“You liking it so far?”
Chuck laughed, and Jesse realized it was the first time he’d heard Chuck’s laugh in months. He twisted around to look at Chuck and caught him just when he was bending over to pull on his jeans. Jesse lifted his eyes to the heavens and let out a long breath, then brought his attention back to the bag in front of him.
“The kids love it,” Chuck answered. “Kam lets them take turns coaching me from the ropes on how to improve my form. I can’t say I’m improving much. Kam’s a patient guy, though. He says I bounce too much. I guess I’m too used to other sports where your feet aren’t supposed to be rooted to the ground.”
Jesse shook his head and undid the buttons on his dress shirt. “It’s not quite rooting either. More of a solid foundation for the rest of your body so you don’t lose balance when your head, torso, and arms are in motion. Think of it more like taking a photo than throwing a punch.”
Chuck was quiet for a moment, then the sound of a locker clanking shut echoed through the room. “Huh. That may actually work. You’re catching on to this fast.”
He shrugged his shirt off, stood up and hung it in the locker, keeping his back to Chuck. He didn’t know if it would be worse if he caught Chuck checking him out, or if he didn’t. They were having a civil conversation, a grown-ass man one, and Jesse needed to keep his dick in check long enough to participate fully. So he gave Chuck an honest answer. “I have a room full of great teachers.”
“I hear them talking, Jesse. I think they forget I’m around most of the time anymore, so they say things they wouldn’t with any of the coaches around. They think you’re a great teacher.”
Jesse hung his head for a moment, gathering his thoughts and getting his emotions in check. Only then did he glance at Chuck. “Thanks for that.”
Chuck was hunched over his gear bag, arranging items and not looking at Jesse at all. He stood, slid the bag over his shoulder and caught Jesse’s eyes. “I’m just sharing what I hear. I’m headed out. Have fun with the kids today—they’re in a great mood. It must be all the sun we’ve been having.”
Jesse reached out to stop Chuck as he walked by. “You know it’s not that the kids don’t realize you’re there anymore, right? It’s that they see past the camera to a man they trust behind the lens.”
Chuck didn’t pull away or acknowledge that this was the first time they’d been in physical contact in months. He simply held Jesse’s gaze. There was none of the heat that had been there before, none of the desire, but there also wasn’t anger. It was the itty-fucking-bittiest of progress, but Jesse would take it.
“Thank you for that.”
He let his hand drop. “Just telling you what I see. You have a good day too, Chuck.”
Chuck nodded, fidgeted with his strap as if he was going to say something else, then left the locker room without another word.
“Fuck,” Jesse drew out when the door shut.
Talk about forcing his best-hidden secrets right to the fucking surface of his motherfucking daily life. He’d been talking to his therapist more and more about the possibility of coming out to all the Kensington boys. He was still terrified about all of the horrible ways it could go, but he didn’t want to hide who he was anymore. They’d given him everything they could when he needed it most, and they deserved to know all of him too.
Even more, he deserved to live his life fully. Honestly.
The woman his mom had set him up with was good-looking and nice. She knew all about what had happened with Emily and about his recovery and she still wanted to see him, but he’d ended that quietly last week. There wasn’t a real spark there, no oomph, let alone the inferno that had once been him and Chuck.
Jesse was sure Chuck wasn’t an option anymore, though. If he had been, then Jesse would’ve seen some sign of interest on Chuck’s part in the last three weeks—but there’d been nothing. If Jesse was going to give living truthfully all his energy, then he needed to be open to the idea of dating guys too. He couldn’t know where that spark would come from if he didn’t live the reality that he’d always been slightly more attracted to men than to women.
He’d fucked up his chance with Chuck, but that didn’t mean his love life had to end there.
“Get your shit together,” he said to himself and finished changing.
He had no choice but for his confidence to be airtight when he was working with the Warriors. As much as they’d grown to respect him, and as much as the trust between all of them was reciprocated at the highest levels, that didn’t mean every day was easy. As he took to the floor, the energy level Chuck had alluded to was palpable. And with this group, if the coaches didn’t give a direct target for that overflow to be directed at, then they could lose control quickly.
He stepped up to Kam, who was surveying the room with a growing frown despite the smiles on all the kids’ faces.
“Think we need to take them on a run?” he asked Kam.
Kam nodded. “Or risk a revolt. You’re the marathoner in training, gather ‘em up. Let’s do this.”
Jesse whistled to get their attention and laughed when there was a round of boos when he announced just how far they’d be running. Yet everyone fell in line quickly outside, feet pounding away on the unforgiving cement sidewalk. The group wasn’t silent, but the jokes and taunts diminished the farther they got away from the club. Kam slowed his steps to move to the back of the pack and Jesse stayed at the front, falling in step with Miguel, who was, as usual, ahead of all the other runners.
“How you doing today, Miggy?”
Miguel gnawed on his lip. “I finally figured out why you look so familiar to me.”
“You did, huh?”
Miguel kept his eyes locked forward. “You’re the guy who beat up his sister’s husband.”
Jesse didn’t lose a step. He’d known this would come out eventually. “That’s me. How’d you hear about it?”
“It isn’t just old people that read the news. I want to be informed.”
“That’s a good quality to have,” he replied. “I’m guessing you’re telling me this for a reason. What do you want to know?”
Miguel glanced Jesse’s way this time. “You talked about personal boundaries before, Coach Sollie. You sure it’s okay for me to ask?”
Jesse couldn’t believe Miguel had remembered that. “I would tell you if it wasn’t okay. I trust you, Miguel.”
“You got off on the charges, right?”
“I did.”
“You regret what you did?”
Jesse kept pace with Miguel as he gathered his thoughts. “I do. My drive to protect my sister was right, but what I did to her soon-to-be-ex-husband was the wrong choice.”
Miguel swiped at his brow. “I don’t know if I’d do any different if it was my sister.”
“Protecting your family is an admirable quality. What I didn’t realize then, that I know all too well now, is that I did more damage to my family with my wrong choice than if I’d stepped back and thought about the consequences.”
“You think it’s even possible to do that?”
“What?”
“Think about the consequences when you’re in the heat of that moment.”
“You know what Coach Kam said to me when he offered me this job?” Miguel shook his head. “He said that I could have anger in my heart and power in my hands, but that neither of those needed to rule me. He was right. I’m a man and I have to own my responsibilities and my decisions.”
“Coach Kam is wise. You too, Coach Sollie.”
Jesse hid his grin by looking at his watch. “You think you can beat your best time?”
Miguel grinned and took off, calling out over his shoulder, “I got that shit wrested.”
Jesse laughed and picked up his pace.
21
Chuck leaned back in the chair in his home office, propped his feet on his desk and tapped his pen on the wood surface as he spoke into his speakerphone. “Anything else you need me to help with to make
sure your crew is taken care of while you’re here?”
On the other end of the line, Jordie chuckled. “Aren’t you turning into one welcoming motherfucker?”
Chuck grinned. “I can be hospitable when I want to be.”
“It’s good to hear you so happy, Dunn. It’s been a while. I’m looking forward to seeing it face-to-face too. I kid, but thanks for making sure all the details are set for me and my crew. We’re really looking forward to meeting all the Warriors and getting footage of their meet.”
“No thanks needed. You’re the one doing us the favor. The kids are great, you’re going to love them. But the bigger picture here is that Kam has a successful, marketable model. This documentary is going to open a lot of opportunities for new funding. We’d love to look at the possibility of opening up another site this year.”
“You’re all-in for this club.”
“I’m all-in,” he confirmed. “I’ve been turning away other work so I can focus on getting the Warriors as much exposure as they deserve.”
“Where you going to be when we land tonight? Maybe you and I can grab a drink before we have to get to business tomorrow.”
Chuck blew out a long breath. “My soccer league starts up again tonight. We should be done around nine. We usually head out to a bar in Kensington called McLoughlin’s after that.”
“I’ll text you when I get in then and meet you there.”
“Safe travels, J.”
He hung up his cell but didn’t set it down. There was one more call he had to make before he started getting ready.
“Afternoon, sugarplum!” Ben greeted him after the first ring. “I was wondering if you’d avoid calling me back. Today is D-day.”
Chuck scrubbed his hand over his stubble. “I’m kind of head-fucked.”
“Talk to me, babe. That’s what I’m here for.”
“It’s been a month of being in close proximity to him, but this is different. All the boys laid off the league stuff while Jesse was going through his shit, but now….”
“But now their testosterone levels are overflowing and it’s time to let them explode.”
Chuck snorted. “Something like that. Soccer and McLoughlin’s. With the Kensington boys and Jesse. Just like old times.”
“Except for that it’s not.”
“Not at all. Jesse and I used those league games to flirt. We always ended up back at his place after the bar. How can I go there tonight and pretend like none of that happened? Fuck, how am I going to play against him and not be…awkward about it?”
“It’s Kam’s team you’re on, right? He’s the one who knows?”
“Yeah, and when he asked me to play again he said he’d do everything he could to make it fun for me. Shit, I’m overthinking this, aren’t I?”
“You want me to come tonight? I can help take some of the pressure off. In whatever way you want.”
Chuck could hear the wink in Ben’s response. “While I’m sure that you on the sidelines would take some of the attention away from the field, I think it would make me more nervous. Nothing against you, Ben, I hope you know that.”
“I get it. My beauty would be a distraction. It’s understandable.”
“I adore you. I hope you know that too.”
“I do.”
“Thanks for being my sounding board.”
“My life is otherwise drama free right now, so this is fun.”
“Glad to be your entertainment.”
Ben giggled. “Go get dressed so you can sweat out your nervousness in a super manly way. Sports has always been your outlet, Chuck. Don’t let some ex ruin that for you. Go out there confident and make Jesse deal with it. You’re not responsible for how he feels.”
Chuck gnawed at his lip. “You think that’s what I’m worried about?”
“Please, darling. It is.”
“I don’t want to accidentally out him.”
Ben sighed. “If the other Kensington boys besides Kam didn’t catch on before, they’re not going to now.”
Chuck stood in the net and kept his eye on the teams tussling down the field. While he was much better out of the net than in it, he had to admit that Kam’s solution of how to handle tonight worked. They were already into the second half and he’d barely made eye contact with Jesse so far. Kam’s usual goalie—a lanky Kensington boy named Mark that Chuck didn’t know as well as the other guys—was more than happy to give up his spot, stating it was time to work off some of his wintertime insulation anyway.
The return of league games had brought everyone out of hibernation. Lila was on the sidelines with her twins asleep in a double stroller, screaming her head off cheering for Danny and his return to the league. She’d come in late, the so-called hellions in tow, fast asleep, and had shot Chuck a wave that he’d returned, but he didn’t know if he’d have a chance to talk to her. Most of the wives were there tonight and even the Kensington kids played off to the side of the sports dome, ecstatic about the pile of equipment the manager had let them dig into to keep them occupied for as long as the game ran.
Despite being freaked out anticipating what this first game would be like, Chuck was having a good time. It wasn’t anything like the sheer adrenaline of catching Jesse’s hungry gaze from across the field, but it was okay. More than okay. He was actually enjoying himself.
The ball soared onto his side of the field and Chuck set his hands on his knees, tracking Matt’s offensive players. Jesse was running backward, facing away from Chuck, and Chuck took a second to run his eyes over the defined lines of Jesse’s shoulders. He couldn’t have been just running to get in that good of shape—his entire torso was chiseled at this point. Chuck swallowed and refocused. Ryan kicked his leg back and sent the ball soaring toward the goal, but Chuck leaped up and deftly picked it out of the air, took two steps, and tossed it to mid-field where his team’s striker was already waiting.
“Shit, Kam,” Jesse huffed from his position by the goal, taking a breather despite play continuing. “You sure you don’t want to put Mark back in goal?”
Kam grinned and pushed Jesse away. “No way in hell. Chuck may be a better goalie than he was taking your heavy ass to the ground.”
Chuck froze and waited for Jesse to freak out over the mention of times long past, instead Jesse roared—a full belly laugh that lit up his entire face. “He always did know how best to control the beast. I’ll have to be content that he’s contained in that rectangle so I’m not having my ass handed to me all over the field. Right, Chuck?” Then Jesse turned, a wide smirk on his face.
And he winked. At Chuck.
Chuck couldn’t control the burst of red that had to be rising on his cheeks. He swiped the sweat from his upper lip. “I’m a way better ball handler than you’ll ever be, Sollie.”
Kam doubled over in laughter and Jesse shook his head, chuckling, as he trotted away.
It was almost like before. Not exactly, but close enough. Chuck felt lighter, happier. Maybe he wasn’t completely deluded to think that a friendship between him and Jesse could work.
The last half of the game passed quickly, ending with Chuck letting in three of the ten attempts on goal. Not bad for his first time playing this position in over two decades. And, like usual—as if no time had passed, and nothing had changed—the Kensington boys stood at the sideline afterward negotiating rides for the boys whose wives were heading home with kids and keeping up a relentless assault on Matt’s team and their continued losing streak.
“Hey, sugar tits,” Lila called out as she sidled up to him. He leaned down to envelop her in a hug. She held on to him, whispering in his ear, “Things okay?”
He pulled away but kept an arm around her shoulder. “Yeah. Really good.”
She patted his belly and stepped back. “That’s all I needed to hear. Danny is heading out tonight. He gets even more sarcastic when he’s drunk. Fair warning.”
“Thanks for the heads up.” He dug the keys out of his pocket, and his mood soured when he realize
d how else tonight would be different—unlike before, he wouldn’t be riding with Jesse. He couldn’t pinpoint why that realization hit him harder than some of the other reminders of old times tonight.
Lila narrowed her eyes as if she’d caught on to his shift. “You are going out with them, right?”
“Yeah. Of course.” He tried to sound okay, but his voice came out a bit more strangled than he would’ve liked. “It’s just going to be different,” he admitted. “Anyway. I have a friend coming into town tonight who’s going to meet up with me at McLoughlin’s. I’m looking forward to seeing him.”
She cocked an eyebrow. “A friend or a friend?”
“Chuckie!” someone yelled across the field.
Chuck’s head snapped up and he grinned as he caught Jordie—looking just as much like a Jersey frat boy as usual—trotting across the pitch, his arms outstretched.
“How the fuck did you find me here?” He pulled Jordie into a tight squeeze and clapped him on the back, keeping his face away from Jordie’s slick hair so he wasn’t slathered in pomade.
“Someone tagged you in a photo on Facebook. Siri led me straight here. Too bad I missed the game, I always loved watching you move across the field.”
Lila tapped Chuck on the arm. “Going to introduce me?”
Chuck smirked. He hadn’t answered her question about what type of friend Jordie was before Jordie had shown up, but he kind of liked leaving it unknown. “Lila, this is Jordie Masters.”
“If all your friends are this gorgeous, then I need to meet more of them,” she trilled and held out her hand.
Jordie grasped hers in both of his. “Oh, I like you.”
Chuck gripped the edges of Jordie’s shirt in both hands and playfully yanked him away. Jordie was a good-looking guy, and way too suave for anyone’s good—even the harmlessly flirtatious Lila. “You like your ego being stroked. Such a stereotypical Jersey boy still. So damn good to see your face.”
“Same, Chuckie. So we’re headed to that place you told me about, right? You coming out with us, Lila?”
Out of the Shade Page 24
