Where? Uh, how?”
“Friday afternoon through Sunday. An inn in Santa Cruz. I called on a whim the other day and they’d just had a last-minute cancelation. I booked it. I know it’s not something we discussed. Even if you don’t want to go, I think I will. I keep thinking about that day we went to the beach in Pacifica and how much fun I had. When I first moved here, I went to Santa Cruz with Laurie and had the best time. But I never went back for some reason. I think I can start off thirty-seven by doing something fun. Do you want to go?”
“I want to.”
“Can you go?”
“Yes. It’s just, it’s my last weekend before the chaos of rehearsal.”
“We don’t have to,” she said quickly.
“No. I think I can. I might need us to rethink the chores though. I can’t get everything done and have a weekend away with you.”
“Of course. Don’t worry about your chores. I’ve loved our arrangement, but obviously things are changing.” She looked down at her hands. ‘This isn’t about our agreement. This trip isn’t a requirement, I mean. It’s something to do only if you want to. It’s outside of anything else we do.”
“So, it’s a date?”
She grimaced. “It could be a date. Or it could be as friends. Whatever you like.”
I twirled a strand of my hair around my finger. “I’m interested. Either way, I’ll go.”
She nodded but looked a little nervous. What did it mean if it was a date? Why did I even bring that up? I let it go without us ever deciding.
When the time came for the trip, though, any nervousness she had seemed to have been forgotten. She loaded up her car and whisked me off to Santa Cruz. Kris had, much to my surprise, made a playlist for the occasion.
“I’ve never thought of you listening to music,” I said as our road trip kicked off with the Runaway
s.
“Who doesn’t listen to music?”
“I just never pictured you, I don’t know, putting on a song and dancing around your bedroom.”
She laughed. “Is that the only way to listen to music?”
“Yes, obviously. But you know what I mean. I don’t think of you doing normal people things, or having normal people interests. I think of you just working and being a dom and, like, privately watching nerdy television once in a while. Whenever you say you like a type of music, or magazines, or other simple thing, I’m shocked.”
“It seems like you think of me as a person without a personality.”
“You’re a really hard person to get to know.”
“Am I at least mysterious? Intriguing?”
“Sure, but you can be so focused on your job to the exclusion of everything else, it can be hard to engage with you.”
She sighed. “I know. It’s time for a change. I keep going back and forth about my work future. I want to leave. I just don’t know what else I would do.”
“Maybe you’d figure that out with some free time? It’s hard to feel imaginative when you’re drained and burned out.”
“I thought this company would be huge, you know? Like publicly traded down the line.”
“It still could be, though, right? Even if you move on.”
“Which would mean I left before I made a fortune.”
“It seems like you already made a fortune. Do you actually need more money? You don’t take fancy trips, your car isn’t brand new, and you aren’t buying diamonds or anything. You bought your house in a recession and now it’s worth, what? Well over a million dollars? Do you have some debt I don’t realize? I get that you spend some money on clothes and stuff, but that can’t possibly eat up what you make. How are you not set for life?”
She bit her lip. “I guess I am. I don’t know. I grew up working class. My dad was out of work a couple of times when I was a kid, and we lost our house and had to move into an apartment. I had to share a room with my little sister and we drove each other crazy. My folks had to keep renting until my sister finished high school.
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