FOLLOWING INSTRUCTIONS
YOUTH (_with tie of the Stars and Stripes_): I sent you some suggestionstelling you how to make your paper more interesting. Have you carriedout any of my ideas?
EDITOR: Did you meet the office boy with the waste-paper basket as youcame upstairs?
YOUTH: Yes, yes, I did.
EDITOR: Well, he was carrying out your ideas.
NO PLACE FOR HIM
On the western plains the sheepman goes out with several thousand headand one human companion. The natural result is that the pair, forced onone another when they least want it, form the habit of hating eachother.
An ex-sheepman while in a narrative mood one evening was telling a partyof friends of a fellow he once rode with. "Not a word had passed betweenus for more than a week, and that night when we rolled up in ourblankets he suddenly asked:
"'Hear that cow beller?'
"'Sounds to me like a bull,' I replied.
"No answer, but the following morning I noticed him packing up.
"'Going to leave?' I questioned.
"'Yes,' he replied.
"'What for?'
"Too much argument,'"
IN THE OLD DAYS
Lord Northcliffe at a Washington luncheon was talking about the BritishPremier.
"Mr. Lloyd George is the idol of the nation," he said. "It is hard tobelieve how unpopular he was, at least among the Unionists, once. Amongthe many stories circulated about Mr. Lloyd George's unpopularity atthat time there was one which concerned a rescue from drowning. Theheroic rescuer, when a gold medal was presented to him for his bravedeed, modestly declared:
"'I don't deserve this medal. I did nothing but my duty. I saw ourfriend here struggling in the water. I knew he must drown unless someonesaved him. So I plunged in, swam out to him, turned him over to makesure it wasn't Lloyd George, and then lugged him to safety on my back.'"
TAKING NO CHANCES
A big darky was being registered.
"Ah can't go to wah," he answered in _re_ exemption, "foh they ain'tnobody to look afteh ma wife."
A dapper little undersized colored brother stepped briskly up andinquired, "What kind of a lookin' lady _is_ yoh wife?"
TOO PERSONAL
Upon the recent death of an American politician, who at one time servedhis country in a very high legislative place, a number of newspaper menwere collaborating on an obituary notice.
"What shall we say of the former senator?" asked one of the men.
"Oh, just put down that he was always faithful to his trust."
"And," queried a cynical member of the group, "shall we mention the nameof the trust?"
AN ACROBAT IN THE SQUAD
Sergeant (_drilling awkward squad_): "Company! Attention, company! Liftup your left leg and hold it straight out in front of you!"
One of the squad held up his right leg by mistake. This brought hisright-hand companion's left leg and his own right leg close together.The officer, seeing this, exclaimed angrily:
"And who is that blooming galoot over there holding up both legs?"
HIS SYSTEM WAS A COMPLETE ONE
We know that the achievements of American business experts are oftenbeyond belief. Whether the following story is true, or is merely asatire, must be left to the judgment of the acute reader:
"May I have a few moments' private conversation?"
The faultlessly dressed gentleman addressed the portly business man,standing upon the threshold of his office.
"This is a business proposition, sir," he said, rapidly closing the doorand sinking into a seat beside the desk. "I am not a book agent, norhave I any article to sell. I have come to see you about your wife."
"My wife!"
"Yes, sir. Glancing over the society column of your local paper, I aminformed that she is about to take her annual autumn trip to Virginia.You will, or course, have to remain behind to take care of your vastbusiness interests. Your wife, sir, is a charming and attractive woman,still in the bloom of youth. Have you, sir, considered thepossibilities?"
The other man started to get up, his face red with rage.
"You--" he began.
"One moment, sir, and I think I can satisfy your mind that my motivesare pure as alabaster. This is an age of machinery, of science andinvention, and, above all, of efficiency. I am simply carrying this ideaof efficiency into the domestic life, which, as you are doubtless aware,is so much more important than the physical. One moment, sir. I canfurnish you with the highest credentials. This is purely professional, Ican assure you. Will give bond if you so desire. My proposition is this:I will accompany your wife on her trip, always, when travelling, at arespectful distance, you understand, and it will be my pleasure as wellas business to amuse and interest her during her stay. I doeverything--play tennis, bridge, dance all the latest steps, know thelatest jokes, can sing, converse on any subject or remain silent, am alife-saver, can run an auto, flirt discreetly, and, in fact, am the mostdelightful companion for a wife that you can imagine. Remember, sir,that unless you engage my services your wife is at the mercy of all thestrangers she may meet and being in that peculiar condition of mindwhere she is bound to be attracted by things that would otherwise seemcommonplace, there is no telling what the end might be. But with me sheis perfectly safe. I guarantee results. I insure your heart's happinessagainst the future. Terms reasonable. I can refer you to--"
In reply the enforced host rose up, and, taking him not too gently bythe arm, led him to the door.
"My friend," he said, coldly, "your proposition of safety first doesn'tinterest me. No, sir! I'm sending my wife to Virginia in hopes that shewill actually fall in love with somebody else, so I won't have to endurewhat little I see of her any more, and here you come in to spoil myfuture. No, sir!"
His visitor turned and faced him with a bright smile.
"My dear sir," he said, "wait. Business man that you are, you do notunderstand the extent of our resources, which cover every emergency. Inaccordance with our usual custom, I have already met your wife at abridge party, and I might say that she is crazy about me. Now, sir, fordouble the price of my regular fee and a small annual stipend, which isabout half the alimony you might have to pay, I will agree to marry andtake her off your hands in six months, making you happy for the rest ofyour life. Sign here, please. Thank you."
FACING THE TRUTH
Sanderson was on a visit to Simpkins, and in due course, naturally, hewas shown the family album.
"Yes," said Simpkins, as he turned the leaves, "that's my wife's secondcousin's aunt Susan. And that's Cousin James, and that's a friend ofours, and that--oh, now, who do you think that is?"
"Don't know," said Sanderson.
"Well, that's my wife's first husband, my boy."
"Great Scot! What a perfect brainless-looking idiot. But excuse me, oldfellow, I didn't know your wife was a widow when you married her."
"She wasn't," said Simpkins stiffly. "That, sir, is a portrait of myselfat the age of twenty."
HE GOT RESULTS, ANYWAY
American troops who during the early days of the European War werelanded in France received a more careful and prolonged training thancould possibly be given the most of the regiments hurriedly raisedduring the Civil War. The story goes that a raw battalion of roughbackwoodsmen, who had "volunteered," once joined General Grant. Headmired their fine physique, but distrusted the capacity of theiruncouth commander to handle troops promptly and efficiently in thefield, so he said:
"Colonel, I want to see your men at work; call them to attention, andorder them to march with shouldered arms in close column to the leftflank."
Without a moment's hesitation the colonel yelled to his fellow-ruffians:
"Boys, look wild thar! Make ready to thicken and go left endways! Toteyer guns! Git!"
The manoeuvre proved a brilliant success and the self-elected colonelwas forthwith officially commissioned.
THE TWO TREATMENTS
President Wilson an ardent advocate of ever
y kind of social reform, isfond of telling a story about an old teamster.
This old fellow said to the treasurer of the concern one day:
"Me and that off horse has been workin' for the company seventeen years,sir."
"Just so, Winterbottom, just so," said the treasurer, and he cleared histhroat and added: "Both treated well, I hope?"
The old teamster looked dubious.
"Wall," he said, "we wus both tooken down sick last month, and they gota doctor for the hoss, while they docked my pay."
COMPREHENSIVE
There is nothing like taking precautions.
In the following colloquy Mr, Casey, so far as we can judge, neglectednothing. Mrs. Casey said to him:
"Me sister writes me that every bottle in that box we sent her wasbroken. Are ye sure yez printed 'This side up with care' on it?"
"Oi am," said Casey emphatically. "An' for fear they shouldn't see it onthe top Oi printed it on the bottom as well."
BITING REPROOF
During a dust-storm at one of the army camps, a recruit sought shelterin the cook's tent.
"If you put the lid on that camp kettle you would not get so much dustin your soup."
"See here, my lad, your business is to serve your country."
"Yes," replied the recruit, "but not to eat it."
DISCRIMINATIVE
On a road in Belgium a German officer met a boy leading a jackass andaddressed him in heavy jovial fashion as follows:
"That's a fine jackass you have, my son. What do you call it? Albert, Ibet!"
"Oh, no, officer," the boy replied quickly. "I think too highly of myKing."
The German scowled and returned:
"I hope you don't dare to call it William."
"Oh, no, officer. I think too highly of my jackass."
NOTHING TO LOSE
An author has favored us with the following anecdote, which is takenfrom the opening of a chapter in a forthcoming book dealing with thewar. It is another example of the pioneer character of ministerialservice with us. The varieties of opportunity are constantly changing,but out in the front, according to the needs of our day and generation,there stands the Unitarian with the equipped mind and the ready hand. "Ayear ago, in London, a man originally from New York State came up andspoke to me as a fellow-American. He wore the garb of a Canadianofficer. After I had answered his query as to what I was doing inEngland, he said: 'My work is rather different. I am looking after thesocial evil and venereal diseases in the Canadian Army.' 'Then you are amedical man?' 'No, said he, 'I tried to get my English medical friendsto take hold of the work, but they said that they had their reputationsto look after. I have no reputation to lose. _I am simply a Unitarianclergyman._'"
BAIT
When Mike Flaherty abandoned South Boston for Lynn and hired a cottagewith a bit of a back yard the first thing he did was to hurry back tothe Hub of the Universe and purchase a monkey. "Divil a wurrd" of hisscheme would he disclose to his old cronies in Boston. But afterward helet out:
"'Twas like this: I chained the monk to a shtick in me yard, and thecoal thrains do be passin' all day foreninst, and on iv'ry cairr do be abrakeman. In one waik, begorra, I had two tons of coal in me cellar, andthe monk never wanst hit."
BASEBALL "OVER THERE"
In a camp "Over There" the Turkish prisoners are allowed some freedomand among other things our American boys introduced them to the game ofbaseball. The Turks did remarkably well at it. One of them stepped up tothe bat one day, and taking it firmly in his hand turned to the east andsalaaming said in a reverent voice "Allah, assist thy servant." He thenmade a three bagger.
The next player to the bat was an American boy who was not going to letthat Turk beat him. He also stepped up to the bat, clasped it firmly inhis hand, salaaming to the east said, "You know me, Al,' keeping up withthe Turk."
INDEX OF TITLES
Accounting for It 23 Accuracy 101 Acrobat in the Squad, An 243 Advice to Mabel 141 Alas! Too Late! 35 Allegro 119 All or Nothing 159 Always Get the Facts 4 Always Safety First 216 Anglomaniac, An 93 And He Succeeded 173 Another Engagement 100 Anticipating the Pleasure 184 Appraised 71 Appreciation 119 Apprehending the Kaiser 168 Archie's Neck 109 Arrival of Wilhelm, The 31 Automatic "Efficiency" 149 Bait 251 Balls 89 Bargain-counter Golf 116 Baseball "Over There" 251 Bay State Solomon, A 83 Beginning Early 222 Benefactor of Mankind, A 228 Best of Reasons 235 Better Way, The 147 Beyond Him 200 Beyond the Sense of Humor 224 Big Chances Both Ways 206 Biting Reproof 249 Blissful Ignorance 137 Boiled 144 Bootblack's Generosity, The 162 Business Is Business 161, 212 Caesar Visits Cicero 30 Camouflage 191 Can This Be True? 4 Cash! 50 Cautious Mourner 98 Change for the Better 206 Charity 140 Clincher, A 26 Coaxer, A 149 Comparison 58 Compliments of the Day 46 Comprehensive 249 Comrades! 57 Conclusive 130 Connoisseur, A 28 Considering Father 207 Couldn't Be Bothered 85 Crown Prince Called Down 220 Curiosity 156 Dad Was Wise 205 Danger Signals 87 Deep-laid Plan, A 136 Deep One, A 104 Delayed 198 Delightful Experience, A 201 Depended on the Mule 219 Deserved the Legacy 75 Diagnosed 187 Diagnosing Himself 81 Didn't Suit Him 49 Didn't Want to Rob Him 114 Difference, The 118 Difficult Passage, A 123 Dignities of Office, The 143 Diplomat, A 117 Disadvantage, A 84 Discerning 223 Discriminative 249 Doing His Duty, But 183 Doing Unto His Neighbor 124 Dual Reputation, A 215 Durable 101 Easy Adjustment, An 70 Easy Matter, An 72 Ecclesiastical Dues Enforced 69 Eclipse, The, to Order 27 Effective! 122 Elimination 166 Endurance 180 Enough! 174 Envy? 38 Equatorial Michigan 236 Evidence 126 Experienced 113 Expert, An 227 Facing the Truth 246 Fact Was, The 237 Fair Warning 175 Fame 144 Figuratively Speaking 134 Flattering Explanation, A 49 Following Instructions 240 Forced Into It 145 French Politeness 231 Frugal to the End 239 Full Particulars Free 19 Full Spead Ahead 177 Futile Experiment, A 39 Future Statesman, A 127 Gastronomical 151 Gentle Dissolution, A 39 German Arithmetic 122 Get-rich-quick Scheme, A 48 Getting Even 109, 187 Gifted Youth, A 107 Give Him Time 82 Give Us the Chance 201 Grateful to the Doctor 138 Great Relief in Heaven 7 Guide!
167 Guilty 38 Guilty Conscience, A 153 Had Had Treatment 29 Had His Rights 102 Had Heard Him Before 54 Had to Be Settled 21 Happy Ending Wanted 192 Hard Knock, A 100 Hard Up for Wind 157 Heaven Sent 47 He Couldn't Have Missed It 37 He Got It Twice 142 He Got Results Anyway 247 He Knew Bryan 158 He Knew the Law 10 He Might be, but She Wasn't 138 He Obeyed 175 Her Domestic Instincts 55 Her Own 64 Her Prayer 98 He Scorned the Thought 171 He Understood 195 He Was Broad Minded 6 He Was Not a Prohibitionist 170 High Finance 15 His Application 25 His by Right 234 His Complaint 184 His Favorite Beast 214 His Generosity 114 His Great Ambition 167 His Lack 23 His Need 159 His Search for the Practical 157 His System Was a Complete One 243 Historical 63 His Ultimatum 107 Hoodooed 145 Horse Psychologist, A 148 How Could He Know? 131 How He Got Them 29 How Mary Lost a Tip 199 How to Tell a Well-bred Dog 128 How War Began 180 Humbled 221 Ian Hay's Fate 191 Immortal! 33 Impersonal 172 Improvement! 76 In Advance 131 Inconsiderate 99 Indissoluble Partners 218 In Memoriam 83 In Our Melting Pot 81 Intelligent Cat, The 196 In the Old Days 241 Is This Tact? 221 It Happened in Illinois 108 "It Is Forbidden" 97 Its Name 200 Jeems Henry Was Conjured! 73 Joe's Diagnosis 89 Joy of Eating 115 Just Answered 120 Justice to T.R. 169 Kaiser's Last Word, The 163 Keeping It in the Family 74 Kindness 204 Knew His Business 188 Knew His Job 92 Knew More About Hens Than History, 140 Last Resort 56 Last Word, The, as Usual 238 Lesson in Manners, A 154 Life, The 84 Life's Eternal Query 14 Limit, The 124, 232 Limited Dissipation 232 Literal Censor, A 151 Little too Thrifty, A 199 Long Story, A 215 Looked That Way 57 Makes a Difference 186 Making It Fit 154 Man He Left Behind, The 135 Manna 47 Mark Twain on Millionaires 64 Matrimonial Endurance 180 Matrimonial Profundity 15 Matter of Nomenclature, A 96 Matter with Kansas, The 146 Memories 69 Might Draw Business 43 Misleading 88 Missed His Chance 6 Missing It 181 Mistaken Identity? 53 Mistakes Will Happen 87 More Scotch Thrift 204 Moving Tale, A 65 Much Simpler 105 New Complaint, A 224 New Regime, The 16 New Servant-girl Story 5 "Next!" 58 No Change in Shylock 174 No Danger 43 Non Fit 234 No Free Advertising 132 No Joque 165 No Peace for Him 144 No Place for Him 240 No Telling 125 No Use for It 121 Not a Native 141 Not Enough Scenery 190 Not For Her to Say 227 Nothing to Lose 250 Not in the Tactics 153 Not Much to Talk About 240 Not So Difficult 75 Nourishment 28 Obeying Orders 91 Obvious Place, The 182 Old Hand, An 193 On Duty Elsewhere 162 One Explanation 94 One on Him 80 One Way Out 179 On Her Nerves 50 Only one Thing for Him 136 Oriental Politeness 34 Original Method, The 201 "Over Here" 13 Perfectly Natural 117 Perfect Program, A 232 Perpetual Motion 113 Person of Discernment, A 193 Pessimists 198 Pigtails and Moustaches 157 Playing Safe 178 Point of Honor, The 3 Poser, A 42 "Prayer of the Unrighteous" 101 Preparedness 176 Pride 197 Pride in the Daily Task 114 Probably Right 111 Proper Spirit, The 112 Proposal, The 139 Proving It 104 Purely Literary 90 Putting It up to the Horse 185 Ready-witted Parson, A 103 Real Culprit, The 95 Record Breaker, A 126 Remorse 94 Revealed 80 Revised Classics 24, 163 Rivalry 172 Robbing Himself 197 Rotund 224 Safe 45 Safe Deposit 146 Same Old Hours, The 133 Scotch Thrills 25 Scriptural 236 Sensitive 121 Sermon on the War, A, By Parson Brown, 10 She Admitted It 228 She Knew Him 48 Silent Contempt 106 Silver Lining, The 230 Simple Faith 231 Simple Political Life, The 156 Skeptic, A 192 Smarty! 26 Smarty! 127 Soft Answer, A 88 Solving a Great Problem 186 Some Fight 225 Some Speed 135 Something! 189 Specially Endowed 165 Sporting Proposition, A 139 Staying on the Job 211 Still Companionable 70 Still Not Satisfied 148 Still Unbeaten 22 Stock Suffrage Argument, A 103 Story from the Front, A 235 Stories about James Gordon Bennett, 209 Sunshine, Mr., and Mr, Gloom 61 Surprising 217 Table of Comparison 92 Taking no Chances 242 Taxed to Capacity 150 Test of Friendship, A 136 Teuton Way, The 118 Their "Bit" 86 Their One Topic 110 Their Opportunity 182 Then Things Happened 188 They Meant to Be Fair 40 They Were so Glad to See Him 19 This Happened in Chicago 53 "Tipperary" in Chinese 233 Tit for Tat 194 Too Forward 90 Too Good to Be Wasted 195 Too Long a Shot 120 Too Much! 52, 142 Too Personal 242 Too Strong a Term 226 Touchy 196 Try It and See 128 Try This 115 True Optimist, A 194, 217 Two Treatments, The 248 Unchangeable 9 Uneasy 116 Unfortunate Affair, An 155 Unprepared Base Threatened 98 Unreturned Favors
112 Up to Him 152 Vulnerable 87 Warned in Twenty Years 222 Warning to Authors 207 Wasn't Calling Her Dear 189 Welcoming the Actor 85 What Did Solomon Say? 107 What He Might Have Been 129 When the "S" Fell Out 18 Where Ignorance Is Bliss 17 Where Vermont Scored 123 Who Could Tell? 36 Why Be Polite Anyway? 31 Why Not? 130, 132, 133 Why Should He Know? 77 Winner, The 150 Words Failed Her 178 Worm Turned, The 185 Worse! 118 Worth a Chance 205 Yankee Fodder 93
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