THE OBVIOUS PLACE
What is known in a certain town as "A Shop Carnival" was being held, andlittle girls represented the various shops. One, dressed in a whitemuslin frock gaily strung with garlands of bonbons, advertised the localsweet shop.
When the festival began she fairly glistened with attractiveconfectionery, but as time wore on her decorations grew less. Finally,at the end of the last act, not a bonbon was to be seen.
"Why, Dora," cried the stage manager, "where in the world are all yourdecorations? Have you lost them?"
"Oh, no," replied Dora; "they're perfectly safe. I'm wearing theminside."
THEIR OPPORTUNITY
In war times Cupid is not only active but overworked, and people whohave never loved before do not wait upon ceremony. In the spring of1918, a certain rector, just before the service, was called to thevestibule to meet a couple who wanted to be married. He explained thatthere wasn't time for the ceremony then. "But," said he, "if you will beseated I will give you an opportunity at the end of the service for youto come forward, and I will then perform the ceremony."
The couple agreed, and after a stirring war sermon at the proper momentthe clergyman said: "Will those who wish to be united in the holy bondof matrimony please come forward?"
Thereupon thirteen women and one man proceeded to the altar.
DOING HIS DUTY, BUT--
That time-honored subject the wife who talks and the husband who enduresnever ceases to be a source of inspiration to the humorist, and it istruly astonishing how many new ways it can be treated:
One day the telephone bell rang with anxious persistence. The doctoranswered the call of a tired husband.
"Yes?" he said.
"Oh, doctor," said a worried voice, "something seems to have happened tomy wife. Her mouth seems set and she can't say a word."
"Why, she may have lockjaw," said the medical man.
"Do you think so? Well, if you are up this way some time next week youmight step in and see what you can do for her."
ANTICIPATING THE PLEASURE
Will Hogg of Texas says that down in Houston one Monday morning a Negroboy in his employ came to him with a request.
"Boss," said the darky, "I'd lak to git off nex' Friday fur the day."
"What for?" inquired Hogg.
"Got to go to a fun'el."
"Whose funeral is it?"
"My uncle's."
"When did your uncle die?"
"Lawd, boss, he ain't daid yit!"
"Then how do you know his funeral is going to take place on Friday?"
"'Case dey's gwine hang him Thursday!"
HIS COMPLAINT
To be truthful and at the same time diplomatic is one of the rarest ofcombinations, and only a small boy would be equal to it:
Johnny's manners had been improving at home, but at what a cost to hisappetite when he had an invitation to dine at a boy friend's house! Hishostess said, concernedly, when dessert was reached, "You refuse asecond helping of pie? Are you suffering from indigestion, Johnny?" "No,ma'am; politeness."
PUTTING IT UP TO THE HORSE
Pat had just joined a horse regiment, and was undergoing the necessarypractice in the riding school. After a particularly desperate attempt tounseat its rider, the horse managed to entangle a hoof in one of thestirrups.
"Begorra," said Pat, "if you're comin' on, then I'm gettin' off!"
THE WORM TURNED
A party of engineers were tracing a township line across some farm landsin Illinois. As chance would have it, the line passed directly through alarge barn having double doors on each side of it, and they found theycould continue their measurements through the barn by opening the doorsand thus avoiding the dreaded detour. The owner watched their progresswith considerable interest, but made no comment until they had reachedthe farther side of the barn, when he asked:
"Thet a railroad ye-all surveyin' fer?"
"Certainly," replied the chief.
The farmer meditated a bit as he closed the barn doors behind them, whenhe remarked, somewhat aggressively, "I hain't got no objections terhavin' er railroad on my farm, but I'll be darned ef I'm goin' ter gitup at all hours of the night ter open and shet them doors fer yer trainter go through!"
MAKES A DIFFERENCE
The German may understand his own point of view, but he hatesexceedingly to have that point of view taken, even in part, by any oneelse.
An official who has scrutinized the reports made by German diplomaticrepresentatives to their Government before the declaration of warfurnishes this extract from one of them:
"The Americans are very rough. If you call one of them a liar he doesnot argue the matter after the manner of a German gentleman, butbrutally knocks you down. The Americans have absolutely no _Kultur_."
SOLVING A GREAT PROBLEM
The whole Irish question, and its perfect solution--at least from oneside--is summed up by the reply given by an Irishman to a professor,who, when they chanced to meet, said:
"Pat, tell me, now, what is your solution to the world problem?"
"Well, sor," replied Pat, "I think we should have a worlddemocracy--with an Irishman for king!"
DIAGNOSED
Starting with a wonderful burst of oratory, the great evangelist had,after two hours' steady preaching, become rather hoarse.
A little boy's mother in the congregation whispered to her son, "Isn'tit wonderful? What do you think of him?"
"He needs a new needle," returned the boy sleepily.
GETTING EVEN
The captain and the mate on board the _Pretty Polly_ were atloggerheads. They scowled whenever they met, and seized opportunities ofscoring off each other with fearful glee. Each took a turn at making theday's entries in the log-book, and the mate, when making his entries,was very surprised to find, in the captain's handwriting, the words:
"June 2nd, 1917.--Mate drunk."
He stared at it wrathfully a moment, then a slow grin broke over hisface. He took his pen and wrote:
"June 3rd, 1917.--Captain sober."
KNEW HIS BUSINESS
A bellhop passed through the hall of the St. Francis Hotel whistlingloudly.
"Young man," said Manager Woods sternly, "you should know that it isagainst the rules of this hotel for an employee to whistle while onduty."
"I am not whistling, sir," replied the boy, "I'm paging Mrs. Jones'sdog."
THEN THINGS HAPPENED
Though she was old she wasn't by any means incapable of supportingherself; and at the fresh, youthful age of seventy-nine she went intothe business of providing teas for perspiring cyclists, and storing thecycles of those travellers who decided that they had better return bytrain. Her first customers were four young men who left their cycles inher charge while they explored the neighborhood. For each cycle she gavethem a ticket with a number upon it.
Late at night the tourists returned.
The old woman led them to their cycles with a smile of self-satisfactionon her face.
"You'll know which is which," she told them, "because I've fastenedduplicate tickets on them."
They gratefully thanked her; and when they found their cycles theydiscovered that the tickets were neatly pinned into each back tire!
WASN'T CALLING HER DEAR
Desirous of buying a camera, a certain fair young woman inspected thestock of a local shopkeeper.
"Is this a good one?" she asked, as she picked up a dainty littlemachine. "What is it called?"
"That's the Belvedere," said the handsome young shopman politely.
There was a chilly silence. Then the young woman drew herself coldlyerect, fixed him with an icy stare, and asked again:
"Er--and can you recommend the Belva?"
SOMETHING!
A young Irishman recently applied for a job as life-saver at themunicipal baths.
As he was about six feet six inches tall and well built, the chieflife-saver gave him an application blank to fill out.
"By the way," said the
chief life-saver, "can you swim?"
"No," replied the applicant, "but I wade like blazes!"
NOT ENOUGH SCENERY
The Negro stevedores of the southern states of the American Union havebeen conscripted and shipped in great numbers to ports in France forunloading the incoming American steamers. Their cheerfulness has quitecaptivated the gayety loving French, who never tire of listening totheir laughter and their ragtime songs. When the "bosses" want to get adockyard job done in double-quick time they usually order a brass bandto play lively Negro tunes alongside the ship. Every stevedore thereupon"steps lively," and apparently his heavy labor becomes to him a lightand joyous task. One stevedore, to whom the Atlantic voyage had been atest, exclaimed: "Mah goodness! Ah never knew dere was so much waterbetween dem tew countries! Dere ain't enuf scenery for me, no sah, an'if de United States don't build a bridge across dat dere Atlantic, Ah'sagwine to be a Frenchman for life."
IAN HAY'S FATE
Captain "Ian Hay," on one of his war lecture tours, entered a barber'sshop in a small town to have his hair cut.
"Stranger in the town, sir?" the barber asked.
"Yes, I am," Ian Hay replied. "Anything going on here to-night?"
"There's a war lecture by an English fighter named Hay," said thebarber; "but if you go you'll have to stand, for every seat in the hallis sold out."
"Well, now," said Ian Hay, "isn't that provoking? It's always my luck tohave to stand when that chap Hay lectures."
CAMOUFLAGE
After a "push" some of the lads of the Northumberland Fusiliers whoentered one of the captured villages set about making things comfortablefor themselves. Seeing a large wooden box some distance away, they madetracks to commandeer it On the way back an officer met them and queried:
"Here, lads, where are you going with that?"
"This old egg-box, sir--we're taking it along to our dug-out, sir," oneof them explained.
"Egg-box be hanged!" retorted the officer.
"Why, that's the general's roll-top desk!"
HAPPY ENDING WANTED
A charming, auburn-haired nurse tells the story. She bent over the bedof one badly wounded man and asked him if he would like anything toread. The soldier fixed a humorous eye on her and said, "Miss, can youget me a nice novel? I'd like one about a golden-haired girl and awounded soldier with a happy ending." After this the pretty nurse looksdown contemptuously on civilian compliments.
A SKEPTIC
A colored Baptist was exhorting. "Now, breddern and sistern, come up tode altar and have yo' sins washed away."
All came up but one man.
"Why, Brudder Jones, don't yo' want yo' sins washed away?"
"I done had my sins washed away."
"Yo' has? Where yo' had yo' sins washed away?"
"Ober at de Methodist church."
"Ah, Brudder Jones, yo' ain't been washed, yo' jes' been dry cleaned."
A PERSON OF DISCERNMENT
A Quaker had got himself into trouble with the authorities, and aconstable called to escort him to the lock-up.
"Is your husband in?" he inquired of the good wife who came to the door.
"My husband will see thee," she replied. "Come in."
The officer entered, was bidden to make himself at home, and washospitably entertained for half an hour, but no husband appeared. Atlast he grew impatient.
"Look here," said he, "I thought you said your husband would see me."
"He has seen thee," was the calm reply, "but he did not like thy look,and so he's gone another way."
AN OLD HAND
After two months at Rockford Private Nelson got his leave at last, andmade what he conceived to be the best use of his holiday by gettingmarried.
On the journey back at the station he gave the gateman his marriagecertificate in mistake for his return railway ticket.
The official studied it carefully, and then said: "Yes, my boy, _you've_got a ticket for a long, wearisome journey, but not on this road."
A TRUE OPTIMIST
It was Christmas Eve in camp, and very cold at that. There was a certainamount of confusion owing to the Christmas festivities and leave, and soforth, and one man was unable to find any of his outer garments. Hewandered about, asking all his mates if they knew where they were.
"Has any one seen my b-b-blanket?" he demanded, and was told that no onehad.
"Has any one seen my t-t-trousers?"
No answer.
The unfortunate Tommy scratched his head for a moment.
"Well, I'm jolly g-g-glad I have got a nice w-w-warm pair ofsus-sus-suspenders."
TIT FOR TAT
The young couple were dawdling over a late breakfast after a night at anultra smart party.
"Was it you I kissed in the conservatory last night?" hubby inquired.
She looked at him reminiscently: "About what time was it?"
TOO GOOD TO BE WASTED
A lady of great beauty and attractiveness, who was an ardent admirer ofIreland, once crowned her praise of it at a party by saying:
"I think I was meant for an Irishwoman."
"Madam," rejoined a witty son of Erin, who happened to be present,"thousands would back me in saying you were meant for an Irishman."
HE UNDERSTOOD
The pale-faced passenger looked out of the car window with exceedinginterest. Finally he turned to his seat mate.
"You likely think I never rode in the cars before," he said, "but thefact is, pardner, I just got out of prison this mornin' and it does megood to look around. It is goin' to be mighty tough, though, facin' myold-time friends. I s'pose, though, you ain't got much idea how a manfeels in a case like that."
"Perhaps I have a better idea of your feelings than you think," said theother gentleman, with a sad smile. "I am just getting home fromCongress."
TOUCHY
Lysander, a farm hand, was recounting his troubles to a neighbor. Amongother things he said that the wife of the farmer who employed him was"too close for any use." "This very mornin'," said he, "she asked me:'Lysander, do you know how many pancakes you have et this mornin'?' Isaid, 'No, ma'am; I ain't had no occasion to count 'em,' 'Well,' saysshe, 'that last one was the twenty-sixth.' And it made me so mad I jestgot up from the table and went to work without my breakfast!"
THE INTELLIGENT CAT
Two suburban gardeners were swearing vengeance on cats.
"It appears to me," one said, "that they seem to pick out your choicestplants to scratch out of the ground."
"There's a big tomcat," the other said, "that fetches my plants out andthen sits and actually defies me."
"Why don't you hurl a brick at him?" asked the first speaker.
"That's what makes me mad," was the reply. "I can't. He gets on top ofmy greenhouse to defy me."
PRIDE
A little boy was on his knees recently one night, and auntie, staying atthe house, was present.
"It is a pleasure," she said to him, afterward, "to hear you saying yourprayers so well. You speak so earnestly and seriously, and mean what yousay, and care about it."
"Ah!" he answered, "ah, but, auntie, you should hear me gargle!"
ROBBING HIMSELF
"Germany's claim that she imports nothing, buys only of herself, and sois growing rich from the war, is a dreadful fallacy."
The speaker was Herbert C. Hoover, chairman of the American Food Board.
"Germany," he went on, "is like the young man who wisely thought he'dgrow his own garden stuff. This young man had been digging for about anhour when his spade turned up a quarter. Ten minutes later he foundanother quarter. Then he found a dime. Then he found a quarter again.
"'By gosh!' he said, 'I've struck a silver mine,' and, straightening up,he felt something cold slide down his leg. Another quarter lay at hisfeet. He grasped the truth: There was a hole in his pocket."
PESSIMISTS
Out at the front two regiments, returning to the trenches, chanced tomeet. There was the usual exchange of wit.
"When's the bloomin' war goin' to end?" asked one north-country lad.
"Dunno," replied one of the south-shires. "We've planted some daffydilsin front of our trench."
"Bloomin' optimists!" snorted the man from the north. "We've plantedacorns."
DELAYED
The way they take air raids in England is illustrated by the followingconversation from _Punch_:
"Just ask Dr. Jones to run round to my place right away. Our cook'sfallen downstairs--broke her leg; the housemaid's got chicken-pox, andmy two boys have been knocked down by a taxi."
"I'm sorry, sir, but the doctor was blown up in yesterday's air raid,and he won't be down for a week."
HOW MARY LOST A TIP
Soon after a certain judge of the Supreme Court of Rhode Island had beenappointed he went down into one of the southern counties to sit for aweek. He was well satisfied with himself.
"Mary," he said to the Irish waitress at the hotel where he wasstopping, "you've been in this country how long?"
"Two years, sir," she said.
"Do you like it?"
"Sure, it's well enough," answered Mary.
"But, Mary," the judge continued, "you have many privileges in thiscountry which you'd not have in Ireland. Now at home you would never bein a room with a justice of the Supreme Court, and chatting familiarlywith him."
"But, sure, sir," said Mary, quite in earnest, "you'd never be a judgeat home."
A LITTLE TOO THRIFTY
Secretary of War Baker tells a story of a country youth who was drivingto the county fair with his sweetheart when they passed a booth wherefresh popcorn was for sale.
"My! Abner, ain't that nice?" said the girl.
"Ain't what nice?" asked Abner.
"Why, the popcorn, it smells so awfully good," replied the girl.
"It does smell kind o' fine," drawled the youth. "I'll jest drive alittle closer so you can get a better smell."
BEYOND HIM
A young couple, speeding along the country highway, were stopped by thejustice of the peace.
"Ten and costs for reckless driving," announced the justice.
"Listen," said the young man, "judge, we were on our way to have youmarry us."
"Twenty and costs, then!" cried the justice. "You're more reckless thanI thought you were."
ITS NAME
In a kindergarten class flags were shown, and in answer to a question alittle girl gave the response that was expected of her: "This is theflag of my country."
"And what is the name of your country?" was the next question.
"'Tis of thee," was the prompt reply.
THE ORIGINAL METHOD
Katherine and Margaret found themselves seated next each other at adinner-party and immediately became confidential.
"Molly told me that you told her that secret I told you not to tellher," whispered Margaret.
"Oh, isn't she a mean thing!" gasped Katherine. "Why, I told her not totell you!"
"Well," returned Margaret, "I told her I wouldn't tell you she toldme--so don't tell her I did."
GIVE US THE CHANCE
When Booth Tarkington was visiting Naples he was present at an eruptionof Vesuvius.
"You haven't anything like that in America, have you?" said an Italianfriend with pride.
"No, we haven't," replied Tarkington; "but we've got Niagara Falls thatwould put the d----d thing out in five minutes."
A DELIGHTFUL EXPERIENCE!
We often take delight in fancying what we would do if things were reallyreversed in this oftentimes trying world: and particularly what we woulddo to the president of our bank. Here is a little story which gives thepleasant variety:
"I have come in to borrow some money from you," said the bank presidenttimidly, as he stood before one of his depositors, nervously twirlinghis hat in his hand.
"Ah, yes," said the depositor, gazing at him severely. "But you don'texpect to get it, do you?"
"I had hoped to."
"What collateral have you to offer?"
"My bank with all the money in it."
"All the people in the bank?"
"Yes."
"Please say 'Yes, sir.' It is more respectful."
"Thank you, sir."
"Um! Ah! Will you put in your own family?"
"Yes, sir, I'll throw in my family also."
"Your prospects in life? Don't hesitate, man. Remember you are upagainst it."
"Well, yes, sir."
"How much money do you want?"
"One thousand dollars."
"Dear me! For such a small amount as that I shall have to charge you atleast six per cent. If you were a regular millionaire and wanted, say,half a million, I could let you have it for three or four per cent."
"Yes, sir. I appreciate your generosity."
The depositor handed the president of the bank, who was now almostcompletely bathed in a cold perspiration, a blank form.
"Here," he said, "sign this."
"Do you wish me to read it first, sir?"
"What! Read something you wouldn't understand anyway? No. I'll tell youwhat's in it. It mortgages yourself, your bank, all the people in it,your family, all your property, and your soul Sign here."
The bank president signed with trembling fingers, got a piece of paperwhich entitled him to the privilege of entertaining a thousand dollarsfor six months at his own expense, and withdrew.
Then the depositor, smiling to himself and rubbing his hands, said:
"Aha! I'll teach these fellows to know their places!"
DAD WAS WISE
When the conversation turned to the subject of romantic marriage thislittle anecdote was volunteered by H.M. Asker, a North Dakotapolitician:
"So you were married ten years ago. Took place in the church, I suppose,with bridesmaids, flowers, cake, and the brass band?"
"No; it was an elopement."
"An elopement, eh? Did the girl's father follow you?"
"Yes, and he has been with us ever since."
KINDNESS
Private Simpkins had returned from the front, to find that his girl hadbeen walking out with another young man, and naturally asked her toexplain her frequent promenades in the town with the gentleman.
"Well, dear," she replied, "it was only kindness on his part. He justtook me down every day to the library to see if you were killed."
MORE SCOTCH THRIFT
Harry Lauder tells the following story about a funeral in Glasgow and awell-dressed stranger who took a seat in one of the mourning coaches.The other three occupants of the carriage were rather curious to knowwho he was, and at last one of them began to question him. The dialoguewent like this:
"Ye'll be a brither o' the corp?"
"No, I'm no' a brither o' the corp."
"Weel, ye'll be his cousin?"
"No, I'm no' a cousin."
"At ony rate ye'll be a frien' o' the corp?"
"No, I'm no' that either. Ye see, I've no' been very weel masel," thestranger explained complacently, "an' my doctor has ordered me carriageexercise, so I thocht this would be the cheapest way to tak' it."
WORTH A CHANCE
The small boy stood at the garden gate and howled and howled and howled.A passing lady paused beside him.
"What's the matter, little man?" she asked in a kindly voice.
"O-o-oh!" wailed the youngster. "Pa and ma won't take me to the picturesto-night."
"But don't make such a noise," said the dame, admonishingly. "Do theyever take you when you cry like that?"
"S-sometimes they do, an'--an' sometimes they d-d-don't," bellowed theboy. "But it ain't no trouble to yell!"
CHANGE FOR THE BETTER
"We were bounding along," said a recent traveller on a local SouthAfrican single-line railway, "at the rate of about seven miles an hour,and the whole train was shaking terribly. I expected every moment to seemy bones protruding through my skin. Passengers were rolling from oneend of the car to the other. I held on firmly to the arms of the s
eat.Presently we settled down a bit quieter; at least I could keep my hat onand my teeth didn't chatter.
"There was a quiet-looking man opposite me. I looked up with a ghastlysmile, wishing to appear cheerful, and said:
"'We are going a bit smoother, I see.'
"'Yes,' he said, 'we're off the track now,'"
BIG CHANCES BOTH WAYS
The famous physician and the eminent clergyman were deep in a discussionwhich threatened to become acrimonious.
"You see," said the minister sarcastically, "you medical men know somuch about the uncertainties of this world that I should think you wouldnot want to live."
"Oh, I don't know," responded the physician caustically. "You clergymentell us so much about the uncertainties of the next world that we don'twant to die."
WARNING TO AUTHORS
One of Mr. Kipling's trees was injured by a bus, the driver of which wasalso landlord of an inn. Kipling wrote this man a letter of complaint,which the recipient sold to one of his guests for ten shillings. Againthe angry author wrote, this time a more violent letter, whichimmediately fetched one pound.
A few days later Kipling called on the landlord and demanded to know whyhe had received no answer to his letters.
"Why, I was hoping you would send me a fresh one every day," was thecool reply. "They pay a great deal better than bus driving."
CONSIDERING FATHER
Does the American woman always consider her lesser half? The followingtale shows that she does, although the lady's husband undoubtedly movedin a lower sphere. She was at that period in her existence where shegave literary afternoons and called her college-graduated daughter toher side and said:
"This afternoon, as I understand, we attend the Current Events Club,where Miss Spindleshank Corkerly of New York and Washington will give usher brief and cheery synopsis of the principal world events during thelast month."
"Yes, mother."
"This evening the Birth Control Association meets at Mrs. Mudhaven's,where I shall read my paper on the Moral Protoplasm."
"Yes, mother."
"To-morrow morning the Efficiency Circle will assemble here for itsweekly discussion and will be addressed by Professor Von SkintimeCloshaven on the Scientific Curtailment of Catnaps."
"Yes, mother."
"To-morrow afternoon the Superwoman's Civic Conference Committee willtake up the subject of the Higher Feminism, and in the evening theHygienic Sex Sisters will confer with the superintendent of our schoolsystem on several ideas for our schools which we have in mind."
"Yes, mother. That brings us up to Thursday. What shall we do on thatevening?"
"I thought, my dear, that we would take a night off and go to the movieswith your dear father."
STORIES ABOUT JAMES GORDON BENNETT
Many are the stories told of the late James Gordon Bennett. One, morethan any other, reveals one of his weaknesses--a disinclination toacknowledge an error.
Before taking up his residence abroad he frequently breakfasted atDelmonico's, then downtown. One Christmas morning he gave the waiter whoalways served him a small roll of bills. As soon as opportunity offeredthe waiter looked at the roll, and when he recovered his equilibriumtook it to Mr. Delmonico. There were six $1,000 bills in the roll. Theproprietor, sensing that a mistake had been made, put them in the safe.
When the publisher next visited the cafe Mr. Delmonico told him thewaiter had turned the money in. He added he would return it as Mr.Bennett departed.
"Why return it? Didn't I give it to him?"
"Yes. But, of course, it was a mistake. You gave him $6,000."
"Mr. Delmonico," replied Bennett, rising to his full height, "you shouldknow by this time that James Gordon Bennett never makes a mistake."
A pressman had just returned to work after a protracted spree. His facewas battered, an eye was blackened, and an ear showed a tendency tomushroom. The night of his return was one on which Mr. Bennett visitedthe pressroom. He saw Mr. Bennett before Mr. Bennett saw him, and,daubing a handful of ink on his face, he became so busy that Bennettnoticed him.
"Who is that man?" he asked the foreman. "What do you pay him?"
The foreman gave him the information.
"Double his salary," replied Mr. Bennett. "He's the only man in theplace who seems to be doing any work."
A dramatic critic, still a well-known writer, lost his place because hewould not get his hair cut. Bennett in Paris asked him why he wore hishair so long and was told because he liked it that way. An order sendinghim to Copenhagen followed. When his return was announced by asecretary, Bennett asked if he had had his hair cut, and being informedthat he had not, ordered him to St. Petersburg. On his return fromRussia, still unshorn, he was sent to the Far East.
"Has he had his hair cut?" asked Bennett when his return was once moreannounced.
"No, sir," replied the secretary, "it's as long as ever."
"Then fire him," replied Bennett. "He's too slow to take a hint to suitme."
STAYING ON THE JOB
In introducing the Honorable W.G. McAdoo to an audience of NorthCarolinians in the Raleigh Auditorium, Governor T.W. Bickett hadoccasion to refer to the North Carolina trait of stick-to-it-ness. Heused as an example the case of Private Jim Webb, a green soldier and along, lanky individual from the farm who had never been drilled in hiswhole life and knew even less about the usages and customs of war, sowhen he was conscripted into the North Carolina divisions in the latewar between the states, he was given only a week's drill and thenassigned to duty.
His regiment was in the Peninsular campaign, and Jim was soon put onguard duty, being given, as his first post, a place along the riverbank, and cautioned to stick to his post under any conditions, to watchclosely for the enemy, and to allow no one to pass who could not givethe countersign.
"Obey your instructions," said the officer of the guard, "and I willreturn at two o'clock with relief. Do not leave your post under anyconditions."
Promptly at two o'clock the officer returned, to find Jim gone. Hesearched long and diligently, but no trace of Jim. Finally he called,lowly at first, then louder, seeking to know if Jim were in the vicinityor had been captured. Finally came Jim's answering voice from out in themiddle of the river, "Here I be."
"What in the world are you doing out there?" asked the indignantofficer. "Did I not tell you not to leave your post?"
"I hain't moved, nuther," replied the indignant Jim; "the durn river'sriz."
BUSINESS IS BUSINESS
"May I see you privately?"
The well-dressed stranger approached the mayor of the suburban town withthe air of one who knew his business. When they were alone he said:
"I want to apply for the position of village burglar."
"Village burglar!"
"Yes, sir. I guarantee results, I only rob one house a week. Thisincludes a clean get-away. When a man, no matter how conscientious,attempts any more than this, he is bound to deteriorate. By employing meregularly you get the best results."
"What inducements do you offer?"
"Your village will be advertised regularly and in the most efficientmanner. I will guarantee to keep away all other burglars, thus insuringthe comfort and safety of your police. I return all goods stolen. If itis necessary at any time to wound any of your citizens, I will pay halfof the hospital expenses. Salary five thousand a year. Can furnishreferences."
"Nothing else?"
"My dear sir, what more do you want?"
The mayor shook his head, as rising, he indicated that the interview wasover.
"Sorry, my friend," he said, "that I can't accept your offer, but I amjust closing a contract with a man who not only will burglarize ourvillage regularly on your terms, but also will turn over to us as arebate one-half of the salary he gets from the burglary insurancecompany that employs him."
HIS FAVORITE BEAST
Harris Dickson, on a hunting trip in Sunflower County, Mississippi, metan old darky who had never seen a circus in his life. Wh
en the Big Showcame in the following season to Dickson's town of Vicksburg he sent forthe old man and treated him to the whole thing--arrival of the trains,putting up the tents, grand free street parade, menagerie, mainperformance, concert, side show, peanuts, red lemonade, and all.
The old darky followed his white patron through with popping eyes, butsaying never a word. Late in the afternoon they got back to the Dicksonhome.
"John," said Dickson, "you enjoyed it?"
"Boss," said John fervently. "Ah shore did!"
"What did you like the most?"
"Mistah Dickson," answered John, "Ah shore laked hit all."
"Well, what impressed you most?"
"Well, suh, boss," he said, "Ah reckin hit waz dat dere animul you callsde camuel."
"The camel, eh? Well, what was so remarkable about the camel?"
"He suttinly is got such a noble smell!"
A LONG STORY
"May I ask the cause of all this excitement?" asked the stranger in thelittle village.
"Certainly," replied the countryman. "We're celebrating the birthday ofthe oldest inhabitant sir. She's a hundred and one to-day."
"Indeed! And may I ask who is that little man, with the dreadfully sadcountenance, walking by the old lady's side?"
"Oh, that's the old lady's son-in-law, sir. He's been keeping up thepayments on her life-insurance for the last thirty years!"
A DUAL REPUTATION
As Grantland Rice tells the story, a certain distinguished Englishactor, whom we may safely call Jones-Brown, plays a persistent buthorrible game of golf. During a recent visit to this country the actorin question occasionally visited the links of a well-known country clubin Westchester County, near New York.
After an especially miserable showing of inaptness one morning, he flungdown his driver in disgust.
"Caddy," he said, addressing the silent youth who stood alongside, "thatwas awful, wasn't it?"
"Purty bad, sir," stated the boy.
"I freely confess that I am the worst golfer in the world," continuedthe actor.
"Oh, I wouldn't say that, sir," said the caddy soothingly.
"Did you ever see a worse player than I am?"
"No, sir, I never did," confessed the boy truthfully; "but some of theother boys was tellin' me yistiddy about a gentleman that must be aworse player than you are. They said his name was Jones-Brown."
ALWAYS SAFETY FIRST
"You say that you want some name engraved on this ring," said thejeweller to the bashful young man.
"Yes; I want the words, 'George, to his dearest Alice' engraved on theinside of the ring."
"Is the young lady your sister?"
"No; she is the young lady to whom I am engaged."
"Well, if I were you I would not have 'George, to his dearest Alice'engraved on the ring. If Alice changes her mind you can't use the ringagain."
"What would you suggest?"
"I would suggest the words, 'George, to his first and only love,' Yousee, with that inscription you can use the ring half a dozen times. Ihave had experience in such matters myself."
SURPRISING
Pat came to the dentist's with his jaw very much swollen from a tooth hedesired to have pulled. But when the suffering son of Erin got into thedentist's chair and saw the gleaming pair of forceps approaching hisface, he positively refused to open his mouth. The dentist quietly toldhis page boy to prick his patient with a pin, and when Pat opened hismouth to yell the dentist seized the tooth, and out it came. "It didn'thurt as much as you expected it would, did it?" the dentist asked,smilingly.
"Well, no," replied Pat, hesitatingly, as if doubting the truthfulnessof his admission. "But," he added, placing his hand on the spot wherethe little boy pricked him with the pin, "begorra, little did I thinkthe roots would reach down like that."
TRUE OPTIMIST
Among the passengers on a train on a one-track road in the Middle Westwas a talkative jewelry drummer. Presently the train stopped to take onwater, and the conductor neglected to send back a flagman. An expresscame along and, before it could be stopped, bumped the rear end of thefirst train. The drummer was lifted from his seat and pitched head firstinto the seat ahead. His silk hat was jammed clear down over his ears.He picked himself up and settled back in his seat. No bones had beenbroken. He drew a long breath, straightened up, and said: "Well, theydidn't get by us, anyway."
INDISSOLUBLE PARTNERS
Memory and Imagination had a discussion as to which was the greater."Without me," said Memory, "your buildings, your fine castles, would allgo down. I alone give you power to retain them."
"Without me," said Imagination, "there would be no use of retainingthem, for, indeed, they wouldn't be there. I am the great builder."
"And I the great recorder."
"It appears, then, that no one of us is greater than the other. Yet Iwould not change places with you."
"Why not?" said Memory.
"Because," replied Imagination, "without you I can still keep oncreating over and over."
At the end of a year Memory came back.
"What have you done?" asked Memory.
"Nothing," said Imagination.
"And you were wrong when you said that without me you could still go oncreating."
"Yes. I did not realize how dependent I was upon you. What have you beendoing during the year?"
"Reviewing some old friends. That was all I could do."
"Then we are practically equal."
"Yes. Let us live together hereafter in harmony, carrying on our doorthis legend:
There is no Memory without Imagination, And no Imagination without Memory."
DEPENDED ON THE MULE
Speaking at a political gathering, Congressman Frederick W. Dallinger,of Massachusetts, referred to the many amusing incidents of theschoolrooms, and related a little incident along that line.
A teacher in a public school was instructing a youthful class inEnglish when she paused and turned to a small boy named Jimmy Brown.
"James," said she, "write on the board, 'Richard can ride the mule if hewants to,'"
This Jimmie proceeded to do to the satisfaction of all concerned.
"Now, then," continued the teacher when Jimmy had returned to his place,"can you find a better form for that sentence?"
"Yes, ma'am," was the prompt response of Jimmy. "'Richard can ride themule if the mule wants him to.'"
CROWN PRINCE CALLED DOWN
Some years before the war the German Crown Prince got a very neatcall-down from Miss Bernice Willard, a Philadelphia girl. It was duringthe Emperor's regatta, and the two mentioned were sitting with others onthe deck of a yacht. A whiff of smoke from the Prince's cigaretteblowing into the young lady's face, a lieutenant near by remarked:
"Smoke withers flowers."
"It is no flower," said the prince, jocularly, "it is a thistle."
Miss Willard raised her eyes a trifle.
"In that case," she said, "I had better retire or I shall be devoured"
HUMBLED
Mrs. Mellon did not wish to offend her new cook.
"John," she said to the manservant, "can you find out without asking thecook whether the tinned salmon was all eaten last night? You see, Idon't wish to ask her, because she may have eaten it, and then she wouldfeel uncomfortable," added the good soul.
"If you please, ma'am," replied the man, "the new cook has eaten thetinned salmon, and if you was to say anything to her you couldn't makeher feel any more uncomfortable than she is."
IS THIS TACT?
An officer on board a warship was drilling his men.
"I want every man to lie on his back, put his legs in the air, and movethem as if he were riding a bicycle," he explained. "Now commence."
After a short effort one of the men stopped.
"Why have you stopped, Murphy?" asked the officer.
"If ye plaze, sir," was the answer, "Oi'm coasting."
WARNED IN TWENTY YEARS
Several Scotchmen were discussing the domestic unhappiness of a mutualfriend.
"Aye," said one, "Jock McDonald has a sair time wi' that wife o' his.They do say they're aye quarrelin'."
"It serve' him richt," said another feelingly. "The puir fecklesscreature marrit after coortin' only eight year. Man, indeed, he had naechance to ken the wumman in sic a short time. When I was coortin' I wascoortin' twenty year."
"And how did it turn out?" inquired a stranger in the party.
"I tell ye, I was coortin' twenty year, an' in that time I kenned whatwumman was, an' so I didna marry."
BEGINNING EARLY
Jack disliked being kissed, and, being a handsome little chap, sometimeshad a good deal to put up with. One day he had been kissed a lot. Then,to make matters worse, on going to the picture palace in the evening,instead of his favorite cowboy and Indian pictures, there was nothingbut a lot more hugging and kissing.
He returned home completely out of patience with the whole tribe ofwomen.
After he had tucked into bed mother came in to kiss him good-night.
He refused to be kissed.
Mother begged and begged, till in disgust he turned to his father, whowas standing at the doorway looking on, and said:
"Daddy, for the love of Heaven, give this woman a kiss!"
DISCERNING
"Daisy," remarked the teacher, "don't love your cat too much. What wouldyou do if it died--you wouldn't see it again?"
"Oh, yes; I should see it in heaven."
"No, dear, you're mistaken; animals cannot go to heaven like people."
Daisy's eyes filled with tears, but suddenly she exclaimed triumphantly:
"Animals do go to heaven, for the Bible says the Promised Land isflowing with milk and honey, and, if there are no animals, where do theyget the milk?"
ROTUND
An elderly woman who was extremely stout was endeavoring to enter astreet car when the conductor, noticing her difficulty, said to her:
"Try sideways, madam; try sideways."
The woman looked up breathlessly and said: "Why, bless ye, I ain't gotno sideways!"
BEYOND THE SENSE OF HUMOR
A Scottish soldier, badly wounded, requested an army chaplain to write aletter for him to his wife. The chaplain, anxious to oblige, started offwith "My dear Wife--"
"Na, na," said the Scotsman, "dinna pit that doon. Ma wife canna see ajoke."
A NEW COMPLAINT
A German, whose wife was ill at the Seney Hospital, Brooklyn, called thefirst evening she was there and inquired how she was getting along. Hewas told that she was improving.
Next day he called again, and was told she was still improving. Thiswent on for some time, each day the report being that his wife wasimproving.
Finally, one day he called and said:
"How iss my wife?"
"She's dead."
He went out and met a friend, and the friend said:
"Well, how is your wife?"
"She's dead."
"Ooh! How terrible! What did she die of?"
"Improvements!"
SOME FIGHT
An American Negro stevedore assigned to the great docks in southwesternFrance had written several letters to his black Susanna in Jacksonville,Fla., when she wrote back saying:
"You-all don't nevah tell me nothin' 'bout de battle a-tall. TildaSublet's Dave done wrote her all about how he kotched two Germans all byhisself and kilt three mo'."
The stevedore was reluctant to tell his girl that he was doing manuallabor and that his only accoutrement was the tinware from which he atehis war bread, "slum" and coffee. His reply ran:
"Dear Sue: De battle am goin' on. You would faint if I tole yuh de fulldetails. Ah'm standin' in blood up to mah knees, and every time Ah moveAh step on a daid German. We're too close to use our rifles, and we'rebitin' and gougin' 'em. At one time me and two othah niggahs was hangin'onto de Crown Prince wid our teeth, an' old Papa Kaiser done beat us offwid a fence rail untwell ree-umfo's-ments come!"
TOO STRONG A TERM
One evening just before dinner the wife, who had been playing bridge allthe afternoon, came in to find her husband and a strange man (afterwardascertained to be a lawyer) engaged in some mysterious business over thelibrary table upon which were spread several sheets of paper.
"What are you doing with all that paper, Henry?" demanded the wife.
"I am making a wish," meekly responded the husband.
"A wish?"
"Yes, my dear. In your presence I shall not presume to call it a will."
Best Short Stories Page 5
