by Kaylee Ryan
Reaching out, her hand rests against my cheek. “I wish I could give in to this, Gav. More than you know, but there’s too much at stake. Not to mention…” She swallows, her eyes boring into mine. I wait, letting her collect her thoughts. “You’re my best friend, Gavin. The thought of losing you terrifies me more than that damn arch.”
“I promise you, you’ll never lose me,” I say. My eyes are locked on hers, willing her to see the truth in my words.
Her gaze searches mine, then lands on my mouth. When they flick back up, I can see it. Something’s changed, something so incredible that I can hardly believe it. I’m not sure I even dare to.
Then she says, “Let’s do it.” Her voice shakes, and I fight the elation I suddenly feel. I’m about to lean in to kiss her when she continues. “I need to live a little. Let’s go up in the arch.” Her eyes are lit with excitement, and I try not to let my disappointment show. “You think they’re still open?”
I control my reaction, focusing on her eagerness instead of the crazy beat of my heart. “Only one way to find out,” I say, reaching for my seat belt. Glancing over at her, I see she’s done the same. Punching the address into my phone, we start the short drive that will take us back to the arch. I know it’s crazy to feel rejected as her refusal is not new, but my heart fractures a little, and I’m no longer convinced anything will ever change. I hate that she feels this, wants us to happen as badly as I do but won’t give in. I loathe that she fights it.
What will it take to get her to see she’s all I want?
I feel terrible. I saw the way his face lit up, the smile that he was fighting to contain, and then I finished what I was saying, and the happiness gave way to disappointment. I hate it, but I’m not brave enough to change it. I meant what I said. We’re friends, and I don’t want that to change. The unknown and the worry keep me holding my ground. I want him. They say close friends become the best partners, but that’s a risk I can’t take. Not with the responsibilities of taking care of my mom. I won’t risk losing my means to do that just to satisfy my heart. I’ll make the sacrifice.
“You sure you’re up for this?” he asks, pulling into the parking lot of the arch.
“No.” I smile. “But I want to. I need to overcome this fear. I mean, there were kids doing it so I can do this.” I steel my resolve and climb out of the SUV.
Gavin meets me in front of the SUV and laces his fingers through mine. “I’ll be right there with you, Cass. I promise you if I thought it wasn’t safe, no way would I let you go up in that thing.” He points to the arch.
His words melt my heart in typical Gavin style. I nod. “Let’s do this before I chicken out and change my mind.”
We head toward the ticket booth, and the crowds that were here earlier are gone. The sun is setting over the river. “Two please,” Gavin says.
“You made it just in time,” the older gentleman tells us. “Nothing like the view at sunset.” He hands us our tickets and instructs us to head down the steps toward the elevator.
“Looks like it’s just going to be us.” Gavin places his hand on the small of my back and leads me into the elevator, if you can even call it that. It’s a tiny little space with seats, and it looks more like a tube.
“Just us,” I say, trying to sound a hell of a lot more confident than I feel.
“I’m right here.” He guides me to sit next to him. His arm wraps around my shoulders and he pulls me into his chest. “I’ve got you. Just breathe, baby.”
If I weren’t already freaking the hell out, and trying not to show it, I would be freaking out from his term of endearment. He doesn’t address me with them often, but when he does, it makes my heart flutter in my chest. Just like when he calls me Cass. Sure, other people have shortened my name, but no one says it the way he does.
The door closes, and we immediately begin to move. My knees bounce up and down, my palms sweat, and my heart races. I can’t believe I’m doing this.
“Hey.” Gavin uses the hand that’s not wrapped around me to gently grasp my chin and turns me to face him. “I’m right here. We’re fine. Just take a deep breath.” He waits for me to suck in a gulp of air, but instead of releasing it, I hold it. “Breathe, baby. You have to breathe for me. Damn it, I should have never let you do this.” He turns in his seat to face me. Both of his hands cup my face. “Cass, baby, you have to breathe. We’re okay, I promise.” His voice is pleading.
I nod, and let out a gush of air, only to suck in another gulp. I feel like I might be hyperventilating, but I can’t gather myself to tell him, to calm the hell down.
“Please,” he whispers. “I need you to breathe.” When I don’t, he mutters something, then leans in and presses his lips to mine. I’m so shocked I gasp, which just gives him the opportunity to slide his tongue past my lips. Slowly, his tongue explores my mouth while his hands tenderly hold my face, holding me close to him. Suddenly, all I can think about is that this is our first kiss. Sure, there have been pecks on the cheek, he’s kissed my temple, my forehead, my hands, even the corner of my mouth, but this, this is the first time his lips have been fully pressed to mine. The first time we’ve tasted each other. There’s a hint of mint and something that I assume is solely Gavin. When he pulls away, I want to protest. Instead, I open my eyes and find him staring back at me.
“That’s better,” he whispers. With one more quick peck to my lips, he stands, offering me his hands, and I realize we’ve made it to the top. When the doors open, it’s like a long hallway with rows of windows. It’s deserted. “Come take a look,” he says, guiding me, our fingers laced together to the row of windows facing the river.
“Wow,” I breathe. The sun is setting on the horizon and the view is spectacular. Swirls of orange, blue, purple, and gold fill the evening sky. The remnants of the sun are casting a shimmer over the river. “Beautiful,” I whisper.
“Yes.” He steps up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist.
I know I should step away, but I can’t seem to find it in me to do it. Instead, I lean back, resting my head against his chest. “I would have missed this,” I say. My words have a double meaning. The sunset at this level is spectacular, but nothing compares to the warmth, the security of having his arms wrapped around me. My lips are still burning from his kiss. I can still taste him, and it would have been a damn shame to have never experienced any of it.
“How do you feel?” His hot breath is next to my ear.
“Better.” I don’t tell him that wrapped in his arms with the taste of him still on my lips the fear has diminished. “I’m just not really looking down.” I chuckle. “Keeping my eyes on the sunset.” We stand here, gazing out at the Crayola sky, his arms tight around me, my head resting back against his chest for what feels like hours.
“What time do they close?” I ask as the sun falls farther into the horizon.
“Not sure.”
I turn in his arms, placing my hand on his shoulders. He pulls me close, his hands resting on my hips. “Thank you, Gavin. I’m sorry I freaked out.”
His eyes soften.
He leans in.
His lips meld with mine.
Lost.
I get lost in him and the feel of his mouth against mine. He traces my lips with his tongue, and I open for him. Without hesitation. I’m not sure what’s come over me, but I can’t fight him right now. Not with my emotions raw from fear and from being here with him wrapped around me, the scenery, all of it. I can’t fight it.
We kiss until we hear a throat clearing, letting us know our time is up, that this bubble we’re in is no longer floating. Gavin rests his forehead against mine. “Better than I imagined.”
“You imagined me freaking out?” I ask, trying to lighten the mood.
“No.” His lips replace his forehead as he kisses it tenderly. “I’ve imagined kissing you, hundreds, no, make that thousands, possibly millions of times, and I can report that nothing I imagined could be better than the real thing.”
�
��I’m sorry, but we’re closing,” the attendant says after clearing his throat once again.
With a heavy sigh, Gavin pulls away, laces his fingers through mine, and guides us to the elevator. The attendant joins us, and this time, I don’t panic. My legs bounce up and down, but the warmth of his hand in mine keeps the panic at bay. Maybe it’s the phantom feel of his lips against mine, but whatever it is, the ride down is quick and without drama on my part. Gavin leads me to the SUV and opens my door for me. He waits until I’m buckled in before closing the door and racing to the other side.
“You hungry?” he asks.
“Not really. I’m still stuffed from our late lunch.”
“I’m thinking about swinging through a drive-through and grabbing something. I’ll get a little extra in case you change your mind.” Reaching over, he laces his fingers through mine, and I contemplate pulling away, but can’t seem to find the strength. I can pretend this is real, that this is us and our new reality just a little bit longer.
I pull into the lot of the hotel and shut off the engine. I don’t want to get out of the vehicle. I don’t want whatever magic that was cast upon us today to end. She let me kiss her. She kissed me back. I’ve held on to her hand the whole journey, only letting go to pay for our food. I don’t know what any of this means, and I feel like a pussy for even thinking that way, but this is Cassidy, and I want her. I crave her. I don’t know how I’m going to pull back now that I’ve tasted her.
“Ready?” she asks. Her eyes are bright and her smile is, too. She’s trying to act unaffected, but I can see it in her eyes. She’s worried, which means any hope of continuing what we started in that arch is out of the question.
“Yeah.” I reach for the bag of food I set down on the back seat and climb out.
She’s waiting for me at the front of the vehicle, her hands in her pockets. Locked out, just as I thought. “That smells good,” she says, nodding toward the bag in my hands.
“Best late-night meal ever.” I hold up the Taco Bell bag. She laughs, and the sound washes over me. I want to wrap my arm around her and pull her close more than anything, but her body language tells me no. Instead, I settle for walking close to her, my shoulder brushing against her as we walk through the automatic doors of the hotel. Once we’re in the elevator, she pushes the button for our floor and leans against the wall. “Tired?” I ask her.
“A little.”
She doesn’t give me much, and I know her well enough to understand that she’s in her head bitching at herself for letting things go as far as they did. I don’t say anything. Instead, I choose to watch her as she closes her eyes and relaxes her stance. She’s gorgeous. I could stare at her all day, all night, and never want to look away. I can still remember the day I met her for the first time. She was following that fuckwad Jones around. Her hair, the long locks of thick curls and those eyes—I was captivated by her. Back then, I was more worried about quantity over the quality of women. Slowly, my bandmates, my brothers started settling down, and quantity was no longer as appealing.
I remember watching Kacen struggle with wanting Logan. At first, I didn’t understand it. Then I came to know her and witnessed the two of them together. That’s when I knew I wanted what they had. Next came Cole and Stacy, which was a sight to see… to watch him fall for her…. We all thought he would be the last to settle down. Now they have baby Riley who’s just a few weeks old, and they couldn’t be happier. Then Tristan set his sights on Lauren, and we got baby Zach in the process. Fuck, but I love that kid. I love all their kids, but Zach, he and I bonded when he was born, letting Tristan be with Lauren. It was touch and go for both of them for a while, and Tristan couldn’t be in two places at once. So, I stayed in the nursery with the baby while he stayed with his wife. He’s my little dude. I hope that when I have kids, they’re like him. Hopefully, that can be sooner rather than later. I want all our kids to grow up together like we did. If only I could get Cass on board. She’s the only one I can see myself settling down with. I can picture it so clearly, our kids. A little girl with all Cass’s blonde curls. The elevator doors slide open, and shaking myself out of my thoughts, I follow Cassidy to our room. She pulls her key out and opens the door.
“I’m going to go take a shower,” she calls over her shoulder, not bothering to look back at me.
I set the Taco Bell bag down on the table and decide a shower is exactly what I need. I need to relieve the tension, and my cock is aching from our earlier encounter. I would much rather it be her instead of my hand that’s offering the relief, but I’m not complaining. I’ll take any piece of her, any chance to hold or kiss her that she’ll give me. In time, I just hope I can win her over.
In my room, I strip down, turn the shower to hot and let the steam fill the room. My mind immediately goes to Cassidy, who’s also currently naked and wet, just across the suite. Mere feet away from me. My cock is steel from the thought alone. Climbing under the spray, my hands rest against the wall while I hang my head, letting the hot water rain down on me. I wish I knew what to do. What I could do or say to prove to her that us being together is okay.
No longer able to take it, I fist my cock and squeeze, stroking from root to tip. I can still taste her, can still feel the curve of her body, her warmth wrapped in my arms. I stroke faster, harder as images of her naked, wet body flash through my mind. I’ve never seen it, but I’ve seen her in some tight clothing and last summer she was at a barbecue at Kacen’s. She wore this tiny little purple bikini that brought out her sapphire eyes. It took Herculean effort to keep my eyes and hands off her. I wanted nothing more than to drag her into the pool house, or the bathroom, or fuck… to the side of the house, anywhere away from prying eyes and rub my hands all over her sexy body.
That image does it. I lose control, biting down on my lip to keep from calling out her name. Then again, maybe if she heard me…? Resting my forehead against the wall, I catch my breath. My cock is sated for now, but my heart still yearns for her.
Turning off the shower, I dry off and grab a pair of gym shorts, I don’t bother with underwear as I’m going to bed soon anyway. I wander out to the living area and find Cass unloading the bag of tacos.
“Hungry?” I ask. She looks up, her cheeks turning a pale shade of pink. It’s easy to see with her wet hair piled up on top of her head.
“They smell so good.” She smiles, glancing away.
“There’s plenty,” I say, grabbing two bottles of water from the fridge and handing her one. Silently, we eat, neither one of us willing to break the ice and talk about today. I don’t want to talk about it because I don’t want to hear her tell me it was a mistake. I’m sure her reasoning for silence is similar and she doesn’t want to hear me tell her it wasn’t. We’re at an impasse.
“Thank you for today,” she says softly. “It was nice to hang out with you.”
Nice.
Nice is the weather we had.
Nice is this room we’re in.
Today was more than nice. “Just nice?” I ask before I can stop myself.
“Gavin.” My name falls from her lips, those luscious lips that were pressed against mine not long ago.
“You were in my arms, Cass. I was holding you, kissing you. That is a hell of a lot better than nice. Extraordinary is more like it.”
“You’re right,” she agrees. “But, Gavin, you know we shouldn’t have crossed that line.”
“I disagree. I think we should have and we should do it again, very soon. Nothing has ever felt as right as you in my arms when we watched that sunset. Nothing, Cassidy.”
She closes her eyes as if trying to avoid me and my truth. Reaching out, I lace her fingers with mine. I wish she was looking at me, but I know she can hear me. She can hide for now. “I want you, Cass. This isn’t just a mission to get my dick wet.” Her eyes widen and her breathing accelerates. “I enjoy spending time with you. We both enjoy the simpler things in life, like that sunset we watched earlier. I can see us going to festivals, enjo
ying the bands, sampling the food.”
A small smile tilts her lips. This is something we both enjoy and have done as a group, but never just the two of us. Tomorrow will be a first, and I can’t wait for it to just be the two of us.
“I see us lasting. I want you for more than one night.”
Her eyes flutter open. “Gavin, this is so hard for me. You’re amazing, and I know there are millions of women who would give anything to be sitting here with you. I feel it. I feel the connection, the way my hand tingles when entwined with yours. The flurry of desire anytime you’re even in the same room with me. I feel it all, Gavin. But I need my job. You know this. It’s important to me. My mom depends on it. We struggled. There were days when we didn’t know where our next meal was coming from. Mom busted her ass to keep a roof over our heads, gave up so much to give me all she could.”
A tear slides down her cheek, making me feel like a tool for pushing her. “I’m sorry,” I say, wiping at her cheek with my thumb.
She laughs humorlessly. “Don’t be sorry. Never be sorry for being honest and open. Saying no to you, turning away from this… desire that I feel for you is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I’ve lived through some rough times, and they pale in comparison to how much it hurts my heart saying no to you.”
Sliding out of my chair, I drop to my knees. In one quick move, I have her chair pushed back, and I’m between her legs, my hands on her hips. “Trust it, baby. Trust what you feel, trust me to be there for you.”
“I’m sorry, I just… can’t. I can’t risk her care. Not after everything she sacrificed for me. I can’t.”
I nod. Leaning in, I rest my head in her lap, and she immediately runs her fingers through my hair. We fit, like two pieces of a puzzle. She feels it, wants it even, but she’s scared. I need to work harder, stop hiding, and put it out there. She needs to know she’s all I see, that I want only her. I would never pressure her into anything, although my heart pleads for me to. I just have to do better at showing her that this isn’t a game to me; it’s not the chase I want. I just want her.
