by Celeste, B.
My voice is quiet as I toy with my shirt sleeve, unsure of what to say. We haven’t talked, really talked, at all. We would exchange tiny conversations and basic pleasantries like I’m his coworker rather than his daughter.
I never minded it.
Maybe I should.
“Do you do stuff with Kaiden?”
His brows arch wide on his forehead.
Clearing my throat, I rub my wrist. “I think it might be good for him. Cam and I had fun and it didn’t take much. Maybe you and him…”
I have no suggestions. I don’t know what Dad likes or what Kaiden does. In fact, I’m sure they share no common interests. But maybe what Kaiden needs is somebody to fill a void. Dad is by no means a model of the perfect father figure, but he could be.
He could…change.
Maybe.
“I haven’t considered it.”
“Why?”
He’s at a loss for words.
Not surprising.
“I think he needs…” Someone. I blow out a tiny breath and shrug. “Never mind. I’m not sure what he needs.”
Dad sits back and looks like he’s considering what I’m saying. “You two could be good for each other. I know he’s not your sister…” My heart stops. “…but he’s the same age. I’m sure you share more common interests than he and I do.”
Is he suggesting I hang out with him? I’m not sure he understands where I’m coming from. Either that, or he doesn’t want to play the father figure to anyone.
Jaw ticking with irritation, I avoid eye contact. “Everyone needs a parent to be in their corner. I’m not saying Cam isn’t, but maybe he’ll be more apt if someone else is until he gets over whatever it is he’s—”
A door slamming startles me from finishing.
Kaiden.
My shoulders tense. “Forget about it.”
He stands when I begin turning. “I’m not dismissing what you’re saying, Emery. I just think it’s important to know that you two get along. You’re not actually siblings, but you both could find comfort from the past.”
The past.
In order for Kaiden to seek comfort, he has to accept he lost someone. I know Lo is dead and not coming back, no matter what I need to tell myself to cement that she’s better off than she was. Kaiden isn’t that strong. He’s latching on to a could have been situation that doesn’t even exist.
He’s delusional.
“He gave up his room, you know.”
His words stop me again from walking further away. I want to go to my room, change into my pajamas, and go to sleep.
“What do you mean?” I ask instead.
Dad walks over to me. “When Cam and I told him you were moving here, he moved into the spare bedroom. It’s smaller than the one you have and doesn’t come with its own bathroom.”
My lips part in shock. The room’s colors are mild enough to fit Kaiden. All dark tones. I’ve seen his bedroom before to know he’s got all black bedding and sheets, posters of people I don’t know on his walls, and dark furniture. I wouldn’t have guessed my room ever housed him, much less that he’d be willing to give it up for someone he dislikes so much.
“Kaiden is troubled,” he tells me when I make no move to answer. “But there is far more to him than any of us gives him credit for. We try giving him space thinking it’ll help, but I know we might be giving him too much. I don’t think he’d accept me trying to build a bond with him at this point. But you…”
He gave up his room for me?
“I can’t offer him anything.”
“That isn’t true.” His tone is firm, confident in the statement I’m sure is false. “If there is anyone in this world who can break past his shell, it’s you. You’re strong, Em. Stronger than me and your mother combined.”
I don’t say anything.
I go to my room.
Or…not my room.
Kaiden’s room.
But before I can enter, I’m pulled back and pushed against the wall. I’m too startled to make a noise and freeze in the grip Kaiden has on my upper arm. My elbow aches despite his palm barely squeezing me, but my joints are tender, and he isn’t exactly being gentle either.
“You don’t know shit about me,” he hisses so low I almost miss it. His hot breath hits my face and makes me wince further into the wall behind me. “Don’t talk to your father about me, and don’t assume you know what’s best. You don’t and you never will.”
Holding my breath when he lets go of my arm, I count to five before letting it out. The area he grabbed me stings, but I push it away. “I know you gave up your room for me.”
Nothing.
“And I know your father passed away.”
Still nothing.
“I’m—”
“Don’t,” he warns.
“—sorry.”
His nostrils flare as he steps back. “I don’t want your fucking sympathy.”
“Then what do you want?”
“For you to go home.”
I frown.
“Your mother needs you,” he states.
My eyes narrow. “Funny,” I retort. “So does yours.”
He looks like he wants to say something but chooses to smack the wall before turning back to his room. His door slams again, leaving me standing abandoned in the hallway.
I look at my arm.
It’s already starting to bruise.
I need more iron pills.
Chapter Thirteen
Annabel from Book Club tells me about what I missed, which was a whole lot of nothing. It’s nice though, even if Mr. Nichols told her to catch me up. She didn’t have to.
I tell her I like her shirt. It has the Superman emblem on the pocket. Lo and I would sometimes catch Mama watching Smallville, but neither of us followed what was happening. We’d go outside and play instead.
Annabel and I don’t talk much after that. It isn’t like I expect her to keep the conversation flowing. I’ve never really had friends before. I used to think it was because nobody knew how to deal with the sick girl or the girl who lost her twin, but no one here knows any of that.
Maybe it’s me. Maybe it’s better. Kaiden is doing me a favor by making sure everyone leaves me alone.
When I’m changing in gym, one of the girls whispers when she sees the light purple bruise on my arm. Nobody can tell it’s a palm print, but it wraps around the skin like one.
I never bruised so easily before. Once I fell out of a tree Lo and I were climbing and only got a little scratch. Now it takes someone accidently bumping into me in the halls for little ones to pop up on my body. The first time I noticed them was a few weeks before moving in with Dad. I bumped my hip into the wall and noticed a large blue and purple mark that night. Grandma playfully swatted me with her crossword puzzle one time. An ugly brown bruise formed.
Frowning, I tug on my sleeve until it’s hidden. The last thing I need are rumors spreading about some sort of abuse at home. There was a boy at my old school who lied about his mother hitting him and when Child Protective Services got involved, a lot of bad things happened.
I may not be happy where I am, but I’m content. Sometimes that’s better than nothing.
The gym teacher has us do four laps around the room. I’m out of breath by the first one, while everyone speeds past me. Girls laugh in their groups over unknown gossip, boys joke about the girls. They mostly ignore me other than to move around my turtle-pace form.
I walk the last two despite everyone else moving on to the lesson. My last gym teacher wouldn’t have allowed that, but I’m grateful they pay my red face and heaving body no attention. I could get a note and excuse myself from even bothering with this class, but I don’t want to.
I want to be normal.
Even if normal is being laughed at for being slow, or missing the basketball hoop, or only doing one sit-up, I’m okay with that. Most of the time people do their own things and talk with their friends, so it isn’t like I have to worry about being the but
t of everyone’s jokes.
But that’s probably not because they don’t want me to be. It’s because of—
“Mr. Monroe,” Mr. Jefferson says.
My head snaps up to see Kaiden standing at the side entrance of the gymnasium. He’s watching me, facial expression seemingly angrier than usual.
“I need to speak with Emery.”
Mr. Jefferson glances at me before turning back to Kaiden. “Regarding?”
“Family emergency.”
My heart races as I quickly walk over to him. The teacher waves us off as we head toward a side hallway rather than the main office across the hall.
Is Cam okay? Dad? The last time this happened, Mama showed up tear stricken with Grandma. They signed me out and took me to the hospital where the school had sent Logan after an episode she had during class. I didn’t feel anything—no twin telepathy or tugging. I felt like I failed her that day.
I can taste my anxiety. It’s choking me as Kaiden leads us down the corridor leading to empty classrooms and janitor closets. He stops when we get to a little alcove beneath the back stairwell leading to the second story high school wing.
“Kaiden—”
He lifts my arm with surprising gentleness and raises the sleeve. Sucking in a small breath he examines the bruise, careful not to touch it or bend my elbow a certain way.
I swallow. “Is everything okay at home?”
His eyes meet mine. They’re hollow. “I lied. There’s no family emergency.”
I’m crossed with a mixture of relief and anger. Just because he doesn’t know my circumstances doesn’t mean lying about a family emergency is any less awful. I don’t bother bringing that up though, because his jaw moves like he’s grinding his teeth as he stares at the bruise. It has faded considerably since he gave it to me, but that doesn’t seem to ease the tension built in his shoulders.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you.” His voice is uncharacteristically soft. Clearing his throat, he lets go of my arm and watches as I adjust the sleeve.
“I know you didn’t.” I cross my arms over my chest. “It happens. I bruise easily.”
He watches me, then his gaze dips to my bracelet. “Seems like a good thing that you went with my mother, huh?”
His fingertips graze the beads, causing goosebumps to pebble my arms. “Yeah.” I know he doesn’t want to talk about her, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to remain silent. “About what you overheard—”
“No.” He turns to leave.
Instead of letting him, I grab his wrist. “I know you’re hurting, Kaiden. But you need to understand that Cam loves you. There’s no reason why you should blame her for losing your father. It’s not her fault. He was sick.”
His eye twitches.
“Sickness isn’t pretty,” I whisper. “It makes the person you love more than anything in the world into somebody different. It isn’t just a physical transformation, but a mental and emotional one. When it takes over, there’s very little in their control they can do. Whether you want to give Cam the time of day or not, you need to know that your father didn’t want you seeing him like that. And you know what?” I take a deep breath and shake my head. “It’s ugly. Watching someone you love die from illness is hideous and heartbreaking and so many other things.
“Think what you want of your mother, but she was just doing what your father asked. The people who have to witness watching the people they look up to die so brutally are never the same. Cam saved you from that. So did your father.”
He’s quiet. His gaze isn’t hard or soft, but somewhere in between. I like to think he’s considering what I’ve said, like maybe he’s accepting that I know what I’m talking about.
And I do.
Disease is the monster in the dark. It lingers, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. It veers its ugly head and takes what it wants, when it wants.
Yet, there’s one disease that is worse than any kind of invisible illness in existence and it is something the world is plagued with.
Indifference.
When Kaiden drives us home, he doesn’t leave right away. Instead, he gives Cam a barely-there smile before disappearing into his room.
Chapter Fourteen
The next few weeks are peacefully mundane. I go to all my classes and don’t miss another Book Club. My headaches come and go, and so do the aches and pains. For the most part, everything is tolerable.
Tolerable is contentment.
Kaiden doesn’t actively seek out Cam, but he hasn’t completely ignored her either. Sometimes he’ll answer her about school or thank her for breakfast. It’s strange how so little could mean so much to a person, but I can tell Cam is over the moon whenever he tells her goodbye before school or goodnight before bed.
He won’t talk about his father.
He won’t even talk about himself.
It’s a step in the right direction though.
One night when Cam and Dad announce they have to go to a work function for Dad’s company, Kaiden asks if I want to go to the cemetery. It’s cooler out, so I’d have to bundle in layers, but going to the tree sounds like the perfect way to end the night.
When we get there, I’m surprised when he pulls out a thick blanket from the back. He gives me a small shrug before guiding us to the spot and resting the blanket on the cold grass.
The sun is setting, the crickets are singing, and everything around us is tranquil. It helps me ease into the blanket and close my eyes, not caring what Cam or Dad are doing, or what’s going through Kaiden’s mind beside me.
“Do you miss her?”
One of my lids pops open. “Who?”
“Your sister.”
“Every single day.”
He’s quiet for a moment. “Does it get any easier?”
I could lie to him. “No,” I answer honestly. “No matter what, she’s still gone. That part doesn’t really get any better. It’s just about figuring out how to move on from it.”
My attention turns to his fidgeting, like he wants to ask how but refuses to. I sigh, knowing he’s too stubborn for his own good.
Drawing my knees up, I tug on the oversized sweatshirt I put on. “You need to find something to take your mind off it. I like to read. I’m sure sports will help.”
“He loved lacrosse.”
“Your dad?”
A head nod.
Surprise flickers across my features, but I try masking it. “Did you guys practice together?”
I swear his lips tilt upward, but when I blink there’s no evidence of a smile. “Yeah. He used to play when he was my age, so that’s how I got into it. Sometimes he would take me to the batting cages too because he was a big baseball person.”
“Are you?”
“Nah.” He clears his throat. “I just went because it made him happy.”
We fall to silence.
The wind picks up and shuffles my hair in my face. It’s easier to do now that it’s shorter. It hasn’t grown any, but also hasn’t fallen out since taking extra vitamins and using the fancy shampoo Cam got me. It’s a win, I guess.
“I wish I could visit Lo.” It’s probably random, but I can tell he isn’t interested in offering up any more information about his dad.
“You could.”
“It’s a long drive.”
“I could…” He trails off.
I stare at him.
He grumbles. “I could take you.”
A smile cracks across my lips. “I appreciate that, but it’s okay. Maybe I’ll see if Dad could drop me off during school break. I think it’ll be good if I see Mama and Grandma.”
He stretches his long legs out. “Don’t you regret coming here? Your family is hours away from here, you don’t have any friends, and you don’t really do anything but read when you’re at home.”
I consider my answer. “No, I don’t regret it. You wouldn’t understand, Kaiden. Mama was really struggling to cope and me being there wasn’t what was best. I don’t fault her for it…”
Anymore. “Because I know that it must be hard.”
“It’d be hard for anyone.”
“Like Cam?”
He sighs. “Yeah, like my mom.”
At least he accepts that.
“Break is coming up,” he notes.
“Yep.”
“So…are you going to leave?”
I laugh. “You sound sad.”
“You sound surprised,” he counters.
“You don’t exactly like me, Kaiden.”
His eyes pierce mine. “I don’t dislike you either, Mouse.”
The nickname has become oddly endearing, and I’m not sure what that means. It’s a sign though—a good one. Like maybe Dad could be right about Kaiden and me being there for one another.
“Are you saying I’m tolerable?”
He grunts. “Not if you keep fishing for compliments. You sound like Rachel.”
I fake gasp. Rachel hasn’t bothered me in a while, and I wonder if it’s because Kaiden has ignored me. Sometimes she’ll glance at me in English or if we pass by each other in the hall.
“I think you like me Kaiden Monroe.”
He doesn’t say anything.
He doesn’t deny it either.
“You know it’s your fault,” I say.
His eyebrow quirks.
I run my hands across the rough material of the blanket. “People are probably scared to talk to me because they think King Kaiden will do something to them.”
“It’s for—”
“You don’t want me being bullied,” I cut him off. “Fine, I appreciate the concern you won’t admit to having for me. But you can’t keep reminding me that I have nobody here because you’re the reason for it.”
Crickets chirp in the distance.
“You have someone,” he murmurs.
My brows pinch.
He glances at my face. “You have me.”
When we get home later that night to find our parents already in bed. Kaiden and I go to our rooms, but before I can even change into my pajamas, Kaiden is at my door.
He looks around the room, his hands tucked away in the pockets of his jeans.
“What’s up?”
I want to ask him why he gave me his room, but I don’t. It seems like there are limits as to how much he’s willing to reveal. Baby steps.
