‘What’s on the menu?’ Carole asked as Emma managed to steer her round the difficult corner between the lounge and kitchen.
‘Burgers, mostly. And sausages, if they aren’t charcoal. I just need to get the rest of the food ready.’
Rather than place her mum next to the table, she faced her towards the old-fashioned open kitchen so they could talk while Emma put salad and crisps into bowls and prepped rolls.
‘Can I go outside? I’d like to see the barbequing in action.’
‘Of course. I’ll just finish here and then we’ll get you sorted.’ What a simple request. And yet how complicated it seemed. Buttering the last of the buns, she attempted to push her reluctant thoughts aside.
She grabbed her mum’s coat and some extra blankets. It wasn’t the nicest of days and she wanted to make sure she’d be warm enough. Nathan might be oblivious to the elements, but that didn’t mean the rest of the world were able to behave with such disregard. The last thing she needed was her mother getting poorly.
‘It’s cold out there. Are you sure you want to go out?’ Emma wasn’t able to stop herself from trying to discourage her mum. Even though, right at this moment, it was supposed to be about embracing the hour, there was an impulse to prevent the worst that she wasn’t able to put to bed. The thought of her mum getting ill was causing a domino effect in her head. There was already so much to deal with. Something like that on top of everything else might be the thing to make it all fall down.
‘Of course I’m sure. I could do with some cold air in my lungs.’
It wasn’t the cold air that was worrying Emma. It was all the bacteria that lingered unseen. New forms her mum hadn’t experienced yet. Tiny germs that somehow had the capacity to change the course of life entirely.
Emma stopped herself mid thought and zipped up her mum’s coat. When had she got so hyper-cautious?
She knew it was because of the pending biopsy results. They were making her worry about everything, more than she ever had before. Little things were becoming great chasms that she wasn’t able to overcome.
She needed to snap out of it. She needed to focus on everlasting acts, not temporary anxieties.
Emma got the portable ramps out for the back steps. They weren’t particularly heavy, just cumbersome to move about. The real trick was making sure they were in the right place. Getting them in exactly the correct position made moving the wheelchair outside a whole lot easier.
With those in place, Emma went and got her mum. She always went on the ramp in reverse to make the whole procedure easier. That way, if anything was in the wrong place, it meant at least she was in the right position to fix the situation. It only took one almost-making-your-mother-nosedive-into-the-garden moment for her to learn this was the better way to go about things.
It was after she’d started the manoeuvre that she remembered she wasn’t really supposed to be doing any manual handling on this scale. Her side pinched and she took a sharp breath on the pain inching through to her ribs.
‘Let me!’ Nathan gave Emma an earnest look.
‘Thank you,’ she said, realising that she was trying to carry on far too vehemently as if nothing was wrong.
‘A gentleman as well as a chef. How come I’ve never heard of you before, Nathan?’ Emma’s mum was doing her best to get a peek, even though Nathan was behind her.
If Emma hadn’t been busy tending to the pain she’d caused herself, she would have been straight in with an answer. She had no idea what her answer would have been, but it seemed fair to be the one to field any questions.
‘I’m a man of many talents. I do hope you like burnt sausages.’ Nathan moved the wheelchair with ease and swung it round so her mother had a prime view of the smoking barbeque and not Emma rubbing her side.
‘I’ll take any sausage action I can get.’
‘Mum!’ Emma had to say something. She may be a woman approaching her thirties – or at least hoping to – but she wasn’t beyond being embarrassed by her mother.
‘So how do you two know each other?’ Carole attempted to look towards her, but her position wouldn’t let her so she settled her gaze on Nathan.
Emma didn’t move to be in her mum’s sightline. She was still in too much pain for that. It was clear Carole was hoping that at long last she was about to be introduced to a boyfriend.
‘We met at the bus stop. My usual mode of transport is temporarily out of action and Emma’s been helping me get to grips with being on a bus for the first time in ten years. Have you got a plate I can bung these sausages on, Emma? They’re pretty much done.’
‘I’ll go grab one.’
It was with record speed that Emma found a plate, grabbing two to spare herself a second journey if another was needed. She didn’t want to miss out on any of what was being said. Seeing as Nathan’s tale of how they’d met was a ruse, it would help if she knew exactly what her mum had been told.
Emma almost dropped the plate when she rejoined them. Nathan had moved the chair so her mum was able to have a go at flipping burgers. Emma’s predicted health and safety assessment produced such terrifying results that she almost instinctively threw a plate at Nathan’s head. What was he thinking?
She hadn’t been clear enough about her mum’s illness and the problems it caused. How was Nathan to know that the lack of control she possessed over her own muscles was likely to result in her burning herself, or a burger flying into his face? But as she headed over in slow motion, she wasn’t quick enough to stop what was happening.
With Nathan’s assistance, the palette knife slid under a sizzling burger, and between them, despite the occasional tremor, they flipped it. And her mum laughed for the first time in a long while. A laugh that tinkled through the air like it was lighter than life itself; a molecule escaping into the atmosphere saying, ‘I lived and I lived well.’
One moment it was there. The next it was lost.
Emma wanted to grab it. To make that molecule stay put. She needed to keep it in her pocket as a reminder that not everything ended up as badly as she thought it might. That strangers could become friends who were kind enough to gift an hour and make her mother laugh.
She needed to remember that not everything was designed to make life difficult. Okay, there were difficulties, but that shouldn’t stop moments like this existing.
And yet, despite the bauble of laughter still hanging in the air, she couldn’t stop herself from asking the question. ‘Are you okay, Mum?’
‘Absolutely.’ Carole smiled as she turned to her. ‘You never told me you knew a skydiving instructor?’
Nathan had taken over flipping duties now and Emma relaxed again.
‘We’ve not known each other that long.’
‘I’d love to do that. I’ve always wanted to jump out of a plane and float back to the earth.’ There was colour in her mum’s cheeks as she confessed to the desire.
‘Have you? You’ve never told me.’ Emma was surprised to hear this revelation when her own response to the thought of jumping out of a plane was to keep her feet firmly planted on the ground.
‘Why don’t you? You’d love it,’ Nathan chipped in. He made sure Carole was comfortably seated again before starting to place sausages and burgers onto a plate.
Carole looked down and took her own figure in. ‘It’s not exactly something I’ve ever imagined would be possible.’
‘I don’t see why not. I’m sure I could get something sorted. Burger, anyone?’
All at once the molecule popped. Emma heard it. Because even though everyone else was still smiling, she wasn’t able to. There was lightness around her, but she wasn’t able to bring it towards the heaviness in her heart. She was never going to say it out loud, for fear her mother would hear the molecule burst too, but no, there wasn’t one part of her that could imagine her mum jumping out of a plane.
Some days, however hard she tried to combat those thoughts, everything seemed to be against her and it became impossibly hard to see beyond the
here and now.
Some days a barbeque in February had to be miracle enough.
Nathan’s Diary
Respite is such a rare thing in life. The offering of a blank page is no longer an option. We are rushing.
We are windswept.
We are fighting to be heard.
There is never enough silence.
The nights I have without dreams are so infrequent that when they occur the peacefulness of the morning is untold. What a blessing a blank page is. The opportunity to start anew.
Today isn’t the day I die. Today is the day I start to make a difference.
Thirteen
Day Nine
Emma’s life was made up of broken pieces. Nothing was neatly in place like it once had been. When Nathan had called saying he wanted to start making a difference, to begin putting his everlasting acts into place, taking him to the youth club had seemed like a good idea.
Thursday was her day off from the library. It was the day she played catch-up with chores and then, for an hour each week, she helped run the young carers’ group. She took it in turns with her friend Alice to organise an activity for the kids. Providing them with the chance to be children was the part she enjoyed most. And it was great to have something else to focus on – she didn’t have to fix a problem or finish a task. Their only job was to have fun. It seemed like exactly the kind of thing that Nathan needed to occupy him. It would do them both some good.
At the very least, some sense of normality would resume within her week. As she wasn’t planning on returning to work just yet, continuing to volunteer at the carers’ group would give her life some structure to hang off. It might also give Nathan some ideas about what he would be able to do to make a difference.
‘I’m going to say you’re here for a work placement. We sometimes have trainee social workers who pop along.’
‘Where are we going? Is that the library?’
They were heading across a green to a single-storey white building.
‘It’s the community building. It’s used for local groups, mostly. The youth group meet here weekly and the carers’ group meets as part of the youth club evening.’
‘And this is part of your work?’
‘I do this voluntarily. Or rather, it’s more a case of never having left. I used to come here as a youngster and I helped set up a young carers’ group for this area. A decade later and I’m still here. Alice and I run it these days. We’ve got some great kids who come along. For some of them, it’s the only time they meet others in the same position as them or get to enjoy an hour of being themselves.’
‘Wow. So you manage to work, look after your mum and help run a carers’ group? I think I need to up my game.’
‘I only work part-time. And I love running the group. It’s what gives me my sanity at times.’ She wasn’t sure it was so virtuous if she got as much out of it as she put in.
‘But still… Some people wouldn’t find the energy for something like this with everything that you do elsewhere. Believe me, I’ve spent far too many evenings lounging on the sofa.’
‘I imagine jumping out of planes is quite tiring. I don’t think anyone would say there is anything wrong with needing to rest.’ Emma glanced across the grass as they strolled over. The first of the spring daisies were evident, the sight of them making her think of the seasons to come and whether she would get to see the white and yellow flowers push through the grass next year. She didn’t want to think like that, though. Despite everything being out of place, she liked to live in the belief that everything happened for a reason. That, perhaps, the shift in the pattern of her life was occurring for a beneficial purpose.
‘What about you? Your mum seems very keen to jump out of a plane. Isn’t it something you want to do as well?’
Emma was quick to shake her head. ‘I like to keep my feet well and truly planted on the ground.’
‘We need to work out how to get you puffin-spotting instead.’
‘That is far more my cup of tea,’ Emma said, distracted as they reached the doors of the white building. However much coming here was a step towards normality, it also reminded her how much had changed. Would anything ever be the same again, with something so life-defining hanging on the peripheries of her life? ‘My friend Alice doesn’t know about… Well, you know.’ Emma pointed towards her boobs.
‘I wouldn’t ever say a thing.’ Nathan made a gesture indicating he was zipping his lips.
She wanted to tell Alice. She was her closest friend, after all. But in the same way she didn’t want to worry her mother unnecessarily, she was taking the same stance with her friend. She would tell them the news if it turned out there was any. She took a deep breath, praying that wouldn’t be the case. ‘Alice has organised the activity this week. We take it in turns.’ She pushed against the heavy doors and was greeted by the sound of teenagers working at making themselves heard. She loved that noise – every second full of energy, never dropping a beat. It was such a juxtaposition to her own quiet life and it always made her smile. She relished the time she spent here.
‘This way.’ Emma waved Nathan in the right direction. The young carers’ group got to squirrel away in one of the side rooms off the main hall.
‘Doesn’t this make them feel like they’re missing out, if they’re not part of the main group?’ Nathan was looking at the larger hall, where music was playing and various ball games were breaking out.
‘It seems to have the opposite effect. It makes them feel special. They get to join the larger group after we’ve finished, and they always want to know what we’ve been up to this week. Of course, what they don’t realise is that having the smaller group allows them to open up and talk about home life. If any of them have had a bad week they can talk about it in ways they wouldn’t necessarily get the chance to if they went straight to the larger group. It kind of acts like a safe haven, being able to share with others in a similar predicament who they know won’t judge. Not that the other kids here would, but there’s just so much peer pressure from every quarter… It’s just nice that, for a brief period of time, they get the chance for some kind of normality. It’s something I really appreciated as a teen when I was coming here. To be honest, it’s the reason I still come.’
‘It sounds like you’re doing a really good thing. For you and the kids.’
Emma pushed open the door into the smaller, calmer side room. ‘Hey, Alice, we have a work experience guest joining us. I hope that’s okay?’
Alice’s beam said it was more than okay. Her smile wasn’t usually that broad. It was clear that Emma’s best friend wasn’t oblivious to this man’s good looks and charm.
The members of the youth group were already getting stuck into their project. Alice was always organised and had printed off instructions to help them all out.
‘What’s today’s activity?’ Nobody was far enough through the task for Emma to work out what the end product was going to be.
‘We’re doing some découpage. I asked them all to bring in a container they used regularly that they’d like to do up. I have some spares if you two would like to join in?’
‘Why not?’ Nathan said.
It was amazing, Nathan thought, how cutting up tiny pieces of wrapping paper decorated with some of his favourite action heroes was proving to be therapeutic. The kid he was sharing the paper with must have been about twelve.
‘These look cool, huh?’ Nathan said, attempting to strike up a bit of conversation.
The boy flicked his gaze towards him. It wasn’t a look of disapproval. It wasn’t a welcoming one either.
‘What are you using yours for once it’s done?’ he tried again.
The kid gazed at him again. Longer this time, as if it would help suss him out. ‘It’s my dad’s pill box.’
There were no amount of ‘pow’ captions to lighten the blow of that. Of all the fun and frivolous things this young boy could be doing, he was instead decorating one of the hardest parts of his dad’
s life. Nathan held out his hand. ‘Hi, I’m Nathan.’
If he was meeting someone braver than he was, it seemed right that he should at least put up a formal introduction.
‘I’m Rudi. What are you going to use yours for?’ Rudi shook his hand.
The box Nathan had been given was not much more than twenty centimetres cubed. ‘I figure it’ll be perfect for my work locker. I need somewhere to put everything from my pockets – all the stuff I’m not allowed to take with me when I’m jumping out of a plane.’
It might blow the cover story that he was here on work experience, but it was worth it the moment he saw Rudi’s eyebrows raise.
‘Do you really jump out of planes?’
‘Yep.’
‘No waaayyy.’
‘Yeah, they don’t like your car keys to fall out and end up hitting anyone.’
Rudi laughed. ‘You’re being daft. Is that really what you do?’
‘Yes, honestly. I’m a tandem skydiving instructor – when I’m not hanging out and working on my découpage skills.’
‘I can’t imagine jumping out of a plane. It would be so cool!’ Rudi’s eyes were bulging. ‘I’d love to do that. It would be awesome.’
‘You would?’
‘Yeah, but I never could.’ Rudi glanced down at his découpage box, a flush of embarrassment reaching his cheeks.
‘Why not?’ Nathan’s curiosity overtook the need to be polite.
The kid shrugged. ‘Money and stuff. I need to be about for my dad.’
Rudi’s response surprised Nathan. What a weight of responsibility for a young kid to bear.
‘I’m afraid you have to be sixteen to jump, but there’s always indoor skydiving in the meantime. In fact, you, Rudi, are my lightning bolt.’
‘Your what?’
‘I needed an idea and I think you’ve helped me find it.’
‘What’s that then?’ Rudi was looking more than a little perplexed and had dipped his piece of paper in the glue for far too long.
99 Days With You Page 6
