Dan the Warlord

by Hondo Jinx

  Holly’s smile curled, looking just as wicked as the gargoyle’s. “You may proceed.”

  “What?” Petronia said, looking about with confusion. “Who are you talking to? Oh!” Then she was doing an awkward little dance atop the plinth, the golden chains jangling as she squirmed and pressed her legs together and brushed at her sex. “What is happening?”

  “Clean up every drop, Zamora,” Holly said, and taking Dan by the arm, led him from the hallway.

  He cast one last look over his shoulder. Petronia’s perfect breasts wobbled as an invisible wind rushed past, moaning happily, “Seeeeeeeeed!”

  Holly led Dan past the throne room, which was lit with candles and torches. Across the gigantic room, darkness filled the stone archways.

  “Wait,” he said, feeling a sense of relief. “It’s still night?”

  “Yes,” Holly said. “Though from your perspective, it would be more accurate to say it is night again. You spent the day as a statue. A rather lewd statue seen by many people.”

  Dan grinned, his face going hot again. He certainly had nothing to be ashamed of in terms of anatomy, but it was weird, thinking that people had seen him like that. “Awkward.”

  “Very,” Holly said. “It was a foolish thing, bonding with Petronia, but at least you didn’t set her free.”

  “About that,” he said, remembering the terror he’d felt as dawn had broken, and the wave of numbness had swept over him, almost erasing his consciousness. Almost but not quite. And that, somehow, that whisper of stalled semi-consciousness was worse than pure oblivion. “I am thinking of setting her free.”

  “Of course you are,” Holly said, “which is exactly why Petronia tricked you into fucking her as day broke. She wanted you to empathize with her plight. And now you do. But please remember, husband, no matter how terrible her curse might be, she is still a demon-kissed monster.”

  “But she’s bound to me by marriage and the succubus queen’s decree.”

  “Yes,” Holly said, “but that does not change the bedrock truth. I have no doubt that she will be loyal to you, but she isn’t just some pretty girl with horns and a tail. She’s a gargoyle, and gargoyles have a way of causing trouble.”

  They started down a stairwell, their footfalls echoing dully off the stone walls. “Is that the trouble you mentioned?” he asked.

  “If only,” Holly said with a frown. “No. Since you were indisposed, I attended the day’s ambassadorial meetings on your behalf.”

  “Oh shit,” Dan said. He’d forgotten all about his meetings. Today, he was supposed to have met with three or four emissaries, including—

  “The representative from the Duke of Harrisburg is livid. He refused to meet with me and is still waiting downstairs.”

  Dan groaned. “Still waiting? What the Hades? It’s been hours.”

  Holly nodded grimly. “Nearly ten hours,” she said. “You were supposed to meet him first thing this morning. And apparently, based on his attitude, he is unused to waiting.”

  Dan shrugged, regaining his balance. “Too fucking bad. Look, I’m sorry about messing up your day, and thanks for cleaning up my mess. Really. But if this guy thinks he’s going to march in here and call the shots, he’s got another thing coming. I didn’t want to meet with the duke’s people in the first place.”

  “I remember,” Holly said, “and you might recall my response. You must meet with the duke’s people. If there is a way to avoid war without compromising ourselves, we will reach it only through communication. The Duke of Harrisburg is very powerful. He’s acting on the behalf of the Duke of Philadelphia, so he has bottomless coffers and more resources than he even knows what to do with. From what Briar and Lily tell me, he has fifteen thousand troops in Liberty, and more are marching up the turnpike every day.”

  Dan nodded. The duke was a problem. But something else that Holly had said jabbed him in the ribs. “Hey, um, your brother and sister, they didn’t—”

  “Yes, they saw you,” Holly said. “Lily was the one who discovered you, actually. She doesn’t sleep much.”

  Dan’s face went hot again. “Great,” he said. “That’s not embarrassing. Not at all.”

  “It’s fine,” Holly said. “Briar was offended, of course, on a number of counts, mostly because your actions showed impulsivity and poor judgment.”

  “Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Dan said. “No offense, but I don’t give a shit what your brother thinks of me.”

  “It’s not what he thinks that’s a problem, Dan. It’s what he says and does. I can’t have the two of you fighting, okay? I heard about you demanding his respect when he first arrived, and I’m fine with that, but you really fucked up with Petronia, so you know he’s going to say something.”

  “He’d better keep his mouth shut,” Dan said. “This isn’t the grove. It’s my home.”

  “Correction,” Holly said. “It’s our home. And Briar is my brother. That doesn’t give him the right to say anything he wants, but like I said, you really fucked up. You didn’t just put yourself on display. You also missed the feast honoring Briar, Lily, and the grove. That might not seem like a big deal to you, but my brother is a stickler for tradition. In that way, he is very much my father’s son.”

  “Sorry,” Dan said, and meant it. Briar could shove his precious traditions straight up his ass, but Dan was sorry that he had pissed off the guy and left Holly to deal with the situation. “But like you said, my fuck-up doesn’t give him the right to say whatever he wants.”

  “No,” she said, “and I’ve talked to him about that. But I’m asking you, as a favor to me, try to keep a cool head. If he steps out of line, please don’t overreact.”

  “If you’re afraid that he’s going to kick my ass again,” Dan started.

  “No,” Holly said. “That’s not it. I just—it’s important to me that you and my family get along. I love you and Nadia and Ula, and I’m happy in so many ways, but it’s been awful, being the only grey elf here at Teel Elan, surrounded by thousands of red elves. Every time I pass that grand tapestry of theirs, I shudder at the sight of Mooret and the Subjugation.”

  “I know,” Dan said, and he stopped to give her a hug.

  They had reached the bottom floor. From here, they would cross the courtyard to where the ambassador from the Duke of Harrisburg would be waiting. Before he dealt with that asshole, however, Dan wanted to make things right with his wife.

  “Having my family and other grey elves here has been wonderful,” Holly said. “Like a warm spring day in the midst of a bitter winter. Please don’t do anything that will make my family reject me. My father values Briar’s opinion, as does the rest of the grove. I can’t bear the thought of spending the rest of my days here, hundreds of miles from the nearest grey elf, exiled from my family and surrounded by the descendants of those who murdered my ancestors.”

  “All right,” Dan said. “I get it. And I’ll do my best. If he starts talking shit, I’ll try to keep my cool.”

  “Thank you,” she said, and popped onto her toes to give him a kiss. It started as a quick peck but tumbled into a passionate exchange. Stepping back, Holly grinned. “I have a confession.”

  “What’s that?”

  “It turned me on.”

  “What turned you on?”

  “You know.”

  “The kiss? Me, too. In fact, if you want—”

  “No, silly,” she laughed. “Not the kiss. Seeing you, frozen like that, with Petronia riding you.”

  “Huh? I thought you were pissed off.”

  “I was pissed off,” Holly said. “It was a pain in the ass, dealing with my brother and all of the ambassadors, especially the duke’s emissary. But I was turned on, too. You looked so hot like that, ready to cum with that beautiful monster girl riding high on your huge cock so that the rest of it was exposed.”

  “Yeah,” Dan said. “About that, why didn’t you move us to a side room or throw a blanket over me or something?”

  Holly bit her lip and shoo
k her head. “It was a huge turn on, knowing that so many people were seeing you like that. It shamed and excited me, made me feel cheap and dirty and proud all at the same time because I knew that every woman who passed the statue grew wet at the sight of your big dick.”

  Dan laughed. “You are seriously a crazy elf, have I ever told you that before?”

  “Only about a million times,” Holly said. “Speaking of crazy elves, I want you to do something for me.”

  “What, give it to Petronia again at the break of dawn?”

  “No,” Holly said. “Once was enough. Now everyone knows what you’re carrying in your pants and what I get to play with every night.”

  “What do you want, then?”

  “I want you to marry my sister.”

  Dan coughed with surprise. “What?”

  Holly grinned. “You heard me, Dan. I want you to marry Lily. If you don’t, Briar will take her back to the grove, and we might not see her again for years, maybe even decades.”

  “Decades?” Dan said, and was rocked by the image of Lily showing up far in the future, young as ever, her pretty face trying but not quite managing to hide her horror at the sight of a seventy or eighty-year-old Dan.

  Holly nodded. “Father could easily demand that she dedicate the next thirty or forty years to druidic study. If you want Lily in our lives, it has to be now.”

  “Wow,” Dan said, and paused for a second to think things through.

  Sure, it was weird, talking about marrying his wife’s sister, but he also knew that the practice was common—encouraged, even—among grey elves. And Holly obviously had no problem with Lily joining the harem.

  Nor did Dan.

  Lily was gorgeous and cool, and she got along with everyone. For a second, he remembered Zamora’s wind lifting Lily’s shirt, exposing the underside of his sister-in-law’s perky breasts.

  “Lily’s great,” he said, “but I don’t think she would accept my proposal.”

  Holly laughed. “She’s the one who told me to talk to you, silly!”

  “Wait,” he said, “Lily asked you to tell me to marry her?”

  Holly nodded. “She’s crazy about you, and she loves your wives. She’s excited about Teel Elan and Est eel Est, and she’s dying to explore the valley.”

  Dan felt a grin coming onto his face. Lily wanted to marry him? There wasn’t another person on the planet he’d sooner add to his harem. But then he remembered something. “Wait, did she say all of this before she, um, saw me with Petronia? I mean, talk about a game changer. I doubt she’s going to want anything to do with me now.”

  “Oh, you crazy human,” Holly said, turning the tables on him. “She talked to me after seeing you with Petronia. I mean, she already wanted to marry you, but after seeing that giant rod of yours, how could she resist?”

  Dan laughed. “All right, then. I’d love to marry Lily.”

  “Wonderful,” Holly said, giving him a hug. “And thank you. Now go talk with the ambassador. Be civil. Parus and two of the half-orcs are waiting there with him. And meanwhile, I’m going to go tell Lily the good news.” She clapped her hands, beaming with excitement. “I can’t wait to share you with my sister!”

  7

  The Shot Heard ‘Round the Wildervast

  Dan hated the guy as soon as he saw him sitting at the table with his leather briefcase.

  The emissary from the Duke of Harrisburg was a toad-like, middle-aged, balding man wearing a fancy black suit, gold-rimmed spectacles, and a frown.

  As Dan strode into the room, the diplomat’s frown contracted, puckering up like a constipated asshole.

  Parus nodded at Dan from where he stood against the wall between a pair of Dan’s half-orc mercs. By Parus’s strained expression, Dan could tell that the emissary had been just as difficult as he looked.

  “Dan Marshall of the Free, I presume,” the man said, all snotty. He stared without getting up, looking less like an ambassador and more like a lawyer from Dan’s old world. One of those pit-bull attorneys that prided themselves on raining red hell down on the opposition. Win if you can, lose if you must, but always, always make it hurt.

  And in that second, Dan understood that this meeting was going to be a train wreck. That in mind, there wasn’t much sense in playing nice.

  Dan stopped short of the table. “That’s me. Who are you?”

  The man blinked up at him for a second. “My name is Blivet. I am the official representative of Lord Reginald Harrington, the Duke of Harrisburg.”

  Dan shrugged. “All right. What do you want?”

  The man’s jowls pinkened with annoyance. “An apology, to begin with. We were supposed to meet first thing this morning. You’ve kept me waiting all day.”

  “You should’ve talked to my wife,” Dan said, pulling out the chair across from Blivet. “She speaks with my voice.”

  “The duke sent me to deal with you,” Blivet said, “not your assignees.”

  “Well, I’m here now,” he said, just wanting to get this over with. “Let’s get down to business.”

  “Fine,” Blivet said, pushing the briefcase forward.

  “What’s this?”

  Blivet opened the case, revealing dozens of colorful gems. “Your first payment,” he said, polishing an amber gem with a square of fur. “Ten thousand gold pieces.”

  Dan leaned back in his chair and propped his boots on the table, much to the obvious annoyance of Blivet. “Payment for what?”

  “For your cooperation,” Blivet said. “When spring arrives, the duke will be traversing this valley.”

  Dan laughed. “Oh, is that what he thinks? And what if I don’t agree?”

  Blivet’s mouth puckered again. “Let me be clear. The duke will cross the valley with or without your cooperation. He is being polite.”

  “The man put a bounty on my head,” Dan said. “I don’t call that polite.”

  “Rumors and falsehoods,” Blivet said. “The duke would prefer to work with you, not against you. He recognizes your claim as the ruler of… what’s this place called now? Freedom Valley?”

  Dan just stared at the guy.

  “The duke is prepared to pay you twenty thousand gold pieces if you will help him against the Duke of Pittsburgh. Fifty thousand, if you’ll allow him to use your fortress until the conflict is over.”

  “Keep talking.”

  “Then, once the war is over,” Blivet continued, “he will name you the Lord of Freedom Valley.”

  “I’m already the Warlord of the Wildervast,” Dan said. “Lord of Freedom Valley sounds like a demotion.”

  “Titles are negotiable,” Blivet said. “Whatever the moniker, you will serve as the duke’s ranking officer in this region, and he will provide you with everything you need to oversee the settlement of these lands. Additionally, he will give you a cut of all rents and resource-based transactions.”

  “Such as?”

  “Timber, tilling, perhaps game.”

  Dan laughed. “So his big offer is to demote my title and give me a cut of the profit when he moves settlers onto my land and sells them my stuff? You’re going to have to explain again how this is a good thing for me.”

  Blivet sighed, as if he were tired of humoring a difficult child. “Mr. Marshall, you fail to grasp the reality of your situation. There is nothing you can do to stop the War of the Dukes, just as there is nothing you can do to impede the progress of civilization. The duke is being genial.”

  Dan crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back on the rear legs of his chair. “I’m just a simple barbarian,” he said. “I don’t know that word, genial. But if that’s what the duke’s being, I guess genial means asshole.”

  Again, Blivet’s mouth curdled and his jowls reddened. He leaned over, pulled the briefcase back to him, and snapped its lid shut. “The Duke of Harrisburg will not suffer insults—and certainly not from some lowborn, murdering upstart like you.”

  Dan grinned and settled all four chair legs on the ground. “I
have to say your ambassadorial game is a little disappointing,” he said, and leaned forward, placing his elbows on the table. “But I appreciate the straight talk. So let me return the favor.

  “The duke can’t buy me. I don’t want his money, his friendship, or his fancy titles. And if he enters my valley, he’s going to suffer a lot more than insults.”

  Blivet snorted. “By spring, the duke will have an army of twenty-five thousand soldiers.”

  Dan whistled. “That’s a lot of corpses.” He turned to Parus. “Can we burn that many corpses?”

  Parus nodded. “Yes, Master Dan. We can.”

  “All right, then,” Dan said, standing up. “Saves us the trouble of dumping them into Hell’s Canyon.”

  Blivet also stood. His mouth puckered up tighter than ever. He pushed his spectacles up the bridge of his nose, lifted the case of gems, and shook his head. “It was a mistake, coming here. I tried to explain that to the duke, but he prefers diplomacy over bloodshed. Last chance, Dan Marshall of the Free. Will you reconsider?”

  Dan rubbed his jaw, pretending to think about it. But he’d already thought this through with absolute clarity.

  Fuck this guy. If the duke wanted war, he’d get war.

  This fortress was practically invulnerable. By springtime, Dan would have the Fists of Fury up and running, and Thelia’s apprentices would be full-fledged fire mages. He would rally the barbarian tribes of the valley, and tomorrow, he was meeting a representative of the Jungle Kingdom and would do his best to seal an alliance with the warlike black panthers, across whose kingdom the duke would need to pass just to reach Freedom Valley.

  Moreover, Dan had several thousand would-be soldiers, a shit-ton of magical arrows, and a couple of legitimately badass wives, especially since Holly had found the scroll granting her call earth elemental, manipulate weather, and death whisper.

  The duke wouldn’t know what hit him.

  And with Dan’s marriage to Lily, he could probably expect help from the grove, too.

  So yeah. Fuck the duke. Fuck him all to Hades.

  Blivet was twitchy, waiting for him and muttering quietly.