by Tammi Lynn
Silence. Complete silence except the noise from the tv. Both of us are quiet. I feel her breathing slow and look down to see she’s fallen asleep. She looks so pretty and more relaxed in her sleep. After about ten more minutes of holding her I hear my bedroom door open and light from the hallway spill into the room in a wide band, before quickly going smaller. Mom. She leaves the door open a crack and I hear her bedroom door close seconds later, leaving us as we are. She could probably tell we both needed this. I didn’t even know I needed this.
I soon relax and fall asleep with her in my arms, and a ton of questions in my head. Namely, why do I feel like I could stay like this forever?
Chapter Sixteen
Searching For Secrets
Jesse
“Miklo, I know it sucks man, but you’ve gotta pull yourself out of this funk.” It’s been a week since Andie moved to Montana, two since she was in the hospital, and Lil Man has been mopey and quiet ever since. Very unlike the happy go lucky Miklo I’ve come to know. I love this kid and it’s killing me to see him so down. He gets out of school, goes to baseball practice, comes home and plays video games till it’s dinner time then goes to bed. He missed a few morning runs this past week too, to sleep in. Baseball season just ended with his last game yesterday which was Friday, and we’ve all been a little worried about him. Him and Mia. She has something she’s not telling us, ever since she fainted at the hospital she’s been almost as quiet and to herself as her baby boy. Maybe she’s just hurting for him? I don’t think it’s that though.
“I know Jesse, it just sucks. Her and Killian are the best friends I’ve ever had. What if I never see her again?” Fuck, I can’t even imagine losing one of my best friends. They’re my brothers and except for Roman, I met them at just a little older than Miklo is now. Twenty years later and I still see them all the time. I think there was even more to this though. I could see the affection he had for Andie and how protective he was.
“You’ll get to see her again, and you guys can always call and text.”
“It’s not the same. I already know how it goes, I’ve moved enough times to even count." Right then and there I make a vow to do everything I can to make sure Sammamish, Washington was their last move. "We’ll stay in touch for a little while and then she’ll make new friends and I’ll be busy here and then nothing, just another past friend I might not always remember.” His eyes close as if he’s picturing her in his head now. Poor kid, I could tell he was starting to like her more than a friend too. Him and Killian both, instead of her following them around they started following her. Well, to be honest I think Killian has been following them both. I see a lot since I’m around them the most. They let me into their inner circle sometimes. I’m actually gonna miss the little shit too, that little girl is sharp and quick, she was always helping Miklo come up with ways to prank me back after I got them.
“Well hopefully this will help a little. You always have me Lil Man, anytime you need to talk.” I had Roman’s dad growing up, and I wish I could be that figure for Miklo.
“Thanks, Jesse.” He smiles at me from the passenger side of my jeep. “So where are we going again?” His eyebrow raises and I swear he looks so much like his mom sometimes. You know, the boy version.
“I didn’t say, but we’re here now.” Trying to think of something that would get his adrenaline up and the smile back on his face I pulled him out of bed at noon and made him get dressed for the day. Driving into Tukwila, I’ve just pulled into Skyart Indoor Racing.
“Go Karts? Shit yeah, Jesse.” We have a standing agreement, I won’t get on him about cursing as long as he doesn’t do it around his mom. Hell, I’ve been cussing since I was younger than him and I like that he can feel comfortable enough with me to be himself. I didn’t just gain Mia when they moved in but I gained a little buddy too. Never thought I’d feel so close to a kid that wasn’t mine. Not counting Emma of course, I held that baby girl when she fit in just my two hands.
“Fuck yeah. Time to get a little speed in your blood so you can leave everything behind you for a little while. It rained yesterday so there’s no way your mom would let you on your bike, so I figured this was the next best option.” We get out of the truck and head into the warehouse size building.
“Hey Jesse? Do you know what’s wrong with Mom?” Good fucking question.
“I was actually hoping you might know.”
“I caught her crying like three times this past week.” She’s been crying? She hasn’t let any of us see that. What the fuck?
“What did she say?” If she hasn’t said anything to us maybe she’s told him.
“Nothing, I didn’t let her know I saw and she’d pretend that nothing was wrong, just smile at me and try talking to me about school or baseball. I know my mom though man, something is really bothering her. Everything okay with her and all of you?” I know he doesn’t even want to think there is a possibility of it being because of us, but he still has to ask. I understand, he’s protective of her, until us he was basically the man of the house all his life.
“Not that I know of. We’ll figure it out later though, for now let’s just have a little fun.” We walk to the counter to pay and get our helmets and he looks lost in thought. I mainly brought him out to distract him and get him out of the house, but I was hoping he might be able to talk too, to help him get out all that’s been bothering him.
“Jesse? What if something’s really wrong with her? I mean this all started after the hospital.” Well fuck, she’d say something right? Yeah, of course she would. But what if he’s right? I don’t even want to think about something ever happening to her. She’s become like a drug I’ve become addicted to, and I'm always looking for my next fix, my next smile or kiss.
“If there was I’m sure she’d say something, at least to you.” We’ll have to get it out of her.
We stay there for a couple of hours, just going round and round the tracks. He’s actually a really good driver and a fast little fucker. He beat me every time until we just started driving for fun. Before we started he told me a story about how when he was younger, like around seven years old, they lived in his Mom’s little home mining town. It’s small and surrounded by hills and off roads. She used to take him out for drives and picnics in the hills, letting him sit on her lap and steer their truck on the bumpy dirt roads. He has a lot of good memories with her and I love hearing about them. Makes me think of my own mom, I know their bond is stronger, but my mom was always there for me no matter what.
My arms hurt from gripping the wheel so tight going around the corners and Miklos’ smile is almost fully back by the time we’re finished, it makes me feel good to know I helped in bringing a little of it back. We make sure to get ice cream on our way home. Mia loves ice cream as much as chocolate and we make sure to grab her a butterfinger blizzard to-go. Maybe that’ll get her spirits up.
When we get to the house and get out of the jeep, Miklo comes around and gives me a hug. I’m not talking any side or bro hug, or a pat on the back, but he throws his arms around me and squeezes tight. “Thank you for today Jesse, I needed this.”
Trying not to get all choked up I squeeze him back. “Anytime, Lil Man, you need anything, to talk, to shoot some hoops, or just to get away for a little bit, I’m here for you.” Fucking A, this kid has me about to cry. Is this what it would be like to be a dad? I wish he was my kid. Letting him go I take a step back. “Why don’t you take your moms ice cream into her before it melts? I’ll be over later, just have a few things to take care of.” I need to talk to the guys.
“Okay, see you later, thanks again Jesse.”
“Later, Lil Man.”
He heads to their house while I go into ours. I’m hoping at least one of the guys are here and I'm surprised when I walk in to find all three on the couch watching tv. Wow, none of them are next door? That’s even more unusual, especially for Cade. Walking over I fall back into the couch.
“Hey Jess, how’d it go with Miklo?” Rom
an looks from the tv over at me.
“Good. He’s gonna be fine after some time. Well, that is if everything is okay with Mia too.”
“What do you mean?” Jayson leans forward intense eyes on me while Cade turns the Tv off, his focus no longer on the screen.
“Have any of you guys seen her crying lately? Or has she told you anything you haven’t shared yet?”
“No. What the fuck man, she’s been crying? I know she’s been a little off, but with the drama from last week and Andie I thought it was because of that.” Cade stands up and starts pacing, clenching and unclenching his fists, no doubt wondering if he’s missed anything, like I am.
“It all started after the incident at the hospital. Miklo is worried something might be really wrong and she’s just not saying anything.” Oh god, I hope it’s nothing serious. I can’t lose her. I can’t lose any of my family. “What if it’s something serious?”
Roman wipes his hair from his forehead and places his head in his palms. “Fuck, she said she wasn’t feeling good and wanted to take a nap. That’s why we’re all over here, to give her some peace and quiet.”
“Well then let’s ask her. If she doesn’t tell us then we’ll just have to figure it out for ourselves, search the house for clues.” Jayson stands up and all our eyes fly to Cade who is storming out the door, not able to wait.
“Fuck, let’s go.” Roman and I get up and we all chase after Cade, reaching him just before he’s about to open Mia’s front door.
“Calm down Cade, you don’t want to scare her. I’m sure everything’s fine.” Jayson places a hand on his shoulder and they drop as he takes in a deep breath. Out of all of us Jayson is the only one who can calm down Cade when he gets worked up. Well, he was until Mia came along anyway. They've known each other since elementary school, and even though they couldn't be more different from each other, their brotherly bond formed long before Roman and I ever showed up.
We all walk inside and head straight for the room. Miklo is just coming out of the bathroom as we reach the door. “Hey guys. What’s up?”
“We’re here to find out what’s wrong with your mom. Did you see her?” I throw an arm around his shoulders.
“Just for a second when I brought in her ice cream, she had me put it in the freezer for later. So, an intervention? Count me in.” He gives a big grin, happy to be included.
Mia isn’t asleep, she’s laying on top of the covers cuddling a pillow and watching tv when we walk in. She jumps into a sitting position surprised at our sudden appearance. “What’s going on guys? Bubbs?”
Standing shoulder to shoulder and arms crossed we probably all come across as a pretty intimidating bunch to come in unannounced.
“We want to know what’s wrong, Angel? You haven’t been yourself lately.”
“You guys, I’m fine. Really.” Her eyes go back and forth, not staying long on any one of us.
“Bullshit, Baby Girl. We don’t believe your ‘I’m fine,’ anymore. Just tell us.” Cade takes a step forward and she shrinks back into the pillows.
“Sweetheart, Miklo says you’ve been crying. We know something’s up. You know you can tell us anything right?” Her eyes fly to Miklo in a pained expression and he lowers his head.
“Sorry Mom, but I’m worried too.”
She’s not going to tell us, I can see her going over excuses in her head right now. “It’s nothing guys, I-”
Cade doesn't believe her either. “She’s not going to tell us. Roman get the living room and kitchen, Miklo help me here in the room, Jayson you get the bathroom. If she won’t tell us, then we’ll just have to find out for ourselves. Jesse?” He looks at me and nods towards Mia. Yeah, she’s not going to like this.
They all start searching the house for anything that might clue us in to what’s been wrong. I walk over to the bed and crawl on. She starts to sit up again to go and stop them, but I straddle her waist and hold down her arms. “Jesse, what are you doing? What are they doing?” She squirms under my hold and it gets hard to hold her still. I don’t want to hurt her.
“Sorry, Beautiful. If you would just tell us we’ll stop.” She bites her bottom lip and almost looks scared. What the fuck?
Scooting back a little I pull her up and into my arms. “Fuck, Beautiful. Just tell me. What’s so bad that your scared to say anything?” Leaning back a little so I can see her face her eyes go over my shoulder and widen. When I turn to see what she’s staring at I see Jayson with prescription bottles in his hands standing just outside the bathroom door. He’s just holding them and looking at them, not moving. “What is it Jay?” He doesn’t answer.
“Jesse, get off me. Now. I’m going to be sick.” Looking back over at her face it’s paled and her eyes are closed.” She looks like she’s going to puke. I start to get up when she can’t wait any longer, her small body pushes me to the side and shoots out of the bed into the bathroom and slams the door behind her.
Roman comes back into the room. “What was that? Where did she go?”
Miklo, Cade, and I all just stare at Jayson who has yet to move or speak.
“Jay?”
Chapter Seventeen
Plus One
Mia
I’m panicking. I’ve just filled the toilet with the little I was able to eat today, my knees are cold against the tile, and I’m keeping my head hovering over the bowl in case I have to heave again. If I hadn’t found some superhuman strength and gotten out from under Jesse I would have tossed all over his shirt. I wasn’t ready. I have no idea what I’m going to say to them, this could change everything.
Jayson knows. I saw it on his face when he walked out of the bathroom with those pills and my stomach instantly rolled. I’m sure he knows what they’re for. His face was blank, I have no idea what he’s thinking.
Time to put my big girl panties on and face them. Standing up I rinse my mouth out with some mouthwash and splash water over my face in the sink. Drying it I look in the mirror. Damn girl. I look like shit and I can’t hide the look of fear on my face. What’s the worst that can happen, right? Fuck.
Taking a big breath I open the bathroom door and walk out into the room. "Jayson, seriously if you don’t fucking say something I’m going to strangle you. What are those?” They have Jayson sitting on the bed, Jesse and Miklo sitting next to either side of him and Cade and Roman are standing over him. Cade’s the one speaking and they all turn and look to me when I walk out.
“Cade, leave him alone.” I walk over and take the prenatal and iron pills from Jayson’s open palms.
He looks up at me, eyes searching for an answer I hope doesn’t have him running. No, Jayson wouldn’t do that. Out of all of them I know he’ll be the one not to cut and run. “Are you?” He shakes his head a little. “How?”
“If someone doesn’t tell me what the fucks going on soon…” Cade looks furious. Just you wait, my love.
“I’m pregnant.”
There I said it. I was able to get it past my trembling lips. It may have come out super low and they may not have heard it, but I said it. The guys faces look confused so I don’t think they did hear but Miklo’s eyes go wide and a huge grin light up his face. He heard me.
“What was that, Angel?” Roman steps closer to me and places a comforting hand on my arm.
Miklo jumps up excitedly and their heads whip from him to me. Jesse speaks, “Beautiful, just say it. Whatever it is we can handle it.” But what if they can’t? The confusion in Jesse's tone trying to piece together Miklos’ excitement and my previous escape.
A sob chokes out of me and tears start to stream down my face. They didn’t ask for this. We haven’t even known each other for a year and this whole situation is already crazy as it is. What if this is what tears us apart in the end? This beautiful new life growing inside me? How could one beautiful thing bring another apart? I’ve seen it happen, lived through it and came out of it with the most beautiful baby boy I’ve ever seen. I can survive it again and would do it in a heartbe
at, I just don’t want to have to. I don’t want to lose anyone this time around.
I sigh. “I’m pregnant.” I say it louder and close my eyes, giving myself a moment before having to see their expressions. Silence, complete and utter silence. Roman’s hand leaves a scorching hot trail of rejection as he drops it and steps back. Breathe Mia, you can do this.
When I open my eyes back up, Miklo jumps in front of me and gives me a tight squeeze. “Congratulations Mom!” I knew Miklo would be excited, I only didn’t tell him yet because I felt like he might accidentally let it slip. He’s wanted me to have him a little sister or brother since he was three. He loves his siblings, but he’s always wanted one that lives with us. Never too late I suppose. I remember when he was about ten years old and he asked me out of nowhere why I couldn’t just go to one of those hospitals where you can get pregnant without a dad. I started watching more closely at what he was viewing on tv and the internet after that. “Don’t ever scare me like that again, okay, Mom.
“I won’t, Bubbs, sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, but they kind of have a way of getting information out of you.” I state quietly as he laughs.
“I’ll leave you guys to talk. I’m going to go call Andie and Killian to tell them, we kind of had a bet going.” Oh. My. God. They what? He kisses my cheek and goes to leave the room but stops at the door and turns around. “Congratulations guys! Or to one of you anyway. By the way, me and you all are going to have to have a little talk.” Pointing two fingers at his eyes and then out around them in an I’m watching you gesture, he leaves the room laughing at his own joke. It was pretty funny. My little protector. Also, totally distracted me from the impending doom I faced.
When I turn back around to face the four I literally just dropped a baby sized bomb on I don’t know what to think so I just start crying more big ugly tears, waiting for one of them to say something.
