Tears rolled over her cheek.
“Not to even mention the lies after that, for years, even after I asked you, you still lied. You have no idea—”
“No, I do,” she sighed. “Because you made that perfectly clear. That’s why I didn’t want you to know about this.”
“Oh really? Because this is like a get-out-of-jail-free card. How am I supposed to be angry at you now? I’m fucking furious, but I can’t be that anymore.”
“It’s why I didn’t want you to know,” she said again. “Be angry, Jake, hate me for as long as you need to. I messed up. I didn’t do this for forgiveness. I gave her my kidney and a piece of my liver because of who she is to you.” She swallowed hard and closed her eyes.
Jake stared at his mother.
“I knew that I made a mistake when you disappeared in front of my eyes. I pretended not to see it, I tried to fix it and instead I created someone else that none of us knew. I pushed you to marry Kate, because I wanted to believe that she could bring you back to yourself. I should’ve left you to find Holly. But I was scared that when you found her, you’d discover she was dead. And that would’ve been on me,” she cried. “I will never, ever be able to say anything that would justify what I did. I was just being your mother. I just wanted what was best for you, and at the time, I didn’t know that it was Holly and a baby. All the lies, the pretending, it was my punishment for carrying it so long. Seeing you vanishing, turning into a stranger, that was my punishment. I did that to you. I’m sorry that I loved you too much. I didn’t know how much she meant to you. I’m sorry.” She sniffed, swallowed hard again and started to sob.
Jake stared at her. Those were the words he had been waiting for. She finally got it.
“Robin was so angry with me last night. She told me that I had finally gotten my wish. That’s when I realized you all thought I hated Holly. But, Jake, I never hated her. I thought she was trying to pin you down and I didn’t want that for you. I never thought you loved her as much as you do. I’m not God. I missed all the signs because I was blinded by my love for you, and only saw what I wanted to see. I made a huge mistake, and I had to live with that for years. I honestly thought she’d get an abortion when she realized you and your money wouldn’t be there. You can be mad at me for as long as you want. I am the reason Romalia is dead and I live with it every day, knowing that I am your monster when I should’ve been your mother.”
Jake closed his eyes and shook with tears.
But he couldn’t cry now. He opened his eyes and looked at his mother. “Why wasn’t I a match. You are O negative. Why aren’t the rest of us O negative?” He covered his face with both his hands.
“Sweetheart, please come closer.”
He walked to the chair his father sat in and plopped himself down on it.
He felt his mother’s hand on his arm. “Listen to me.”
He sniffed and wipe away his tears, then pinched his nose.
“When Robin told me Holly was O negative, when she said she wished someone was a match, I didn’t think twice. I told her that she would get her answer soon, as I knew I was O negative. I didn’t think twice, baby.” She touched his face. “I phoned Devenn and asked him to see me. We did the test and he was just as shocked as you were, asking the exact same question. They said He works in mysterious ways and I never understood that, but it finally made sense. Darling, you are not her match because your heart is already beating inside of her. And that is the other reason I did it without even thinking. If she dies, you would stop breathing and I refuse to see you like that again.”
Jake tried to push his tears away but he couldn’t anymore.
He got up and hugged his mother.
“Oh darling.” She wrapped her arms around him and then he cried. She kissed him on his cheek.
His mother was finally not just saying the words he wanted to hear all this time, but she was showing him that she’d meant it. She hadn’t done this just so he would forgive her, she’d done it because she’d wanted to.
He didn’t want to feel this way anymore.
And he finally understood what Holly meant. Forgiving someone was not just for the person you had to forgive, but it was for yourself as well.
The bitterness toward his mother washed away. He still felt anger at her actions, but it wasn’t as piercing as it had been.
He sobbed as his mother embraced him. This was his mother. Not the monster of the past five years. This was the woman he would do anything for, ask for advice and opinions. The weight he had carried on his shoulders from the moment he’d learned the truth melted into nothingness.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered in his ear.
“Me too.” He got up and sat on the chair again.
He felt so much lighter.
“How is she doing?”
He shrug. “I came to find the family of the donor, to tell give some clarity, peace.” He looked up at his mother. “I missed you.”
“Oh baby. I know I’ve been the worst mom to you lately. I am never going to make it up to you, but I want to try. Please.”
Jake nodded. He took his mother’s hand and kissed it gently. “Thank you, Mom.”
“She deserved it more than me. She is a great mother. Your father told me how stubborn she was when you all wanted her to terminate the pregnancy. And I’m glad she didn’t. From what I hear, you have two little studs now… And a gorgeous little girl. They all need her, sweetheart. I couldn’t watch her go away again and leave you, especially if there was no returning this time.”
“I can’t remember when last I prayed so much. It felt as if He was punishing me for what I did to Kate, for loving Holly.”
“It’s not how He works, sweetheart.”
“I know, it still felt that way Mom.”
“I know it does.”
He sniffed again. “How are you feeling?”
“I’ll be all right. I got back so much more and I didn’t even bargain on it.”
He chuckled. “Really, Mom? You really think that I wouldn’t have discovered it.”
She laughed too. “Yes. I figured you’d stay at Holly’s side.” She took his hand in hers. “I really thought Kate made you happy, Jake. That’s the only reason why I pushed you to marry her, and I apologize for that.”
“It’s okay.”
“It’s never going to be okay, Jake.”
“Mom, it’s okay. I didn’t marry her and I got pretty amazing boys out of that deal.”
“I’d like to meet all of them one day, if you’d let me.”
He pursed his lips but said nothing. He wasn’t sure if he was ready for that to happen.
“I know I’m pushing it.”
He still had his mother’s hand in his. He looked at her delicate features.
“When was the last time you slept. You look exhausted.”
“Is sleep something I can eat?”
“You need to sleep, sweetheart. You have three children relying on you.”
“Yeah I know.”
“Why don’t you close your eyes for a bit. I’ll wake you if there is news.”
Jake sighed.
The chair was so comfy. He rested his head against the chair and set his feet on the frame of the hospital bed. “Maybe just a couple of minutes.”
He closed his eyes and sleep quickly took him.
Twenty-Two
HOLLY
* * *
She walked out of the OR, threw her bandanna on the floor and screamed.
Everyone looked at her.
“You’re not going to win them all,” Missy said. She was one of the doctors, and was fantastic at her job.
“Something is wrong with this hospital,” Holly said, looking at Missy in exasperation. The woman was magnificently beautiful. Her eyes were different colors. One was green, and the other was brown with just hints of green, and she seemed to stare right into the depths of your soul with those eyes. Her hair was dark, tired up into a high ponytale, and her lips were full and plump
.
“No, there’s nothing wrong with this hospital. Some you lose and some you win.”
“No hospital loses this many lives.”
Missy sighed as tears of frustration leaked out of Holly’s eyes. She’d taken an oath to save lives, not take them away.
“Come sit.” Missy said and went to the beautiful white recliners that were stacked up against the walls for people to sit and wait.
Holly knew she’d have to go to another room, where the exact same couches were. But she wouldn’t sit on those couches. No, she’d have to look a family in the eye and tell them she couldn’t save their son.
She looked at the people on the chairs all around her, Some were consoling others, hugging them, talking to them in sad whispers.
It was like heaven’s hospital. Holly laughed at that thought.
“This hospital is special,” Missy said.
Holly chuckled. “It’s a killing machine, Missy.”
“No, it’s not.”
Holly frowned.
“Saving lives here, not saving them, it doesn’t matter.”
Holly looked at her in disbelief and shook her head. “You remind me so much of someone I used to know.”
“Who?” Missy asked. Her face was unreadable.
Holly wanted to answer but realized that she couldn’t. She had no idea who Missy reminded her of.
“Who, Holly? Who do I remind you off.”
She shook it away. It was something that was starting to happen regularly lately and it freaked her out. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Don’t say that. Who do I remind you of?”
“Just drop it,” Holly snapped. She got up and walked into the next room, to tell the family that she hadn’t been able to save their son.
Missy was right. This hospital was different. They were happy when lives were saved but even happier when the lives were lost. One of the other reason that she dubbed this hospital heaven’s hospital. Nobody was angry or sad.
“Is it Jake?” Missy called after her.
Holly turned around slowly. “Excuse me?”
“The person I remind you of. Is it Jake? Perhaps it’s Jamie Bernice, or maybe it’s Amelia.”
Holly knew those names, but she couldn’t place them. How did Missy know those names?
“Who are you?” Holly asked. “What is this place?” She was frantic now. Those names had triggered something inside Holly.
“Calm down,” Missy said.
She knew something was wrong with this hospital. It was just too good to be true. Who were those people? Why did she know their names?
She paced up and down.
“Calm down.”
“Don’t tell me to calm down. Where the hell am I?” She couldn’t even remember when she started here. She was just always here. What was this? “What is this?”
She ran to the reception. The forms were not filled in.
The doctors wrote with pens that didn’t work.
They chatted to each other as if her tantrum wasn’t affecting them at all.
“Where am I?” she yelled at the one doctor. But the doctor simply looked at her before she continued filling in her paperwork with her pen that didn’t work.
“Calm down,” Missy kept saying over and over as Holly ran around the desk and typed on a computer. The keys she pressed didn’t form letters on the screen.
She kept typing, but nothing happened.
She’d never worked on a computer here before.
“Calm down, Mom!” Missy shouted and Holly whipped her head around to look at her.
Missy stood there, motionless, her face expressionless.
“What did you call me?” Holly asked.
“You’ve been here too long. You have to go back.”
“Go back where? And why did you just call me mom?” She stalked over to Missy. Who was this woman?
“You are forgetting. It’s never a good sign when they forget. You need to remember them.”
“Remember who?”
Missy reached out for her, but Holly backed away. She still reached out and touched Holly’s face softly. Jake’s face, smiling at her with so much love flashed through her mind. Jamie’s laughter when she tickled her.
Tears welled up in her eyes.
Bradley and Cooper, lying on the bed with her. They were growing up so fast.
Her family. She looked up at Missy and saw the name tag on her coat. Romalia.
“Romy,” she cried and hugged her daughter. The daughter she had lost so long ago.
“You have to go back.”
“Look at you, you are so beautiful.”
She smiled. “Mom, listen to me. You need to go back.”
“Go back?” she smiled but Romy didn’t return the smile. Instead, tears filled her eyes.
“I’m sorry I lied about my name. You got a kidney and a liver now, Mom, and you are starting to freak them out because you aren’t waking up. You have to go back.”
“How? I just got here.”
“No, you’ve been here too long. Time works different here.”
“Where is here?”
“It’s the place where some people go when they fall into a coma like you did. It’s the place where people wait to die when they are under the knife. They just don’t always remember when they wake up. Losing life here, is not what you think. It’s the opposite. You give them back, and it’s time that I gave you back, Mom. I can’t keep you here. I’ve taken too much of your time.” A tear ran down her cheek.
“No, Romy, if you know how much I love you, you would never ask me that.”
“I know how much you love me. You almost died bringing me and Jamie into the world. I just wasn’t as strong as her. But I am now. My sister isn’t, though. She needs you, Mom. My brothers need you. And Dad needs you. He wouldn’t understand Jamie. She is not the twin that is like him. She’s like you, she just looks like him. So please, go back. For me. Be with them, you have so much more to live for.”
She hugged her again. “I don’t know how.”
“Fight, Mom. Fight like you’ve never fought before.”
She inhaled in Romy’s scent. It was flowery, but so delicious.
She sniffed and pulled away. “If you’re here, then where is your aunt?”
“She couldn’t be here this time. She already had her chance when you brought me and Jamie into this world. We only get one chance per family member. Please don’t let me fail.”
“Baby, you are not failing. Oh, you remind me so much of your father.”
“I know, I’m just like him. That is why you have to go back, my sister needs you more than I do. I have Aunt Jamie to take care of me.”
Holly brushed a piece of hair away from Romy’s face, and placed it behind her ear.
“I’m asking you please, go back. It’s not you time, Mom.”
“How do I do this? How do I leave when I know I can stay with you?” she asked and Romy released a huge breath.
“You can’t stay with me. I was never meant to stay with. I was always meant to be your and Jamie’s guiding light. Just think of them, Mom. Think how happy they make you, how much they fulfill your life. They are the key. And then go back to them. It’s what I want, Mom.”
Holly nodded. She hugged her lost daughter again. “I love you, baby girl, so much.”
“I know. Thank you for being my mother. Go be hers now. And give her this.” She gave Holly a big kiss on her cheek. It was heavenly and soft and filled with so much love. “Tell her I’m always watching out for her.”
They broke apart.
“I’ll see you again, one day. All of you.” She started walking backward, and Holly started moving backward, too. It wasn’t a voluntary movement. It felt like she was being sucked back and she couldn’t control it.
“Romy!” She reached out for Romy, but the hospital was starting to move away from her.
It faded away.
Children ran around Romy.
“You guys ready for a game?
” she sang.
“Yes!”
“Let’s go.” She ran away and the picture faded.
* * *
JAKE.
Within the next couple of days, everyone found out Mara was Holly’s donor.
Robin cried, which Jake found surprising.
Jake felt sorry for Amelia. She knew what Mara had done practically saved Holly’s life, but she still struggled with the fact that Mara had been the one behind the lies that had led to a baby dying.
“You don’t have to make peace with her, Amelia. She doesn’t expect that.”
“Romy is dead, Jake. How can you forgive her?”
“I know my daughter is dead. And you know what? Mom told me that it was her fault. It pains her more than you think it does. But if Holly taught me one thing, it’s that forgiveness is for yourself, not for the other person. And I realized that.”
“I can’t.”
Jake hugged his sister and held her tight. “You don’t need to make peace. Why don’t you take the kids and go to the park? I’m sure Jamie could use some fresh air.”
She nodded and Bernie got up, intent on joining her.
“I’ll forever be grateful for what she did for my friend, Jake, but I just can’t forgive your mother yet,” Bernie said.
“It’s okay.” He smiled and the two woman left with his children.
Holly was hooked on a breathing machine. Her heart had stopped beating in the OR, but Robin got it back. She’d assisted Devenn with the transplant.
He was glad that he hadn’t been there to see it. It would’ve broken him beyond repair.
But seeing her laying so still, her heartbeat beating strong, not breathing for herself, was just another major concern.
He didn’t really want Jamie around that, but what else could he do? Holly was her mother and Jamie both wanted and needed to see her.
He and Amelia had both tried to prepare her for the fact that Holly might not be able to wake up, but Jamie simply told her that Holly was visiting Romy, and that she’d be back, because Romy would make her come back.
She wanted to buy her sister a teddy bear, and it broke his heart, but he bought the damn thing and gave it away to one of the children up in pediatrics.
Endless Love: The 4Ever series #3 Page 21
