Which one is the real Tony? The controlling man who makes rules and pushes everyone away, or the gentle, tortured soul I glimpse when he lets his guard down?
Both are amazing in bed, but which one will send me packing when this is over?
And could either of them love me?
As if he heard her question, he kissed her lightly on the forehead, then rested his chin on her hairline. She fell asleep to the sound of his deepening breaths and the steady beat of his heart beneath her ear.
Tony held her to him and tried to sort the day out.
She leaves as soon as I get her out of my system.
Even after their wild ride and his recent release, his cock stirred at the thought of having her again. It may take a while, though.
He’d been far from celibate over the years, and he was comfortable with his routine. Sex was a natural function that two consenting adults engaged in without much drama. A leisurely fuck, a promise to call that neither believed, and the occasional repeat if the sex was good enough. Too much sex with one woman led to expectations that he had no intentions of honoring, so he kept it simple and brief.
So what was this?
If by some miracle the story of what we did today stayed out of the paper, there wasn’t a person in Fort Mavis who wouldn’t have heard about it. Was that why I did it? Some primal need to pound my chest and stake my claim?
What happened to wanting to save her reputation?
A realization sent his heart pounding in his chest. I wasn’t thinking about what this would mean for her or for me. I wasn’t thinking at all.
Sarah nuzzled against his chest in her sleep and he wanted to wake her, to warn her again that her trust in him was misplaced. Instead, he held her to him and joined her in the escape of slumber.
The windows were dark with night when he sat up in bed, gasping for air, his cheeks wet from tears he shed only in his dreams. Sarah sat up and cupped his face in a move of comfort. Her hands stilled when she felt his tears.
He pulled back from her and turned away, dropping his feet to the floor on the side of the bed. She followed him and wrapped her arms around him from behind, laying her head on his back.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” he said harshly, fighting both the memories of his dream and a wave of shame.
“You don’t have to,” she said softly and held him tighter. Bare skin to bare skin, normally a source of excitement, brought him comfort this time. They simply sat there while his breathing returned to normal within her embrace.
Eventually he covered one of her delicate hands with his own. “You are a good woman, Sarah. You deserve a man who can treat you better than I will.”
“I had a good man. We bored ourselves into a breakup.”
Tony chuckled lightly, further distancing himself from the tortured images of his dreams. “I never know what you’re going to say.”
Sarah kissed the base of his neck, then hugged him again. “I’ll take that as a compliment.” When he didn’t respond to her joke, Sarah said, “Everyone has scars, Tony. If yours were on your skin and not in your heart, would you hide them from me? Would you be ashamed?”
Tony rolled onto his back and pulled her to his side again, looking at the dark ceiling instead of her. “If they were as ugly, I might.”
While rubbing one hand on his chest, Sarah said, “I killed my younger brother.”
Tony’s arm tightened around her, knowing that although she believed that, a woman like her never would have.
She said, “We were at my family’s lake house. My parents were cooking. Charlie went to ask them a question. I was supposed to watch Phil, but I didn’t notice that he’d stopped making his sandcastle. I don’t remember which daydream to blame. They found his body a few hundred feet away. He’d drowned. Not a sound. Not a scream. Just there and then gone. He was only three.”
“How old were you?” Tony asked, feeling her pain entwine with his own.
“Eight. Old enough to know better.” Five words, but they were heavy with years of self-recrimination.
“Too young to be responsible,” Tony growled.
Sarah shrugged and shook within his embrace. “That’s what everyone said, but I know the truth. It was my fault. I was supposed to watch him.”
He hugged her to him. He sought the words that would ease her pain, but he had never found them—not even for himself.
“Whatever you did, Tony, has keeping it inside made you feel better? Or has it festered? I would give anything to go back and undo what I did that day, but I can’t. All I can do is face it and try to go on.”
“Go to sleep, Sarah.”
She leaned up and kissed his jaw. “Okay, but think about what I said.”
He did.
Long after she fell asleep again, he stared into the darkness and thought about what she had shared and why hearing it had touched him so deeply.
Chapter Twelve
Sarah woke up in Tony’s arms and froze. Her cheeks warmed as she remembered the drive to the cabin. Normally she would have said that most displays of affection were best kept private. She and Doug had shared quick public kisses at the beginning or end of a date, but they’d both agreed that more than that was inappropriate.
She and Tony had no such agreement.
In fact, it was a little unsettling to consider what she’d agreed to by coming with him to his cabin. All or nothing.
I agreed to “all” without reading the fine print. What if “all” exceeds my temporary throw-caution-to-the-wind-to-discover-the-real-me comfort zone? Desire sliced through her as she remembered how good it had felt to feel so out of control and safe at the same time.
She ran her hand over Tony’s chest and followed the trail of hair to his navel. She and Doug had always gotten dressed after sex, perhaps a habit left over from a lack of privacy in college. They’d never slept nude together.
Funny thing to be sad about. I hope he finds someone who shows him all the joys that neither of us thought to try. There was something wonderfully innocent about sleeping together in this natural state. No barriers. Trust in its most elemental form.
I do trust you, Tony. I don’t care what you did, I know you’re a good man. What happened to you? What can’t you forgive yourself for?
She cringed when she remembered how she’d blurted out what had happened to her younger brother. It was something none of her friends knew. No one in her family spoke of it after that summer. Family photos never included Phil, and there were times when she tried to conjure his face and couldn’t. That was when she felt the most guilt, when she could almost forget.
Denial, even when unanimously adopted, never cured—it only hid. And pain that is not faced festers, just as Tony’s had. I was living a lie. I needed to come here to see why I’m so unhappy. I don’t want the perfect life they crafted for me. I don’t want to forget it happened. I want to carry of photo of Phil in my pocket. I want to remember him on his birthdays. I want to apologize to him for not understanding how quickly a life can be lost.
All because I’m a daydreamer with stories in my head as vivid as reality sometimes. Characters who feel like friends. Worlds I build whether I write them down or not. Is that why I couldn’t write? Am I holding myself back because I blame my stories for Phil?
That’s not what he would want.
I’m so sorry, Phil. Sorry that it was you and not me. Sorry that we moved on like you didn’t matter. Sorry that I’m so tired of being sorry.
Some say that nothing is random. People come into our lives for a reason. Maybe Tony and I need to learn the same lesson. He shut himself away from the world so he wouldn’t feel the pain. My family stayed in the world, but locked the pain away.
We’ve all been hiding.
I don’t want to hide anymore.
She would never forget feeling tears on Tony’s cheek. She wanted to hug him again as she remembered how he’d turned away from her, not wanting her to see them. Did he fear she’d think less of him?
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If so, he couldn’t be more wrong.
That glimpse past his tough exterior proved what I’ve been afraid to admit to myself.
I could love this man—no matter how many times he warns me not to.
Tony held himself immobile beneath the soft caress of Sarah’s hand on his chest. As soon as he opened his eyes he’d have to face what he’d prefer to pretend had only been an extension of his reoccurring nightmare. This was the reason he never stayed overnight with a woman.
Women tended to romanticize shit like this. She’d confuse his subconscious weakness with feelings he simply didn’t have. I haven’t felt anything in a long, long time.
Liar, an inner voice countered. His mind spun with pictures of the woman beside him. Sarah smiling at him in just a towel. Sarah laughing up at him in triumph when she’d beaten him in a race. The wonder of watching her orgasm for the first time. The image of her taking him into her mouth on the side of the road, oblivious to everything but them.
That’s just sex.
The best sex I’ve ever had, but not more than that.
Too vividly, he remembered her naked body pressed to his back as she’d wrapped her arms around him after he’d turned away from her. The act had confused and shaken him. He’d wanted to push her away even as he fought the urge to turn around and lose himself in her kisses.
He didn’t want to know about her brother or her past. She was under the misconception that sharing would get him to open up to her. He was angry.
She’s a good fuck, not a therapist. Want to make me feel better? Talk less, suck more.
Cuddled to his side, Sarah kissed his shoulder lightly, and Tony’s dick sprang to life, tenting the sheet. His heart thudded wildly in his chest. I need to regain control of this situation, of myself.
He rolled on top of her, pinning her hands beneath his on either side of her head. Her eyes widened with surprise and pleasure. “I’ve been thinking about how I want to spend the day with you.” He spread her legs beneath him and loved how wet she instantly became against his seeking cock. Her breaths increased as her arousal intensified. He rubbed himself against her outer lips and said, “And none of it includes speaking.”
Sarah opened her mouth to say something and he covered it with one hand. “I’ll tie and gag you if I have to. Or is that what you want? You want me to find some rope and restrain you on this bed? Have you ever done that before, been laid out spread eagle for a man’s pleasure whenever he wanted?” She didn’t try to speak, but they both knew the answer. He kissed her neck and whispered, “Face up or down, both have benefits.” A look of apprehension entered Sarah’s eyes and she shook her head. “You may find that you enjoy it more than you think.”
She shook her head again and he smiled in concession. “Understood.” Those beautiful brown eyes stared up at him, desire overtaking her fear, and he felt bad for teasing her. “I don’t need more than you willingly give, angel. Today is about pleasure, for both of us. That’s why you’re not allowed to speak.”
Her eyes narrowed and he laughed. “Take it or leave it. Stay on my terms, or say the word and I’ll drive you back to the ranch. You can call your boring ex to pick you up.”
Sarah’s chest heaved angrily. Tony was pretty sure those lovely brown eyes cursed at him, but he didn’t care. She wasn’t going anywhere, and they both knew it.
He removed his hand from her mouth. “So, are you staying or going?”
She pressed her lips together angrily, but didn’t say a word.
He rewarded her obedience with a deep kiss and reveled in the heat her anger brought to it. She was on fire beneath him, and he soon lost himself in more than her kiss.
An hour later, Sarah shivered beneath Tony’s finger as it absently traced one of her nipples, marveling at how it hardened and sprang to life for him. She’d had more sex in the past twenty-four hours than she normally had in months, and somehow she was ready for more.
She blushed as she remembered how wantonly, wordlessly, she’d begged him to enter her after a torturous amount of foreplay. His fingers had teased what his mouth had gloriously tasted and suckled later. He’d brought her to a passionate frenzy, then kissed her back and neck while rubbing his rock-hard dick across her clit from behind.
Faced away from him on all fours, she’d lifted her ass for him, opening herself completely to him with a mix of desire and trust. He’d buried one hand in the back of her hair to hold her in place while he’d thrust into her, again and again until they both found release in a glorious explosion of sensation.
They’d collapsed into each other’s arms.
Normally, Sarah would have spoken about something to fill the silence, but she honored their agreement and kept her thoughts to herself. Instead of being awkward, the quiet seemed to extend their intimacy.
Which doesn’t mean I agree with his rule, but I’ll give him his day of silence. It’s better than the alternative: going home.
Besides, he doesn’t fool me.
He doesn’t like to talk because he thinks that he can’t get hurt if he doesn’t let anyone close.
He’s trying to control whatever is between us.
But he can’t any more than I can.
The only disappointment so far was he never got the rope.
She gurgled to hold in a laugh, and he looked down at her in question. She smirked up at him. I’d tell you, but you won’t let me speak.
“There’s food in the kitchen. Go make us breakfast, but stay naked.”
Sarah cocked her head to one side at him. Really? You’re enjoying this a bit too much, buddy.
He slapped her bare rump with a force that made her jump. She met his eyes again and opened her mouth to say something.
His eyes dared her to.
She snapped her mouth shut. I’ll make your damn breakfast, but I’ll also remember this. You’ll be at my mercy one day, and I’ll enjoy every moment of making you pay.
She stood near the bed, stretched her arms out, and arched her back in a yawn and loved how quickly burning desire replaced all smugness in his face. Oh, yeah, you can pretend to be in control all you want, but I know the truth.
She took her time crossing the room to the door, stopping to look over her shoulder at him. He didn’t attempt to hide how aroused he was. She smiled back at him.
Times like this make me wish I knew how to cook.
The kitchen was surprisingly well stocked considering he said he never came here. No, wait. He said he never brought anyone else here. He could come here all the time for all I know. Does he have help cleaning? Buying groceries?
More questions for after the silence game.
Sarah took two pieces of toast and put them in a toaster oven. Who doesn’t have a regular toaster? The dials offered too many choices. Temp. Timer. All levels of toast darkness. I just want to press a lever down and see bread it’s done. She turned the dial for toast halfway and walked to the refrigerator.
In the movies, everyone knew how to whip up sophisticated post-sex omelets. Tony would have to deal with a simpler thanks-for-the-orgasms scrambled eggs. She preheated the pan, searched for a spray can, then settled on a pat of butter to stop the eggs from sticking.
As her confidence grew, Sarah began to hum a pop tune and dance, loving how free and uninhibited she felt. I could get used to cooking naked. This is fun.
She navigated his coffee machine with relative ease, danced her way over to save the slightly burned toast, and hummed her way to the quickly cooking eggs. Crap, my mom always added milk. Is it too late? She poured a bit in the pan and wrinkled her nose as the two didn’t mix.
Oh, well. I’ll drain it.
A hunt through the cabinets below the sink produced a serving tray. Sarah placed two plates of food, some silverware, and two cups of coffee on it. She added a small bit of milk and sugar to hers and hesitated before adding any to his, then smiled mischievously.
I’d ask him how he likes his coffee, but oh, damn, that silence thing again.
She gleefully added three more teaspoons of sugar to his cup. It was difficult not to laugh at his expression when she placed the tray on his lap in the bed. He studied the burnt toast and the watery eggs and demanded, “Did you do this on purpose?”
Sarah pointed to her closed mouth and gave him a sarcastic wish-I-could-tell-you shrug.
He took a sip of the coffee and spit it out, glowering at her.
Oh, poor baby. I guess you don’t like it sweet.
When he put the tray to one side, she stepped away from the bed instinctively and sprinted toward the door. He moved with the swiftness of a hunter and blocked her retreat. He reached out to grab her, but Sarah beat him to the punch and threw herself in his arms, leaving him no choice but to catch her. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled his mouth down to hers. The heat that sprung between them rocked all thought out of her.
He lifted her by the waist and crushed her hungrily against the wall. Without clothing to remove, there was just the instant feel of their mutual excitement. “God,” he said against her neck, “what are you doing to me?”
Sarah silenced his question with another deep kiss and let her actions be her answer. She wrapped her legs around his waist and arched to give him access to all of her, which he quickly and extensively took advantage of.
When he finally rammed inside her it was without comment, control, or a condom. Just when Sarah thought it couldn’t get better, she felt the unobstructed intimacy of him bared, and the heat of his release within her.
He kept pumping after his release so she could have hers and then carried her back to the bed. He sat her on the uncluttered side of the bed and covered his face with his hands. “Tell me you’re on birth control.”
Sarah stood and placed a hand on his tense arm. “I am,” she said softly.
His muscles quivered beneath her touch and he shook his head, fighting some inner demon. “I’m sorry.”
Gentling the Cowboy Page 12
