“Then I see the girls at breakfast, matching the faces to the cries. There’s one, the most regular, a ‘writer’ for fashion magazines, with this puff of screwed-up blond hair. She wears mules and a red satin dressing gown, which falls open as I am about to penetrate my egg. For one kiss from such a chick you would flood St. Mark’s or burn a hundred Vermeers, if there are a hundred. This,” he said, finally, “is a kind of hell, even for a mature man like me, used to taking the blows and carrying on like a true soldier of the arts.”
“I can see that.”
He said with comical pretentiousness, as though he were me, with a patient, “What does it make you feel?”
“It makes me laugh my head off.”
“I read these contemporary books to see what’s happening. I wouldn’t dream of buying them, the publishers send them over, and they’re full of people sexing. These are irregular pleasures, my friend, involving she-men, stuff like that, and people wee-weeing on one another or wearing military fatigues, pretending to be Serb fighters, and worse. You wouldn’t believe what people are up to out there. But are they really? Not that you would let on.”
“They are, they truly are.” I giggled.
“Oh, Jesus. What I want,” he said, “is some dope. I used to smoke cigarettes but gave up. My pleasures disappeared with my vices. I can’t sleep and I’m sick of the pills. Can you score for me?”
“Henry, I don’t need to become a dealer right now. I have a job.”
“I know, I know…But—”
I smiled and said, “Come on. Let’s stroll.”
We walked up the street together, him a head taller than me and a third wider. I was as neat as a clerk, with short, spiky hair; I usually wore a shirt with a collar, and a jacket. He was shambling, with his tee-shirt too big: he seemed untucked everywhere. As he went, bits seemed to fall from him. He wore shoes without socks, but not shorts, not today. With his arms full of books, Bosnian novelists, the notebooks of Polish theatre directors, American poets and newspapers bought on Holland Park Avenue—Le Monde, Corriere della Sera, El País—he was returning to his flat by the river.
Carrying his own atmosphere with him, Henry swung around the neighbourhood like it was a village—he was brought up in a Suffolk hamlet—continually calling out across the street to someone or other and, frequently, joining them for talk about politics and art. His solution to the fact that few people in London appeared to speak understandable English now was to learn their language. “The only way to get by in this ’hood is to speak Polish,” he announced recently. He also knew enough Bosnian, Czech and Portuguese to get by in the bars and shops without yelling, as well as enough of several other European languages to make his way without feeling marginalised in his own city.
I have lived on the same page of the A–Z all of my adult life. At lunchtime I liked to stroll twice around the tennis courts like the other workers. This area, between Hammersmith and Shepherd’s Bush, I heard once described as “a roundabout surrounded by misery.” Someone else suggested it might be twinned with Bogotá. Henry called it “a great Middle Eastern city.” Certainly it had always been “cold” there: in the seventeenth century, after the hangings at Tyburn, near Marble Arch, the bodies were brought to Shepherd’s Bush Green to be displayed.
Now the area was a mixture of the pretty rich and the poor, who were mostly recent immigrants from Poland and Muslim Africa. The prosperous lived in five-storey houses, narrower, it seemed to me, than North London’s Georgian houses. The poor lived in the same houses divided up into single rooms, keeping their milk and trainers fresh on the windowsill.
The newly arrived immigrants, carrying their possessions in plastic bags, often slept in the park; at night, along with the foxes, they foraged through the dustbins for food. Alcoholics and nutters begged and disputed in the street continuously; drug dealers on bikes waited on street corners. New delis, estate agents and restaurants had begun to open, also beauty parlours, which I took as a positive indication of rising house prices.
When I had more time, I liked to walk up through Shepherd’s Bush market, with its rows of chauffeur-driven cars parked alongside Goldhawk Road Station. Hijabed Middle Eastern women shopped in the market, where you could buy massive bolts of vivid cloth, crocodile-skin shoes, scratchy underwear and jewellery, “snide” CDs and DVDs, parrots and luggage, as well as illuminated 3-D pictures of Mecca and of Jesus. (One time, in the old city in Marrakech, I was asked if I’d seen anything like it before. I could only reply that I’d come all this way just to be reminded of Shepherd’s Bush market.)
While no one could be happy on the Goldhawk Road, the Uxbridge Road, ten minutes away, is different. At the top of the market I’d buy a falafel and step into that wide West London street where the shops were Caribbean, Polish, Kashmiri, Somali. Along from the police station was the mosque, where, through the open door, you could see rows of shoes and men praying. Behind it was the football ground, QPR, where Rafi and I went sometimes, to be disappointed. Recently one of the shops was sprayed with gunfire. Not long ago a boy cycled past Josephine and plucked her phone from her hand. But otherwise the ’hood was remarkably calm though industrious, with most people busy with schemes and selling. I was surprised there wasn’t more violence, considering how combustible the parts were.
It was my desire, so far unfulfilled, to live in luxury in the poorest and most mixed part of town. It always cheered me to walk here. This wasn’t the ghetto; the ghetto was Belgravia, Knightsbridge and parts of Notting Hill. This was London as a world city.
Before we parted, Henry said, “Jamal, you know, one of the worst things that can happen to an actor is that he gets onstage and there’s no excitement, only boredom. He’d rather be anywhere else and there’s still the storm scene to get through. The words and gestures are empty, and how is this not going to be communicated? I’ll admit this to you, though it is hard for me to say and I am ashamed. I have had my fair share of one-night stands. Aren’t strangers’ bodies terrifying! But I haven’t slept with a woman properly for five years.”
“Is that all? It’ll return, your appetite. You know that.”
“It’s too late. Isn’t it true that a person incapable of love and sex is incapable of life? Already I’m smelling of death.”
“That odour is your lunch. In fact, I suspect your appetite has already come back. That’s why you’re so restless.”
“If it doesn’t, it’s goodbye,” he said, drawing his finger across his throat. “That’s not a threat, it’s a promise.”
“I’ll see what I can do,” I said, “in both matters.”
“You’re a true friend.”
“Leave the entertainment to me.”
CHAPTER TWO
Early evening, and my last patient gone into the night, having endeavoured to leave me his burden.
Now someone is kicking at the front door. My son, Rafi, has called for me. The boy lives a couple of streets away with his mother, Josephine, and comes plunging round on the scooter we bought at Argos with his PSP, trading cards and football shirts in his rucksack. He is wearing a thick gold chain around his neck, a dollar sign hanging from it. Once he told me he felt tired if he wasn’t wearing the right clothes. His face is smooth and a little smudged in places, with scraps of food dotted around his mouth. His hair is razor-cropped, by his mother. We touch fists and exchange the conventional middle-class greeting, “Yo, bro—dog!”
The twelve-year-old tries to hide his head when he sees me because he’s just the right height to be grabbed, but where can you hide a head? I want to kiss and hold him, the little tempest, and smell his boy flesh, pulling him to the ground and wrestling with him. His head is alive with nits, and he squints and squirms, with his father so pleased to see him, saying hopefully, “Hello, my boy, I’ve missed you today, what have you been doing?”
He shoves me away. “Piss off, don’t touch me, keep away, old man—none of that!”
We’re going to eat and find company, and since I’ve
been a single man, the place to do that is Miriam’s.
Rafi has some juice, and we exchange CDs. On the way to Miriam’s, we drive past Josephine’s house, the place he left earlier, slowing down. Josephine and I have been separated for eighteen months. We had stayed together because of our shared pleasure in the kid, because I feared years of TV dinners, and because, at times, we liked the problem of each other. But in the end we couldn’t walk down the street without her on one side, me on the other, shouting complaints across the road. “You didn’t love me!” “You were cruel!” The usual. You don’t want to hear about it, but you will, you will.
I doubted whether she’d be at home, or even that a light would be on, as she had begun to see someone. I had deduced this from the fact that a couple of weeks ago Rafi had turned up at my house wearing a new Arsenal shirt with HENRY on the back. He looked shifty already, and required no confirmation that no son of mine was coming in the house wearing that. We had honourable, legitimate reasons for being Manchester United fans—to be explained at length later—and he did take the shirt off, replacing it with the more respectable GIGGS top he’d left in his room. Neither of us mentioned the Arsenal shirt again, and there was no addition to the kit. The boy loved his father, but whether he’d have been able to resist a trip to Highbury with a strange man who fancied his mother was another matter. We would see.
We were both aware that she required him out of the way, staying with me, in order to see her boyfriend. At such times we felt homeless, abandoned. I guess we were both thinking of what she was doing, of the hope and happiness not directed at us when she was with her new lover.
How could we not drive past, looking? When I see her in my mind, she is standing on the steps of that house, tall, unmoving and unreachable, as though she had put her self far away, where no one could touch it. We met when she was young, twenty-three, and I was maddened by my own passion and her young beauty. She was, then, virtually a teenager, and she had remained so, indifferent to most of the world’s motion and fuss, as though she had seen through it all, seen through everything, until there was nothing to do or believe in.
What did preoccupy her were her “illnesses”—cancers, tumours, diseases. Her body was in a perpetual state of crisis and breakdown. She adored doctors. A donkey with a medical degree was a stallion to her. But her passion was to frustrate them, if not to try to drive them mad, as I knew to my own cost. The hopeless search for cures was her vocation. Freud’s original patients were hysterical women, and one of the first things he said about them was “All that is present is what might be called a symbolic relation between the cause and the pathological phenomenon, a relation such as healthy people form in dreams.” Josephine was dreaming while awake, and her adventures as a somnambulist were something else, too. During her excursions out of the house and into the night, she would smash her face against trees. Of course, when you love the unwell, you constantly have to ask yourself: Do I love her, or her illness? Am I her lover or her healer?
“Okay?” I said, when he’d seen she’d already gone out.
“Yes.”
It was a twenty-minute drive to my older sister’s. In the car Rafi pulled a silver disc from his bag and slipped it into the player. Unlike me, he is more than capable with such machines. It is Mexican hip-hop, of all things. Sam, Henry’s son, records music for him; Henry brings the discs over, and Rafi and I listen to them together. (“Dad, what’s a ‘ho’?” “Ask your mother.”) Luckily for him, Rafi was bilingual. At home, mostly, he was middle-class; on the street and at school he used his other tongue, Gangsta. His privilege was in being able to do both.
Rafi was checking his hair in the passenger mirror as we went, blowing himself kisses—“pimp, you look hip!”—before dragging a black hood over his head. I noticed he was wearing his mother’s expensive perfume again, which set off an uproar of feeling in me, but I managed to say nothing. The unlikely thing was that he and I liked the same music and, often, the same films. I wore his tee-shirts, refusing to give them back; and he wore my hoodies and my Converse All Stars, which were big but not that big for him. I was looking forward to the time when I didn’t have to buy jeans but could take his.
Miriam lived in a rough, mainly white neighbourhood in what used to be called Middlesex—recently voted Britain’s least popular county—though every place is becoming London now, the city stain spreading.
The typical figures on the street were a young man in a green bomber jacket, jeans and polished boots, followed by an underdressed teenager with her hair scraped back—the “Croydon face-lift”—pushing a pram. Other girls in microminis drifted sullenly about, boys on bicycles circling them, drinking sweet vodka smashes from the bottle and tossing them into gardens. And among these binge-mingers, debtors and doggers hurried Muslim women with their heads covered, pulling their children.
Outside Miriam’s detached council house, Rafi hooted the horn. One of her helpful kids came out and moved their car so I could park in the front yard, next to the two charred armchairs which had sat there for months.
It was five kids she had, I think, from three different men, or was it three kids from five men? I wasn’t the only one to lose count. I knew at least that the eldest two had left home: the girl was a fire officer, and the guy worked at a rehearsal studio for bands; both were doing well. After the insanity of her childhood and adolescence, this was what Miriam had done—got these children through—and she was proud of it.
The area was gang-ridden, and political parties of the Right were well supported. Muslims, who were attacked often on the street, and whose fortunes and fears rose and fell according to the daily news, were their target. Yet if one of the Right’s candidates tried campaigning anywhere near her house, Miriam would shoot out of her chair and rush outside yelling, “I’m a Muslim single-mother Paki mad cunt! If anyone’s got any objection, I’m here to hear it!” She’d be waving a cricket bat around her head, with her kids and “assistant,” Bushy, dragging at her to get inside.
But no one wanted a war with Miriam. She had people’s “respect” and, often, their love. It seems funny now, but as a teenager she’d been a Hells Angel. A month I think she lasted, before she decided the swaggering Kent boys were too straight for her. “Builders in leather,” she called them. “Not real bikers.” No wonder I became an intellectual.
She’d also have fistfights in our local pubs, with both men and women. “When I’m angry I feel at my best,” she explained to me once. Half-Indian, half-idiot she used to be called. The mongrel dog. I used to wish she’d get a good smacking, in the hope that it would turn her into someone I could like, or at least understand. It had been quite a feat, and something I was proud of, that, although we’d always seen each other, often reluctantly, in the past two years we had become close friends. I had begun to go regularly to her house.
It had taken me a long time to come to enjoy Miriam, mostly because she caused Mum such hair-tearing, brain-whirring upset. Me too, of course. I cannot forget, though, that whatever chaos she has made, here and in Pakistan, and you’ll be hearing about this, it’s not as bad as the crime I have committed.
I live every day with a murder. A real one. Killer, me. There; I’ve told you. It’s out. Now everything is different. Until I put down those words, I had trusted only one other person with the information. If it got around, my career as a mind doctor might be impeded. It wouldn’t be good for business.
As always, the back door to Miriam’s was open. Rafi ran in and disappeared upstairs. He knew there’d be a small crowd of kids looking at the latest Xbox games or “snide” DVDs with Thai subtitles, recorded from the screen in a Bangkok cinema. I was glad to have my son join the noise and disorder. The kids in this area, even at his age, appeared older and less naive than my son. For them, school was mainly an inconvenience.
But Miriam’s kids, and Miriam herself, would never let the neighbours kick Rafi around. He’d emerge with eye-strain, less articulate and, at the same time, full of new wor
ds like cuss, sick, hectic, deep and, more surprisingly, radical, for me a word redolent with hope and joyful disruption, from which it had now become divorced. Rafi, however, would take exception to my appropriation of his words. If I were to say, for instance, “Radical-hectic, man!” he’d murmur, “Embarrassing, sad fat bald old man nearly dead. Better hush your mouth.”
Josephine had never disliked Miriam; she had, at the beginning, gone to some trouble to know her, but soon found she couldn’t take too much. She did envy Miriam’s “egotism,” saying, however, that Miriam “talked and talked in the hope of finding something to say,” comparing the endless stream of her conversation to the experience of having a plastic bag tightened slowly over your face.
Josephine preferred to speak through her ailments, and was suspicious and envious of the mouthy and the articulate, though she had considerable appetite for any talk of—or books about—ulcers, migraines, irritable bowel syndrome, viruses, infections and nightmares, many of which she attempted to treat with carrots, banana drinks and extreme yoga positions. She took so much aspirin I suspected she considered it to be a vitamin.
Josephine maintained she could always tell when Rafi had been to Miriam’s: his language was fruitier than usual. Josephine and I had argued furiously, as parents have to, over what to put into the kid. I let him watch TV, eat what he wanted and use bad words, the more creatively the better. Familiarity with the language and its limits, I called it. For a while he referred to me only as Mr. Cunty Cunt. “What’s wrong with that?” I said to Josephine. “The Mister shows respect.” From her point of view, I was lax, loose, louche. What use was a father who could not prohibit? My debates with Josephine, furious and disagreeable, were over the deepest things—our ideas of what a good person was and how they would speak.
Something to Tell You Page 2
