by West, Jade
Wendy pulled a face, weighing it up.
I cursed myself down deep as I kept on speaking.
“Her name is Chloe, I believe.”
With that Wendy grinned at me and swiped her hand in the air.
“Oh, Dr Hall. Of course, her name is Chloe. You’re talking about Chloe Sutton. Has someone pointed her out already? I was planning on showing her around the department early next week. I sent her files, for your approval?” She paused when I looked blank. “She’s replacing Gina.”
Holy. Fucking. Shit.
I must’ve turned white. As pale as a fucking ghost.
“She’s replacing Gina?”
She grinned at me. “Yes. Well, so long as that is ok with you. She’s very excited, and very good. I thought she’d be perfect over here.” Another pause from her. “I did send you her files through, right?”
I didn’t know. Couldn’t think.
I couldn’t fathom anything other than Chloe would be in my team day after day, working on the same ward, walking the same corridors and sitting at the same bedsides.
“Are you ok, Dr Hall?” Wendy asked. “You look a little… unsteady.”
I summoned my most steady smile.
“Fine, Wendy. Thank you.”
But I wasn’t fine. I backed away from there feeling like the ward was spinning around me, and my breaths were tight in my chest. Fluffy bullshit fate had no place for me, so why was I flying and twisting inside, my belly lurching and wheeling like a fucking fool.
Chloe Sutton.
The girl from the train was a nurse. A trainee nurse.
Chloe Sutton.
A trainee nurse who was going to be on my ward.
Chloe Sutton.
A girl whose smile I’d be staring at every day, right through the day. The shift of those knees, and that flick of hair from her forehead…
Chloe Sutton.
I’d find out if she liked elephants.
Chloe Sutton.
I’d find out if she’d ever been to Pilsner.
Chloe Sutton.
I’d find out everything I wanted. Everything she was.
And I didn’t know if I could do it. I didn’t know if I could keep it sane.
I headed into Jim Harris, to talk about upping his medication, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it.
I felt sick.
Sick and dizzy, and fucked.
I felt fucked. Truly fucked.
Chloe Sutton.
I stumbled into the staff bathroom, stared at myself in the mirror and splashed water all over my face, and I made myself say it. Made myself pull myself together and just fucking handle it.
“Stop being a fucking idiot, man.”
I stamped it down – the shivers, and the excitement and the ridiculous fucking joy. Because what fucking joy was there to be had here? Because some random girl had a job on my ward?
No joy. Because there never fucking was any – only a pitiful little sliver of life amongst the death. Only a pitiful little sliver of life through the years of death, and the pain, and the loss, and everything else I was so fucking keen to save other people from, even when their days were fucking numbered.
The little boy down deep screamed and cried because he wanted to believe. He wanted to feel the light. But he was dead to me. He’d been dead for fucking years.
Chloe Sutton.
I wouldn’t react to her.
Not a jot.
I’d put a smile on my face and welcome her onto my team, but that would be all. The only thing I’d ever do.
I wiped my face dry and took a deep breath. I stared into that mirror and cursed the joy inside as nothing.
Nothing. It meant nothing.
I only wished I believed that as I straightened my tie and went the hell about my day.
14
Chloe
My God, universe, what the hell are you doing to me?
I was doomed.
My soul was singing to highs that were crazy, and my whole body was on fire, burning up bright. Because I adored that man. I adored that man I didn’t know. And it was stupid. STUPID. But I couldn’t stop.
My hands were shaking as I helped Vickie on reception in Kingsley. My voice felt thick in my throat.
“Never thought I’d see you late,” she laughed, still giggling about my clutter of limbs as I’d crashed on into the ward.
I wished I could talk to her. I wished I could blurt out how I was feeling and what the hell was going on, and how insane it was that I was already in love with the guy I’d be working with in a few days’ time, even though I knew it didn’t make any damn sense.
I couldn’t be though. I couldn’t be in love with him.
This was a crush. A stupid crush. It couldn’t be more than that.
So why did it feel like it meant so much?
My tummy was screaming, screaming. This pang of something was so much that I couldn’t sit still. A tickle and a rush, and a heart racing so fast I could feel it in my temples.
“You alright, Chloe?” Vickie asked. “You seem a bit… I dunno, weird today.”
I nodded. “I’m good, thanks.”
She shrugged it off. Gave it a “cool” and carried on with her work.
I stumbled through to my lunch break, smiling through every minute and giving as much as I could to our patients, but that tingle was crazy, right the way to my toes. I don’t know what ever possessed me, but I didn’t take a lunch break with Caroline, I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t take another second of this, not even one.
So I didn’t.
I don’t know just how I managed it, but I did. I found every scrap of do this, girl, I could in my heart and forced my feet one after the other along the corridors.
I don’t know how I made it. I don’t know how my legs kept on moving, but they did.
I arrived at the double doors to Franklin Ward and I sucked in a breath through my nose and I made myself do it. I made myself walk inside.
And there he was. Dr Hall. Standing there at the ward reception, pointing at a screen with a girl sitting behind it.
He was as beautiful as I’d ever seen him. Beautiful enough to take the breath I’d just sucked in through my nose.
I stood still until he saw me, and then I took another breath and cleared my throat as I stepped on up. And I dunno what I was expecting. Some singsong of angelic fortune and destiny blowing trumpets through the world, making him grab me with open arms or whatever. But no. The whole thing shrivelled in a fart.
“Can I help you?” he said, and his tone was as flat as they come.
We stood. Staring.
The girl on reception sat. Smiling.
And I was a fool. A stupid fool that felt like the biggest fool for ever thinking of coming over here.
“I, um…” I stumbled. “I’m Chloe Sutton, and I’m, um… starting here… soon… on this ward…”
He was cool as a cucumber. “Yes,” he said. “Replacing Gina Salzaki.” He pointed along the ward. “You’ll find her along there if you want to introduce herself. Just please don’t distract her from her shift.”
“Thanks,” I said, and I was a clutz again, a stupid clutz.
I forced myself to keep walking, like he thought for a second I was really there to see her, and like I thought for a second that he thought I thought it. Whatever. Yeah, it was clutzy.
Gina Salzaki was at a bedside, and she looked so kind as she held someone’s hand.
I pictured that as me in a few days’ time, holding hands and helping people find their peace, but the whole thing felt weird now. Everything about life felt weird.
I hovered outside the room, being sure to keep my attention away from what was unfolding in there, scoping out the rest of the ward and no doubt burning up at the cheeks. I tried to pretend my attention wasn’t on him as he walked up the corridor. I tried to pretend I was the coolest chick in town, who’d barely even noticed he was the guy from the train I was crazy about, but it was a joke, and we both knew
it.
He flashed me the tiniest hint of a smile and held a hand up, and it looked strange with his paperwork in his hands and not his paperback. It looked strange with him under hospital lighting, so bright and cold.
And then he stepped on past me, and it was easy to look at him then. So much easier to watch him walk away than meet his eyes. Which is when I realised I’d never seen him from behind before. No once, not ever.
I’d never seen how the flick of his hair at the front turned into a patchwork of a pattern from behind. A dotting of flesh between salt and pepper grey. Skin so pale, and such a contrast against the darkness of his hair.
So striking. So unique.
Alopecia.
Dr Hall had alopecia.
With that, Gina cleared her throat to get my attention, and I turned to face her, as wide-eyed as I’d been all day.
“Can I help you?” she asked, and I nodded.
“I’m, um… Chloe… Chloe Sutton…”
Her smile was amazing. “Chloe! Pleased to meet you!”
She beckoned me along the corridor, in the direction of Dr Hall, and I was edgy every step as she told me about how great the ward is, and how much I’m going to love it, even though it can get really hard.
I nodded. Dumb.
I felt dumb.
“Dr Hall is amazing,” she told me. “Seriously, he’s amazing. Quiet and… intense. But amazing.”
I nodded. Dumb.
“I’ll introduce you,” she told me, and with that she was already pushing into the office, and presenting the man who’d consumed my world, clearly not having a clue of the fact he’d been the one to point me to her just a few minutes previous.
“This is Chloe Sutton,” she said to him. “She’s replacing me.”
“Yes,” he said. “I know.”
We stared.
Awkward. I was awkward.
He was… nothing.
He smiled the most professional smile, with his pen paused over his papers, and Gina grinned away quite happily, seemingly oblivious to the whole thing, until the seconds ticked and tocked and she realised there was something weird going down.
“Well, I’ll, um… show Chloe around, shall I?” she asked him, and he nodded.
“Please do,” he said. “Welcome to the team, Chloe.”
But I didn’t feel welcome. I felt like an idiot. A stupid idiot with a crush I couldn’t contain. Not anymore. And holy fucking shit. Seriously. I opened my mouth and the words came, they just fucking came.
“Thanks for having me.”
Thanks for having me? That was it? That was actually it?
He smiled, and I waved. I actually waved. I waved and I backed out of there and Gina came along too, and if embarrassment painted you yellow and not pink, I would have out-burnt the sun.
“Do you know Dr Hall?” Gina asked, as we walked along.
I shrugged. “I get the train with him, in the morning.”
“Cool,” she said. “Looked like you knew each other, that’s all.”
I shouldn’t have said another word, but I needed to. I needed to voice it and make it real.
“We read books,” I told her. “Both of us, I mean. We show each other what we’re reading. On the train.”
She smiled. “Nice. I’ve seen him with books sometimes. He doesn’t talk to me about it though.” She laughed. “He doesn’t talk to me about anything. Maybe he’ll be different with you.”
Somehow I doubted it.
Gina pointed out rooms, and staff members and a load of other Franklin stuff, and I thanked her.
I headed back to my own ward after lunch and felt the bubble of familiarity, so kind and safe.
Too kind and safe to ignore.
Wendy Briars met me between patients as my shift drew to an end. She beckoned me up close with a nice professional smile and told me she’d heard I’d scoped things out with Gina.
“What did you think?” she asked. “Are you ready for Franklin? She said you seemed a little… nervous… and that’s ok, Chloe. It’s ok to be nervous and not sure if that’s the ward for you. It really is.”
It was her face, so intense, and her questioning so sincere, and right then in that heartbeat I wasn’t sure.
I wasn’t sure I could handle it, not being next to that man being so… cold…
I dunno. I didn’t even mean cold. I didn’t even know what I meant.
I shrugged. “I’m not sure,” I told her. “I’m just… I just want to be right for it…”
“I understand that,” she said. “And it’s a hard one. I know it’s a hard one.”
I looked around at the ward I was making so much difference in, with the team who’d given me a place I could belong.
“I’m quite happy here,” I said to Wendy, and she nodded.
“And everyone is loving you being here,” she said, then paused. “How about you have a think about it? We have a few days before training starts with Gina next week. I can assign the role to Rhonda in Leadon Ward if it isn’t suited to you.”
I know she was being helpful, and I felt it.
I felt so much.
I was a crazy mess of crazy, not quite sure where to go.
“Thank you,” I told her. “I’ll think about it. Thank you very much.”
I felt tingly and sick all the way home to Eddington. I felt dithery on my feet when I made Liam’s dinner for his lap on the sofa, and I couldn’t take it anymore. Not the excitement, and the fear, and the tingles. Not the insanity for a guy I didn’t know.
But there was more than that.
I couldn’t take the rest of it, either. I couldn’t take the flipside of the very same coin. The flatness, and the disappointment and the nothing.
Because that’s what this was now, my life with Liam.
It was nothing.
There were a whole different type of tingles when I sat down next to my boyfriend on the sofa that night and I summoned up the strength to speak his name.
He barely shot me a glance over his game, didn’t give a shit what I had to say to him. So why was I so worried about how I said it? I just spat it out and made it real.
“This isn’t working, Liam. I’m leaving.”
I’m not joking, it took him about ten seconds of playing before he even began to register what I’d said. He shot me some looks, and then one of them held, big eyes staring at me as he let out a huh?
He may have panicked a bit and asked me what the hell I was talking about. He may have followed me around shaking his head while I packed a bag for my folks’ place, but honestly, I don’t think it hurt him – not truly deep down where it mattered. This was as dead to him as it was to me, he just hadn’t given it enough attention to really think about it.
I told him so before I left, and he cursed and told me he loved me, and I was mental as fuck and should get some sense in my head. But he didn’t mean that. He’d be back to his game the second I was out the front door. That’s what the sense in my head was telling me loud and clear.
I waited for Dad to come get me, and he bundled my stuff into the backseat. I sat in the passenger seat all the way back to theirs, and Mum was waiting there like I’d be some devastated wreck, but I wasn’t.
I was more churned up about a man I was too scared to be working with than losing the man I’d said I’d be committed to forever.
I settled down back into my old bedroom with Beano, our collie, wagging his tail at my feet. I called up train times online, and it panged. A scared pang that chewed me up fresh, because Halsey was on a different train line. This was nothing to do with the Redwood line.
And nothing to do with the stranger on it. Not a glimpse, not a glance, not a shiver.
It didn’t matter what happened on my commuter mornings from here on in.
Dr Hall wouldn’t be there.
15
Logan
I’d made a mistake.
I’d let my own abject shock recoil me in the opposite direction, and I felt it.
What I’d shown to Chloe Sutton when she’d ventured nervous footsteps onto my ward wasn’t professionalism. It was a professional veneer. No warmth or welcome, just clipped and cold.
There was no smile and no Welcome, Chloe. So nice to meet you. No Chloe, welcome to the team here. We’ve met on the train, hello.
I’d remedy that.
I’d keep my own inner whirlwind contained and I’d introduce her to the ward just as I would do with any other new member of staff.
I’d even say more of a hello on the train that morning, that’s what I told myself as I sat down in my usual seat and took the paperback from my briefcase.
Brave New World.
I smiled at that. I sensed Chloe Sutton would be a brave new part of mine. A sweet face boarding my daily life in Franklin Ward, as well as on the train.
Only she didn’t get on the train at Eddington. The same faces boarded at the platform, but she wasn’t there.
The flame of panic was irrational, just like everything was about that girl. My heart started thumping, and my mouth felt dry, and I hated it. I hated how it made me feel.
Maybe she was sick today, or scheduled in at work on a different shift? It could be anything. Anything at all.
But somehow, I knew it wasn’t. Somehow, I knew it was more.
Again, it was ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. Worthy of nothing more than an internal curse at myself.
I reached the ward and sank into my usual routine, and pushed my attention where it should be, far beyond that stupid jangle that jigged around Chloe Sutton in my mind.
Except I couldn’t, could I? That stupid jangle just kept on jigging.
Wendy Briars reached my office early afternoon, with her usual clipboard of documents and her usual set of questions about the day, and I should have left it at that – only I didn’t. That ridiculous little part of me jumped up and out before I could shut its mouth.
“Chloe Sutton seems a nice girl. When does she move over from Kingsley?” I asked.
Wendy’s expression switched in a flash. “Ah yes, about Chloe.” There was a pause. A definite pause. “She’s a little more… unsteady after yesterday. Not quite sure if she’s ready for this ward yet. I think we’ll get Rhonda Freeman over from Leadon Ward instead. She’s very good.”
