Chapter 7
Carter, Daniel, and Paul sat amongst thirteen older male students in the otherwise empty gymnasium. Dressed in their normal school clothes, jeans and multiple collared shirts or t-shirts, they stared out at the lines of the basketball court and the lowered nets on each side.
Silencing their chatter, a tall, strong-looking man emerged through the double doors, taking long strides and pumping his arms. He had on fake hair, a fake tan, and a fake smile. The students gazed at him with awe as he strolled up to them and snatched off his sunglasses, revealing tan lines around his eyes. This was Mr. Howzer, the basketball couch.
“I called this meeting,” he chirped in a voice higher than one might expect, “a month before the start of the season for two reasons. The first is to welcome the three sophomores who made it on the varsity team. I love seeing new faces here, kids that want to be basketball stars, wading knee-deep in pussy on the way to school every morning. Though I fully support that goal, I’ve got some bad news. You’re going to be sitting the bench until you’re a senior. Don’t be a baby about it. Just suck it up and deal. You’ll wait your turn like everyone else.”
Mr. Howzer took a breath, running his hand through the hair on his head, which looked like it was held on there by Velcro. The students absorbed every word he said. Some had their mouths hanging open, not appearing to blink or even breath.
“The other reason I called this meeting is to tell you we have to do better this year. We keep getting knocked out of sectionals before we can make it to states, and frankly it’s become embarrassing for me. The time has come to stop sucking! Got that? The old excuses aren’t going to work anymore. Oh, I can’t be expected to hit every foul shot. I’m having trouble keeping up with my man. I’m too white. Enough! No more! So what can we do to get better?”
A question suddenly thrown in their faces, most of the boys glanced awkwardly at each other. The coach crossed his thick arms under his puffy chest, waiting for an answer. Finally, one of the seniors raised his hand and the coach pointed at him.
“We could start training really hard, running, ball drills, sprints, and start it all now so we’re in top shape when the season begins. Then we’ll be able to work seamlessly as a team, fortifying our defense and solidifying our offense.”
“No!” Mr. Howzer howled, bending his knees a little so he could hit a higher note. “You’ve got it dead wrong. Probably been watching too many movies. Nobody gets anywhere by working hard. That’s for suckers! We’re going to stick with our normal weight lifting routine, but we’re going to spice it up with something special. You’ve got to find a secret weapon, and I’ve found ours. Actually, that’s what this whole meeting is about. The rest of it is bullshit.”
“So, what is it?” gawked another senior.
Mr. Howzer put his hand to his chin and chuckled. He rubbed his hands together and licked his lips.
“I ordered it from the Internet.” He nodded ominously. “It’s this secret dietary supplement from China. Their Olympic athletes use it. That’s how they get so freakishly muscular. I want you all to start guzzling it immediately. It’s a special blend of growth hormones, vitamins, chemicals, and God knows whatever stuff they cooked up, but the great thing is it’ll never show up in any tests. We could go straight to the national championships and no one would ever know!”
“We’re going to get to use steroids?” asked an excited student.
“You bet your ass you are,” Mr. Howzer beamed. “I’ve ordered enough to last us for years. Just mix a little bit of the powder into a glass of water every day, and you’ll immediately feel it working. Course there are a few side effects, headaches, heart palpitations, premature ejaculation, but that’s nothing compared to the thrill of victory we’re about to experience. But we have to keep this a secret. No one can find out about this or it would ruin everything. Have you got that? All right. Good. I’ve got the stuff in the back of my truck. Let’s go.”
Outside, the coach and his team approached a rusty old pick-up truck. A tarp covered something in the back, and Mr. Howzer yanked it off to reveal countless gallon tubs with bright red labels and Chinese characters. Grabbing one, Mr. Howzer held it up to his athletes.
“I’m not exactly sure, but I think this supplement is called Gongdong. I’ve already started taking it. Tastes pretty good. Go ahead and dig in!”
All at once, the students started pushing their way to the edge of the truck to take the large tubs. Smiling, laughing, and flexing their arms, they all expressed their excitement about this new secret weapon. Carter happened to have a bottle of water, and so he popped his open and scooped out a little more than a teaspoon. Dumping it in the water, he took a swig and examined the red label.
“It is pretty good! And, hey, there is a little bit of English on this thing. Down here on the side, it says ‘One drink makes you into Chinese’.”
“So does that mean we won’t be able to drive anymore?” Daniel asked.
Loose Lips Sink Ships Page 11
