by Jen McIntosh
But then Farran’s face flashed before her eyes, and she recoiled from Lord Alvar’s touch. There was no avoiding the hurt in his gaze at her rejection, but he said nothing, dropping his hand to his side and stepping back. His shoulders curved inward, and his head bowed as he nodded in understanding. Renila couldn’t bear to look at him in so much pain, broken by her own actions. That crack in her soul grew a little wider at the sight. Self-preservation kicked in. She turned and fled.
She was glad the kitchens were still empty as she sprinted back to her room. She threw the door closed behind her, scrabbling to turn the key in the lock, and slammed the bolt shut. Breathing heavily, she leaned back against the door, just as her legs turned to liquid, and she sank to the floor.
She was thankful Erion wasn’t around to witness her meltdown. In the days after Lord Alvar’s arrival, she’d returned to her room one evening to find her son packing. As Farran’s new squire, he was being allocated his own room next to Farran’s. With any luck, he was fast asleep and dreaming in blissful ignorance on the other side of the castle.
That crack in her soul grew a little wider. Emotions and … something else came pouring through. Her shivering turned to trembling, and her trembling became uncontrollable shaking that wracked her entire body while she gasped for air. Like a doll fraying at the seams, she felt herself unravel and wrapped her arms around her chest as if she could hold herself together.
But it was not fear of Alvar that threatened to rip her apart, it was fear of what she felt when she looked into his eyes. The awe, the wonder, the anger, the guilt … the love. She sobbed out loud at the thought. How could she love a man she barely knew?
She loved Farran. That was why she had recoiled from Alvar, because she loved Farran, and she would not betray him. And if Alvar had kissed her, she knew she wouldn’t have been able to resist giving herself to him entirely.
It was as if there were two people living within her skin. The tender one that cherished her dear Farran and the reckless, wild one that burned for Alvar. And to make matters worse, both were married men who she had no right to.
Renila pressed her fists against her temples and cried out in anguish. Her thoughts were incoherent, her emotions raging out of control. The fire in the hearth flared in response, but she was too lost in a churning mess of feelings to really notice. She screamed and screamed and screamed as rage and hope, love and despair warred beneath her flesh.
But it was more than just the pain in her soul; her body was on fire. She tasted smoke in her mouth, and her own touch scorched her skin. Her tears of agony hissed and turned to steam as they spilled onto her cheeks, while her lips cracked and blistered from the heat. It was searing, like she was burning from the inside out. And she didn’t know how to stop it.
There was someone pounding on the door, calling her name, but it seemed so very far away. They sounded afraid – afraid for her, of what she might do – but she couldn’t reach them. Then the hidden door to the secret passage burst open, and the Lady flew into the room like a whirlwind.
‘Renila!’ she cried, crashing to her knees at Renila’s side. A cool hand rested on her forehead as the other shook her. ‘Renila, look at me,’ she begged. ‘Look at me.’
It seemed like an impossible task. Renila could barely bring herself to draw breath, let alone battle her way through the fire. But the Lady – Gaelan – continued to murmur, her cool touch soothing and encouraging, until Renila focussed on the worried face leaning over her, and the flames ebbed.
‘Gaelan?’ she croaked, her throat parched as though she had inhaled a lungful of smoke.
The Lady sighed with relief. ‘It’s alright,’ she assured her.
‘What happened?’ Renila whispered, looking around in confusion.
The Lady opened her mouth to speak but seemed to think better of it and closed it again. Her vivid eyes were heavy with regret as she helped Renila up and guided her to the bed, handing her a cup of water to soothe her throat.
‘I’m sorry,’ she breathed, perching on the edge. ‘This is all my fault.’
‘What is?’
The Lady took a deep breath. ‘It’s hard to explain,’ she began. ‘But it was part of the reason you were brought to me. I can make it go away … but you won’t remember that it happened.’
Renila was quiet for a long time, considering the Lady. ‘What else have you made people forget, Gaelan?’
The Lady’s eyes flickered with guilt. ‘My sins are beyond count,’ she admitted, ‘but you came to me for help, and I did as you asked. I offer my help again once more.’
‘What will happen if you don’t?’ Renila asked.
The Lady winced at the harshness in Renila’s voice, but she held her gaze.
‘It’s a fate worse than death,’ she whispered.
Renila hesitated. She didn’t trust the Lady. Not after all that they had said and done to each other. But she thought of Erion. He had no one now, save for her. If something happened to her, he would be all alone. For him, she would sacrifice all of herself.
‘Do it.’
The Lady nodded, understanding shining in her glorious eyes. ‘You’ll forget everything since you woke up,’ she explained as she placed a cool hand on Renila’s forehead. ‘It’ll be like falling asleep – and when you wake again, you won’t remember any of this. It will just have been a bad dream that fades with the coming dawn.’
‘Thank you,’ Renila whispered.
‘You’re welcome,’ answered the Lady. ‘Now, close your eyes.’
It was not yet dawn when Renila woke. She had slept fitfully, plagued by dark dreams that left her anxious and unsettled. The storm had not yet broken, and the tension of it building set her blood thrumming in her veins. She rose, weak and light-headed, stumbling as she reached for her robe. She frowned, studying her reflection in the mirror. Dark circles shadowed her eyes, and her bronze skin was pale and drawn. She looked ill. Her frown deepened. She was never ill.
She splashed cold water on her face, pulling her gown tight around her, and turned for the door. Her fingers slipped on the cool handle as she hesitated. Something was not right. She tried to shake herself. Nothing had been right for weeks. But this was different somehow … different, and yet the same.
She walked through the kitchens in a daze, drawn towards the tower by something she could not name. As though the force that called her up that spiralling staircase came from within her own chest, pushing her forward with every heartbeat. Yet it was also outside her body, pulling her in.
It was still dark outside when she stepped out into the cold air. Her eyes snapped to Farran, standing with his back to her. He was nothing more than a shadow in the torchlight, hooded and cloaked against the night. The image caught her attention, like her instincts were trying to warn her. There was something amiss. But as the winds rose, so did her anticipation, and she cast caution aside.
She cleared her throat to get his attention and was surprised that he didn’t start at the noise. She hadn’t expected him to sense her approach. But as he turned, his face hidden beneath the shadow of his hood, she forgot why she cared.
The storm rumbled over the horizon, though something inside her whispered that it was too soon, and the wind whipped her hair about her shoulders. The savagery of the storm made her impulsive, and she shed her night robe from her shoulders. She could feel his eyes on her, drinking in the sight of the golden skin left bare by her silken nightgown, even if she couldn’t see them beneath his hood.
He crossed the distance between them in two steps and swept her into his arms, crushing her to him. Her lips parted as she let out a low moan, and he took his opportunity. His tongue swept in, plundering her mouth while his hands ran over her body.
She writhed beneath his touch, desperate for more. He tore his lips away, and she growled in protest, but then they were on her throat, and she forgot herself entirely. Her hands dipped inside his shirt and caressed the powerful muscles of his chest. She ran her fingers through the
fine hair there, and he groaned against her collar bone.
He backed her against the parapet, his hands cupping her backside as he lifted her onto it. It was the most natural thing in the world for her to wrap her legs around his hips and draw him to her.
It was a heady contrast – the cool, open air at her back and the solid warmth of Farran against her front. She gasped out loud as he stroked a broad, callused hand over her legs while the other pulled her nightgown down so that his lips might explore further.
How would they ever stop? She was burning for him. His lips were like fire against her skin, and she moaned when his teeth grazed her heavy, aching breast. Her hands drifted up, curling around the back of his neck, and he groaned again. She knotted her fingers in his silky hair.
‘Renila,’ he breathed, whispering her name like a prayer.
She froze. He wasn’t Farran – his hair was longer, and his voice deeper and more melodic. She tried to push him away, almost falling from the parapet. Strong hands gripped her by the waist and held her fast, but she thrashed for him to let her go. He held on long enough to make sure that she wouldn’t fall, then stepped back and released her, raising his hands in surrender.
‘You!’ she hissed. He pulled his hood down. Black hair glinted in the torchlight, and those thunderstorm eyes regarded her warily. ‘What have you done with Farran?’ she snarled.
He frowned in confusion. ‘I dismissed him over an hour ago.’
‘What?’ she breathed, shaking her head.
‘I lost my temper when I saw you both together,’ he said, peering at her. ‘We argued, and you left …’ He trailed off, concern blooming in those beautiful, terrible eyes.
‘I don’t remember,’ she gasped, clutching her head. She was burning. Smoke was curling in her mouth. She couldn’t breathe. Lord Alvar started towards her, his expression filled with worry. ‘Don’t touch me!’ she screamed, flinching away.
He stilled, holding his hands up again. ‘Renila,’ he breathed, his eyes wide and anxious. ‘You need to calm down.’
‘Don’t tell me to calm down!’ she snarled. ‘How dare you presume to touch me like that? How dare you pretend to be Farran?’
‘I didn’t pretend to be anyone, Renila,’ he assured her. ‘I thought you knew it was me and that you’d changed your mind.’
‘Changed my mind about what?’ she howled, dropping to the ground as the pain in her head threatened to overwhelm her. The heat was unbearable.
Alvar started towards her again, but the torch flared in its bracket, as if in warning, and he held his ground. ‘Renila, please,’ he begged, ‘you have to calm down.’
‘I hate you!’ she screamed. Then she collapsed, writhing on the ground in agony. She heard Alvar swear as he dropped beside her and tried to hold her down while she thrashed. But when he touched her bare skin, he flinched away and winced as though she’d burned him.
‘Gaelan!’ she heard his voice roar inside her head. ‘Gaelan, I need you!’ She heard him swear again and felt his hands on her. He growled against the pain, like she was burning as much on the outside as she was in her mind. Then the door to the tower flew open, and the Lady was at her side.
‘What did you do?’ she said, her cool hands touching Renila’s brow. She flinched but didn’t recoil as Alvar had done.
‘What did I do? What the fuck is going on?’ he snapped.
The Lady ignored him. ‘Renila,’ she called. ‘Look at me. Come on, that’s it. Just look at me. Her voice and her hands were so soft, so soothing, Renila calmed at their gentle caress. The flames were receding, their heat dying, and Renila had the strangest sense that she had been through this before.
‘That’s because you have,’ the Lady told her, using that eerie, mind-reading ability of hers, ‘but it’s alright. I’m going to make it stop.’
‘Aren’t you at least going to tell her the cost first?’ Alvar hissed.
Gaelan snarled and bared her teeth in warning. ‘She knows the cost – I’ve had to do it once this morning already. She agreed then, and she’d agree now.’
‘Just make it stop,’ Renila begged, her voice barely more than a whisper.
‘I will,’ the Lady promised. ‘This shouldn’t even be happening. She should have been out until daybreak at least,’ she muttered to Alvar as she soothed the fire down to a barely flickering ember. ‘I hope you’re pleased with yourself.’
‘You think this is my fault?’
‘Yes!’ the Lady shouted. ‘I don’t know what set her off the first time, but I’ll bet my life it involved you. So much for playing the role of husband.’
‘Jealousy was never a good look for you, Gaelan,’ he snarled.
‘When have you ever known anything as trivial as jealousy to motivate me?’ the Lady snapped. ‘You need to stay away from her, Alvar. For her own good.’
‘You asked for my help and now you’re telling me to go?’
If the Lady responded, Renila did not hear the words. She was already falling into the darkness.
It was midday by the time Renila woke. She groaned as the bright light filtering through her window roused her from dark and heavy dreams. She lay still, blinking and staring at the ceiling while she tried to reorientate herself.
Swearing, she scrambled out of bed and found herself weak as a newborn lamb. Her legs went from under her, and she crashed to the floor in a crumpled heap.
The bedroom door opened at the sound of the commotion, and Erion hurried in. He pulled an arm around her shoulders and helped her back up onto the bed with a worried expression on his face.
‘Are you alright?’ he asked, holding her shoulders while she tried to right herself. Her head was spinning.
‘I think so,’ she said in a daze. ‘What happened?’
The expression on Erion’s face said he didn’t believe her, but he answered the question. ‘You took ill during the night. The Lady said you would be out of sorts for the rest of the day, but that you should be fine by tomorrow morning.’
‘I don’t … remember.’ She winced, holding her head to try and make it stop spinning. ‘I think I might be sick.’
‘The Lady said that might happen,’ he admitted, pointing to a bucket beside her bed. ‘But she didn’t think it would last very long.’
‘Suriya … Lucan,’ Renila gasped, trying to rise when she realised that she hadn’t checked on them since the previous night. But Erion placed a restraining hand on her shoulder.
‘They’re fine,’ he said. ‘They’re waiting just outside. I have to go – I have training with Farran this afternoon – but they’re going to stay and take care of you.’
Renila slumped back against her pillows in disgust. ‘Wonderful.’
‘Suriya will keep him in check,’ he assured her, chuckling. Renila quirked a quizzical eyebrow at her son.
‘You three are speaking again?’ she asked.
Erion pulled a face. ‘Sort of,’ was all he said. Then he kissed her brow and went to the door.
‘Renila!’ came the sound of Suriya’s voice as Erion held it open for the twins to enter. The girl sprinted to Renila’s side and threw her arms around her in a fierce hug. Renila let out a faint bark of protest at being jostled, as it sent her head spinning again, but returned the hug as best she could.
‘Careful,’ Erion admonished.
Suriya flushed with embarrassment and muttered a shamefaced apology, but she didn’t move from Renila’s side. Lucan eyed Erion cautiously as he passed, joining his sister by Renila’s bed. But Erion’s expression was cool as he bowed and left.
‘He hasn’t forgiven us yet then,’ Lucan said to Suriya as the door closed behind his friend. Suriya said nothing, but when Renila glanced at the girl, she noted the unease and hesitancy in her eyes. Something was wrong, but Suriya wouldn’t share it with Lucan.
‘Can we get you anything?’ Suriya asked, changing the subject.
Renila smiled and touched her cheek.
‘No, I’m alright just now, thank you
,’ she assured her. ‘I’d just like to rest more. Why don’t you tell me a story for a change?’
Suriya’s eyes lit up with delight, and she nodded. Lucan sighed and flopped down into an armchair, but he didn’t argue. With a smile, Renila closed her eyes and listened to the sound of the girl’s voice carry her to a faraway land.
By the middle of the afternoon, Renila was much better, though still very weak. Her head had at least stopped spinning, and she no longer needed to vomit whenever she moved. Unable to lie in bed any longer, she convinced Suriya to help her wash and dress and Lucan to escort her outside for some fresh air.
The storm still brewed on the horizon, and though it set Renila on edge, she didn’t have the energy to lose herself in its savage beauty. It was strange: the stronger the call of the storm, the more lethargic she became. As though the sickness itself fought the wildfire that sought to build in her veins. The rest of the world seemed oblivious to the overwhelming pressure that weighed down on her.
Out in the courtyard, Farran was overseeing Erion’s training. Her son was in the sparring ring with a wooden sword in his hand, parrying Farran’s gentle strikes. Renila flashed him a smile of gratitude. He knew how her son tired.
Lucan scowled at the sight of it but said nothing as he helped ease Renila onto a low bench in the sunny corner of the yard where she could watch. Suriya sat beside her and wriggled her way into the crook of Renila’s arm. Renila looked down at the girl. Whatever the matter was with Suriya, the girl didn’t want to talk about it.
With a contented sigh, Renila closed her eyes and breathed deep the clean air. Summer had faded to autumn, though the leaves had not yet turned. The earthy tang of the Ravenswood pines was on the wind, and though it was brisk, it did little to dispel the heavy heat of the oncoming storm. The rich smells from the kitchens wafted towards her as the winds changed. Bread baking in the oven, meat cooking over the fire, and there was something being fried in butter and garlic.
