The old guilt eats away mercilessly at me.
I hold my head in my hands. God, the past is still so alive in my head. It is ugly and no matter how hard I try I can’t get away from it. Three years ago, as I was about to enter a restaurant an old gypsy woman on the sidewalk grabbed my hand. “Buy a flower from me. For good luck,” she crowed. I wanted to push her grubby hand away, but I was mesmerized. It was like looking into my mother’s eyes again. I pushed a couple of hundred pound notes towards her. She held out the flower. “You become the thing you fight,” she warned. I didn’t take the flower. But she was right. I’ve fought with the past for so long it now lives inside me.
I walk to the window and look out into the darkness. The image of Liliana comes into my mind. I think of the uncontrollable way my body reacts to her, and the way I fell so peacefully asleep in her arms. It was the best night I can remember having. I remember the way she had broken apart under me. She didn’t hold back. She welcomed me into her body and let me have it all.
She loved it.
But the plan was to torture her as I fucked her. To make her as miserable as I am. And for her to hate every moment of her punishment, and even for myself. I didn’t want to get anything out of it but the satisfaction of revenge. The ability to know it is done and walk away a free man. Leave the past behind. Instead, we found indescribable bliss in each other’s bodies. In those moments it renders my years of hatred completely pointless.
Chapter Seventeen
Brand
I walk into the house just a little past midnight to the sound of laughter. It startles me so much I instantly freeze on the spot. I have never heard laughter in this house before. The voices keep speaking and I immediately recognize them to be Lindy and Liliana.
What the fuck?
With a frown I head towards the kitchen and push open the door. The sight that greets me is one of such domestic bliss that it steals my breath away. If only such a thing was truly possible for me. I have interrupted Liliana and Lindy while they are busy decorating a cake.
My eyes zero in on Liliana. She is wearing one of Lindy’s aprons, her cheeks are pink with the heat from the oven, and there is flour or icing sugar on one of them. Her mouth is as red as the strawberries they are using to decorate the frosted cake. At the chill in my eyes the smile disappears from her face.
“Brand,” Lindy calls, and I am forced to drag my gaze away from Liliana’s.
She smiles uncertainly. “I’ve made Lancashire hotpot and added extra peppers for you.”
“Thank you.” I turn towards Liliana again and my voice immediately hardens. “Can I see you for a moment in my study?”
Liliana and Lindy exchange a look before Liliana wipes her hand on a cloth, removes her apron and puts it on the counter, before walking up to me. Shit, she is wearing one of the dresses I ordered for her and the way her hot curves fill it make my eyes water.
I hold the door open for her and she goes through it. We walk in silence down empty corridors. I want to look at her, but I don’t let myself. I open my study door and I see her swallow before she walks into the lion’s den. I close the door and lean against it. I watch her buttocks move through the thin material of her dress as she walks on ahead.
She stops in the middle of the room, turns towards me and gazes directly into my eyes, and even though she is trying to act confident, I can see uncertainty in her face. She doesn’t know what I want or how she should act.
A weird thing happens at that moment, I suddenly realize that I am afraid of her. Of her power over me. And that infuriates me. I am the powerful one here, not her. She is my prey. I can do anything I want to her. I can make her suck my cock right now if I so desire it.
“What have I done wrong now?” she asks quietly. She is calm, but I am not. This is not at all how I planned it. I am supposed to be the one with all the control and she is the one who is supposed to be helplessly at my mercy.
“How dare you laugh?” I ask furiously.
She blinks in surprise.
“Is this a guest house to you? Do you think you’re on vacation? Sitting in the kitchen laughing and joking with my staff.”
I see her eyes flash with temper. Good. She should be angry too. Because I fucking am. “Vacation? Are you kidding me?”
“Who fucking let you out of your room?”
She lifts her chin proudly. “Lindy invited me to help her out. If you don’t want it to happen then you should speak to her.”
All I can think about as I watch her is just how beautiful she is, and it causes my temper to rise even more at my lack of self-control. Our night together comes back, and instantly sends a painful shot of arousal straight to my groin that steals my breath.
“You want to hurt me,” she says. “Fine, but first, I need you to finish the story you started. What happened to you and your family after you left my home that day? Tell me about your mother.”
My hands clench painfully into fists by my side. There she goes again. Taking the initiative. Who the fuck gave her the impression she could demand anything? She is my prisoner.
She shifts her weight from one leg to the other. “Mrs. Parks told me a bit about—”
“Shut the bloody hell up!” I roar, my heart pounding within my chest. I do not even know when I move but in an instant I am on her, my hands gripping her waist as I rush her backwards and slam her against the wall behind her.
She cries out at the pain, and her hands pull at my wrist to loosen my hold. She claws at my flesh, and when I refuse to set her free, she strikes a bloody slap across my face. It barely registers.
“You do not have the right to ask me about anything,” I say between gritted teeth. “Don’t ever dare talk about my mother again. Do you understand me?”
She takes a deep breath and nods.
Chapter Eighteen
Brand
9 years ago
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rPab0qMd-V4
My father was furious with me in the truck. He kept taking his hand of the steering wheel to take a swipe at my head. I stared straight ahead. I didn’t care if he was angry. Liliana Eden was mine. All mine. One day I intended to marry that girl.
“I cannot believe I sired such a dolt. Look at you. Who the feck do ya think ya are? Kissing Jake Eden’s daughter. Do you know who he is?”
I didn’t say anything. He wouldn’t understand.
“I’m talking to you. Answer me, boy.”
I turned to face my father. “Yeah, I know he is rich, Da, but I can be rich one day too.”
My father got so angry his eyes almost popped out of his head. The truck swerved and someone blew their horn at him. He hung his head out of his car and turned the air blue with curses. They shot past him in fear.
“He’s not rich. He’s filthy rich, and he’s also a cold-blooded killer.”
I stared at my father in a mixture of confusion and suspicion. Was he just saying that because he wanted me to stay away from Mr. Eden’s daughter? “You’re lying. Mr. Eden is a businessman.”
My father sneered. “So now you think you’re so grown up you know better than me, eh? Let me tell you, you little upstart. Once that businessman was known as Crystal Jake the ruthless gangster and smuggler. When he was your age he was already tying rocks to men’s feet and throwing them into the Thames. All of North London belonged to him for ten years. He was so ferocious no one dared to challenge him. He was gunning for the West too, when he met his woman. He gave it up then and went legit, but a leopard never changes its spots. He would slit your throat without a second thought before he’d let you lay one dirty finger on his daughter. She is his favorite. Do ya get what I’m saying, boy?”
All this was news to me. Jake Eden a gangster? I thought of his eyes, how cold and utterly without emotion they had been when he came to tell my father what I had done to his daughter. I realized my da was not lying, but it didn’t change a thing. “I’ll take my chances,” I insisted stubbornly.
“Jesus fucking Ch
rist. Are you the most pig-headed fool in the universe, or am I talking to a two block of wood held together with one nail here?”
“Da, I’m gonna marry that girl. You’ll see.”
My father swallowed with rage. One of his hands left the steering wheel and shots straight for my head. He boxed my ear so hard I heard a ringing in my head. “Any more talk like that I swear I’ll kill ya, myself.”
I said nothing. Just stared straight ahead. As soon as the truck hit the gravel of the road where our caravan was parked, I opened the door, and jumped out, rolling to break my fall. I could hear my father shouting curses at me. I stood up and dusted myself off. I saw my mother open our caravan door.
“What’s going on?” she shouted.
My father parked the truck and made his way towards me. I stood my ground. He grabbed me by the neck and forced me back to our little home.
“What’s going on?” Ma asked worriedly.
“This boy of yours went and kissed Jake Eden’s eldest daughter.” He shook his head with disgust. “Better yet, the fool thinks he’s got a shot at making her his bride.”
Ma’s eyes widened with astonishment. She quickly took a step backwards to let us come into the caravan. Her smooth forehead was creased with frown lines. The caravan always felt too small with both my da and I in it, but today it seemed even more cramped. I felt like breaking a window, or running away and not coming back until I had achieved my goal of making Liliana Eden mine.
My father released my neck and looked at me sternly. His black eyes shot sparks of anger. I know he was trying to protect me, but it was not necessary. I had it all worked out. I could take care of myself. I would get a proper job, I would save and when I had enough, I would run away with Liliana. No one would be able to find us. We’d just be happy together, then when she became heavy with child, her father would have no choice but to forgive us and accept us into his family.
“Is this true?” Ma asked softly.
“Yes,” I shouted defiantly. “I love her and I’m gonna marry her, Ma.”
My mother stepped forward, both her hands clasped together, “Oh, Brand darling, you can’t marry the Eden girl. She’s not like us. We’re poor folk, definitely not good enough for the likes of her family. Her father will never allow it.”
“Yes, tell this blind fool how it is.” He turned towards me, his face sneering. “Anyway, I don’t know how you plan to marry her, when she doesn’t even like you. Tell your ma what she did when you kissed her?”
Ma’s eyes widened with surprise and bewilderment, but she turned to Da and defended me loyally. “Can you give your boy a break? He’s just a kid. He doesn’t understand. Surely you know what first love feels like.”
“First love?” my father jeered. “A fecking disgrace is what it is.”
I clenched my jaw. He would never understand. No one would. Not even Ma.
My father starting laughing cruelly. “What’s the matter? Where’s all your big talk now, you big stupid wildebeest, eh?”
“Is someone going to tell me what happened?” Ma asked.
“This fool kissed and she ran off crying to her da. He rushed over to me, his face like thunder, and told me to take my son and feck off his land. And never come back.” He shook his head regretfully. “The shame. That was a good job too. Jake Eden always paid well.”
“I can go and talk to him,” I said proudly. “I can tell him that you’re not responsible for my actions.”
“Oh, listen to him, Ma. Little upstart thinks he’s a big man now.” He turned to me, and for the first time I saw that he was truly furious. “You dare step one foot on that man’s land again and I’ll cut it off with my own damn saw. The shame of it. I swear it, Brand, you won’t bring shame to this family by going there and begging for any crumbs off his table. You’ll forget you ever saw that girl, you hear me, boy?”
“No,” I said clearly.
“What did you say?” he bellowed
“I won’t forget her, Da. I’m gonna marry her.”
My father lunged towards me to hit me, and at the same time my mother ran in front of me, yelling “Don’t.”
My father’s blow caught her on the side of her forehead. It should have been nothing. If it had reached me, it would have hurt less than the one he gave me in the truck, but the force of his blow made my tiny mother fly into the air. Her scream started and ended when she hit her head on the edge of the stove. Then she fell face down on the kitchen floor. And remained unmoving.
For a few seconds neither my father or me moved. We were too stunned. Too amazed to comprehend the situation. Then my father staggered forward and fell next to her. He turned her over. There was no blood, no real indication that it was serious. He stroked her face, he touched her closed eyelids, he kissed her unresponsive lips again and again. He called her name, he shook her, he cried, he howled, but she never woke up again.
Her neck was broken high up on her spinal column. Later I would find out that the freak accident had caused an internal decapitation.
In that one crazy instant, she went away from us. Forever.
Chapter Nineteen
Liliana
At my silent nod, Brand lets go of me. Any arousal I saw when I first came into the room is gone from his cold black eyes. He looks down at me with disgust.
“Take your clothes off. I want to fuck you again.”
I know what he is doing. He is trying to humiliate me, but I won’t let him. Brand Vaughan is not going to intimidate me any further. I am certain that he is unwilling to kill me, at least for now, so I have to do my best to stand up to him, and find a way to resolve his grudge. This might be the only way I walk out of this nightmare. I lick my dry lips. “Yes, we can … do it again, if you want, but we have to use condoms from now on.”
His eyes fill with real amusement. It makes him look even more attractive. “I went in bare the last time … and I think I liked that very fucking much.”
I square my shoulders. “I don’t want to get pregnant.”
“Bit late to be worrying about that, don’t you think? You might already be carrying my bastard child.”
“I took a morning after pill after the last time. I asked Mrs. Parks to get it for me.”
He cocks his head and contemplates me. “Mmm … it’s an interesting idea to see your belly growing big with my seed. It will be the perfect punishment. You’ll stay with me until you give birth, and then I’ll keep the child and send you back to your da.”
“I’d rather die than bring a child into this world so it can suffer with a monster like you. We had an agreement. You can have my body, but not children.”
He laughs mockingly. “My, my, it was actually a repugnant idea, but the more you reveal how much you hate the thought the more attractive it becomes.”
“This is non-negotiable. I don’t think a child should be conceived in such an ire of hatred.”
“Actually, I agree with you. You can have your bloody condoms.”
I exhale with sheer relief. “Thank you. There is one more thing.”
He raises an enquiring eyebrow.
“I need to speak to my mother. She is very delicate, and I want to talk to her and reassure her that I’m fine.” My words were rushed in my eagerness to impress upon him how important it is that I am allowed to speak to her.
His eyes show no emotion. “There you go again making all kinds of demands. Spoilt little Liliana. Give her an inch and she wants a mile.”
I panic. I never thought he would say no to this request. “Please. I won’t ask for anything else. I just want to reassure my poor mother.”
“No,” he says shortly.
I stare at him in horror. “Why? Why do you have to hurt her? She has never done anything to you.”
“Because it hurts you when I hurt her.”
In that moment I forget everything Mrs. Parks told me. Any feeling of pity or empathy is gone, and I wonder how it is possible for anyone to hate another human being so much. I forget about
being calm and negotiating and just lash out. “You’re so angry with the whole world because you had to suffer, but the problem is not the world. It is you. You are the problem. YOU. You are a selfish pig who thinks the whole world owes you something. So I ran and told my father about the kiss, and I’m really sorry something bad happened to your family as a result, but that’s just life. Bad things happen. Other people get over it. Maybe you should try it instead of living inside all this fake drama.”
I know I have touched a nerve because his eyes glitter with fury. His fingers dig brutally into the flesh of my arm as he drags me along. I am literally pushed into my room and the door bangs shut behind me. I totter and fall to the ground. The sound of the lock is loud. Then I hear him speak on his cellphone and the words he says shock me so much I freeze.
“Send me Eden’s location,” he snaps.
Fear grips my heart. Jesus Christ, what have I done? What is he going to do? The fear threatens to suffocate me. I rush to the door and bang on it, calling for him, calling for Mrs. Parks, but I know that it is fruitless. He won’t open the door, and she won’t be able to hear me. Even if she does she will be too conflicted by her loyalty to the monster who has become her son, to answer.
The door is a solid oak monstrosity, and at least a century old: thick, and impervious, it almost drives me to madness with frustration, but still, I cannot stop. I cannot give up. I have to do everything I can to help my dad. I continue to pound on the door, my legs flailing out to kick at it violently until my knuckles are bleeding and my foot swollen from the kicks. Only when my toe is finally injured that I limp away to settle back on the floor.
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