* * *
“I hope you chose the perfect day, June 16. I can smell the flowers in your room, I gasp at the most beautiful dress you have on and there is even a tear of happiness glistening in my eyes as I cannot believe the woman you have turned into.
I hope that the man waiting for you in front of the altar is everything your heart desire. I hope you didn’t settle for less. Try to find someone like your father. Someone who is kind, and loves you dearly, who wants to make your heart’s desires come true, and someone that takes your breath away every time he enters the room.
I wish I was there to help you get into your dress, to give you that final kiss, and tell you how beautiful you are.
This day should be one of your happiest days of your life, shared with loved ones all around you. Remember to enjoy the dance with your father. Choose something silly, he can be so serious at times. I hope your brothers don’t make a mess and that they pull through on their promises this time. I’ll talk to them, I promise. They will be at their best behavior.
At reception, I hope you are going to love the messages everyone is going to give you. And I hope that you are going to love your husband as much as I love you. You need that unconditional love, the kind that God intended for marriage. It’s not always sunshine and roses, baby, but at the end, I promise you, the fights are worth it. Just don’t run away, please.
Unless it’s for your life, stay and fight. But if you have chosen correctly, I’m sure he would be just fine.
I love you baby girl. Don’t forget me please.
The last one she would write another day. Motherhood was something she knows a lot about, and it would also be her final letter.
Nineteen
She gave Aggie the letters she already finished to keep in a safe place.
If Jake, Amelia or Robin found out about it, they will fight more, asking why she is doing it, if she promise to fight.
She didn’t have the strength to fight anymore and she needed her strength to finish all the letters. She needed to tell them how she felt and what she wanted them to know.
She slept almost the entire day and when she woke up she found Bernie next to her bed.
“Hey poops,” she croaked.
“Hey babes.” Tears welled up in Bernie’s eyes and she tried to hide them.
“Don’t cry.”
“Just like fucking old times, huh?” Bernie wiped her face.
“Don’t let one of the Peters see you, they will chuck you out.”
“They can try,” she snapped and Holly smiled. “So a kidney and a fucking liver huh?”
“Yes, and please don’t. It’s really not a piece of candy.”
She laughed. “I’m not a match, Holly. And neither is Leo. Sorry, I just don’t want to lose you too. Where’s jellybean?”
“With Amelia or Gus or my mom. It upsets her to see me like this.”
“I can imagine. But I doubt that she would want to be anywhere else.”
“I’m really trying, Bernie. I have so much to live for.”
“I know. You know the boys are going to be little shitheads, breaking hearts left, right. and center.”
“Yeah, those black hair and green eyes. Why do they have to look like him?”
“Genes are stronger, I guess.”
She chuckled tiredly. “If only I can feel better than trying to hold on till Devenn gets my organs might not be so fucking difficult.”
“So, you are really cancer free?”
“Yip, and I’m going to die from organ failure. So fucking unfair.”
“I don’t get it, most patients live long on dialysis. I googled. Why not you?”
“First of all, my blood type is rare and although it’s really great helping others, it’s not so great at helping me. It’s like it’s stronger for other people but for me it’s just not that strong. Second, I need to wait for a donor of the same blood type as I have. Bummer. And only seven percent—Jake kept yelling that at Robin—has it. You think we can find one of them? It’s like I’m the only one that is alive with that type of blood, and the two times they got a kidney, or a liver, there were others needing it more than me.”
“It’s not fair.”
“I know. But it’s how it is.”
“It can’t end like this, Holly. It can’t.”
“Where’s Leo?”
“Listening to Jake’s seven-percent rant at the bar downtown.”
Holly laughed, but then she coughed from her nausea.
“Sorry,” Bernie apologized.
“No laughter is great. It’s better than just to lie in this fucking bed.”
“Jake needs to let it out, Holly. Leo’s sort of been there for him before.”
“I forgot. Getting his fat ass back to what he is now.”
“That was nothing compared to the time you left.”
“He got fat again.”
“No, but it was worse. I should’ve never believed Mara.”
“It’s in the past, Bern.”
“We could’ve had more time with you. It’s not just something you forget, Holly.”
“You can’t do shit about it. I should’ve stayed. I should’ve phoned you. I should’ve done something, it’s my fault.”
She shook her head.
“I know you are mad. And I know things don’t always work out the way you plan them, but I need to ask you something…”
“Fuck no. You are not saying your goodbyes. I won’t listen to it.”
“Bern.”
“No, Holly. I said goodbye once. I’m not going to do it again. You cannot force me to do this again. They will find organs.” Bern’s tears ran over her face. She ran over to Holly and just hugged her. “I can’t. Please.”
“Okay,” Holly said. She would just put it in her letter.
Her mother walked into the room.
“Bernie, no crying in this room.” She hugged Bernie.
“Yeah,” she sniffed. “Don’t mind me. It just feels like déjà vu.”
“It’s not going to be déjà vu. I will resurrect her and kill her if it is.”
They all laughed.
Bernie eventually stopped her tears and they started talking about her mother’s day and her day, the kids. The boys were growing and she hated the fact that she wasn’t with them.
“Amelia promised that she would bring all three of them tonight.”
“I don’t think—”
“Holly, Jamie needs you still.”
“I know but it upsets her so much.”
“She knows more about death that you can possible understand, sweetheart.”
“I don’t want her to know about it, Mom. I wanted to protect her from all of this. Why am I getting punished for all of this? Is it because of what I did? I love him, Mom. And clearly he loves me, otherwise he wouldn’t have been here.” She started to cry. She was so fucking angry.
“All of them see hope with me being this sick. Hope. It’s so fucking wrong.”
“I know.”
“So why the fuck are we getting punished?” She was out of breath and she started to cough.
“Calm down.” Her mother got up and put the oxygen mask on her face.
Her body ached. Everything was just getting way too much.
“You are not getting punished, Holly. I know it’s how it feels, but the world isn’t perfect and this is part of the shit thousands of people have to go through. You are not the only one asking that question and you know the Lord doesn’t work that way.”
“No, He works in mysterious ways, Mom. I just wish I could see the outcome of this one. I do not want to die, but I can’t…” she started to sob.
“You have no choice, Holly. Your children still need you. All of us still need you. Calm down.”
“I’m going to go. I’ll see you later.” Bernie walked out the room.
Silence filled the room. It felt as if everyone was leaving her.
“It’s not easy for her, sweetheart.”
“I know
. It’s not easy on anyone. If I could make it easier I would, but none of you are letting me.”
“Because you promised that you will beat this!”
“And I have. This is not cancer.”
“It’s part of it, Holly. Your organs gave up because of the cancer. You can’t give up. Ever. I need you. Please, do not put me through this again. I’ve lost way too much already, Holly. Please.” Tears filled her mother’s eyes.
She nodded her head.
Her mother kissed her softly on her head. “You need to rest. I’ll see you later tonight.”
“Okay,” she smiled and her mother left.
She pulled the drawer open and carried on writing. It was two hours and then it would be visiting hours. She would just have to put a smile on her face. That was still possible.
‘To Jamie.
You are today where I was before, twice. The second time not so memorable, but hopefully you will only remember the joy of having brothers in your life.
I remember when I held you in my arms the way you are watching that perfect little child of yours. He or she is going to bring you so much joy and happiness and no matter the circumstances that you are in, as mine wasn’t perfect back then, you will be happy being a mother. It’s so fulfilling, to feel that unconditional love, and I wish I was there to meet this special little person that is going to fill your heart. Maybe there will be two, maybe only one, let’s hope not three.
You made me feel so many beautiful things in the time that I was your mother, and know that I will always be.
I wish I was there to guide you, to give you advice on what to do when their stomach aches, and what not to do when a fever was going to rise. But I’m sure you already know it as I have a feeling you would be pulled into the family business and become one hell of a doctor.
If not, you will be the best at what you do, as you are my child and you are your father’s daughter too.
Determination is the one thing you will know, among other great qualities.
I do not doubt your father. He raised you to be the perfect young woman you are today.
I can see you reading this letter, and please don’t cry. It should only be happy tears, not sad ones, and know that I am there in spirit, every step of the way, holding your hand, brushing you cheek.
Take care of my grandbaby and know that I will always love you.
Mom.
She finally said all the things she wanted to for Jamie. This was it. She was a grown woman.
She took another clean sheet and started writing a letter to her mom, saying how sorry she was that she had to go through all this again, but that she gave it her all. She had to know that.
She asked her to keep an eye on Jake, he was going to need a mother as his failed him so badly, and that he would even dislike her more now that Holly wasn’t here anymore.
She wrote to always tell Jamie and the boys stories about her and Jamie, how twins should be with one another. To tell all her children how much she loved them. She begged her to never let her children forget her.
She finished as tears ran over her cheek.
Bernie’s letter came after that, thanking her for the rock she was after Jamie’s death, for the fact that she married Leo, otherwise she would’ve never met Jake.
She would always be grateful for her for trying so hard to take Jamie’s place. To fill that empty spot.
She begged her to tell Jamie stories about her, to help her become the woman she wanted her to be. To be kind and not a spoiled brat and to make sure that Jake would find someone again, someone worthy to take her place. To make it her life’s mission to find that married bitch and just let him be happy again. She trusted her with that.
Rodney’s letter was also hard.
He took Bernie’s place when she wasn’t there. She spoke about the day they met, how he called her mother hen. She asked him to be part of Jamie and the twins’ life to guide them and love them as much as he loved Jamie. To always make sure that they know their mother’s goofiness and that it’s okay to be silly. It’s okay to break girls hearts, it’s okay to be angry and sad, men needed to cry too.
She wrote one to Frank, Gus, Robin, thanking them all that they tried so hard, and sorry that things didn’t work out according to plan.
Amelia became like her own sister. She was there for her children when she couldn’t be. She was a great mother and she wished with all her heart that just this once, the doctors were wrong. She wanted her to feel what it felt like to be pregnant, what it felt like to deliver a baby into this world and she knew even if she would never get that, she was a mom in so many ways to her children.
It wasn’t an easy letter to write.
She ended it with:
I would walk with you in high heels forever, sister.
But it was time for her children to come, so she put the letters away.
Jake stayed the night. She couldn’t finish the letters, and when she woke up, he was gone.
It wasn’t an easy night. She was cold and hot and cold again. He tried to keep her warm by climbing on her bed when she woke up shivering, and cooled her down when she was warm again.
He was everything she ever wanted.
She could feel it in her bones that soon she would leave this world but she wouldn’t, not until she finished her letters.
She began her next letter. It was addressed to Mara.
Forgiving someone was never easy. But she wanted to have no regrets, no bitterness in her heart and she forgave Mara.
Mara,
I forgive you for what you did. I lost a child because of your lies, but my heart has forgiven you. I don’t want to die with this blackness marring my soul.
I hope that someday, you and Jake will be able to make amends, that he will forgive you and allow you to be part of your grandchildren’s lives. They already have a grandmother who loves them, but one more wouldn’t hurt.
As a mother, I forgive you. I wouldn’t go to the lengths you did, but I know now that you were just being the kind of mother you thought you had to be. You raised great children.
Be easy on Jake. It will be even harder for him to forgive you now, but I hope, that with time, he will realize that he has to. He’s going to need you now.
* * *
Holly.
The last was to him.
My homewrecker and Hooligan,
I’m so sorry that I never got to tell you everything you meant to me. Words were always just that, words. I always tried to show you and I know my mistake made you think otherwise. I just couldn’t imagine a world where I would hate you.
I know that you must hate me for leaving you, and this time there isn’t a coming back.
Just know that I will never stop loving you, not even in death. I will remember your smile that always weakened my knees, made my heart beat faster and made me want to do things to you that I couldn’t possibly put into words.
Even if they try to wipe the slate clean, I will find a way to remember you.
Our love is like The Notebook shit, and I know you probably have no idea what The Notebook is, but it’s good, you need to watch it.
I didn’t want to leave. But my stupid body was too weak, probably your doing too, as that was all I felt when I was with you, weak in the ankles, weak in knees, weak in my anger when I wanted to rip your head off. And it’s a weakness that I will carry with me all the time as you are my weakness.
I can’t say no to you, even if I wanted to so many times. It wasn’t possible and leaving you that day when I asked you to choose, it was the second hardest thing in my life I ever had to do.
I wish so many beautiful things for you as you are too precious to live this life alone. I want you to move on, to teach our children how good life can be. That it doesn’t have to be spent in sadness or anger. That it’s amazing to love, to live, to laugh.
I want you to laugh out your belly at least once a day and I want you to love another. I will probably haunt her ass, but I need you to move o
n.
To open your heart to possibilities, to love our children unconditionally. It’s not the boys’ fault that I’m not here, and they are going to need you to get through this.
I know your hurt and I know you are angry, but please try to find it in your heart to forgive me.
The only mistake I ever made is loving you too much. Don’t punish me or my children for that.
I’ll see you in my dreams.
* * *
Always and forever.
Bee puke.
She pressed the red button after she put his letter in the envelope. Tears streamed down her face.
She didn’t want to die, but she had no idea how to fight. She didn’t have any fight let in her.
Aggie came rushing in and she gave her the letters.
“Baby, don’t do this.”
“It’s just a precaution, Aggie,” she reminded her, wiping at her tears. “I’m still fighting.”
“You better be.” Aggie fiddled with her IV and the tubes she was connected to.
She closed her eyes and smiled.
Please God. I don’t want to die. Just put Robin on the right path to find my kidney.
She wondered why she said Robin and not Devenn, but it was in His hands now. He knew she was sorry for what she did to Kate, but she would never be sorry for loving Jake. He made her life extra special.
Twenty
JAKE
“It’s going to be okay.” Amelia hugged him tight and started to shake softly.
He was in shock.
He’d left early this morning to take a quick shower, make sure that the kids were fine, make sure that there was enough food at home and realized that he didn’t have to make sure about anything as the support system he had was the best.
He went back to work, and went into the OR just to take his mind of it, and just as he got out of the OR, he got the call.
Endless Love: The 4Ever series #3 Page 19
