by M. S. Parker
“Yeah. I can also quote the movie Independence Day to you in its entirety.” Along with a few others. I’m a lot of fun at parties.”
“I imagine you would be, but not for that phenomenal memory.” He reached out and took my hand, lifting it to his lips. “It’s going to be okay, Toni.”
The warmth of his mouth on the back of my hand only made me more aware of how cold I was again. I started to shiver and he frowned. When I tried to tug my hand away, he moved in and pulled me up against him, his big body warming mine in a way no jacket, no cup of coffee, no blanket ever could. For a few moments, I let myself be comforted.
When I took a step back and glanced over at Marcum, it was to find she’d finally placed the letter back on the battered desk.
“This is...problematic,” she said.
“Really?” I interjected, cutting off just as she was going to say something else.
She lifted her eyebrows.
I glared at her, not feeling at all chastised.
She continued, unconcerned, “Problematic, but not particularly surprising. We’ve been...” She hesitated a moment, her eyes moving back and forth between Ash and me in a deliberate manner. “Aware of the relationship between the two of you for a while. It stands to reason that others would be as well.”
“Others?” Ash asked quietly.
“Surely you’ve suspected that you have somebody following you, or at the very least, watching you.”
She wasn’t even looking at me as she said it, her attention focused entirely on Ash now. A muscle pulsed in his jaw. He gave a short, quick nod, a vast ocean of violence somehow contained in that simple motion.
“We’ve been watching as well, but whoever's doing it is good. We haven't been able to actually see anybody. Equally concerning is the fact that if we haven’t seen them...” She grimaced. “We have to consider that somebody might have seen us. That's why I had one of our more skilled undercover agents bring you in.”
“You’re talking about...”
Marcum grinned at me. “Solokov. He’s one of our best. A piece of work, isn’t he?”
“What do we need to do?” Ash demanded, impatience clear in his voice.
Marcum sighed and looked down at the letter again. “There’s any number of answers to that, Mr. Lang. We already have fingerprints from both of you, so we can run for prints immediately. We’ll have to figure out the best way to get the video feed from the security cameras in your building without alerting anybody that we’re looking at it–”
“I own the building,” Ash interrupted calmly.
What the fuck? I stared at him. He owned my building?
He didn’t even glance at me.
Marcum leaned back in the chair, her dark eyes speculative. “You own her apartment building.”
“It was a Phenecie-Lang investment back in the eighties, along with hundreds of other properties.” He shrugged.
I actually felt a bit of relief at the explanation. At least he hadn't bought it after we'd met. That would've made things even more awkward between us than they already were.
“Technically, I should say my family’s company owns it. It amounts to the same thing.”
Marcum shook her head, chuckling. “Well, that would definitely simplify things if you could find a subtle way to get us the video feed without making anybody aware of why it’s being taken or who needs it.”
“I’ll get my top security man on it. He’s former NSA. If he can’t do subtle, I don’t know who can. What else?”
I sat there, listening to them talk on and on while my head spun.
This was so far beyond me at this point, I didn’t know what to do or think. Give me a study on the long-term psychological effects of bullying or how to counsel a victim of domestic abuse. Hell, I could even work with Isadora and her post traumatic stress issues. I wasn't prepared to deal with being a victim of stalking.
Maybe I had my own control issues to address.
“Toni.”
I jerked my head, feeling like I’d been in some weird sort of fugue.
Marcum was looking at me and I had a feeling she’d said my name more than once. Probably once times five. At least. “What?”
“You know you can’t go back home.”
No. Actually, I hadn’t figured that part out yet and I swore, feeling like an idiot. “Fine,” I muttered. “I’ll go back to my parents. I’ve got clothes and stuff there–”
“That’s not a good plan,” Ash said. “They know where your parents live.”
Narrowing my eyes, I glared at him. “Yeah. Thanks for that reminder.”
“Toni, you need to think now.” He leaned forward and covered my hands with his.
I pulled my hands away as the reality hit me hard and fast. They knew where my parents lived. My brothers...my nieces, my nephews.
Oh, shit.
My breath started to come in hard, fast pants and I clambered up out of the seat, unable to stay still. Before I could give in to the fear inside me and take off, Ash caught my arms.
“Breathe.”
“I am breathing!” I tried to shout it, but I couldn't get enough air in.
His voice was calm. “No. You’re panting and you’re freaking out. Take a deep breath.”
“Let me go!” I tried to wrench away and couldn’t.
“Sure. But you need to calm down first. I’ll let you go after you take...”
He let out a grunt of pain as I drove my fist into the meaty part of his chest. I wanted to hit him again, but I forced myself to focus on breathing. He'd been right. I really needed to breathe.
“For the record, I don't like being manhandled. Or told to calm down.”
“I’ll keep it in mind.” He rubbed at his shoulder, but I could see a hint of something in his eyes. A hint of something that said he was holding back a comment about manhandling me.
I looked down at my hand as it gave a throb, grateful for a reason to look away from him.
“Are you ready to listen now?”
Moving over to the window, I braced my hands on the broad window sill. Then I forced myself to breathe in – really breathe. With each slow, steady inhale and exhale, the fog cleared from my head. “Yeah.”
“You can’t go home. You know that.” He wasn't being patronizing, but he was talking succinctly.
“I also know that my family's in danger. My family, my brothers...Ash, I’ve got a two year-old niece. Her mom stays at home to take care of her. Who’s going to watch over them?”
“I am.”
At his calm pronouncement, I turned to look at him.
Marcum was shaking her head, but he held up a hand. “Look, I can hire private security, and I know the best. I’ll get teams watching everybody until we get this wrapped up.”
Shivering, I hugged myself, arms crossed over my middle. “And what if it takes years, Ash?”
“Then that’s how long they’ll watch.” He came to me, cupping my cheek in his hand. “You’re in this because of us. Because of me. I told you, I’m not going to let anything happen to you or your family.”
Slowly, I nodded. “Okay. Okay.” I could do this. I looked over at Marcum. “I can probably go to a hotel for a while. Will that–?”
“No hotels.”
I turned toward Ash.
His eyes gleamed as he met my gaze. “You’re coming home with me.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Is that a fact?”
Chapter 4
Ash
“You’ll be comfortable in here.”
Out in the hall, I leaned back against the wall while I listened to my sister chattering on with Toni. Their voices dropped to a lower murmur, and while I knew they probably weren’t talking about me, I had little doubt I was the reason for the lower voices.
“Are you sure you’re okay with all of this? If you want, I can get you into a hotel. I’ll make sure there’s security and everything.” Isadora’s voice was low.
I ground my teeth together. Her offer made me want
to storm into the room and tell her she was grounded. Granted, I didn’t exactly have any right to ground her any more. I hadn't had that option for years, unfortunately.
To be fair, I couldn’t really demand Toni stay here if she didn’t want to, but if she tried to leave, there was going to be one hell of a fight. I didn’t want her leaving. I wanted her here. Here where I could protect her and make sure she was safe.
If I was being honest though, I actually wanted her upstairs in my bedroom, but she was taking one of the many guest bedrooms. Not even a minute after she’d declined dessert, she'd asked Isadora where Doug had put her things. She hadn't even looked at me when she'd asked it. And my traitor of a sister had said that Doug had put Toni's things in the biggest guest room...which hadn't been where I'd told him to put them.
She didn’t want to share my bed. Right now, she didn’t want to even be near me. And I couldn't say that I blamed her.
Isadora stepped out into the hallway and slid me a look before heading off. Unfortunately, whatever she was trying to tell me, I couldn’t figure it out. I wasn't going to ask her to explain though. Colton had arrived earlier and was down in the kitchen at the moment, eating a late meal. No doubt the two of them were going to spend a nice, cozy evening together.
Envy was a bitch.
How did this come so easy to Isadora?
Shoving off the wall, I ducked into the bedroom without knocking. The pale ivory walls, the vivid green accents and furniture made Toni's hair look brighter than usual as she stood by the bed, taking clothes out of the hastily packed suitcase. She glanced up and paused expectantly.
When I didn’t say anything right away, she sighed. “I’m tired, you know. I didn’t sleep much last night. I’m planning on soaking in that huge tub and then collapsing on these very expensive sheets.”
“Are we going to finish the conversation we were having in your apartment?” I asked bluntly.
“No.” She met my gaze levelly. There was no pretense in her eyes, no attempt to hide what she was feeling. She looked battered, bruised and, like she’d said, tired. “I get that you want to talk, Ash, but I don’t want to. Maybe you've decided you want to try something new, but it's not about what you want.”
The truth of her words hit me hard. “Toni, I...”
“Please.” She shook her head, turning back to the task of unpacking her clothes. Doug told her the staff would handle it, but she’d refused, saying she’d rather do it. “Don’t. I can't think about this right now.”
A strange hollow ache took up residence in my chest, and I heard Isadora’s voice all over again. What’s the point? Good question. Had there been a point to any of this? I'd tried and I lost her anyway.
I heard her move and looked up.
She’d moved away from the suitcase and, as our gazes connected, she pushed a heavy lock of hair behind her ear. The dense, dark red drew my eye, but I wasn’t remembering how it felt to fist it around my hands as I drove into her. Instead, I found myself thinking about how alone she’d looked that morning, how much I’d wanted to hold her.
Then I remember how Isadora had leaned against Colton, how I'd seen her relax against him, knowing he'd take care of her. As her older brother, I had to hate him on principle, but I couldn't deny that he loved my sister. I'd seen it so clearly as he wrapped his arms around her, giving her his strength.
I wanted it with Toni, wanted it more than I'd ever wanted anything in my life. I wanted her to trust me, and not only with her body. I wanted her to trust me with her heart.
And I'd probably fucked up any chance I ever had of that.
My voice was quiet. “I get it. I've fucked up over and over with you. I'm an ass, and I have been for a long time. You're the first person who's ever...” The sentence trailed off and I took two steps towards the door, then paused without looking back at her. “I want to try to be...better.”
She didn't say a word as I left.
***
Two hours in the gym didn’t help burn off the tension, and a half hour in the hot tub didn’t help. Ten minutes under an icy cold shower did nothing except make me curse and shiver.
In the end, I went with an old-fashioned remedy and turned the water up to hot before turning my back to the spray and sliding my hand down my chest, my belly, and lower. Toni had been haunting me worse than usual. I’d pounded out more than five miles on the treadmill, but instead of running away from her memory, it had felt like chasing. Every pound I’d lifted, it had been like I was pulling her to me.
Now, instead of fighting, I let them come, all the thoughts and memories of the one person I wanted…and couldn't…have.
Her smoky blue eyes. The silk of her hair wrapped around my hands. Her lips gliding down my chest. Her mouth closing around me. That impossibly hot, wet suction. Except I knew it wasn't her mouth on me. My fist tightened and I closed my eyes, trying to focus on the fantasy.
It didn't take long. Several strokes later, my breathing shuddered and I groaned as my dick jerked in my hand. The climax was empty, but it eased the dull ache in my balls.
Nothing helped much later, though, as I lay in my bed.
My empty bed.
What’s the point...?
Hell if I knew.
***
The sound of the bright, happy voices coming from the breakfast room was enough to make me want to back up to my bedroom and shove my head under a pillow. Either that or find a bottle and hide in a corner somewhere. If I got good and drunk, maybe the weekend would pass in a blur, and I’d have a reason to go back to work Monday morning.
I’d told Toni I realized that my life was empty. I'd told her that I wanted to be better. But I didn't know how. How to be better. How to give my life meaning.
I felt like I was nineteen again, suddenly thrust into a role I didn't know how to play. Because I loved Isadora, I'd learned how to be what she needed, who she needed, but I knew I'd been a poor substitute for what she'd lost. For what we'd both lost. I'd grown poorer still through the years and now I wanted to change all of that. For my sister, for myself. For Toni.
I just didn't know how the hell to do it, and I hated not knowing.
All I knew how to do was make things worse.
Like yesterday.
When we’d finally gotten back to the house, it had been later than I'd planned because Toni had insisted we go by her place so she could get some clothes. We’d argued for nearly ten minutes while still at the FBI office, and we'd kept arguing the entire ride to her apartment. I told her I could buy her whatever she needed and she’d sneered for a minute before laughing a bitter, pitying laugh.
Money isn’t the answer to everything, you know.
She was right. I knew she was. And I supposed that was one of the reasons I didn't get it. She was only going back for clothes, toiletries, stuff I could easily replace. It was just stuff.
It had taken Isadora to make me realize the problem.
Toni had needed the comfort of her own things around her.
And I'd wanted me to be enough. Although there was no reason for me to even think she'd feel that way. I'd never done anything but betray and hurt her.
As I entered the breakfast room, their conversation paused. Swinging a look over at them, I said sardonically, “Don’t let me interrupt the party.”
“Oh, don’t be such a grump.” Isadora grinned at me and crunched a piece of bacon. Normally, I would have joined them at the table, but I didn't know if I could handle sitting with Toni and the almost too sweet cuteness that was my sister and Colton. He was staying here for a few days, apparently.
When I’d come down for a drink around midnight the night before, it had been to find Colton and my sister going over the classifieds online. Because of the angle of the computer, I'd been able to see the screen even though I'd paused in the doorway. They'd been looking at apartments.
I'd been so fixed on what they'd been looking at that I hadn't realized the two of them had been having a minor argument of sorts. As
I listened, I realized that they'd been disagreeing because he'd wanted to factor in his income. That had made me like him a little more. In true Isadora fashion, she'd been insisting she pay for it alone. Aside from the annual income she received from her share of the company, she also had a hefty enough trust that she could live wherever she wanted. Most guys would like that.
From the shadows, I’d watched them come to a compromise. And I learned more about the young man than I'd known before, both about him personally and the kind of person he was. He’d always wanted to be a teacher, but hadn’t had the money for school. As they talked, Isadora had come up with a plan. She’d handle things while he went back to school, and then they’d go back over their finances once he started teaching. Look at this way, she'd said, if you had the money and I wanted to go to school but couldn’t, wouldn’t you take care of it?
Colton had kissed her even before she'd finished with her statement. I guess I can be a kept man for a while.
She’d laughed. Oh, baby...I’m keeping you forever.
Forever.
The word echoed in my head and made my chest tighten.
Looking over at Toni, I found her watching me over the rim of her coffee cup.
I never used to think forever.
I never used to think about a lot of things.
But now, all those things crashed together in my head, and they were all tangled up with her, this frustrating, amazing woman with the turbulent blue eyes.
I tried to smile at her, to show her that I wasn't angry with her, but the muscles in my face didn't want to cooperate.
She looked down at her plate, her expression blank.
“There’s plenty of food left if you’re hungry,” Isadora's voice was easy-going, but I knew she'd seen the exchange. There was something sharp in her eyes.
The kidnapping had matured my sister in ways I wasn’t entirely sure I liked, but there was nothing to be done for it. Nobody could go back. Things couldn't be undone. I knew only too well the truth of that.
I also knew that if I turned and walked out of the kitchen, they'd all know it was because I was still running. And I couldn’t keep doing that, especially not after my discussion with Toni yesterday.
