“I’m pregnant,” she blurted, and I swore to God the world just stopped.
The rug of reality got swiped away from under my feet, and my breath stilled somewhere in the chasm of my heart.
“What?”
“I’m pregnant.”
I just stared at her. I just stared like I was watching this happen to someone else. Couldn’t be me.
Not me.
“It’s mine?” Stupid question. I doubted that if the baby wasn’t mine, she’d be here.
Baby. God.
This couldn’t be real.
The cold fear of the truth flushed over my body when she nodded.
“It’s yours, and I’m keeping it. I don’t care if you want nothing to do with us. I just wanted you to know.”
This was definitely a different Marissa to the person I knew. I truly thought she’d say something different to this.
“Please… don’t tell her what I did,” she added in a hushed voice. “Please don’t tell Ava, please.”
When I thought of how I would tell Ava what had happened, it was more the case of me telling her what I did. I would always feel guilty for not being able to tell them apart. Always. I guess, though, that when I told her, I couldn’t exactly do it without telling her what Marissa did.
“Why not? Why shouldn’t I tell her? I was stupid to fall for such a trick. Stupid and wasted. You knew I was drunk out of my mind.”
“Yes, I did. What I did was awful. I actually waited for you to get exactly like that before I made my move. It was… selfish and evil of me.”
It was hard to rip into her when she was admitting her faults.
“So, what should I do, Marissa? Lie to Ava? Not tell her, ever? I was…” There was no way in hell that Ava and I could get back together now. How?
She wiped at her eyes, smearing her cheeks with her tears. “I’m leaving. I’m just going to leave. Leave when it’s closer to the time. I can’t be here when Ava gets back. She’ll probably come back in six months after the first placement is over. I don’t want to be around when that happens.”
“Why?” I really wanted to hear what she was thinking.
“Because I never meant for this, but I wasn’t careful. We weren’t careful. It was just…”
“What? What was it just?” I was seriously trying to tamp down my rage, but it was hard. In this one month, it felt like I had everything taken away from me, and my life just changed.
“In my head we made sense. You and me. What I did is unforgiveable, and I can’t lie to my sister. I can’t be here and have her hate me either.”
It was when she started to cry that I realized how scared she was. She was crying, and her hands were shaking, and I didn’t know what to do.
What do I do?
I couldn’t be with a woman I didn’t love. But fuck… I couldn’t abandon a child that was mine either. Not like Mom.
She had done it effortlessly.
Pa had taken Luc and me to LA to try our hand at the normal life for her. She got what she wanted and left us. Shacked up with some rich guy and left us in the shit to crawl our way out. Pa was in so much debt. I was fifteen when she walked out. Of course, I didn’t need her in the sense of how a young child would need their mother, but she was my mother.
Parents shouldn’t just leave their kids. Practically act like they never existed.
Marissa was Marissa, and I would resent her to the ends of the earth for what she had done to me, but she was Ava’s sister.
I couldn’t abandon my child, and as ruthless as I was… I couldn’t abandon Ava’s sister either.
So… what was I really going to do?
I knew the decision my brain formulated.
But my heart rejected it.
Chapter 12
Ava
* * *
Present day…
The type of numbness that filled me couldn’t be explained with words.
It entered my heart from the minute Claudius told me that Marissa wanted him. That they made sense. The thing was, they did.
I’d always thought that, but that wasn’t the point.
I sat here listening to his story, to the truth of what had happened, and I figured the rest of it out. It wasn’t that hard. So, he didn’t have to continue.
He’d married her.
It was funny. I could have been furious at the part where he’d slept with her. No matter the circumstances, I could have been furious about that part alone.
Maybe it was the shock. It was hard for me to imagine him with someone else. It was hard for me to imagine him with her.
What hurt me deep, deep, deep was the lengths Marissa had taken to make it all happen. The lengths she had taken to be with him. Even when he’d told her no. She’d come at him the best way she knew how. Pretending to be me.
God…
First, she made sure that she said all the right things to me to get me gone, then that. Although I guess I couldn’t fully blame her for her encouragement to go to Europe. My heart had been set on going. She even gave me some great ideas that I was now fulfilling today.
Expanding. I’d taken Delizioso to the top, got it all Michelin-starred and featured in some notable magazines. Even without Claudius’ help I planned to make the chain nationwide. New York, LA, anywhere I could reach.
Those were my plans, and it was great.
Hearing this though, realizing that she’d played on my emotions and betrayed me in the worst way was something I couldn’t get past…
Hearing the truth made me feel like I was just part of her fucking game.
It had all just been a game to her. Everything she’d said to me that night had been part of her ulterior motive. All the things she’d said about Claudius part of it. She’d highlighted that he didn’t have a plan for us, and she’d even gone so far as to imply that a guy like him wouldn’t just sit around and wait for me.
My conversation with her had been an expression of my concerns, but it had been the perfect window to set the ball in motion
I stood up, hands shaking, and I didn’t think my heart had started beating yet.
Claudius stood too. I could feel his eyes on me, but I couldn’t look at him.
Not yet.
When I’d come home for Christmas that year, that was when I’d learned they were together.
No one had told me all that time. No one had given me a heads up. I’d just came home for Christmas, and that was what I got hit with. That and her telling me that they got together when I left. It just happened, and she hoped I wouldn’t be too upset. She’d also wanted to wait for me to get home to get married.
That was the story she’d sold me. She’d said she’d waited to tell me in person because she knew how much I loved Claudius. That was what she’d said to me. My response was to smile and shake it off. Act like it didn’t bother me. I’d acted like the six months of not speaking to him hadn’t killed me, and what was worse was, he’d looked happy with her. They’d looked happy.
I’d been home for a month, saw them get married, and when I went back to Europe, my heart was full.
She’d lost the baby two months later, and I flew back to be with her.
She was inconsolable. I was stationed in London then. Then months later, when I’d officially returned home, we both got taken by Goliath’s people and Marissa lost her life.
Horrible story. All of it. And here I was, torn. Torn between the grief I felt over what happened to her, and what she did to me to seduce my boyfriend.
She pretended to be me.
She’d actually dressed up, looked like me, said she was me, and she made sure she went to Claudius when he was drunk.
My sister had done that to me. My twin sister.
I turned around to face him. There was so much I wanted to say. I should at least say something. Anything more than the silence I exhibited.
My gaze fell to the floor, to the deep swirly patterns on the carpet.
“Ava.” Claudius broke the silence, and I l
ooked back to him.
“I… don’t know what to say.” I brought my hands up to my cheeks and ran them over my head.
I beheld him before me, and I could see he wanted more of a reaction from me, but I honestly didn’t know what to say. Looking at him though, I realized something. He’d left out something crucial. He’d told me everything that happened in the past. But what of the present? Everything that happened post Marissa’s death.
He’d stayed away from me. The past was filled with so much pain. Why did he continue to allow me to believe all the lies and all the shit Marissa concocted?
“Why did you stay away?” That was it. That was the question on my mind. “You could have told me this before. Why wouldn’t you?”
That was the question of the moment, indeed.
“There’s too much. I did too much. Things there is no forgiveness for.”
Again, he was right, but my heart didn’t blame him. Why didn’t my heart blame him?
“It was all my fault,” he added. “Me, just one guy. I created a wedge between sisters, ruined your family when Marissa suffered such a violent death because of people associated to me, and then there’s us. It’s my fault we broke up. I can’t fix any of it because one thing led to another, like a fucking chain. A domino effect that collapsed on me and took everything down with it. One stupid mistake turned into a colossal mess. A mess that got Marissa killed and you kidnapped.”
“You didn’t know that would happen.”
“Don’t.” He shook his head at me and scowled.
“No one blamed you Claudius. No one blamed you for her death. Not me, nor my parents. It’s not like we didn’t know what happened.” Maybe it would have been easy to point fingers at him and cast blame, but none of us had. I definitely didn’t.
“Don’t. Don’t try to excuse my guilt. It can’t be. And it’s not safe for you to be around me. Knowing me nearly got you killed. It could have. They took you. They took you, and I wasn’t there to stop it from happening. It showed they could get to you without me knowing or knowing when it’s too late to do more than what I did. Back then, they took you because it made their game more interesting. The bomb was strapped to Marissa because she was my wife.” He ran his hand over his beard. “They wouldn’t have known what I felt for you. It wasn’t safe for you to be around me then, and as long as I’m looking for Goliath, it’s still not safe for you.”
My lips parted, and I sucked in a sharp breath. “Is that what you’re trying to do? Find him?”
I should have actually figured that part out on my own. A dark look flashed in his eyes.
“Yes. That is what I’m doing, and do not ask me to stop searching.”
“It’s dangerous.” No one had found him, and I knew how dangerous the man was. The whole incident had become a federal matter. A matter that no one had been able to resolve. It was an unsolved crime. Probably filed long ago because the feds knew the kind of man Goliath was. He was an international black-market trafficker.
“It doesn’t matter. The danger part doesn’t matter. I didn’t know what the fuck I was getting myself into, but it twisted me up with a man like Goliath. A man outside the remits of the mob. Completely outside. I was a pawn, and I screwed up his plans. That was how he taught me a lesson. Marissa did what she did to me, but she didn’t deserve death. Being with me got her killed. Killed, Ava. There are no more chances, nothing. They killed her, and they took you. I won’t stop looking until I find him.”
My soul shuddered at the prospect of what that could all mean. He could get himself killed.
What would I do then?
“You’re here now. What does that mean? And I’ve seen you more in this one week than I have in four years.”
“It’s selfish.” He winced and brought his hand up to his temple.
“Why?”
“Because once again, I know I shouldn’t be with you, but I can’t leave you alone. I stayed away because it was better to give you a reason to hate me, stay away from me and keep you safe. That was the idea. But here I am acting selfish again.”
We stared at each other for a long, silent moment. His eyes filled with compassion and pain.
He broke the stare by backing away.
I didn’t say anything as he walked out. There was so much on my mind, so much. Too much, but I couldn’t speak.
I just watched him leave.
* * *
I did the only thing I could do and called Kelly.
Actually, it was perhaps the very best idea I’d had.
My friend came within the hour, her bag packed, and a mountain load of goodies prepped to comfort me.
She probably thought this was going to be the standard girly talk, however, by the time I’d offloaded the whole story onto her, it stunned her to complete silence.
It was the first time in all our years of friendship that I’d been so open with her. Maybe that’s why it was so emotionally gripping. Neither of us had even touched the comfort food.
She just sat with me in the sitting room and listened as I poured my heart out.
Then we sat in silence watching the last traces of daylight recede into the sky.
“Is it wrong that throughout the whole story I blame Marissa for her part in it?” Kelly said. Her voice pierced through the stilled silence that had settled over the room. “I know she’s your sister, and I feel terrible for saying that because she’s dead and she can’t speak for herself, but damn.”
I looked her over and shuffled against the cushion I’d placed behind my back.
“I feel the same. I’ve felt the same, but then I remember it’s me who’s sitting here and not her. It makes me want to remember the bad parts about her and gloss over the good parts, but really, she was the victim here because I still have my life.” That was a much calmer version of what I felt. “Claudius blames himself, and he’s on this mission to find Goliath. How’d I get myself mixed up in all this, Kelly? Maybe I could blame myself, take it as far back as that. I was the one who fell for a mobster. What did I expect?”
She looked down bashfully, then her gaze climbed back up to meet mine. “That part’s not your fault. You know that, Ava, right?”
“I don’t know anything right now. Maybe it was better when I didn’t know the truth.”
“It wasn’t, because you two were like a volcano waiting to erupt. You can’t help who you love, Ava.”
Was it as simple as that?
“What about common sense? General common sense. The kind that’s telling me I should stay away from him.”
“Is that what you want? Ava, if people did everything that made sense, no one would take any chances. It’s common sense that if all you have is a dollar to your name, that you make sure you spend it wisely. Maybe not put it on an investment that could multiply it tenfold or even a hundredfold. It’s common sense that you should choose a career that pays the bills, but what if you love to play the violin and you know that one day, you could be a legend if you stick to it?” She brought her hands together and gave me a weak smile. “As you know, I come from a really poor family. I think my parents were hoping I’d study law or something like that when I went to college, not the culinary arts. My dad was a garbage man, and my mom a cleaner, but they saved up and found a way to pay for my college tuition. It was common sense for them to force me to do something that would probably bring in more of an investment, but they always told me to follow my heart. So, I did, and when I made my first million, I gave it to them.”
I remembered that. It was a joyous moment even for me. Before we joined forces as business pals Kelly was doing well for herself with her own restaurant out in LA. She still had it now. She had someone else running it for her and all the money went to her family. She came to work with me only because we thought it was a cool idea. That was it, and it was. I was grateful for her. More grateful to have her in times like this.
When she reached forward to take my hands into hers, I took them and smiled at her. She’d made me fee
l a little better. I was still conflicted as hell, but she took the edge off. “Follow your heart, Ava, but for God’s sake, be careful. I feel like a bad friend to tell you that because Claudius is the fucking mafia king, but today, when I saw him… I saw all that he felt for you. I’d be a bad friend if I didn’t tell you that. But be careful. Okay?”
I nodded slowly.
Follow my heart…
I’d need to sleep on it and think about everything.
Everything. The danger, the risk, all that I felt for Claudius.
All that he meant to me.
There were so many reasons to stay away from him, but I was selfish too.
I couldn’t leave him alone.
Chapter 13
Claudius
* * *
I didn’t sleep last night. I was too consumed with thinking about Ava.
It all made me cranky, and I could barely function when I went to the garage to close a deal on a Ferrari that the guys and I’d modified. The thing sold for five hundred Gs. The guy we sold it to was a street racer. He wanted to export the car to Japan and sell it there.
The guy even sweetened the deal by booking another appointment for a month’s time to look at the new Kawasaki bike that had come in last week. I’d planned to keep that for myself, but I couldn’t pass up another five hundred grand, and for a motorcycle? No.
Those few hours offered some distraction, but as the day wore on, Ava filled my thoughts again, and again when I went to Luc’s wine tasting.
He did events like that most Saturdays.
Pa was back from Italy, and the whole gang was here. The guys and their dolls. The whole turnout highlighted how alone I was. Even Saul was here with his latest doll, who’d lasted longer than the last. Six months. Meant things were looking serious. Had to be for a woman to accept a guy who’d replaced all his teeth with gold crowns.
The Four were playing poker in the corner, and Amelia and Gigi were talking it up with a customer. Gigi had her tarot cards, so I was sure she must have been talking about some weird shit. Magic this, magic that. Amelia was laughing though, so maybe the guy who was getting his fortune read while he tasted wine was going to get some weird twist on his fortune. That was always Gigi’s answer. Good fortune always awaited but with a twist you never expected.
Dirty Hearts: A Bad Bod Mafia Romance Page 11
