by Ivy Asher
I want to beat the shit out of myself for letting something like this happen. I have a fucking tablet with information that might have clued me in on how transference works, but have I opened it even once? Nope. I look from Ryker to Knox and back again letting their cries of pain scar me the way that I deserve. I can’t keep hoping that somehow life is going to mellow out and resemble anything close to normal. I’m a Sentinel, and pain and fighting are written in the stars for me and everyone I care about. I’m a fucking plague.
Black marks float to the surface of their skin like the suffering has somehow boiled to the surface. The color deepens slowly, and the runes take on more and more clarity as the pained shouts reverberate around the room. A droplet of water drips from me onto Knox’s side, and it traces a path past the runes forming on his ribs. Another tear follows and I wipe furiously at my face to keep any more of me from tainting him or Ryker.
The yells dull to aching moans, and if I wasn’t so angry and disgusted with myself, I might be able to feel some form of relief that this is almost over. I wipe sweat from Knox’s brow and try to cover Ryker with the sheets and comforter, so he doesn’t get cold when he comes out of this. Part of me wants to trace their runes, I’ve never seen them this close on anyone but me, but I kick that part of me in the face and tell it to fuck off.
Knox and Ryker begin to settle, the tension seeping out of their clenched muscles and the writhing becoming more of a rocking. They both pant with shallow breaths, and I watch the rapid rise and fall of their chests until it starts to smooth out. The staccato rhythm of their breaths becomes quieter; their inhales becoming deeper as each of them are released from the pain at precisely the same second.
“Vinna,” Valen calls to me, but I ignore him.
I’m only able to focus on Knox’s brow smoothing out, and the lines around Ryker’s eyes disappearing as the pain leaves them both, and the need for furrowed eyebrows and clenched lids evaporates. Ryker is the first to open his eyes. He brings his hands up and twists his arm to take in the line of runes that now exist there. His eyes find mine, and he gives me a half smile.
“Ouch,” he chuckles, and I hear a relieved breath and strained chuckle escape Bastien and the others.
I wish I could appreciate his attempt at levity, but that simple word might as well be a hammer, and too much of me is made of glass right now. The back of a strong hand strokes down my arm, and I turn to look at Knox. He takes one look at my face and his fills with panic. He rushes to sit up as I scramble away from him and Ryker. His movements are shaky, and there’s a touch of stiffness still in his limbs. An echo of what he’s feeling resonates in me as I recall how I felt after my runes showed up.
“Why are you crying; what happened?” Knox asks, confused.
I climb off the bed, and an angry and indignant snort escapes me. His eyes track me and narrow when I flinch as Bastien moves towards me.
“What the fuck happened?” He demands more forcefully, glaring at the others as he tries to scoot on unsteady arms out of the bed’s comfortable embrace.
Ryker looks around confused, slower to take in that everything is not even remotely close to okay right now.
“What do you mean, what happened?” he asks.
“Vinna. Look at her. She looks like she did after the lamia attack. That same broken, pained, and lost look that killed us; the one we just started to chase away.”
Ryker’s eyes snap to mine, and he takes me in. I feel all of their scrutinizing gazes as they run over my still naked body. Collectively, they all take a step toward me, and I back up, trying to maintain the distance that suddenly feels vital right now. I quickly realize that I’m cornered and there’s nowhere for me to go, and I find myself suddenly choking on panic. I claw at my throat desperate for air, frenzied to escape the terror crashing into me. I gasp around huge mouthfuls of nothing as I try to find oxygen, but it seems like the air is suddenly devoid of it.
Arms seize me tightly, and I’m pulled into Valen’s chest. Bastien sandwiches me in and they both press in tightly against me. The space between where I exist and they exist disappears, and the line between I can’t get away and I don’t want to get away, dissolves so quickly that I can’t really gauge what I want or what I need right now. I suck in huge gasps, fighting for air, fighting for control over the massive and consuming emotions trying to escape me right now.
How can I do this to them? How can I condemn them to this life? I didn’t want to be alone, so I opened myself up to what we could be, but how could I be so selfish?
My self-loathing rises even higher as I battle against how good it feels to be surrounded by all of them as they attempt to soothe me and understand what’s happening. Knox cradles my face in his hands, and the furious look on his face gives me pause. It’s then that I realize I’ve been babbling that I was sorry, and I couldn’t do this to them.
“You fucking stop that shit right now. Do you understand me? You are mine!” Knox smacks a closed fist against the runes on his chest, and his eyes are filled with fire and frustration. “You are here, you are in my soul, and there isn’t shit you can do about it. You are not a fucking plague! You are ours, and we want it that way!”
“But I’m hurting you!” I yell at him, somehow hoping the volume helps embed the truth of what I’m saying into him.
“No, you’re tempering us. We will be stronger because of you. Connected because of you. Better because you are ours and we are yours. But not if every time things get difficult, you cut us out. Why don’t you trust us?”
His voice breaks on the question, and the argument in my mouth crumbles to ash.
“I do trust you.”
“No, you don’t. If you trusted us, you wouldn’t dismiss what we say and want so easily. We tell you that we understand what it means to be with you, to be Chosen, but you throw that away because you decide you know better. You decide for us that being together is not worth it. Each of us has told you that we’re in. Did you think we made that decision lightly, that we didn’t think through what that meant for us, for you?”
I stare at him, and his words rumble like thunder through me.
“You didn’t have a choice. I marked you and forced you to make the best of a messed up situation.”
“Oh, is that what we are, a messed up situation?
“That’s not what I meant, and you fucking know it!” I growl at him.
Knox steps even closer to me. He brings his face even with mine, his lips a hair’s breadth away, his long eyelashes kissing mine as he blinks once before his eyes lock onto mine.
“Now you listen to me...you may be one badass Sentinel, but guess what, so am I now. Stop questioning your place in our lives. Stop doubting us when we say that no matter what, this is what we want. You are what we want. The scorching I just got from those runes? That’s nothing compared to the hurt when you doubt me, doubt your place with us. So get your shit together, Killer. Either you’re in, or you’re out.”
Knox’s face remains serious, but a twinkle enters his eyes. He knows he’s got me, cheeky fucker using my own words against me. I stay silent, and my eyes bounce back and forth between the gray storm clouds in his gaze. In or out. The challenge resonates through every part of me, and it stomps out the fucked up pieces in me that insist I’m not worthy or deserving of what they’re offering me. I kick at the doubts and useless insecurity and decide once and for all.
“In.”
31
I walk into the open kitchen taking in the details that I failed to notice last night. Cream colored cabinets and countertops are set against exposed brick walls. There’s a mixture of old and new throughout the entire house, and it somehow feels perfect and complimentary.
The sisters are leaning against the counters in the kitchen conversing about something that has their hands flying around passionately and the looks on their faces intense. I perch against my own counter space and try to catch on to what they’re talking about, but as soon as I’m spotted, the conversation
dies.
“Hello my love, how are you doing this morning?” Birdie asks me, her sweet smile and kind eyes running over me, assessing the situation herself.
“I’m good. One dramatic freak-out down, and hopefully not many to follow.” I offer casually, punctuating it with a slightly hollow chuckle.
Adelaide’s smile turns empathetic, and she tilts her head just slightly to the side, as she takes me in. “Don’t be too hard on yourself, Love. With everything that’s happened, all of it in such a short amount of time, it’s a wonder that you’re handling it all as well as you are.”
We all fall reflectively silent for a couple of seconds.
“So, what’re you ladies talking about?” I ask, grasping for something that changes the subject and steals me away from my thoughts about everything that’s happened since I ran into the paladin almost two months ago.
The sister’s shoot each other a loaded look, and it’s as if I can see the silent conversation that’s playing out in their gazes. Lila takes a deep, fortifying breath and looks at me in a way that tells me she just selected the short straw.
“We were talking about Lachlan, Love, and the others, and what we’re going to do.”
I nod my head even though I have no idea exactly what that means.
“Lachlan, Keegan, and Silva all left about a week ago to pursue some leads. The house is empty, and aside from keeping it clean, there’s really no need for us there at least not while they are gone. But we’re discussing whether or not we should stay when they return however long that may take.”
I look at them confused. “Why wouldn’t you stay? I thought you’d been working for the Aylins for a long time?”
Birdie nods at me and her smile grows pained. “We have, that’s true, but given everything that’s happened, staying there while Lachlan behaves the way that he does feels like we’re giving our permission, and that doesn’t sit right with us.”
I look away from her earnest blue eyes and process her words. I can’t help but wonder what the leads are that Lachlan and the others are looking into.
“Was Lachlan’s paladin title stripped?” I ask, suddenly recalling what Becket’s bitchy mom insinuated at the dinner from hell.
“He was given a demotion for behavior not in line with the beliefs of the paladin. When the elders wouldn’t sanction reopening Vaughn’s case, he stepped down altogether.”
I reign in the snort that tries to tumble out of me at Adelaide’s mention of the beliefs of the paladin. So far, the majority of paladin I’ve met reek of sexist, controlling bullshit. Lachlan’s behavior seems right in line with that.
“Why aren’t you married?” I blurt, since apparently every thought that pops into my head now has to come out of my mouth. “I mean, you can tell me it’s none of my business, and I’ll shut up, but I thought caster females are supposed to be rare and precious and all of that--not that I really think anyone actually believes that. At least, I haven’t seen any evidence that casters revere females. Does revere mean control here? Is there a language barrier that I’m not aware of? Does precious actually mean commodity in caster?” I look over at the sisters’ bemused faces and realize I’m rambling. “Yeah so, how did you get out of the whole encouraged binding thing?”
The sister’s chuckle and their previously troubled features smooth out with their tinkling amusement.
“We’re Nulls, Vinna,” Lila tells me, as if I should know what that means.
Reading my baffled expression, she continues. “We have almost no magic. And no magic means no interest in binding with us or forming a coven.”
My eyebrows crinkle, and my mouth falls slightly open with the frustration I feel for Lila’s statement.
“But you’re fucking awesome!” I exclaim. They all give me a sweet smile, and Adelaide just shrugs her shoulders. “How is that overlooked and buried under what your magical abilities may or may not be?”
This time Lila gives me the shrug.
“Fuck casters then, let’s go find you ladies some silver foxes of the human variety.”
I push off the counter like I’m ready to go get them some love right this minute, but their chortles make me pause, and the fact that none of them have moved to follow me also clues me in that maybe they’re not as into my plan as I am. Bastien walks into the kitchen takes in my expression and the laughing sisters and walks over to me like he’s my reinforcement for whatever’s going on.
“What’s got the sisters all a cackle?” he asks me, before pressing a kiss to my temple.
Knox, Ryker, Sabin, and Valen all pour into the room, Evrin and Aydin bringing up the rear. Their synchronized arrival makes me momentarily wonder what they were all doing together. Last we spoke, everyone was heading off to get dressed before breakfast. But the sudden group entrance makes me feel like I missed some kind of impromptu meeting. The sisters’ giggles taper off, and it distracts me from my suspicious thoughts.
“We like our life, Vinna. We’re happy with what we have, and no male, human or otherwise, could make things any better.” Lila tells me with a warm smile.
“Sex!” I exclaim. “Sex can make a lot of things better.”
Aydin spits out the water he just took a gulp off and starts to cough uncontrollably. Evrin gives him a couple hard slaps on his back, and I can feel Bastien’s laughter rumbling in his chest next to me. I realize that maybe the sisters might not exactly be down to talk about their sex life, or the lack thereof, in front of all of these guys, but seriously, I'm not wrong.
Not that I'm some kind of expert, being that my first time was last night and resulted in two out of three parties writhing in pain, but I'm trying not to focus on that. Aydin recovers from his coughing fit, and the sisters start to bustle about the kitchen getting things together for breakfast. My statement is left hanging in the air like we weren't just having a conversation. I turn to Sabin.
"Casters claim that females are valued and treasured, but how can you believe that when they’re traded like prize stock if they’re powerful, and dismissed as insignificant if they’re not?"
Sabin opens this mouth to say something, but I can tell by the look on his face he's going to defend the beliefs he was raised with. I do everything I can not to roll my eyes and try hard to hear him out. I want to know why so many of them say they believe one thing but the action of the culture shows something very different.
"Our ways all revolve around magic and keeping it strong. It's the foundation of our traditions and practices. It may seem archaic, but where would we be if magic died off?"
"I'm not saying that magic isn't important, but why does it seem to be the only thing that is. The elders are pushing me toward the coven of their choice because they want a powerful match, but why is our match,” I gesture to him and the others, “any less powerful than what I would have with Enoch and his coven?”
I watch Sabin as he gives what I’m saying some thought.
“I don't for a second believe that it would be,” I tell him. “I honestly think they assume that Enoch and his group would control me better, which in turn gives the elders more direct access to me and what I can do. You can't tell me that what they're trying to do is all about keeping magic safe and strong."
Sabin doesn’t say anything, and I can tell that he’s searching for some other explanation or way to show me that what I think is not the way it is at all, but I don’t think he’s going to find it. I’m sure it can’t be easy questioning things and people that you've never had to question before. The doubt I see on his face doesn't make me feel triumphant, it makes me feel sad. Sad that the world he thought existed is crumbling before him under the weight of its bullshit facade.
I turn to Knox. "Speaking of delicate flower broodmares, let’s get that birth control potion you mentioned sorted."
He gives me a warm smile, but when it drops slightly, an alarm sounds in my head.
"I don't think I should try and make the spell, not with whatever new magic you've just given us. I don't wa
nt to make something and find out later that it didn't work, because my magic isn’t functioning the way I’m used to."
"Uh, okay, so what does that mean. Can we have someone else make it?" I ask and look around the room for volunteers because I'm sure as fuck not having any babies.
Sabin rubs the back of his neck awkwardly looking away and then back to me. "We can go to my family coven's shop; they'll have something for you there." Sabin offers, and I don't miss the tips of his ears getting redder or the blush that sneaks across his cheeks.
It's tempting to tease him about it, until I realize that I'm about to possibly meet some of Sabin's family for the first time and it will be when he takes me to pick up birth control.
Well, this should be fun!
32
I run my hand over the creamy leather interior of Sabin's old and lovingly restored Bronco. We sit in companionable silence as the familiar grouping of buildings that make up Solace's main part of town looms closer in the distance. I spot the bell tower of the Academy and realize I’ve never heard it chime the time once since I’ve been here.
“Your last year of training starts what... next Monday? Are you ready to start training again?” I ask.
Sabin features morph into an indecipherable look as he searches for an answer to what I thought was an innocent question.
"Yeah, I'm not sure, to be honest. Most of my life I've been picturing a future as a paladin, but now I wonder if that's really going to be a possibility for us."
