by M. S. Parker
“Go away,” I said shortly.
He didn’t.
I made it up the first flight of stairs, but on the landing, he caught my arm. I whirled around and slapped him without a second thought.
“I told you to stop manhandling me, you bastard!” I growled at him.
I raised my hand to slap him again, but he caught my wrist. In a blur of movement, he shoved me against the wall, and pinned my captured wrist over my head.
Heat and rage merged together, then exploded as he slammed his mouth down on mine. His tongue shoved between my lips, and I bit down as I struggled against his grip. He growled and let go of my hand to shove his between my thighs. I’d worn jeans. I was both grateful and miserable of that fact just then.
As he rubbed against me, his tongue curled around mine and teased, taunted. I should've pushed him away, but my hands clung to him. He shifted against me, grabbing my hips and lifting me. My legs automatically went around his waist, pressing him in just the right spot against me. He rolled his hips and the friction bordered on pain.
Fuck.
If he stopped, I was going to kill him.
When he pulled his head away, I grabbed him and yanked his mouth back to mine.
He bit my lower lip and it made me whimper.
His hand pushed my top up and roughly yanked at my bra until he had my breast freed. As he worried my nipple into a tight little point, I arched my back, pushing my breast against his fingers. The need inside me was a burning, a sharp, painful desire that I knew was going to break me...
Fuck.
“You're not doing this to me again.” I pushed against his chest as I untangled my legs from around his waist. As Ash took a step backwards, I managed to get my feet underneath me.
“Doing what? Look, we can talk about–”
“Doing what? Are you fucking serious?” I shoved him again, just because I had to get rid of some of the anger, some of the hurt. And he was the closest outlet. To my complete and utter horror, my voice hitched, then cracked. “You try to act like I'm not just another piece of ass...”
“You're not,” he insisted. “I came after you because...”
He started toward me, but I slapped at his hands.
“No.” Shaking my head, I backed away from him, feeling sick inside. “You came after me because you wanted to fuck, because that's what you do when you get pissed.”
“Toni...” His voice trailed away as his gaze landed on my face.
Something he saw there must have spoken volumes because he lapsed into silence.
“You might've thought you meant it, but only because you enjoy sticking your dick inside me. It's lust and that's easy enough to satisfy anywhere. You should know.” I wasn't going to listen to my hormones or my heart anymore. It hurt too much. I had to think of my family. “You seriously think I should be okay with letting you call all the shots on this.”
His eyes flicked away.
Clenching my hand into a fist so I didn't reach for him, I shook my head. I understand where you're coming from. You love your sister, but that doesn't mean you've cornered the market on that emotion. I love my brothers, my parents. You think you'd do anything to protect her? Multiply that by four for my brothers, then make it six because I've got my mom and dad. Now add in Deacon and Franky's families. Children, Ash. My nieces and nephews. You think because she's all you got that you love her more? Or maybe because you’re loaded that your decisions somehow trump mine?” I squared my shoulders. “Guess what? I don’t care about your money. I don’t care if you can buy and sell this block three times over. Respect and decency, compassion, all that means more to me than how much money you’ve got. And you don’t respect me.” The truth of that statement made my chest hurt.
“That’s not true,” he said, shaking his head.
“It is. Otherwise you’d already understand this simple fact: I'd die for any of my family, twice over, and they'd do the same for me, but you want me to sit back and twiddle my thumbs while you decide what's best.” I couldn't even meet his eyes. It hurt too much. “You think you get to make all the calls, because your sister is all that matters.”
The misery inside welled outside of my control now and my voice broke. My eyes were burning and I fought not to cry. Not in front of him. This time when he reached out, I moved away so violently, I almost fell.
“Don't you touch me, dammit! I already told you, you're not doing this to me anymore!”
Slowly, his hand fell to his side.
I needed to get out of here.
“Please, just leave me alone.”
For a moment, he looked like he was going to try and say something else, but in the end, all he did was nod. He shoved his hands into his pockets as I turned away.
I couldn’t fall apart.
Not yet.
Not with my families' lives at stake. My heart could wait.
Chapter 8
Toni
I could still feel his eyes on my back as I closed myself inside the guest room they'd given me last night. My suitcase still lay open, propped on a stand I’d found in the closet. I hadn’t put everything away. On some level, I must have had an idea that this wasn't going to work out.
“How many times are you going to let him hurt you like this?” I whispered.
To be fair, I hadn’t exactly intentionally set out to let him get to me like this at all today. But something about him just brought it out in me.
Further proof that I needed to get out of here.
“You know better than this,” I said, sighing. The sound came out wet and broken, the tears I was fighting edging closer and closer. I didn’t have time for tears. I had to pack. Call a cab. Get out of here without Ash trying to stop me. I didn’t know if he still would, but I had to do it while this hurt was still looming large in my mind. If I waited too long, I might forget how bad the ache was, or get needy and desperate. And stupid.
Everybody had a right to be an idiot once in their lives, I supposed. My brothers had all done it. Vic more than once. And if I started counting relationships in there...Deacon and Franky might've married great women and hadn't dated much before them, but Kory and Vic more than made up for it.
Considering how the past two weeks had gone, I was going to write this off as my idiot time. Between the finals I'd missed and papers I'd turned in late, not to mention the fiasco of missing my class earlier this week, I was sure pretty much everyone who knew me would agree I'd been an idiot.
It didn’t take more than ten minutes to re-pack what little I'd gotten out, and just as I was closing my suitcase, somebody knocked.
I ignored it.
I had no desire to talk to Ash again although he’d probably just barge in anyway. I should've just locked it. A moment later, the door opened and I clenched my jaw as ugly words boiled up my throat. I spun to yell at him, except it was Isadora who slid inside.
She looked at me, then at the suitcase. “You’re leaving,” she said, her voice calm.
“Damn straight.” My voice was husky, but level. Looking into her concerned eyes, I made up my mind. “I’m also quitting. If you need me to work two weeks for official notice, I will. But I’d rather not. I’m sorry.”
Her lips pursed, and she sighed. “This hasn’t exactly been the easiest way to start out a new job, has it?”
“Oh, the job was wonderful.” I hurried to reassure her. I didn't want her thinking any of this was her fault. “I really enjoyed working with you. It's just...” I let my voice trail off.
“I know.” She moved deeper into the room, tugging her pale ivory shawl more closely around her shoulders. “Do you hate him?”
“What...no.” I wished I could though. Turning away from her, I levered my suitcase off the bed. “I’d like to, but no. And it's not all...I'm down to the wire with my classes and I’m barely able to concentrate. I missed an important class a couple days ago because I was so tired, I slept through my alarm. And I missed another class yesterday.”
Looking
defeated, she settled down in the chair. “You’ve worked so hard. I can't let you put any of that at risk. But is now the best time to leave? It’s not safe. You know that.”
“I’ll go to a hotel.” I shrugged. I hadn't really thought further ahead than getting away from Ash. “I’ll order in pizza and watch movies. When it’s time for class...” I frowned. “There's campus security. Or I'll talk to my brothers. Vic'll come with me. I'll be okay.”
“Toni, please.” She had a pleading tone in her voice.
I shook my head and hoped she couldn't see the tears in my eyes. “I–I can’t. I can’t be around him, Iz. It's just too hard.”
Chapter 9
Ash
The door closed softly behind my sister, but the sound echoed in my head.
I was still sitting on the stairs, looking at absolutely nothing when somebody came out. My head jerked up and my heart leaped.
I was half-way to my feet when I realized it wasn’t Toni. Isadora bore down on me with a look of complete and utter disgust on her face. The sight of something so foreign on her face caught me off guard, and I found myself backing up a half step before I realized what I was doing.
“You’re an idiot. And an asshole!”
I almost looked around, sure that my baby sister couldn't be talking to me like that. Her voice was harsh, almost unrecognizable, and I suddenly realized that her eyes were glittering with tears.
Shit.
“What are you doing?” she demanded.
“Iz...”
“You know what, just don't.” She held up her hand. “Do you know what she’s doing in there? She’s leaving, Ash. Leaving. She's putting herself in danger because she can’t even stand to be around you.”
“Like hell she is!” The words popped out of me before I could stop them. I started to step past Isadora.
“You can’t stop her,” she said as she grabbed my arm.
“If I have to tie her to a fucking chair––”
“Like they did to me?” Isadora said, her voice flat.
I went still, shock freezing me. “No...” I had to clear my throat. “Iz, no. Not like that. I just...I want her safe. I need her safe.”
“And she wants her family safe. You can’t control everything, Ash. But because you can't seem to get that through your thick head, we're going to lose Toni.” She glanced back toward Toni’s closed door. “Look, I know you never got over Lily leaving you like she did. But Toni isn’t Lily. Nobody is.”
“Iz, don’t.” I shook my head. I didn't want to think about Lily.
“Look, I know she broke your heart, and that you hate not knowing what happened to her. I tried to find her for you, tried to find out why she'd...”
“She didn't love me.”
Isadora shook her head. “You don't know that. I found out that her things were moved out of her apartment by a moving company. No one's seen her since...”
“She wrote me a letter.”
My sister's eyes widened, then narrowed. “She what?”
I sighed and ran my hand through my hair. “A couple weeks after she left, I got a letter in the mail. No postmark, nothing I could use to try to find her. But after I read what she wrote, I didn't want to find her.” I worked to keep my voice flat, emotionless. “She said that she couldn't lie to me anymore, that she didn't love me. She never had. She was just using me.”
Isadora was silent for a moment, and then her expression hardened.
“So what?”
I blinked.
She continued, “You’ve judged every woman you’ve met based on Lily and what she did, and it’s unfair. You’re going to lose the best thing that's ever happened to you because some woman broke your heart years ago? You're not just an asshole. You're a stupid asshole.” She took a step towards me and poked me hard in the chest. “If you lose Toni because of Lily, you deserve to spend the rest of your life alone and miserable.”
Before I could recover, the door opened and Toni stood there. I sucked in a breath at the sight of the suitcase in her hand. Her gaze flicked past me to settle on Isadora and she nodded at my sister while ignoring me completely.
“I’ve got a cab on the way. I’ll call when I get settled.”
Isadora’s mouth wobbled before firming into a smile. “Okay.”
Toni started toward the steps and my head spun, desperate for something, anything, to keep her from going.
“Don’t go,” I said, the words coming out through stiff lips.
She didn’t even pause.
“Toni, wait.”
She kept right on walking.
Getting desperate, I moved toward the railing as she started down. “Dammit! Toni, please.”
I didn't remember exactly when the shroud of ice had settled around my heart, but I did remember when I decided to never allow myself love anybody again.
It had been one month to the day after I'd planned on proposing. I’d been trapped inside the office buildings of Phenecie-Lang while a miserable snowstorm had raged outside. Isadora had been safe at home with the staff and I'd been alone. As I’d stared out into the blowing wind, I’d decided that Lily leaving had been a good thing. Love, after all, made a person vulnerable. Better to protect myself. Isadora would be the only person I'd let myself love.
Now, with each step Toni took away from me, I could feel my heart breaking despite myself. It didn't matter that I tried to push her away or that I'd never said the words out loud.
I could almost hear the ice in my chest cracking, thawed by a warmth that had nothing to do with temperature. It was her. All her.
I couldn't go back to that again.
“I love you.”
She hesitated for a fraction of a second, and I grabbed at the chance.
“Please, Toni, I’ve fucked this up so many times and I know that. But please. Please, baby. Please don’t leave me. I love you.”
Chapter 10
Toni
I could feel hysterical laughter bubbling up in my throat, and fought to keep it back.
Was he fucking kidding me?
I love you.
I told myself to keep going. That was all I had to do. Keep walking. Down the steps. Out the door. Out of his life forever. Dazed, I took another step, then two more.
“I love you, Toni.”
He said it a third time. My hand tightened convulsively on the handle of my suitcase, and I sank down on the stairs, setting my suitcase on the one below me. My legs simply wouldn’t hold me anymore.
I closed my eyes. Don’t listen to him. Don’t listen.
Not a single stair in the whole Lang house would dare squeak, not a single floorboard either, but I still knew exactly when he came up to stand behind me.
“Don’t do this,” I whispered. I told him before that I didn't beg, but I was begging him now. Begging him not to hurt me again. “Every time I try to pull myself free, you do or say something that sucks me right back in. You keep hurting me or twisting me up and I’m tired of it. I'm so tired.” My voice cracked on the last word.
I sucked in a breath as he put his hand on my back. As he began to move it in soothing circles, I struggled not to lean into his touch, to take the comfort he was offering. I knew all too well that his comfort came with a price.
“I'm so sorry, baby,” he murmured. “I’m not a nice guy, Toni, but you’re the only person who makes me want to be better. Please, stay. We can talk this out. You were right. I shouldn’t be the only one making the decisions.”
Hesitantly, I looked up at him. Was it possible that he really understood the deeper issue here?
“We’ll call the FBI,” he promised.
“It’s already done.”
At the sound of another voice, both Ash and I looked up. Or, rather, down. Colton was at the bottom of the stairs, his eyes hooded and expression grim as he looked up at us.
Ash tensed.
Sensing the explosion, Colton took a couple steps up to bring him closer to us. “Toni was right. Your family's not th
e only one involved.” He ran his tongue across his teeth before he added, “I didn’t get a letter, but there was a picture of my dad shoved under the windshield wiper of the truck I drive for the plant sometimes.” He looked past us to where I knew Isadora was standing at the top of the stairs. “You don’t trust the cops, Ash, and I get that. I don’t always trust them either. But if we go running around like a bunch of kids playing junior detective, somebody will get hurt. I want my family safe. And even if you don't like me, that includes your sister.”
Isadora came down the stairs, not looking at Ash or me as she stepped around us. As she wrapped her arms around Colton, I waited. My insides felt strangely hollow, like everything had been scooped out of me.
“You’re right,” Ash said finally. “You’re all right.”
He might've said more, but the doorbell rang and we all stiffened. A moment later, Doug came to tell us that Agent Marcum was waiting for us in the main sitting room.
Ash helped me to my feet and put his hand on the small of my back as we walked down the stairs. I didn't pull away, but I didn't encourage him either. My head was still spinning from everything he'd said. I needed time to process, but I knew I didn't have it. The FBI was waiting and I needed to focus on that. Once Agent Marcum was done, I could worry about everything else.
It was a long and frustrating two hours before she finally left.
After Agent Marcum departed, Isadora and Colton quickly made themselves scarce. As they walked out, Doug came in.
He glanced at Ash, but directed his question to me. “Should I call another cab, Miss Gallagher? I sent the other away because you were busy with Agent Marcum.”
Woodenly, I stared at the floor. It was the smart thing to do, and I was supposed to be smart. Walk away. Don't look back.
“No, thank you,” I said without looking at Ash. I needed to see this through, to see if he meant anything he said.
Once the two of us were alone, however, I had to fight the urge not to change my mind. The tension between us was thick, uncomfortable, but I didn't want to be the one to break it. I wanted to know if he was willing to step forward, to take responsibility, without me feeling like I was talking him into it.
