by Josh Lanyon
At a guess? He’d thought it all over, come to a logical conclusion, and was here to cross another chore off his Things To Do list. Jason opened the door, and managed to say coolly, “Delivering the bad news in person, I guess?”
“Yes.” Sam looked grim. Tired and grim. He stopped, waiting, and Jason stepped back, waving him in with an advance to the next square motion.
Sam stepped inside. He was looking at Jason—only at Jason—and his expression seemed odd, watchful. “Jason, there isn’t any easy way to say this. I’ve seen the DNA results, and Kyser is not dead.”
Jason had been braced to hear something else entirely, so that was almost—almost—funny.
“I see.”
“I…wanted you to know as soon as possible.”
“Of course.” Not his imagination. That was definitely a strange expression on Sam’s face. “You want a drink? I’m pretty sure I need one.”
Sam hesitated. “Thank you.”
Jason gave a short laugh and went to the kitchen cupboard where he kept a bottle of Canadian Club in the hope that Sam might someday surprise drop by. And see, he’d finally got his wish.
He got out two short glasses, dropped a couple of ice cubes in with a clink, and poured the whisky, all the while conscious of the fact that Sam was still standing by the door—the better to make a quick escape?—silently watching him.
Jason said at random, “This isn’t really a surprise. I never thought he was dead.”
He handed Sam his drink, taking care not to brush fingers. “Geronimo.” He swallowed a mouthful of whisky and winced at the burn.
Jesus. Canadian Club was god-awful stuff. That alone should have warned him off Sam.
“No, you didn’t,” Sam said. “And I didn’t have to come here in person to tell you this.”
“I know. You’re going to miss the celebration party and the wraparound dick.”
Sam made a choked sound.
Jason stared at him. “So why did you come, Sam?”
Sam stared down at his drink like he didn’t know how it had appeared in his hand. He tossed it back in one gulp.
“Okay, then,” Jason said.
“I know why,” Sam said. He was looking at Jason with a kind of pained, inarticulate… expectation. Expectation of what? Understanding? Jason did not understand.
“You know why what?” Jason asked.
“I prefer to know what’s going to happen.”
“Uh, I think we all do.”
“No.” Sam shook his head. “With Ethan…I always knew what he would do, what he thought. I didn’t always like it, but I could always predict it. I can’t do that with you. I don’t always know what you’re thinking, and I can’t always predict what you’re going to do.”
“Well, that’s how it is,” Jason protested. “That’s how it works. I don’t know what you’re going to say or do either.”
“But I need that.” At Jason’s incredulous expression, Sam closed his eyes, seemed to struggle for the words. “I mean, I’m used to that. I don’t like feeling vulnerable. I don’t like feeling things are out of control. And when you lie to me—”
“Jesus Christ,” Jason said. “I didn’t lie to you. I came to you for help—”
“And I let you down,” Sam cut in. His eyes were dark with emotion. “I’m sorry. I feel… I regret it. I wish I could do it over. You were right this morning. It wasn’t about me. I should never have made it about me. Or about us.”
Jason had not expected an apology. Had certainly not expected Sam to try to work through where it had all gone wrong for them. But maybe he should have because Sam was nothing if not analytical. Even if it was over for them, Sam would want to understand why.
Sam said, “But where you’re wrong is about turning you off, shutting you out. I can’t. Even if I wanted to. And I don’t want to. You’re the best thing in my life. Maybe the best thing that ever happened to me. You’re my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night. That’s the truth. I’m not cold. Not where you’re concerned. If I could get a little distance—”
“Distance is not the answer in a relationship. For God’s sake. Communication is the answer. Even I know that much.”
Sam put his glass down and drew Jason into his arms. Jason didn’t try to pull away, but he didn’t surrender either. He still felt bruised, uncertain.
Sam kissed his temple, the side of his mouth, soft and apologetic, taking nothing for granted. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to hurt you. I never want to hurt you.”
But he sure had a knack for it.
Jason said wearily, “I know. But you didn’t want this relationship.” He’d had plenty of time to think on the flight too. “There’s no secret about that. You’ve been fighting it since day one.”
“I want this relationship more than anything.”
Sam said it so simply, so sincerely, it was impossible not to believe him—and Jason wanted to believe him. So much. Too much. His throat closed, and he shook his head.
Sam bent his head, said against his ear, “It doesn’t matter how it started or what I once felt. It doesn’t matter that it scares the hell out of me. I want it, and I’m willing to do whatever you want. Whatever will make you happy. If I can. I’m not saying I won’t make mistakes or screw it up again, but if you could just remember that however…fucked up I seem, however fucked up I am… I love you.”
Jason wiped impatiently at his eyes. “I feel like we’ve been here before, and I just…can’t keep doing this.”
He felt Sam’s swallow. Felt Sam’s pain without having to look at him. How could you know someone so well—and not at all?
It was frightening that so much of his happiness depended on another person.
But wasn’t that what Sam struggled with too?
Sam whispered, “Okay, West. Whatever you want. I mean that. If you want me to go, I will.”
Jason closed his eyes. Yes or no? If they were just going to end up here again in a couple of months, wouldn’t it be easier to get it over with now?
Yes, it would be easier. It was called giving up, and that was always easier. Whether it was art or love, anything worth having was worth fighting for.
Jason opened his eyes. “Don’t go.”
Jason West and Sam Kennedy will return Winter 2020
The Movie-Town Murders
The Art of Murder V
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About the Author
Author of over sixty titles of classic Male/Male fiction featuring twisty mystery, kickass adventure, and unapologetic man-on-man romance, JOSH LANYON’S work has been translated into eleven languages—and one mobile game. Her FBI thriller Fair Game was the first Male/Male title to be published by Harlequin Mondadori, then the largest romance publisher in Italy. Stranger on the Shore (Harper Collins Italia) was the first M/M title to be published in print. In 2016, Fatal Shadows placed #5 in Japan’s annual Boy Love novel list (the first and only title by a foreign author to place on the list). The Adrien English series was awarded the All Time Favorite Couple by the Goodreads M/M Romance Group. In 2019, Fatal Shadows became the first LGBTQ mobile game created by Moments: Choose Your Story.
She is an Eppie Award winner, a four-time Lambda Literary Award finalist (twice for Gay Mystery), an Edgar nominee, and the first ever recipient of the Goodreads All Time Favorite M/M Author award.
Josh is married and lives in Southern California.
Find other Josh Lanyon titles at www.joshlanyon.com
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Acknowledgments
Thank you, as always, to Keren Reed. Thank you to Johanna Ollila for her beautiful cover art. Thank you to Kale Williams for his narration of the audio edition of this book.
Special thanks to my official patrons. I’m so grateful to each and every one of you for your encouragement and support.
The inspiration for this book came after watching the documentaries The Liberators and The Rape of Europa.
The contents of Roy Thompson’s letters home are in fact tweaked snippets taken from real letters written by soldiers during World War II.
If you enjoyed this story, check the following titles by Josh Lanyon
Novels
The ADRIEN ENGLISH Mysteries
Fatal Shadows
A Dangerous Thing
The Hell You Say
Death of a Pirate King
The Dark Tide
Stranger Things Have Happened
So This is Christmas
The HOLMES & MORIARITY Mysteries
Somebody Killed His Editor
All She Wrote
The Boy with the Painful Tattoo
In Other Words… Murder
The ALL’S FAIR Trilogy
Fair Game
Fair Play
Fair Chance
The ART OF MURDER Trilogy
The Mermaid Murders
The Monet Murders
The Magician Murders
Other novels
This Rough Magic (A SHOT IN THE DARK Series)
The Ghost Wore Yellow Socks
Mexican Heat (with Laura Baumbach)
Strange Fortune
Come Unto These Yellow Sands
Stranger on the Shore
Winter Kill
Jefferson Blythe, Esquire
Murder in Pastel
The Curse of the Blue Scarab
Murder Takes the High Road
Séance on a Summer’s Night
The Ghost Had an Early Check-out
Novellas
The DANGEROUS GROUND Series
Dangerous Ground
Old Poison
Blood Heat
Dead Run
Kick Start
The I SPY Series
I Spy Something Bloody
I Spy Something Wicked
I Spy Something Christmas
The IN A DARK WOOD Series
In a Dark Wood
The Parting Glass
The DARK HORSE Series
The Dark Horse
The White Knight
Snowball in Hell (DOYLE & SPAIN Series)
Haunted Heart: Winter (HAUNTED HEART Series)
Mummy Dearest (XOXO FILES Series)
Other novellas
Cards on the Table
The Dark Farewell
The Darkling Thrush
The Dickens with Love
Don’t Look Back
A Ghost of a Chance
Lovers and Other Strangers
Out of the Blue
A Vintage Affair
Lone Star (in Men Under the Mistletoe)
Green Glass Beads (in Irregulars)
Blood Red Butterfly
Everything I Know
Baby, It’s Cold (in Comfort and Joy)
A Case of Christmas
Murder Between the Pages
Slay Ride
Stranger in the House (in Footsteps in the Dark)
Short stories
A Limited Engagement
The French Have a Word for It
In Sunshine or In Shadow
Until We Meet Once More
Icecapade (in His for the Holidays)
Perfect Day
Heart Trouble
Other People’s Weddings (Petit Mort)
Slings and Arrows (Petit Mort)
Sort of Stranger Than Fiction (Petit Mort)
Critic’s Choice (Petit Mort)
Just Desserts (Petit Mort)
In Plain Sight
Wedding Favors
Wizard’s Moon
Fade to Black
Night Watch
Plenty of Fish
Halloween is Murder
The Boy Next Door
Collections
Short Stories (Vol. 1)
Sweet Spot (the Petit Morts)
Merry Christmas, Darling (Holiday Codas)
Christmas Waltz (Holiday Codas 2)
I Spy…Three Novellas
Point Blank (Five Dangerous Ground Novellas)
Dark Horse, White Knight (Two Novellas)
The Monuments Men Murders (The Art of Murder Book IV)
June 2019
Copyright (c) 2019 by Josh Lanyon
Cover by Johanna Ollila
Editing by Keren Reed
All rights reserved
No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without written permission from JustJoshin Publishing, Inc.
ISBN: 978-1-945802-46-1
Published in the United States of America
JustJoshin Publishing, Inc.
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Suite 116
Palmdale, CA 93551
www.joshlanyon.com
This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.
