by Ashby, Riley
“There’s a lot I don’t understand. Except for you.”
She dodged my kiss, turning her head so my lips landed on her cheek. How often had she done that, tried to fight me off? But in the end, she was the one who came to me. Who broke me down when I would have been content to hold her and know she was breathing.
I loosened my hold enough that she could shove me off, but I only let my hands fall. I didn’t step back. I didn’t want her running out.
“I fucked up, Maddie.”
“That’s not enough. Can you undo what was done to me?” She pressed one hand on her shoulder, the other over the bandages on her stomach. “Can you undo what’s being done to my mother right now?”
That might be what broke us more than anything else.
“You know I can’t. But that doesn’t mean I’ll ever stop trying.”
Her lips twitched. “Take me back there now. I want my mom.”
“That’s not going to happen. Because I love you too much to put you at risk every again.”
She was frozen in shock until I grabbed her, pulled her close, and kissed her again. This time, I didn’t let her push me away. I held her head fast in my hands as she beat at my shoulders my back, my head, but always avoiding my bruised arm. And always, always, kissing me back, pressing her mouth to me so angrily I could feel us bruising even as we kissed. When I released her and reached for her shorts she bit her nails into my shoulders and neck as she lifted herself off the dresser, helping me disrobe her entirely, even though didn’t make any move to assist me. She kept pushing at me so I had to hold her against me with my right arm, bicep still bruised and hand still very much sore and broken, and yank at my trousers with one hand. But in moments I had them undone and was kicking them across the room. I pushed her back as hard as I dared, but she wrapped her arms around my neck again and clutched herself against me.
“Saying that won’t get you out of this. I won’t forgive you.”
“You’ve said that before.”
“I mean it this time.”
She’d never fought me like this before, not even when I attacked her back at my house. But I remembered what she’d said to me after, as we waited for the car that would take us to the party where I finally got her to kiss me.
If I’d thought I had been captivated by her before, that evening had sealed the deal. I’d thought at best she would freeze like a dead fish beneath my touch; at worst, I expected a slap. But she hadn’t done either of those things. She opened her mouth and kissed me back, returned the affection I’d been craving so badly since the day I came home from school to find the only woman I’d ever called ‘Mother’ gone, and my father in the worst rage I’d ever seen. Madeline had kissed me back, and it was the first time I ever thought the woman I was kissing actually felt something for me beyond lust for my body or greed over the zeroes in my bank account. Even though she was afraid of me, even though I’d been nothing but cruel to her, she’d already reached inside my chest and wrapped every perfect finger around my heart. But instead of ripping it out, as she would have been justified to do, she helped it continue to beat. Even when I tried to stop it myself.
“You asked me for something once.” I held her face in my hands, elbows holding her back from launching at me. “Do you remember what it was?”
“To let me go?” She paused, holding my wrists tightly, ready to spring back into action at any moment. “To leave me the fuck alone? To never speak to me again?”
“To admit what I did.”
Her nostrils flared at the memory. “I didn’t ask you. I ordered you.”
“And I didn’t listen. Because I’m a bastard, Maddie, both literally and figuratively. But damn if I won’t spend the rest of my life trying to earn the right to stand next to you for a moment longer.”
Her nails dug into my skin, pressing on the scars that marked the first time I’d tried to end my life, the event that brought her mother back into my life—and subsequently, Madeline herself. At the time, I believed my life couldn’t get any worse than it was. I was wrong. Because the worst was coming back to Shawn’s empty apartment, the kicked in door, the melted freezer dinner leaking across the countertop showing me how badly I’d failed the woman who made my heart whole.
“And how do you think you’re going to do that?”
I traced one thumb over the curve of her cheek. The words that were about to come out of my mouth, I’d only uttered to two people more a decade. With Conrad, they never worked. All I could do was hope that she would be kinder than him. With Madeline, she’d been either too drunk to notice, or too angry to care. If she couldn’t accept them from me now, I didn’t know what the next step would be. How either of us could move forward.
“I’m sorry.”
For an eternity, the only sound was her breathing as she struggled to internalize my words. She looked at me as if I’d spoken a different language. And then, with a sharp inhale, she screamed.
I winced at the noise but didn’t let her go even as she started to fight me once more, teeth digging into my shoulder, fingers grasping my hair. I froze our fight as much as I could, holding her though she continued to struggle. I had to get this out. She deserved to hear it all.
“I’m sorry I left you.” I held her tight, her blows and bites not scaring me in the slightest. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I tried to rape you.”
“God damn you, Meyer.” She kissed me so hard our teeth clacked. I let her go, she stopped fighting me, and I crawled on top of the dresser with her, between her legs, letting one hand go where my cock wanted to be and finding her still unaroused. It hadn’t all been for show, the fighting.
“I’m sorry,” I murmured into her mouth, my fingers light against her pussy lips as they parted. I put one finger against her clit and pressed, earning me a light gasp.
“Say it again,” she said. Her hips lifted to meet me, begging for more. I began to rub at the same time I dipped my fingers lower, to her entrance.
“I’m sorry.”
“Again.”
I slipped one finger inside. She was coming to me now, her wetness growing as I rubbed and thrust. Her head dipped back away from me, exposing her throat. I dragged my teeth down the length of it before speaking.
“I’m sorry.”
“Once more.”
I kissed the hollow between her collarbones.
“I’m so fucking sorry.”
“Now love me.”
I slid back off the dresser and jerked her toward me, legs hanging off the edge briefly before she hooked them on my hips and brought me into her. And, God, it was the balm I needed. She fit around me just the way I remembered, clinging tight, and began to thrust. Her back arched, breasts thrust into the air. I grabbed a handful with one hand while the other held her hips, kept her from sliding as we began to move faster and faster.
“Wait,” I gasped, pulling out and grabbing her by the hips. “Not yet.” She followed my lead as I pushed her toward the bed, falling onto her back and watching with lips slightly parted as I kicked off my clothes completely and fell to my knees before her. I had to do more than fuck her. I needed to show her just how much she meant to me, how much I regretted what I’d done and what had happened to her as a result. I needed to worship her like the goddess she was, the rescuer that came into my life and revealed a way for me to live rather than simply waiting to die. I grabbed her hips again, fingers pressing into soft, hot flesh turning white beneath my pressure, and pressed my face against her wet core as if it contained all the oxygen left in the world.
“Fuck,” she gasped, one foot wedging against my shoulder as she grabbed the mattress behind her for leverage.
“That’s what I needed,” I whispered, drawing my tongue up her smooth folds and lapping up the wetness that tasted better than any liquor, calmed me more than any self-harming ritual. “I’ll stay here forever if that’s what you want.” My tongue caressed her clit, fingers holding tighter as she twitched with every stroke.
“I just wanted you.” Her voice broke further with every word. I leaped to my feet and leaned over her, kissing her lips, letting her taste herself briefly before pulling back to look her in the eye.
“Damn if I don’t know it, Maddie. You deserve better. But I’m not letting you go to anyone else, so I’ll have to try harder.” I fell back between her legs before she could respond and then she couldn’t speak at all. One hand went to my cock to stroke myself as she writhed underneath me, her fingers running through my hair and then pulling tightly when I found a stroke she liked. I still had so much I needed to learn about her, what made her twitch harder than anything else; if she liked to make love in the mornings or at night; what kind of drink she preferred when she wasn’t trying to black out in order to avoid talking to me.
Her toes curled against my shoulder as she came, moaning loud and long in the shitty hotel room where I’d hidden us. “I love you so much,” she whimpered. “I told you and you left me.”
I licked up the last of her cum and stood, lifting her hips so I could slide back inside before bending over and pressing my chest against hers.
“I know, baby. I fucked up so bad.”
“You won’t go again?” She wanted so badly to believe me; I could see it in her eyes, feel it in the grip of her fingernails against my neck. I thrust my hips; she locked her ankles behind my back.
“I swear.” Every kiss was was an unbreakable seal on that promise; I would die if I betrayed her trust again. I rolled to my back and pulled her on top of me, giving her the power even as I grabbed her hips and moved her over me. My eyes focused on every cut and scrape, the bruises that acted as evidence of my failure to be the kind of man she deserved, but she grabbed my face and pulled my eyes back to hers.
“Stay with me,” she said. “Look right here.”
We couldn’t both be focusing on what I’d done wrong if we wanted to move forward together. No matter what, we had to be in this together.
“I do love you. You know that right?”
She kissed me at the same time her body clenched around mine, and I couldn’t kiss her back for the gasp that caught my breath.
“I’ve known that for awhile, Meyer. You just had to figure it out for yourself.”
I couldn’t stand it anymore. I flipped her on her back again, held her hands above her head, and fucked her like the world was falling down around us. Every stroke brought me closer and closer, until I was finally falling over the edge and there was no hope of pulling myself back up. At the last second I remembered her bag on the floor of Shawn’s apartment, the small packet of white pills spilling out of it, and jerked out of her just cum started to spray from the tip of my dick. She arched her back, breasts rising to meet the spray, white splattering across her bruised and broken skin.
Easing to the side, I fell to my elbow on the mattress next to her and traced my finger through my cum.
“M-E-Y-E-R,” I spelled out.
She laughed as her head dropped back on the pillow. It was the first happy sound she’d made in a long time.
“We get it, big man, I’m yours.”
“I want it tattooed on every inch of your body.” I kissed her lips lightly before pulling her into a hug, tucking her head underneath my chin as we caught our breath on the filthy bedspread. I thought about leaving a note to housekeeping for them to burn it when we left.
My fingers skated over her bruised shoulder. I’d need to stop for some numbing lotion tomorrow once we got on the road. Maybe a cold pack, too.
“Do you think this place has an ice machine? You need something for this shoulder.”
“I’ll be okay. Don’t go.”
I closed my eyes as I breathed in the scent of her hair. She hadn’t used her normal shampoo for a week, but she still smelled like her.
“Never again,” I whispered, pulling her closer even though the pressure lit up bruises for both of us. “I promise.”
Maddie
He held me on the bed, body nearly entirely on top of mine, arms wrapped around me and his face pressed into my hair. It was too hot in the room, worked up as we were from the sex, but I couldn’t disentangle myself from him if I wanted to. Our sweat and his cum on my stomach stuck us together; every time one of us shifted our skin stretched before sliding back into place. He wiggled one of his knees between my legs and pressed his thigh against my core.
It felt good to laugh earlier, when he traced his fingers along my stomach, but the feeling was fading now. There was a limit to how far the endorphins from amazing sex could carry me. Meyer was doing his best to distract me, but it wasn’t going to work.
He breathed deeply, air stirring my hair and pulling me fully back to the present. “We could—”
“Don’t say it,” I muttered. “We can’t stay here. We have to keep moving.” We have to go back. I wasn’t leaving the state without my mom. I’d get back there one way or another, with or without him.
“Not to Conrad’s house.” His voice was muffled against the pillow; his breath hot on my scalp.
Goddammit, when did we start reading each other’s minds like this? I couldn’t sneak out if he knew what I was planning. Certainly not while we were wrapped up like this. Panic and anxiety were trying to seep back into my bones, but I couldn’t let myself fall apart. Meyer’s help would be crucial if I wanted to succeed, and to get him to agree to help me, I had to appeal to his emotional side. The one I’d finally managed to uncover. If he loved me, he loved her too. He couldn’t let her suffer under his father, not if he really thought about it.
“She’s my mother, Meyer. She’s your mother.”
He sighed and dipped his head, kissing my shoulder, before rolling to his side. He left one hand on my stomach. “She made a sacrifice for your freedom. I didn’t ask her to do that, by the way. No one did. She showed up on her own. I didn’t even know she was there until she offered herself up.”
My stomach clenched at the thought of my mother back in the hands of that monster, this time with no way out ever. I couldn’t fathom the strength it must have taken to give herself up like that. How scared she must be now. Did she regret her sacrifice, or was she still convinced I was worth it? And what was my father doing, without her or me around?
“Where is my dad?”
“Just across the border in Canada. I spoke with him while we drove. He’s waiting for us. I think he plans to make sure you’re safe and then sneak down there to try and get your mom back. I called a private security firm to keep an eye on him, keep him from doing anything stupid.”
I swallowed back my protest of that. It was harsh to keep my parents apart, but at least he was safe. Meyer tore down all his walls for me. I had no doubt my dad would do the same, and probably get himself killed in the process, just to see my mom again. He didn’t know how dangerous Conrad was, not really. Mom and I could join him up there once I had her back. Meyer, too, if he’d come.
But what would I do if he wouldn’t? I was going to need reinforcements.
“Shawn will help us.”
Meyer blinked rapidly, then rubbed his forehead.
“No, he won’t.”
“Why would you say that? He’s been a champion this whole—”
“Shawn’s dead, Maddie.”
I pushed onto my elbow, leaning over him.
“What did you just say?”
“I came to talk to Conrad the first fucking day he took you. He wanted to come inside with me, but I convinced him I should go alone. Someone choked him out then cut his wrists while he waited for me in his car.”
“Jesus.” I snuggled closer to him, wrapping one arm around his chest. “What did you do—”
“With my best friend’s body?” He snorted. “Cleaned him and left him in a ditch.” His voice turned defensive. “It was the best I could do without bringing the police to the door or implicating myself. I left him somewhere he’d be found quickly, so his family will get to bury him.”
I rubbed my hand across his skin sooth
ingly. “You did the best you could.” I gave him shit for leaving me so long but he’d tried, right from the start, then had to deal with the death of his best friend. I was lucky he didn’t make another attempt on his own life. I sat up again, swinging my legs over the side of the bed and walking toward the bathroom. “Let’s get clean.”
“Your ass looks fine as hell.”
I snorted as I turned on the shower, then raised my voice to be heard over the water. “We’re on the run, Meyer. There’s no time for flirting.”
His hands landed on my hips, and I jumped a bit when his teeth met my shoulder. I didn’t even hear him get off the bed. “There’s time for everything now. We have our whole lives ahead of us.”
My eyelids fell shut as I stepped into the water and let it fall on my face, savoring the heat before Meyer reached around me and twisted it back to a more lukewarm temperature.
“I’m not leaving without her.”
“I know.”
We washed in silence, hotel soap swirling down the drain along with our sweat and blood. I kept my eyes closed as much as I could, not trusting myself to look at him. What did he want? Did that mean he was going with me to get her back?
“But I’ll take you, kicking and screaming, if that’s what it takes.”
I bit back tears as I turned off the water and stepped onto the cold tile. “You should have left me there if this was what you were going to do.”
“I told you, I wasn’t going to live with that mistake any longer than I had to. I’m not letting you go again. I don’t care if it makes you hate me.”
I jerked the cheap plastic hotel comb roughly through my hair. It snapped in two, and I slammed the pieces down on the counter. “Of course you care.”
He threw up his hands. “Fine, I do. But what else can I say, Madeline? I barely got you out of there safe. Look at you! You’re covered in bruises and bites and carved up like a goddamn Jack-O-Lantern. It makes me sick to think of what would have happened if your mom hadn’t shown up when she did.”
