Because pain was suddenly there, in spades.
He wanted to stop but he’d gone this far. He had to force himself to tell her the rest.
‘After she signed the adoption papers she seemed...wired. I thought it was just the prospect of Sophie coming to live with us but obviously her worries went deeper. She refused to talk about Sophie being with us. She refused to let me bring her home until my application for formal adoption was approved, and with no authority I had to accept. So I threw myself into my work and waited. While Beck...thought of another way.’
‘Another way?’ It was a flat question, echoing bleakness. As if Addie knew what was coming?
‘I was at a conference in Denver when she told me,’ he said. ‘By phone. She was drunk and laughing. Triumphant. Apparently she’d met...someone she describes as her perfect man. He’s twenty years older than she is, wealthy beyond belief, someone who obviously loves the poor-little-me image. She told me she was filing for divorce. Irreconcilable differences. I can’t fault her there.’
‘Oh, Noah...’
‘So when I got home I expected she’d have moved out. But she was still there, sitting at the kitchen bench, drinking wine. She’d just come from the beautician. She looked stunning. Beautiful. Smug. And she was waiting to tell me that she had all her ducks lined up in a row, and none of them included Sophie.’
He was hardly talking to Addie now. He was seeing the woman he’d cared for for so long. Looking at her smugness. Feeling the desolation of what she’d done in the past and was doing now.
‘I walked in and she put her glass down on the bench, tilted her chin, arched those beautiful eyebrows and threw it at me. Her new man cared for her much better than I did. He had money but she wanted two-thirds of my assets. I’d done this to her legs and apparently I still owed her, big time. And, by the way, she’d notified Social Services that we’d split. The adoption was off.’
And that had been the thing that had gutted him. That still gutted him. He’d never felt such anger. Such helplessness.
‘But if you still wanted it...’ Addie whispered. ‘Why wouldn’t she let you proceed?’
He had to force himself to go on. To make himself say the words.
‘She said Sophie was nothing to do with me. She was vitriolic, hissing hatred. But she said... I’d be her ex-husband and if I stayed in Sydney and adopted her, sometime in the future someone could figure it out. Did I think she wanted a mutant appearing from her past? And when I said I’d move, take Sophie to another city if she wanted, it was like a dam burst. The fury... She blamed me for her legs. She even blamed me for Sophie.’
‘No...’
‘She kept calling her a mutant. She said she should have aborted her and it was my fault she was still saddled with threats of contact now. She wanted nothing to do with her and nothing to do with me. And I could no longer have access. Also I had to shut up. She knows how much I love Sophie and she has that covered. She has a second passport—Canadian. If I made a fuss she’d take her overseas and stage a breakdown. That’s what she’s done here, playing the foster system. She said she’d dump her on any foster system that’d have her, and she wouldn’t even have to tell me. If I knew what’s good for me, I’d shut up. Get myself a new life but don’t mess with hers.’
Addie was watching him, her face telling him she was appalled. As well she might be. Why on earth had he shared? He’d suppressed his grief, shoving it on the back burner, using anger, coldness, action to move forward. Now it was exposed and he felt raw. He could read Addie’s face and the feelings he had were reflected there.
‘So that was that,’ he said, bleakly now, like the past was something he couldn’t escape from. ‘I walked back out and I haven’t seen her since. Neither have I seen Sophie.’
‘So where is she?’ Addie whispered. ‘Where is she now?’
‘She’s still with the foster parents who love her. That’s the one good thing but it’s small comfort. After this mess, Harold and Beth agreed to keep fostering for twelve more months. They’re wonderful but they’re elderly. Harold’s been diagnosed with a heart condition and any minute now Sophie will have to be moved. I’ve had access, played with her, loved her for five years...’
‘Oh, Noah...’
‘But I can’t go near her,’ he said, still bleakly. ‘The next time I went... Beck said she’d put a block on my access. Even though she doesn’t want her, she won’t let me near. Legally I have no rights. But I’ve decided to fight. I don’t have a choice. The social workers seem to be on my side, even though their hands are tied. I’ve consulted lawyers and reinstated my adoption application. The court hearing’s in four months and I’ll fight until every avenue’s exhausted. Meanwhile, legally I can’t go near her. That’s why I’m here. I can’t bear to be so close and not see her.’
‘But I still don’t understand. Why doesn’t she want you to have access?’
‘It’s not logical. Maybe part of it’s punishment, for someone who damaged her legs. More probably she thinks it’ll get out. Sophie’s existence has always been kept secret. It doesn’t suit Beck’s image to have deserted her daughter. I suspect her new man doesn’t know about Sophie either. She’ll never accept any promise I make. To Beck, promises mean nothing.’
‘But you could tell anyway.’
‘And let her take her who knows where? For revenge. She’s perfectly capable of it.’
‘Oh, Noah...’
He shrugged. ‘So that’s it,’ he managed. ‘I’ll stay here until the court case. If I win I’ll head back to Sydney. If I lose my application for adoption I’ll still fight for access but if I don’t get that... There’s a neurology training programme in London that...might keep me busy. But I’m sorry I told you. Before the case comes to court Beck has complete control. Even now, telling anyone risks everything, and I had no right to land it on you.’
‘Noah, you do have the right,’ she whispered, and before he knew what she intended she leaned forward and took his face in her hands. ‘Of course you do. Noah...’
She faltered as if looking for words, but there were no words. They both knew that.
The silence intensified. The fire crackled next to them. Daisy had slid off Addie’s knees and onto the rug and Noah noticed. He noticed a tiny wrinkle between Addie’s eyes, a crease of worry. She shouldn’t worry. This was his grief. His...
‘Noah, don’t,’ she whispered, and she leaned forward, just slightly, just enough.
And she drew his face to hers and she kissed him.
* * *
It was supposed to be a whisper kiss.
Actually, it wasn’t supposed to be a kiss at all. She’d had no intention, no desire, no thought of kissing anyone, much less Noah, a colleague, a man who’d seen her at her most vulnerable.
A man she’d used for his strength.
A man who didn’t need a kiss. Even a fleeting kiss. A kiss of comfort.
But this kiss was not of her making. It was an instinctive, almost primeval response to pain, and she’d moved before her head caught up with what her body was about to do.
What her mouth was about to do.
Her mouth intended to kiss him.
Even then the kiss should have been a brush of lips against cheek. She should never have aimed for his mouth. She surely didn’t intend to.
But it happened.
Her mouth brushed his and his hands came up. In defence? To put her away? Who knew, because forces bigger than both of them seemed to be in play.
Instead of putting her away, his hands caught her face, his fingers cradled her cheeks—and the feather kiss became...
A kiss.
A kiss to change the world?
There was a stupid thing to think but somehow she was no longer thinking.
There was only this moment.
There was only Noah.
Ther
e was only need.
For in that one blinding moment, things changed. One moment they were by the fire, colleagues, maybe even friends, but a man and a woman who didn’t know each other very well. A man and woman who’d experienced past pain and acknowledged each other’s grief.
Addie was a woman who’d spent most of her life doing what was expected of her. Caring for her dependent mother. Carrying her mother’s grief. Agreeing to marry a man she’d thought she trusted, a man who had been part of that expectation.
And Noah? He was a man who’d been in a bleak and loveless marriage, who’d been treated in the worst possible way.
Maybe there should be bleakness between them. Maybe this night should be one of reflected grief.
But there was no grief now. Not in this cocoon of firelight, of warmth, of wine.
Not in the touch of two mouths meeting, or in the way Noah’s hands cupped her face.
Not in the way her body responded.
She needed...
Him?
She didn’t know. She was beyond knowing. All she knew was that she needed this moment, she needed his touch.
She needed his body.
And he felt the same. She knew it as surely as night followed day. His kiss was deepening, deepening and she felt she was drowning in it.
And she wanted to drown. She wanted to sink into this man’s body, to take what she needed from him, and to give what he needed from her. The loneliness, the grief, the bleakness of the last months, no, the last years, had somehow melted. For in this moment there was only Noah and his mouth on hers and his lovely hands drawing her closer.
‘Addie...’ His voice was a ragged whisper, and she could hear the desire in it. The naked need. ‘Addie, we shouldn’t. We...’
‘We can.’ Somehow she made herself answer. ‘Noah, right now, we need each other.’
There seemed no room for more words, because something larger than either of them had taken over. Desire had built to a point where it couldn’t be gainsaid.
Addie spent half her professional life dealing with the consequences of desire. She should have had far more sense than to let herself sink into this blissful abandonment.
But this wasn’t sense. This wasn’t even Addie. This was a moment out of frame, and she was suddenly a woman she hardly knew. She was the responsible one, the carer, but right now...to hell with consequences.
Daisy stirred and yawned, a great, goofy yawn, and it gave them pause. Noah broke away. He looked down at the pup in the firelight and smiled. And such a smile...
It was tender, it was loving, it was all the things Addie most wanted, had dreamed of...
The smile was for the pup on the floor beside the fire. Of course it was. But it didn’t matter.
And then he was gathering her into his arms, tightly, fiercely. Amazingly the smile was still there. For her?
And neither had to say what their intentions were. They knew.
‘You’re sure?’ he whispered.
‘I’m sure.’ How could he ask?
‘I haven’t...hell, Addie, I don’t even have condoms. I could... The pharmacy...’
Stopping now? Heading to a locked pharmacy and trying to find what they wanted?
And for what? If she wasn’t so immersed in need she could have laughed. ‘I have endometriosis and a history of impossibility of conceiving,’ she managed. ‘No luck with straight sperm donation. Two years with a petri dish. Plus I haven’t even started my cycles yet. And yes, I know better. But surely...’ Dear heaven, she wanted him so much. ‘Surely we can risk...’
‘We shouldn’t.’ But she heard it in his voice. He needed this moment—this night—as much as she did.
‘I know we shouldn’t,’ she whispered. ‘But we’re consenting adults and...we can. Let’s just, for once in our lives, be totally, absolutely irresponsible.’
He chuckled and with that the moment of defence—of sense?—slipped away. ‘Let’s,’ he said.
And then there was only each other.
‘Your bed or mine?’ His voice was husky with desire as he rose to his feet, with Addie somehow magically cradled in his arms.
‘How about both?’ she managed. ‘One after the other?’
CHAPTER SIX
SHE WOKE IN the small hours to whimpering.
They were in Noah’s bed. She was spooned against his body, cocooned in half-sleep, encased in pleasure. In happiness? Who knew, but it surely felt like it.
It was still dark outside and there was a puppy whimpering by the bed. Noah stirred and chuckled as he realised what the problem was. He kissed her gently, tenderly, meltingly, and then set her back from him.
‘Needs must,’ he murmured, and rose.
‘Come back to me,’ she heard herself say, and couldn’t believe it was she who’d said it.
‘Never doubt it.’ She heard the smile in his voice, the smile that melted her heart, the smile she’d dissolved into.
And then he was gone, scooping up Daisy on the way out. She heard him open and close the refrigerator door. She heard him murmur to the pup.
She didn’t stir.
Daisy was her puppy. Her responsibility. But right now responsibility was nowhere. This wasn’t Addie the responsible, Addie the dutiful. This Addie felt almost wanton, outrageous...free.
What was it about this man?
It wasn’t this man, she told herself. It was this moment. The circumstances. The moment was fleeting but she’d take it with both hands and hold on tight.
And then he was back, sliding down onto the sheets beside her, gloriously naked. His skin was against hers and it was the most magnificent feeling, erotic and wondrous.
He tugged her against him, chuckling into her ear.
‘Sorted,’ he said. ‘Or...sort of.’
‘Sort of?’
‘We may have puddles to attend to later, but I decided they could wait.’ His mouth started doing amazing things to her ear. ‘Everything can wait. It has to.’
And she felt herself smile and the smile was huge. It seemed to envelop all of her. She turned so she was hard against him, her breasts crushed against his chest, her arms holding him. Her smile just seemed to grow wider.
‘We have more urgent matters to attend to,’ she managed, and proceeded to attend to them. With diligence. With laughter.
With love?
* * *
Morning happened, even when you willed it away with every fibre of your being.
Morning and reality.
She woke and she was still ensconced in the warmth, the incredible sensation of being one with this man, the feeling of his whole body cradling hers. It felt like she was on an island, a sanctuary, a place where time had stopped. There was only this man. She felt...
Loved? That word had crept into her heart in the small hours.
But it was morning. Time for reality.
And love? The word was enough to pull her out of her fantasy, to have her body stiffen, to have fear step in.
And he felt it. Of course he did. Was there any nuance this man didn’t get? He was awake in an instant, drawing back, concerned.
‘Addie...’
‘What have we done?’ she whispered.
‘Acted like two teenagers without the benefit of sex ed classes?’ He smiled, that gorgeous smile that did her head in. ‘And now we’re remembering what Mrs Nottle told us in Sixth Grade. Or Professor Clancy in First Year Med.’
‘That you never, ever sleep with someone without the checks.’ Despite herself, she was smiling. ‘I’m not sure about you, but I had a Professor Yardman. She was insistent we head straight to the nearest clinic the moment we thought about holding hands and got ourselves tested for everything from dandruff to bubonic plague. And then we demand certification from at least three practicing medicos that our intended partner was free of
the same things.’
‘And then take all steps, up to and possibly including building brick walls, to prevent pregnancy.’ His smile faded, concern overriding laughter. ‘Addie...’
‘I wouldn’t worry.’ She couldn’t keep the trace of bitterness from her voice. ‘The health stuff is okay from my side. I was checked within an inch of my life before IVF. And pregnancy? Fat chance of that.’
‘Health is okay from my side, too,’ he said, but his eyes were still worried. ‘But, Addie...’
She got it. With his history... With Rebecca’s betrayal... Of course he’d be gutted if anything happened. And they had been stupid.
‘There’s always the morning-after pill to make sure,’ she told him. She sighed and tugged back a little more. ‘We were dumb. We were needful.’
His hand rested on her waist and the feel of him... ‘Addie, it was a great night. An amazing night. We could maybe...’
But reality was now crashing in from all sides. What had they been thinking? There were no maybes.
‘We couldn’t.’ She knew what had to be said. ‘Noah, don’t even think about letting guilt push this further. We were both emotional. We drank wine when our senses were heightened. We took what we needed. And I did... I did need it, Noah. In truth, I loved it.’ She sighed again. ‘Confession. I’ve never had a one-night stand before but I know what it is. This. No strings attached. Moving on.’ She managed to get her smile back in place. ‘And you know what? It was amazing. Fabulous. Just what the doctor ordered. But it’s over and I believe Daisy needs breakfast.’
‘You really want to move on as if nothing’s happened?’
‘I... Yes.’ But his hands were still on her waist.
‘Addie?’
‘Mmm.’
‘I gave Daisy a snack at three a.m. She can wait a little longer for breakfast.’
‘Noah?’
‘Mmm.’
Say it, she thought. Say you don’t want this.
But...maybe she could say it after she let herself dissolve in his body one last time?
How could she not?
A one-night stand should last at least until breakfast.
The Baby They Longed For Page 8
