“No need. I own the place, and I just told you how this is going down. You don’t walk into a shop and disrespect any of the employees there and expect that we will serve you in any way. Door’s behind ya!”
The two left in a huff. I turned to Zeke and couldn’t hold it in any longer. I started laughing as I mocked them. “We’re getting free tattoos on you!”
Zeke just shook his head. “Don’t envy you working the front, darlin’. You have any more trouble like that, just holler.”
“Hopefully, that’s not a sign of how the day is going to go.”
“Fuck!” Zeke hissed out. “I hope not!”
I managed to schedule three appointments and check out a few walk-ins before my cell rang. “Gretchen here,” I answered.
“Hey Gretchen, I have a huge favor to ask of you.”
“Anna?” I glanced down to see that it was indeed Anna on the other end of the call. “What’s going on?”
“I have my appointment today for the ultrasound, and I need someone to hold my hand. Do you think you could do it?”
“What about Joker?”
“Um, no. I don’t want him to do it.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m positive. We’re barely talking and I’m nervous enough. I don’t think I could get through the whole thing with him there.”
“Okay, when do you need me?”
“How does, as soon as you can get to the office sound?”
“Shit, okay, I’ll let the guys know I’m taking lunch early. Just text me the address for the office.”
“Thanks, Gretch.”
“Anytime Anna.” Of course, it never occurred to me just how hard it would be to go sit through an ultrasound with Toby’s little sister.
“Even though I didn’t get to do the ultrasound today, thank you for going with me. I was so nervous.” Anna’s sweet voice pulled me out of my evil musings. I was happy that she wasn’t able to get it done and that made me feel like a giant bitch. Maybe I was a bitch.
“You still got to hear the heartbeat,” I mentioned while choking on the emotion that was a giant ball of thick discomfort in my throat.
“I did,” Anna told me as she turned my way and watched me fight back the tears that threatened to spill over. “I’m sorry, Gretchen,” she offered up in a whisper.
“What do you have to be sorry for, honey?”
“For asking you to go to this. I didn’t even think how hard it would be on you.”
I waved her thoughts away. “Don’t worry about me. There are going to be things that make my heart hurt in life. That doesn’t mean I can run scared every time I encounter them.”
“Still, I didn’t think this through when I asked.”
“Anna, I want to be there for you. Knowing Toby would be here if he could, and that we were supposed to be sisters,” I started to tell her before I had to swipe the moisture out of my eyes. “I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else,” I was finally able to finish.
“I love you, Gretchen!”
“I love you too, little sister.”
My heart ached as we exited the doctor’s office. Hearing the thundering sound of the baby’s heartbeat took me back in time to the first doctor visit I had with Toby. The pure joy on his face when he heard that same noise, only it was our baby we had been listening to. I allowed myself the tears that came in the office while Anna held onto my hand. As we were leaving, she pulled me into her arms and held on tightly.
“I’m so glad you were with me. I know that was hard on you, but having you there was kind of like having my big brother with me too because wherever you go, I know he’s there looking out for you.”
“Anna,” I whispered as my heart swelled too big for the space it occupied within me. “That is the sweetest thing anyone has said to me since…”
“Since probably ever, because if I know my brother, he followed up every sincere thing he ever said with a fart joke.”
That had me laughing because she wasn’t wrong. Toby had a wicked sense of humor, but also one that a 12-year-old boy could appreciate. We were laughing about it still, trying to come up with jokes Toby might have made today as we walked through the doors of the house she now shared with her husband, Evan, or Joker, as he was known to the club.
As soon as we walked through the door, the shift in mood was apparent. It felt as though I was swimming in tension as someone called out my name. “Gretchen!”
I turned to see Ever standing there looking shocked to see me with her sister. “Hey Ever.” And that was just about when the drama started. I accidentally let the cat out of the bag about Anna working for my sister being the reason we were hanging out together, and apparently Anna’s husband hadn’t known that she had gotten a job, was working, or that she had a baby doctor appointment today. I felt about two feet tall as I stood there bad-mouthing Joker, only to have him fill me and Ever in on the fact that Anna hadn’t been speaking to him at all. For weeks. There was just nothing but awkward silence between them. Toby would have known what to do for his little sister, but I was at a loss.
After going at it with Joker and realizing that Anna had been part of their communication problem, Ever and I left the two of them to sort their own mess out.
“So, you went with Anna today, huh?”
“Yes, she called to ask me as a favor because you were busy.”
Ever sighed. “I didn’t mean to let her down like that. Honestly, I thought Evan was going to be there too, which is why I didn’t feel as bad about not showing up.”
“I can’t believe she didn’t tell him about it.”
“I can’t believe they haven’t actually talked in all this time. I’d like to just go in there and knock some sense into the both of them.”
I laughed at that. “They’ll figure things out in their own time. I keep asking myself what Toby would have done if he were here, but he told her not to mess around with the man until after she was 18 and she didn’t listen to him, so I can’t get past the fact that he would be upset with her.”
“Wait, Toby knew about them?”
“No,” I told her. “Toby knew that she had a crush on him. He asked her to wait, and as far as I know she did. At least, she did right up until Toby died and decided that life was short and never promised to us.”
“I feel like the worst sister in the world some days. I never knew she had a crush on him until after they got caught together. I never knew about you and Toby either. Well, I had an idea that something was going on, but I never pushed for the truth from either of you. Maybe if I had…”
I cut her off right there. “One thing I’ve learned is that living in the past, and wishing you made different choices along the way, only worked to hold you prisoner to that past. You can’t think like that. None of it was your fault either. People do what they do and hide what they hide. You weren’t meant to know those things until you did.” We stood there in silence for a few moments out by Ever’s car.
“Are you okay now?”
“I have good days and bad ones. Hearing Anna’s baby today, the heartbeat, it took me back in time to when I watched Toby’s face as he heard our baby. If I’m being honest, there was a moment where my heart ached so bad, I wished to join them all over again.”
“Just a moment?” Her question hung in the air for a moment before I answered.
“Yeah, just a moment, because then this peacefulness just washed through me and I swear, it felt like he was there with us, and I just basked in that feeling for a minute. Once it went away, Anna and her baby were all I saw. No more of my past screaming at me, only the future where Toby couldn’t be here to help his little sister, but I was.”
“That’s a nice way of looking at things.” We were both quiet again for a moment. “Gretchen, I’m really sorry about how everything happened when Toby…” she took a moment to collect herself before continuing. “After everything, in the hospital, you were right. We shouldn’t have just left you there. My parents, it’s taken them some time
to get back together. They split up for a while afterward. It felt like my family was falling apart. Not that it’s an excuse, just that I didn’t mean to forget about you in all of that.”
“Ever,” I sighed out. “I’m not going to lie to you and say I didn’t blame all of you. I did. I blamed everyone but Anna. I figured she didn’t really have a choice in things. My grief didn’t allow for your feelings, your grief, or what your parents were going through though. We all had our own stuff to deal with, and that’s something I’ve taken a lot of time to think about recently. I don’t blame you anymore. I’m just sorry we lost all this time while I was stubborn and trying to heal all by myself. I could have just as easily went to you as the other way around. Thank God Anna landed right in my lap one day when she was looking for a job, otherwise I might still be hiding away from everyone.”
“I need to get going. I promised Momma Luce an Anna update.”
“Why doesn’t she come check on her?”
“They’re trying to give the two of them time to sort things out. Momma thinks if she comes over, that Anna will just revert back to being the child instead of the adult.”
I laughed. “I don’t think she has to worry about that. Anna isn’t ready to let anyone take responsibility for her or that baby.”
“Yeah, she’s stubborn to a fault about that.”
“Well, I think it probably runs in the family and the friend circle. We could all use a dose of stubborn-ease.” We both laughed at that idea, because it was true. “I’m going to head back to my apartment. Are you going to be okay?”
“Yeah, and thanks for going with her today, Gretchen. I know it meant a lot to her. I didn’t realize she would be by herself if I didn’t go.”
“It’s okay. I’m glad I got to go. Tell your mom hello for me.”
“I will, but maybe one day you can tell her yourself?” It was definitely a question, and one I could only nod my head to. I’d faced Toby’s sisters now, surely it wouldn’t hurt any more to speak to his mom, right?
Before I could overthink it, I jumped in my car and took off for my apartment across town. Baby steps. That was what I was capable of, and yet today I seemed to have shot off at a run, and the difference left me mentally exhausted.
When I arrived back to the studio and my apartment above it, Kane was there waiting for me. “What’s going on?” I asked him only to have him shrug his shoulders before he stood and appeared to work some kinks out of his back. “How long have you been sitting there?”
He smiled down at me then. “Not all that long. I was bent over a tattoo for three hours prior to coming up to wait on you. Didn’t realize you’d be gone so long or I would have just headed on out.”
“Sorry,” I mumbled as I pushed past him, inhaling that warm salty sea air scent that mixed with leather and clung to him like nature made the combination just for him. Once I was able to move past, I unlocked the door and held it open for him to join me inside.
“You went to the doctor with Anna today,” he stated as I shut the door.
“I did. How did you know?”
A bit of a blush bloomed across his cheeks then. “Your sister called down here. Thought you might need someone to be here for you when you got back. She wanted to do it, but had a rush order come through for a client.”
“Oh, that was sweet of her, I guess.” I smiled at him reassuringly. “You don’t have to stay because my sister thought I might need a babysitter,” I told him, trying to let Kane off the hook.
“Come on,” he told me as he grabbed hold of my hand and moved us to the couch. “Tell me about it,” Kane insisted.
I took a deep breath as we sat there, hip to hip, knees touching, and his warmth seeping into my body from all those places. “It was beautiful and heartbreaking all at once.”
“Did she find out what she’s having?”
“They couldn’t do the ultrasound today. The machine was broken or something. But they put the doppler on her and she got to hear the heartbeat out loud. We got to hear it.”
“How did you feel about that?” Kane’s voice was gentle as he asked the question. His left arm, that had been slung behind me on the couch, moved forward so he could play with my hair, pulling the silky strands through his fingers and letting them slip free over and over again.
“At first, it hurt.” I rubbed the spot on my chest just over my heart without thinking about it. Then I glanced up into his beautiful, ocean blue eyes. “It hurt so much because I remembered when Toby and I heard that sound together. It was one of the happiest days of my life.” I described the feeling I’d told Ever about earlier. How this immense peace just flowed through me. “It felt like he was there with me for a minute, telling me it was going to be all right. Is that crazy? Am I crazy?”
“I don’t think you’re crazy, sweetheart. My gran and my mom would both say that the spirits of those who have passed before us are still around, guiding us and making our lives a little easier. Maybe that’s exactly what happened today.”
“I knew he would be happy for his sister, and so I was too. Just that one little rush of feeling made it all better. It was the strangest thing.”
“Why do you look so sad then?”
A tear dropped before I could make it stop. “It’s hard not to be. No matter how I felt in that moment, the memories still leave me feeling empty inside.”
“It won’t be like that forever, G. I know it feels like it now, but look how far you’ve already come.”
“Thank you,” I whispered as I leaned in and laid my head down on Kane’s chest. “Thanks for being here, and for knowing that I would need to talk about it.”
“Told you, your sister called.”
“Yeah, but it didn’t have to be you.”
“Yes it did,” he insisted without any further explanation. We sat like that with my head on his chest as he played with my hair for what seemed like hours. Maybe it was hours, because I had apparently fallen asleep at some point. I woke to the feeling of floating in someone’s arms.
“What’s going on?”
“Just taking you to your bed, sweetheart. You fell asleep on me out there. Thought you’d be more comfortable in here.”
“Will you stay with me?” I don’t know why on earth I asked that question. I hadn’t spent the night with a man since Toby died. Part of me felt nervous about it, and slightly guilty. The other side of it was that I was lonely and needed the comfort of another human being with me that night.
“If that’s what you want, then I’ll stay.”
“I do.”
That’s how I ended up falling asleep, fully dressed, with Kane’s arms wrapped around me, offering a comfort I hadn’t even realized I’d been missing.
Chapter 15
Just the Night
Kane
Gretchen had been a bit standoffish since the morning I woke up with her draped all over my body. We were both still fully clothed, and yet it was probably the most intimate experience of my life. As often as I’d fantasized about sex with her and what that would be like, I’d never thought of how it would feel just to hold her close all night. It was different, exhilarating, and filled something inside of me that I didn’t realize had been empty. How the fuck was that? I woke up feeling like the king of the world. Gretchen, on the other hand, woke up looking as though she was about to be sick.
I knew it was guilt. There was no doubt in my mind that I was the first man she’d spent any type of time with like that since T-Bone died. I understood even as my ego took a hit from her reaction. I refused to let her pull away though. Not now. Not when we’d just made a little bit of headway in her claiming her life back again.
I gave her a little time to come to terms with waking up next to me – or on me – and hoped that Gretchen would see she hadn’t done anything wrong. That didn’t appear to be the case. So, I waited a little longer before I noticed her leaving for her lunch break one day. I had purposely blocked out her usual lunch times all week in my calendar so that I w
ould have the time free to do what I was about to do. I would not be embarrassed about hijacking a lunch date from her either.
The moment she stepped out the door I followed. “Oh hey!” She managed to get out after jumping out of her skin when she felt me brush up against her as the door slowly shut behind us.
“Hey, G.”
“What are you doing?”
“I’m going to lunch, same as you,” I told her.
“Oh, okay, well enjoy your lunch.” Her words were dismissive as if we’d be heading in opposite directions. Poor thing didn’t even clue in until I moved to hold the door for her at her favorite deli. “W-what are you doing?” The stutter was cute. I just grinned in response.
“My momma would have my ass if I didn’t hold the door for a beautiful woman.”
Her chest, neck, and cheeks flooded with pink as a blush stole across her body in response to my calling her beautiful. It was good to know she was just as affected by me as I was by her.
“I meant,” she glanced around her surroundings. “What are you doing here?”
“It’s lunch time, G. I’m hungry. You’re hungry. I think it’s pretty obvious we’re both here to eat.”
“Oh, but I…” She stopped and looked around again as if someone was going to pop out of the woodwork and save her from having lunch with me. Not in this lifetime sweetheart!
I tipped my chin up as the line moved. “Your turn to order, sweetheart.” She jumped a little, hesitated for just a moment, and then ordered one of the club subs the deli was known for. “I’ll have the same, both with large drinks, and a bag of chips,” I told the girl behind the counter.
“Oh no,” Gretchen tried to stop me from putting our orders together.
“Why don’t you go find us a table while I get this?” If she had something else to put her mind on, maybe, just maybe, she wouldn’t run out of here like her panties were on fire. Instead of arguing this time, or trying to, she turned and went to find us a table. It was only then I noticed that Sully and Zeke were both sitting a couple feet away from where everything had just gone down. It was a good thing Judah and Ever were both still back at the shop, because it never occurred to me that everyone else had been gone already.
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