by West, Jade
I fixed my eyes on hers. “Some of them are able to go home comfortably for their final days, and some of them are able to go to a hospice for that final support. But there are many who say their goodbyes in front of us, right here on this ward, yes.”
Another nod from her, and I wanted her to know what that meant. What it really meant to watch someone pass away.
“It’s a hard place to be,” I told her. “No matter how prepared you think you are to help someone slip away, it’s a completely different experience to actually witness them take their final breaths, and then to witness the pain of the people surrounding them. It doesn’t come easily.”
She didn’t look fazed in the slightest, just shifted a little in her seat.
“My uncle passed away really slowly when I was twelve,” she said. “He was in the hospice in Halsey, and I visited him every day with my mum.” Her smile was so genuine and so kind. “It was hard to see him go like that, but the hospice staff were so supportive and so calm, you know? They tried their best to make him feel ok, right up until the end.”
“They did their hospice proud. I hope people feel the same about our ward.”
“I hope people feel the same about me, when I’m in here,” she said, and she meant it. There was such delicate humility and warmth in her words. “I always wanted to do my best for people, too. Just like they did for my uncle.”
“I’m sure you will do,” I told her.
“Thanks,” she said, with a fresh little blush rising through the freckles on her cheeks.
I took a breath before getting to my feet and calling our introduction session to a close.
She thanked me a lot on our way back through to Franklin’s double doors and told me how much she wanted the position with that effervescent grin on her face. It was intoxicating, just how alive that little bubble of excitement was at my side.
I watched her leave, admiring her trot down the corridor back towards Kingsley, then forced myself back to the severity of my world without her in it.
The next few days were a rush of the same harsh routine on loop.
My patients were struggling, and I did my best to be their relief. My mother’s petals were falling, and I couldn’t make them stop, I could only watch that clock keep on winding down, every night I stepped back through the doorway at home.
I was tired. Jaded. Aching from strained legs and a strained spirit along with them.
Nothing was able to pick me up.
I did my best to smile for everyone else and keep their souls soaring high, but mine was lost to everything. I was scraping the barrel of my days, without so much as a smile to perk me up on the train in the morning.
But then it all changed.
The very next Monday morning Chloe Sutton stepped onto the ward, and along with her came that sparkle of soul everywhere she turned.
She paired up with Gina from her starting shift, and was gentle, and kind, embracing everything the role needed her to be, right from the very beginning. Her smiles were bright enough that they brought out a smile in everyone she met, especially those seeking the warmth in human closeness for their most desperate days.
Gina was impressed with her, and told me so at every passing opportunity, and so did Romi, and Richard, too.
I was equally impressed, I just kept that in check and didn’t venture close enough to lose my mind. I kept my smiles professional, and my words professional to match. I avoided small talk, as I did with everyone, and she didn’t push for more, just smiled and waved a hello in passing.
I could feel her nerves, dancing under the surface. I could see them beneath her smile, just a flutter. Heady and beautiful.
Four days went by, and her nerves were beginning to settle. I could sense it deep in passing, every fleeting moment I saw her near. Again, she was heady and beautiful.
I was surprised by her, as always. Impressed by her calm whilst maintaining her delightful buzz of enthusiasm, and by her strength in helping people through their pain.
Still, it wasn’t Chloe Sutton that surprised me most that week, despite the fact I’d learned to expect the unexpected wherever that girl was concerned.
It wasn’t Chloe who stopped me in my tracks, jolting me into a maelstrom of shock as her first week on Franklin Ward drew to a close.
It was me.
18
Chloe
My first days alongside Gina were intense and busy and sped by in a flurry that had me spinning inside, but they were amazing. Franklin Ward was amazing.
Gina and Romi, and Nadia and Richard were amazing, too. Everyone was so committed to everything they did, and never stopped giving.
I was determined to be like that too.
Those first four days on the ward went by fast and slow, both at once. I was exhausted every night when I got home to Mum and Dad’s, collapsing in the armchair and barely even able to toss a ball for Beano in the back garden before dinner. Liam was dropping me texts, asking me what I was going to do about my stuff at his, and I was sending him suggestions, but he didn’t really want to hear them, just wanted to keep groaning on at me between gaming tournaments. It only made me feel more exhausted.
Luckily, the craziness of the days made it easy not to dwell on the doctor at the centre of them. They were managing to keep my craziness for him in some kind of check, at least.
Dr Hall was polite, but quiet, barely saying a word to me outside of consultations. The difference between the doctor with his patients and the man outside of it was crazy huge. Two different pieces of a puzzle that I could never imagine fitting together.
I decided to keep my nosey little crush on him under wraps as best I could do. I didn’t even attempt to ask him about what books he was reading, or how his journey was in the morning. I didn’t say anything, just kept my comments patient-related and nothing else, and my smiles must have been nervous, but professional right back at his.
I hoped so, anyway.
Wendy Briars had nice things to say when she caught up with me as day four drew to an end. She said people had been giving her very positive feedback and congratulated me on doing a good job. It made me glow, but not enough. Not yet.
There was still so much to be learnt, and so much to see, and so much to do to make the biggest difference I could make to people. That’s where my focus was. On doing my best. Always on doing my best and thinking about how I could improve and do better.
I wasn’t expecting it at all when Gina let out a giggle on Friday morning, just as soon as Dr Hall had turned the corner at the end of the corridor away from us. He’d grazed by us with barely a word, just his usual nod and wave, and steps with purpose.
I guess I’d watched him all the way. I guess it was obvious, too.
“You like him,” she said to me. Three little words that had my heart thumping right up in my throat.
“He’s… brilliant…” I gulped. “A great doctor.”
My words were stupid and I knew it. Her grin told me she knew it too.
“He’s not married, you know. Goes home alone.” She tipped her head at me. “Maybe you could brighten up his nights a little.”
I was cold and hot both at once. Dizzy with embarrassment.
“I, um… I don’t think he… um… likes me like that.”
She laughed. “Believe me, he may seem cold to you, but I’ve seen the way he stares. He may think he’s hiding it, but he’s not hiding it from us, not when you’ve known him like we have.” I held my breath through her pause. “He likes you. Likes you, likes you, I mean. He can’t stop looking at you, even when he tries. He does this weird thing with his lip, pinches it at the side when you’re near.”
She pinched her lip in her teeth to show me, and I’d seen that. Barely there enough to even notice, but I still recognised it when she pulled the same expression.
I didn’t say a word, just stood there, staring in shock.
“Come on,” she pushed. “You like him back. Admit it! You couldn’t hide it if you tried.”
I
shrugged and flicked through my clipboard notes. “He’s a great man.”
“A great man and a hot man. A great hot man who likes you right back.”
I took a chance on her, a girl I hardly knew, because I liked her. I liked her enough to reach out with trust.
“So what do I do about it?” I asked her. “I don’t even see him on the train anymore to ask him about his novels. I don’t know what I could say.”
She pushed her way into the pharma room and I followed her on in for the meds restock.
“You’ll have to be the one to do something,” she said. “There’s no way he’s ever going to make a move on you. Not since you’re half his age, and a member of his team. He’ll hardly even reach out to share a birthday card with people he’s known for years, let alone ask a lovely little thing like you out on a date.”
I couldn’t imagine going out on a date with Dr Hall. I’d be shaking like a jitterbug all the way through.
Gina’s face lit up in a smirk.
“You could try to get some chatter going with him next week at my leaving party. We’re all heading down to Casey’s Bar on Friday evening. Even Wendy is coming.”
I’d heard about the leaving party. It was already scheduled in my phone calendar. Liam had moaned on at me by text because it was one of his suggested moving my shit options, and I’d said it was a no go.
“Seriously,” Gina said. “See if you can get some red wine down his neck, and flash him one of those pretty smiles of yours and ask him to give you a personal examination.” She laughed so hard at that, and I couldn’t help it, I laughed along with her.
There was no way on earth I would be asking Dr Hall for a personal examination anytime soon. Not with my duck feet and birthmarks. It would be lamplight at best.
“Honestly,” she carried on. “You have to do something. There’s no way he’ll be the one grabbing hold of you first, not since you’re young enough to be his daughter.” She laughed again. “His very pretty daughter, who is every bit the book addict he is from the sounds of it. You’ll both be reading in bed together when you’re done with the fucking.”
She laughed again and I laughed along but the blush on my cheeks was a scorcher.
I helped her on the restock and changed the conversation back to the day, but I couldn’t shake it off. That butterfly flutter inside. That crazy flash of hope that maybe, just maybe, she was right.
Maybe he did look at me with that tiny pinch of his lip, and that deep dark depth to his stare.
I was still soaring high with that crazy flash of hope when I passed him next in the corridor, just after that Friday lunchtime. I dared to smile my very biggest smile and say a hi and got nothing back from him other than the same clipped nod as he walked by.
I was deflated in a fizzle.
No.
Gina was wrong.
He didn’t want me.
Not like that.
And it was ok. That’s what I told myself. I gave myself a proper talking to inside my head, and said that Dr Hall was just Dr Hall, a great man to be working with, and I was just Chloe, a girl who was learning from him. It was true.
I was trying too hard to be worried about whether I stood a hope in hell that the man I was crazy about could ever be crazy about me too, and I was doing ok. I was doing good.
It was a dumbass part me that believed one short week in Franklin Ward could see me being good in that place. It was naive to think I could ever walk straight into that role with enough strength to handle it.
I wasn’t expecting it when the bleep of the ECG sounded out loud from Room 8. Gina rushed to Jemma Hadley’s bedside, and I was right there alongside her to help, my pulse racing hard.
Jemma wasn’t breathing. Her eyes were flat and lifeless, and her lips were turning blue.
It gave me shivers right down to my heart, and the world slowed down before me, my eyes widening on her son as he cried out for his mum.
Gina tried. She did everything she could to bring Jemma back, trying her best to help her as I tried to ease her husband and her son away from her side. She was still trying when Dr Hall got there, stepping back with calm to let him take over.
But I was anything but calm as I watched him, dumbstruck and useless as I tried to support her son and husband.
Dr Hall’s touch was magic. But the magic didn’t work.
Not today.
The world slowed down even slower and I was in slow motion along with it. I felt everything – felt the screams of pain from Jamie’s mouth as his dad held him tight and rocked and cried.
And no.
No.
I couldn’t do it.
I wanted to find my strength and help Jamie and Kevin out of that room, but I couldn’t. I was standing there, mute and useless, staring at Jemma as Dr Hall tried to save her life in those final few seconds.
Gina was a saviour to my failure, slipping in and helping Jamie and Kevin out of there.
I was dumb. Lost to everything but Jemma and Dr Hall, and the care on his face as he did his best for her.
I don’t know quite how long it took before Dr Hall backed away and said it was over. I’d barely even noticed Romi join him at the bedside and help as much as she could, but she’d noticed me.
She took my arm before she left the room, led me out along with her, and I was still mute, trying to summon the words that were choked up so tight I didn’t think they’d ever unravel.
She saved me the battle.
“It’s ok,” she said. “The first time is always so hard. Always.”
I managed a nod, and looked to the side to see Gina with Kevin and Jamie, about to close the blinds in the room next door.
She was calm. Still so calm.
“Really, Chloe,” Romi said in a whisper. “Don’t give yourself a hard time, it’s so tough.”
I managed another nod, but the tears were welling and I was doing everything I could for my trembling lip not to give up the fight.
I’d spent time with Jemma, Kevin and Jamie every day that week. They were happy and making plans for the things they were going to enjoy as a family, before Jemma would have to take her last breath. I’d seen pictures of their dogs at home, and Jemma’s favourite planters in her garden.
I’d heard them laugh, and I’d seen them hold each other so tight.
“Take a break for a minute,” Romi said, and squeezed my hand. “Honestly, Chloe, head to the staffroom and give yourself a bit of a time out. It’s ok.”
I managed another nod, but the world was shaking as I turned and walked away. My head was pounding and my chest was ragged, and it took every scrap of strength I had not to break down and sob like a lost little girl right there in that corridor.
I made it through the staffroom door but only just.
My first sob was a gulp that tore me apart way down deep inside. My eyes flooded and spilled, and my arms wrapped tight around my stomach as I doubled over.
I was snotty, snotty and desperate and broken, and I couldn’t stop it. Couldn’t fight it. Couldn’t do anything but break for Jemma and her family along the corridor.
I stumbled to a chair and collapsed, sobbing and rocking and sucking in breath.
I barely heard it when the door opened. I could barely see through the tears when someone stepped inside.
It was him.
It was his voice that sounded out. It was him who stepped up close and spoke my name.
“Chloe. Take a breath, nice and steady.”
But it wasn’t nice and steady when I took another breath, it was a gasp and a sob and a gut-wrenching splutter that took the wind right out of my lungs.
He crouched down beside me, and I could feel his heat. His hand reached out and squeezed, so steady and calm against my arm.
“It’s ok, Chloe. It’s going to hurt. It always does when you care. Let it out.”
I felt so small sitting there. A small, sad, broken little girl.
I was the broken little girl crying herself to sleep once
Uncle David had given up his fight and passed away. I was the sobbing little girl Mum held tight, sobbing along with me when she told me I’d never see Granny Weobley again, my pink bookmark gripped tight in my hand.
Dr Hall’s hand didn’t move from my arm, and I felt the gesture so hard. But still, I couldn’t stop the tears. I couldn’t stop how raw and ragged I felt rocking on that chair, hurting so badly for the Hadleys.
I tried get a grip of myself. I tried to tell Dr Hall I’d be ok, and to leave me to cry, but I couldn’t.
My eyes met his and they held, fixing hard, even through the tears.
His eyes held right back.
Fixing hard.
So hard and so steady.
And more.
There was more.
Everything stopped. Right then in that moment, everything stopped.
There was barely a breath moving in either of us as his arms reached out and pulled me close.
I folded into him, pressing tight, and it was there. Just as I’d dreamed it would be. Just as I’d asked for, but better. Better than I’d ever believed it could be as he held my body close to his.
His warmth was against me. His chest was firm. Strong.
His breaths were hot against my forehead, and his arms were so solid and so right.
So him.
“It’s ok, Chloe,” he said again, and this time, in his arms, I believed him.
My sobs settled into cries, and my gulps settled into gasps, and he was holding me. Holding me so tight.
Nothing had ever felt more right in my life than those long moments my chest was pressed to his. His heartbeat so steady against mine. His voice so strong, but so gentle.
“That’s it,” he encouraged. “Steady breaths.”
I calmed so naturally, held so safe.
I’d never belonged anywhere like I belonged in his arms, and I knew it. I felt it with every single scrap of my soul.
So much warmth in that touch. Warmth, and calm, and life.
The moments were magic beyond any words, until the spell was broken.
Romi came in through the door.
It was me who pulled away in that flash, jolting back from Dr Hall like some kind of guilty teenager and wiping my tears and snot away on my sleeve.
