Dan the Warlord

by Hondo Jinx

  His heartbeat sped up.

  A pleasant heat filled his lungs, and he felt a flutter of concern as his breathing grew rapid and shallow.

  His heart was really hammering now.

  It’s okay, he told himself. Ride it out.

  Painless pressure built in his skull. It felt like his spinal cord was vibrating, and sizzling energy tingled through his entire body, as if microscopic lightning was arcing from his flaming capillaries.

  At the edges of his vision, a fine lace of bright light shimmered.

  Clarissa moaned softly as she mouthed him.

  He felt hands touch him. Hands gripping his shoulders, running through his hair, kneading the back of his neck.

  Thelia leaned close beside him, biting her lip and staring down into his lap, her eyes blazing with arousal.

  “Oh,” Tatiana gasped. Her black tail twitching back and forth like that of a kitten ready to pounce. “It’s hideous. It’s… gargantuan.”

  Beyond the panther lady, Petronia was a study in lust. The lewd gargoyle’s perfect gray body shone glossily as she swayed back and forth, staring hungrily between his legs and masturbating feverishly, making her golden chains jangle.

  Then he looked down and understood. Perhaps the healing magic had distracted him. Or maybe he’d been distracted by his sprinting heart and panting lungs.

  Whatever the case, looking now, he felt foolish for not having noticed what was happening down there.

  Envenomed erections are superlative in size and rigidity, Clarissa’s voice echoed in his mind.

  She hadn’t been kidding. At all.

  His wang was half again its normal length and girth, dark purple, and extremely vascular, like a bruise-colored silo wrapped in thick, pulsing vines.

  “Uh,” Dan said, trying to make sense of the huge thing jutting up from his lap, “is that going to be, you know, okay?”

  Clarissa pulled her head up from between his legs. “Yes,” she gasped. Her breasts heaved, flushed with color and shiny with perspiration. Her fangs were stained crimson, but she licked this away with a quick swipe of her tongue and shut her pretty mouth in a smile.

  “Yes,” she said again, leaning back on her arms and letting her head loll backward, thrusting her breasts upward and exposing her long throat. “There is nothing to fear. The swelling will subside in a few hours. Perhaps sooner if you ejaculate several times.”

  “Sounds like a plan,” Nadia said, and started peeling out of her bodysuit. “I mean, since you already have your pants off and all. But don’t even think about jamming that whole thing into me, lover boy. Even your alpha female has her limits.”

  “I will take it all!” Petronia howled.

  “Yes!” Zamora cried. “As will I!”

  “As will I,” Thelia said, her voice trembling. “Ever inch.”

  “I call bullshit on that, girlfriend,” Nadia said. “That thing’s bigger than your leg.”

  “As first wife,” Holly said, doing her best to maintain her regal bearing and almost but not quite managing to disguise a quiver of desire, “it is my right—no, my duty—to lead the way and help our husband relieve his swelling.”

  Dan laughed. “Did you just call dibs on my dick?”

  “Greedy elf,” Nadia laughed. His werewolf wife had already stripped to the waist and was now helping Holly out of her purple cloak. “There’s enough for all of us.”

  “Perhaps,” Holly said, “but you will all watch me first. Before we begin, husband, how is your wound?”

  “I feel good,” Dan said, and peeled off his shirt to examine the wound.

  No shit…

  Miraculously, the mass of scorched and melted tissue where the bolt had struck him had smoothed to a patch of pink scar tissue on his chest. “Wow. Clarissa, you’re awesome.”

  “Thank you, husband,” the serpent girl said, still panting softly. “Please forgive me if I’m being presumptuous, but a bead of essence glistens atop your swollen glans like a dewdrop shining upon a purple stone. Please, husband, may I taste you? Please,” she begged, and he realized that she was trembling now. “Please, husband. Yes? Just one quick swipe of my tongue. Please.”

  Dan glanced down at the sparkling bead of pre-cum and shrugged. “Sure.”

  “Thank you, husband,” Clarissa said with a shudder. She lowered her head until her lips were almost touching his erection. For a second, she just stared, breathing him in. Then she extended her tongue and swept it slowly across his swollen tip. Whimpering softly, she curled her tongue back into her mouth. A strand of glistening pre-cum stretched from his erection to her pretty lips.

  Clarissa swept her fingertips across his swollen head, scooped up the shining strand, and tucked her glistening fingers into her mouth with a low moan. A second later, his serpentine wife’s beautiful face twisted into a grimace. “Oh,” she said—and then cried out, “Ohhhh!” as she collapsed to the floor at his feet, convulsing with an unmistakably powerful orgasm.

  Everyone was silent for several seconds as the lovely naga-lamia-snake-girl bucked and shuddered, hissing with pleasure.

  Nadia was the first to speak. “Not gonna lie. That was kinda hot. Let’s get this party started!”

  It was crazy, Dan knew, diving into an orgy when he’d narrowly escaped an assassination attempt just hours before, but what the Hades? What better way to celebrate being alive?

  Grinning at Tatiana, who was biting her lip now and squirming like she had ants in her harem pants, he said, “What do you say, Princess? Ready to try a different kind of sparring?”

  “Don’t call me that,” Tatiana said in a breathy, mesmerized whisper. “I—”

  A loud commotion in the hall interrupted the she-panther, and they all turned as the doors banged open and angry shouting filled the throne room.

  9

  The Ultimatum

  “You incompetent piece of shit!” Briar shouted, storming across the high-vaulted room. “What the Hades are you doing?”

  Lily followed, hissing at Briar in Elvish. Dan didn’t understand the language, but Lily was clearly embarrassed and doing her best to stop Briar from making a scene.

  An icy calm settled over Dan. For a second, he said nothing. Then, pulling up his pants, he nodded toward the mostly naked women around him and said, “What’s it look like I’m doing?”

  Reaching the dais, Briar glared up at Dan. “The Duke of fucking Harrisburg sends an assassin into your home, nearly kills you, and you decide it’s a good time for an orgy?”

  Dan scratched his jaw. “Hmm. Is there ever really a bad time for an orgy?”

  He laid a hand on Holly’s naked hip and gave Briar a +10 shit-eating grin. This wasn’t the grove. It was Dan’s fortress, his throne room, his throne for fuck’s sake, and he wasn’t going to sit here and take his brother-in-law’s shit.

  Briar’s fine-boned face turned crimson with rage. “Has it even occurred to you that the assassin might this very second be here within the walls of Teel Elan, waiting to strike?”

  “This is not Teel Elan,” Thelia said. Like Holly, the tiny red elf had stripped to the waist, and her perfect red globes heaved with emotion.

  “Silence, red witch!” Briar said, “Or I’ll—”

  “No!” Dan’s voice boomed like thunder across the cavernous room. “I have tolerated your insults against me, even within my own walls, but let this be a warning: if you say another word about my wife—about any of my wives—you will pay in blood.”

  Behind Briar, people were flooding into the throne room, drawn by the shouting. Red elves and grey elves eyed one another anxiously, ready for shit to pop off.

  Briar chuckled with amusement. “Don’t speak to me of toleration, savage. Have you so quickly forgotten the lesson I taught you in the grove? Imagine my perspective. I come here, to the ancestral home of my people, a legendary place of power, and find you—you, of all people, the pup I spanked, sitting upon the throne? And I am supposed to tolerate this, to hold my tongue, to show you respect a
s you put my family in danger?”

  “Briar, stop!” Lily demanded, grabbing his elbow.

  Briar shook his arm free and barked vicious laughter. “What kind of a fool trusts an ambassador from the Duke of Harrisburg? And now, instead of securing the fortress and preparing for war, you’re going to rut like a beast? You don’t belong on a throne, you belong in a kennel. It was bad enough that you somehow tricked one of my sisters into marrying you. I forbid you to marry Lily, and that is final!”

  “Not your choice,” Dan said. He turned to Holly. “He can’t stop the wedding, right?”

  “No, husband,” Holly said. She, too, seemed to be frosted over with an icy calm.

  “Good,” Dan said. “Lily, I apologize for the strange circumstances, but let’s make this official. Will you marry me?”

  Lily frowned up at him. “You know I will, Dan, but please, let’s just stop this bullshit before someone gets hurt.”

  Dan shrugged. “That’s fine by me. Truly. I just want—”

  “Before someone gets hurt?” Briar sneered. “Someone? Let us speak plainly, sweet sister. I am in no danger here. This savage tried his hardest to hurt me once, and I toyed with him. He is no warrior, and he certainly does not belong on the throne of Teel Elan.”

  “This is not Teel Elan,” Thelia said again, her voice a low growl this time.

  Briar whirled on the little red elf. “I told you to shut your mouth, bitch!”

  Dan leapt from the throne, landed directly in front of Briar, and gave the elf a hard shove.

  Briar flew several feet through the air, hit the floor, and slid across the tiles.

  “I warned you,” Dan said. “Now you’ll pay in blood.”

  Briar popped to his feet and yanked his glowing sword free of its bejeweled scabbard. “How dare you shove me, savage?”

  Dan laughed. “What are you going to do, cut down an unarmed man? Is that your idea of honor?”

  “Honor?” Briar laughed. “The savage idiot speaks of honor!” He took a step forward, slicing the air with his shining blade.

  Then he stumbled backward, hollering with surprise, retreating from the wall of flames that burst to life in front of him.

  Everyone was shouting.

  Thelia’s calm, quiet voice cut through the clamor. “Husband, please allow me to incinerate this disrespectful grey elf,” the True Matriarch said, smiling wickedly. Her eyes blazed, and a corona of fire engulfed her head.

  “No,” Dan said, finally standing. “I’m sure that Holly and Lily would prefer that I spare him.”

  The flames vanished.

  “Are you going to hide behind your fire witch?” Briar asked, carving the air with his enchanted blade. “Or are you going to fill your hand with steel like a man?”

  Dan’s inner barbarian wanted to call for a blade and butcher this cocky bastard, but that was exactly the sort of dumbass, emotional bullshit that had gotten him into trouble back in the grove.

  Since that disaster, Dan had killed hundreds of enemies and leveled up several times, but that didn’t mean that he could beat Briar anywhere, anytime, under any conditions. He had learned his lesson, and he would not allow this combative asshole to dictate terms.

  Dan shook his head. “That’s not going to happen. If I kill you, your sisters will be pissed off at me for a decade. Tell you what, esteemed brother,” he said, cranking the sarcasm to ten, “What do you say we fight with your toy swords again?”

  Briar laughed. “You’re not just stupid. You’re suicidal. Bring me a sparring sword, and I’ll happily beat you into submission again.”

  “You’ll have your toy sword,” Dan said, “but this time, we really fight. None of your pansy-ass rules or armor. Punching, kicking, grappling, biting—it’s all on the table until one man surrenders or can’t continue.”

  “Ha!” Briar exclaimed. “Without armor, I’ll be even faster, you fool. Call for the swords—and call for your people. This time, I’ll unman you in front of everyone and glorify the grey elves of Teel Elan!”

  “One more thing,” Dan said, and gestured toward the balcony. “We’ll fight out there, on the balcony overlooking Freedom Valley.”

  He was confident that he could beat Briar without the power of wind coursing through him, and honestly, part of him wanted to put that confidence to the test, to prove to himself that he could whip his brother-in-law with no supernatural power bonus.

  But that was pride and foolishness, an urge leftover from the old world, from his days as a gamer. Here, that sort of thinking got you killed. Here, if you had an advantage, you used it. Period. And to Hades with ego. In this world, pride whispered sweetly in your ear then fucked you in the ass and slit your throat.

  “Fine!” Briar said. “Enough talk. Let us fight!”

  10

  Payback’s a Bitch

  Ten minutes later, Dan and Briar stood in the windy, moonlit night, facing each other at the center of the torchlit balcony. Hundreds of spectators stared out of the throne room archways.

  As the spectators assembled, a fight had almost broken out between Moro, who had clearly been taking lessons from Briar on how to be a cocky asshole, and Parus, who was just as clearly sick of the young grey elf’s shit, but Dan had shouted them down. There would be only one fight tonight.

  Everyone, including his wives, was shouting.

  Dan blocked them all out. His first fight with Briar had gotten off to a very rough start because he’d allowed himself to get distracted.

  Not tonight. Tonight, he was focused solely on his opponent—or more specifically, on crushing his opponent.

  “Fight!” Estus shouted.

  Briar closed the gap with lightning speed—just as Dan expected.

  The wooden swords cracked against each other, and the opponents stepped apart.

  “Ah,” Briar said, “so you’ve actually learned to block, eh?”

  Dan didn’t waste breath on a response. Instead, he shuffled forward, taking short steps and staying up on the balls of his feet, ready to strike or parry. He grinned, feeling the power of the wind already swirling to life inside him.

  Briar danced around him, flicking with the wooden sword, feinting, studying Dan’s reactions, looking to create an opening.

  Dan gave him nothing. He didn’t flinch, didn’t reach out to block the short shots, just kept shuffling forward, inching steadily closer.

  When Briar moved laterally, Dan stepped in that direction, going wide, cutting off the elf’s retreat and forcing him to change directions.

  Briar slashed at Dan’s thigh.

  Dan moved to block the attack then grunted when Briar twisted, turning the slash into a corkscrew thrust that punched Dan in the chest.

  The fucker was fast. Faster than Tatiana, even, and certainly faster than Dan.

  But timing beat speed.

  And when Briar next attacked, surging in with half a dozen slashing strokes, Dan blocked them all—and blasted Briar in the chest with a thumping right hand.

  Briar reeled backwards, arms pinwheeling.

  Dan saw the opening, but the power of the wind was roaring up inside him now, so instead of attacking, he just grinned and walked toward his brother-in-law.

  Briar regained his balance and fell into a fighting stance, looking pissed off.

  Good, Dan thought. Get angry.

  Cursing in Elvish, Briar jabbed with his sword, trying to keep Dan at a distance.

  Dan parried the thrust easily and kept walking him down.

  Briar jabbed again—and then surprised Dan with a leg kick.

  Dan’s muscular thigh absorbed the shot without the slightest wobble, and he launched his first real attack, swinging hard and low at Briar’s midsection in what on the battlefield would have been a disemboweling attack.

  Briar leapt clear of the shot, just as Dan had anticipated—and Dan surged forward, switching the tempo completely, charging like a true barbarian, hacking and slashing and roaring like a hurricane.

  Briar respo
nded like the expert swordsman he was, blocking and parrying and slipping attacks, no doubt expecting to counterattack as he had in the grove.

  But Dan had changed. This wasn’t one of those sloppy charges he’d launched out of desperation during their first fight. Tonight, his every move was composed and controlled. Even his barbaric bellow was calculated—one-part showmanship for the crowd and one-part psychological warfare aimed directly at Briar’s pride.

  Because Dan’s barbaric cry embodied the traits Briar most resented in him. His impulsivity, unbridled aggression, and lack of formal training. To a haughty grey elf like Briar, these traits bespoke Dan’s low birth and stood as further proof of elven superiority over the human race.

  To Briar, humans were loud and stupid, a race of overgrown toddlers who roared through life breaking things then growing old and dying before they ever had a chance to learn anything of value.

  So yes, Dan gave a primal roar as he attacked because he wanted to trigger all of this contempt and loathing in his opponent, wanted these elitist notions fresh in Briar’s mind as the grey elf realized the horrible truth that he was about to have his skinny ass handed to him by a barbaric, bellowing human.

  Dan continued to rain down heavy blows, forcing Briar to block and backpedal.

  In this way, Dan kept the tempo, never giving Briar a chance to counterattack. He was much stronger than he had been during the first fight and brimming with the power of the wind, which howled across the balcony now like an arena full of bloodthirsty spectators.

  He pressed the fight in a steady stream of short, fast strikes until at last his unrelenting attack served its purpose.

  Briar blocked the heavy strike but had to lean back to keep his balance.

  Dan felt the shift and pounced, delivering the same overhand blow again and again with bewildering speed, locking Briar into a defensive loop that allowed zero deviation. All Briar could do now was block the next shot. Over and over and over.

  With fancy footwork and sneaky swordplay eliminated from the equation, the fight shifted, and other factors—size, strength, and endurance chief among them—swelled in importance.