by Vera Quinn
“Hello, Emily, this is Marge from Dr. Boats’ office. I’m calling because he has referred you to a pulmonary specialist here in town. They have an opening today at two o’clock. Can you make that work?”
“Is everything okay? I mean, is there anything seriously wrong?”
“I’m sorry, Emily, I can’t tell you anything even if I knew something. Can you make that appointment?”
“Yes, I’ll be there. Do I need to bring any paperwork, photos, or records?”
“No. I’ll send their office everything. Thanks, and I’ll let them know you will be there. Make sure you arrive about fifteen minutes early so you can fill out the new patient paperwork. Good luck.”
What the hell is going on? If I thought my anxiety was high before, that is nothing compared to now. Walking to my boss, Amanda’s office, I knock and wait for her to answer, “Come on in.”
“Hey, Amanda. I’m sorry to do this, but the doctor called, and I have to go to the pulmonary specialist at two o’clock today. Can I make up my hours on Saturday?”
“Emily, you know you can. Hell, take the day off paid. You have both vacation and personal days.”
“I know, I just don’t want to leave you guys shorthanded.”
“Emily, I promise we will still be here tomorrow or even Monday. Take the time. I don’t want to see you here before Monday.”
“Okay. Thanks so much, Amanda. You’re the best.”
“Have a good weekend and good luck at the doctor’s office.” With a nod, I walk out and get my stuff gathered and head home.
Walking into my house, I look at pictures of my son and grandkids. Oh, how I miss them since they moved to Colorado. I don’t blame Claire for what she did; I wasn’t always kind to her, and I’m thankful she has forgiven me. Colton, my son, I don’t know where I went wrong with him. I mean, his dad and I divorced when he was around ten. We didn’t fight or cheat; we just fell out of love. Colton had seen both of us equally until his dad died unexpectedly. I never brought men around. I didn’t want to bring them in and out of his life if they weren’t permanent, and so far, I haven’t found anyone worth a meet-the-son date. Going into my room, I change into jeans and a T-shirt. I need to be as comfortable as possible for this. I hear the neighbor’ little girl running around and smile. I miss that—the sounds of laughing kids and happiness.
On the weekends, Olivia, my neighbor, has me watch Allie while she works her second job. I remember the first time she came over. She was in the front room while I was sweeping the kitchen. I always have either the radio on or music playing from my phone. While cleaning, I dance with the broom. I heard her coming but didn’t want to spook her, so I stayed quiet and let the music take me away while I swayed with the broom, holding it as if it were my lover. Opening my eyes, I see she has the kids broom set, and she is also dancing with her broom. Smiling at the memory, I turn my music on and grab my broom.
Getting to the office, I get the new patient paperwork to fill out. Once that is done, they take me down for a CT scan. Finally, I’m waiting for the doctor to come in. I open my kindle app on my phone and start reading the newest book from Darlene Tallman The Black Tuxedos and read while I wait.
I’ve read about three pages, but I haven’t absorbed any of it. When I finally hear the knock, I mumble a quiet but quick, “Come in.” The man that walks in, oh my Lanta, I’ve never believed the stories where they see someone, and they just know they will spend the rest of their lives with that person, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will love this man forever. While I’m staring at him, he’s looking at my chart. The second his eyes lift to meet mine, we both suck in a breath. I feel like I’ve been kicked in the stomach, and the wind has been knocked out of me. Reaching his hand to mine, he says, “Hello, my name is Dr. Osburn, thanks for coming in on such short notice.”
“Nice to meet you. I’m Emily and no problem. Is there something seriously wrong with me?”
“Well, during your physical, when they did the chest X-ray, they found nodules on your left lung. We just did the CT scan to see if we could see them better. It appears you have several, so I’m going to recommend we do a biopsy to see if they are cancerous or not.” Looking at the computer, he says, “They have an opening tomorrow at one forty-five, is that okay?”
I’m just sitting there staring at the floor and feeling numb.
“Hey, Emily, I’m going to be here with you the whole time. We will get this taken care of, okay?”
“Yeah. Yes, I can be there tomorrow afternoon.”
“Great. Can you come back in here Monday at ten am?”
“Yes, I’ll call my boss and let her know I’ll be in late.”
“Okay, do you have any questions?”
“Yes… no… I don’t know.”
“That’s completely understandable. Take this weekend and write down any and all questions you have and bring it in with you Monday, okay?”
“Yeah, thanks, doctor.”
Getting home, I have no idea how I made it here.
There on the steps, I see Allie, the neighbor girl who I watch once in a while sitting there crying.
“Hey, pretty girl, what’s the matter?”
“Oh, Emily, I was so scared. I thought you forgot our date today. Momma had to go into work, and I didn’t know what to do.”
Looking next door as we hear the door shut, I hear, “I’m still here, Allie. I took a three-minute shower. Calm down, silly girl. I won’t leave unless I know you’ve got someone to hang out with.”
Holding my hand out, I say, “Come on, sweet girl, I’ve had a bad day too.”
“Can we dance in the kitchen? It makes me feel better.”
“We absolutely can.”
Going into the kitchen, I turn my music on and pick her up. She lays her head on my shoulder as we sway. I feel her tears wetting my shirt, but mine are doing the same to hers.
Chapter Three
Colton
Getting to Mom’s, I walk in and see she is dancing with her broom; I walk over and ask if I can cut in. She gives me a watery smile and nods her head. Wrapping her up in my arms, I hold her tightly as I feel her tears soak my shirt. After we dance together for three songs, she leans back and says, “Come on, baby, I have some news.” Sitting down next to each other, still holding hands, I wait. She looks at our hands. “I have cancer. It’s stage two lung cancer. I have my will, and everything is taken care of. Carson is the executive for everything.”
I know she is waiting for a response from me, but really, I’m not in a position to make those decisions. Does it sting that my son is responsible for my mom instead of me? Hell yeah, it does, but at the end of the day, she has to do what she feels is right. “Okay, what can I do to help you?”
“You’re not pissed?”
“Pissed... no. Hurt… yeah, but I understand why it needs to be this way. I’m sorry, Mom.”
“Why are you, sorry? You didn’t cause me to get cancer.”
“No, I didn’t, but I haven’t made life easy for you either. I fucked up my marriage, my kids want nothing to do with me, Clarissa is dead, and I can’t leave the drugs alone. I’m a failure.”
“Colton, you know I’m gonna give it to you straight. You’re not a failure, but you are failing yourself right now. You did fuck up your marriage, and now she is happy with someone else, so you have to live with that. Your kids will forgive you if you stop asking them for money for drugs. Clarissa should be a lesson to you; it’s a chance you take when you do drugs. You chose to try them, so you and only you can choose to stop doing them. I love you, but now I need you to man up and help me. If you can’t or won’t leave the drugs alone, I’ll call Carson or Carly and see if they can come stay with me and take me to my appointments.”
“I’m done. I will be honest with you. I had a line ready to go when you called, and it’s still sitting on the table where I left it. I will go over right now and pack my stuff and stay with you. Just give me a chance, please.”
&
nbsp; “I’ll give you this chance, but I’m telling you right now, one time you use or get so drunk you don’t know where you’re at, I’m throwing your ass in a rehab center, and I’ll be done with you. I can’t deal with cancer, and you doing drugs.”
Wrapping my arms around Mom, I promise her again that I’m done for good. Leaning back with tears in her eyes, she nods her head, and we get up. She heads to the kitchen for her purse and keys, and we walk out the door. Getting in the car, Mom turns it over, and I place my hand on hers. “Thank you for believing in me and my next chapter. I love you, Momma.”
Getting to my apartment, I go straight to my room and start throwing everything in bags and boxes. I just need to get out of here. This place makes me feel dirty. Taking the two garbage bags out, I see Mom on the couch looking at the line. “I guess you really did just leave it. What are you going to do with it?” I stand there looking at it and briefly wonder about asking for one more high, then I feel disgusted with myself. Instead, I take an ashtray and brush it into the ashtray, then turning around, I walk to the bathroom and dump it in the toilet and flush it down. Turning, I look at Mom. “I need your grace to remind me to find my grace and be my own person without the drugs. I need your love.”
Walking to me, Mom wraps her arms around my waist. “Baby, I’ve always loved you. I may not have supported you and your decisions, but I’ve always loved you. You should know a parent’s love is unconditional.” Nodding my head, we head back out to the living room. Mom packs up the kitchen and some of the living room while I do the bedroom and bathroom. Within about three hours, we have it all packed up, and I’ve returned the keys to the landlord. We packed everything in Mom’s Ford Explorer, and I notice there is still room. It’s really sad to see how much drugs have entirely taken over my life. Shaking it off that’s over. I’m starting a new chapter with a blank page. Getting back to Mom’s, I unpack what I’ll need for now—clothing and toiletries. I’ll donate everything else to the local thrift store.
Hearing voices, I walk out to the kitchen and stop dead in my tracks. The most beautiful woman in the world is standing in the kitchen talking to Mom while Mom holds a little girl, and they sway back and forth like she and I have always done. She did that with my kids, too. “Hey, what’s going on out here?”
Chapter Four
Emily
The woman turns her head and sucks in a breath, the same as I do. Holy wow! It’s like getting kicked in the chest by a bull. “Colton, this is my neighbor Olivia and her little angel Allie. Ladies, this is my son, Colton. He’s going to be staying with me to help me get to my appointments and whatnot.” Olivia starts to open her mouth. “No, ma’am, I expect to get this little angel every weekend, or through the week if we are having a bad day. She and I found the cure. I promise if I’m not up to it, I will tell you.”
With a nod, Olivia holds her hands out. “Come on, angel girl, we need to go home and make dinner so Emily and Colton can do the same.”
“I no wanna go, Momma.”
“Hey now, sweet girl, what’s wrong? How about if you gals stay and have dinner with us tonight?”
“Livvie, I promise it’s okay if you stay for dinner. I kinda need to talk to you, anyway.”
“If you’re sure, then okay.”
“Okay, sweet girl, can you sweep my bathroom for me?” Nodding her head, I set her down, and she gets her broom and dustpan. “So, what’s up?” Olivia asks.
“Nothing, doll. I just wanted company tonight and for you and Colton to get to know each other. Hope you all like homemade pizza.”
Getting up the next morning, I’m not sure if Colton will be here or not because well, he’s Colton and has always chosen drugs over everyone else. I get ready for the biopsy, and I’m prepared to walk over and see if Olivia can ride with me when Colton comes out of his room and asks, “Are you ready?” as he’s looking at a new phone.
“I will be in about five seconds when you answer me two questions. First, where did you get that phone, and second, where did you get the money for it?”
Chuckling, he walks over and wraps his arms around me. “Calm down, Mom, it’s not what you think. I’ve had money in my savings account, and I started a new plan at Walmart last night, so I got a phone. It’s all legit and legal.” He pulls out a Walmart receipt. “Also, while we are being open and honest this morning, I sold all the drugs I had left at the apartment back to the dealer. I have none left, so no chance of me using.”
With a nod, I turn and open the door, and we walk out to my car. I get in the driver’s side and start the vehicle. “Mom, do you think you should be driving?”
“Colton, right now, I have no control in my life. I need to control something, so driving is what I have right now.”
With a nod from him, he goes back to his phone. Heading to the surgical group’s office, Colton looks at me. “Have you seen Carly’s babies? Holy shit, Mom. I’m a grandpa!”
Smiling, I say, “Yes, I went down and stayed a week with them. The kids are incredible. Xavier treats Carly like a queen. Maddox treats Claire the same way, and little Caitlynn is such an incredible princess. Maddox let me stay with them and introduced me to Caitlynn as her grandma. She was confused for a minute because I’m not his mom or Claire’s, but Carson told her that I was his grandma too, and that was all she needed to know. I hate to say this because you’re my son, and I want what is best for you always but, your cheating and Claire divorcing you was the best thing for everyone.” Colton opens his mouth, and I put my hand up. “You have had to fall on your face to get back up and dust yourself off. You will get there. I have faith in you.”
“Mom, I don’t know why or how you have such faith when I don’t have it in myself. I did go to an NA meeting last night, and there is another tonight if I need it. There was an older guy there who gave me his number. He volunteered to be my sponsor.”
Parking the car, I turn to ask him. “How do you feel about it? The meeting and the sponsor?”
“Honestly, I thought I’d feel awkward and out of place, but I felt positive and ready to let the drugs go. It’s time for my new chapter.” Getting out of the car, we meet in the back, and I wrap my arms around him. “I’m so proud of you.”
Walking into the office, I’m surprised to see Dr. Osburn sitting there. He must sense me because his eyes meet mine, and he gives me a smile that sets my heart and pulse racing. It faded a bit when Colton came around the corner and placed his hand on my shoulder. “Dr. Osburn, what a surprise. I would like you to meet my son Colton. Colton, this is Dr. Osburn, my pulmonary doctor.” As they shake hands, I walk up and check in, feeling my nerves come back. After checking in, I make my way over to where the guys are sitting. They are talking amongst themselves, which is good because I couldn’t keep up with a conversation if I tried, so I just sit there and look at the floor. Jumping when I feel a hand on my shoulder, I look over, and Dr. Osburn is staring at me. “I didn’t mean to startle you, but they are ready. Do you want me to go back with you? Or Colton?”
“No, I’ll be okay. Thank you anyway.” Getting up, I make my way toward the back. Walking inside the room, the nurse gives me a gown and tells me she will be right back. Once I’m in the paper gown, she comes back and takes my blood pressure and starts the IV. A doctor comes in and tells me he is going to give me some medicine to knock me out.
Waking up, I’m in my bedroom and briefly wonder what woke me, then I hear it again. “Mom, can you show me your pretty eyes?”
Turning my head, I see Colton standing there. He asks, “Hey, how are you feeling?”
“Okay, I guess. My throat hurts, but I’m okay.”
“Okay, well, Carson is here to sit with you. I need to go to the meeting tonight. He will be here in about five minutes. I didn’t want you to wake up and freak because he’s here, and I’m not.”
Chapter Five
Colton
Sitting in the waiting room with a doctor who is interested in my mom is the definition of awkward. It would
have been funny, especially when he asked where my dad was… if it wasn’t me, I would have thought it was funny. I was honest with him, and he was honest back when he told me he was attracted to her—and not only because she is beautiful. I had to swallow my words and think before I spoke. My mom is gorgeous, and she hasn’t had anyone since she and my dad divorced. Sometimes, I used to wonder if they hooked up on the side, but it’s doubtful. She hasn’t had anyone in a long time. She deserves someone who will love her. So, I tell him my parents divorced. Then my dad died of a heart attack. “She loves wind chimes and angels. My grandma died of breast cancer. That is why she is so adamant on yearly physicals. She dances in the kitchen with her broom. She has this witty, sarcastic sense of humor, and she loves even when it’s thrown back in her face.”
When I tell him that I feel her love deep in my heart, I feel the hurt and anger at myself. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, my mom could never walk out of the operating room. You never know how much time you have left and I… I wasted so much time wanting to be dead, and I have so many people here on earth that I love, and they love me. I excuse myself and call my sponsor and ask him to meet me at the hospital cafeteria.
