But there are times when you are too lost to follow the birdsong. Too tired to find the right path. There are times when you’re on the verge of giving up.
Twenty-Six
Emma
Day Twenty-Three
Emma had taken to reading to Nathan. It was now day three, and clearly whatever was happening to him wasn’t usual after a routine surgical procedure.
The worst part was even the doctors seemed baffled. It made it very hard to gauge whether anyone should be concerned, and to what level. There were mostly mutterings about it being down to shock.
Because she wasn’t, strictly speaking, next of kin, Emma had asked the nursing staff to get in touch with Nathan’s half-brother, Marcus. But Nathan hadn’t been kidding when he said his brother wouldn’t be interested – Marcus was a royal idiot. When Emma had called him, he had said that unless Nathan was dying, he didn’t see the point in visiting. He didn’t even want to be updated. When Nathan had spoken about Marcus before, he’d told Emma that because their father had never played a part in Marcus’s life, his half-brother had never wanted anything to do with the man’s history either. Nathan had tried to play a supportive role by being the one to make contact and establish some kind of sibling relationship, but it had all been rebuffed. It seemed pretty dismal to Emma that, even given that Nathan was ill, Marcus wasn’t prepared to forgive the mistakes of their father. It didn’t seem right when neither of them was to blame.
Instead, Marcus had questioned Emma about who she was and why she was down as next of kin. It was sad that he didn’t know much about Nathan’s life. The problem was, neither did Emma. She knew the basics: where he worked, where he lived and a few of the people he would call friends. On day two of his sedation, she’d gone round to his place to speak to his housemates. She knew some of his friends at his workplace, but she thought it was best not to tell them yet, not without Nathan’s go-ahead. How long it was suitable to keep that from them, she had no idea. She was beginning to think she should get in touch, but it was hard to know what to do when Nathan was stuck in a no man’s land of existence.
Because Nathan had been asleep for so many days, they’d carried out a CT scan of his brain to check the surgery hadn’t caused a stroke or something similar. Catatonic, they were calling it. That sounded far too scary to Emma. Like something they saved for movies; something that shouldn’t be happening without a clapperboard declaring they were on take fifteen.
Emma closed the copy of the book she was reading. It was The Beast in the Jungle by Henry James. She wasn’t sure why she’d picked it – the main character, John Marcher, believed he was destined to fulfil a catastrophic fate and waited for it intently. It was far too close to home for it to be suitable bedside reading for Nathan. She needed to source a jollier novel with a more upbeat tale. ‘I don’t think you were enjoying that book anyway,’ she sighed. ‘We’ll have to make a start on something else.’
A noise escaped Nathan – not speech; more of a chirp. Like he was attempting to say a word, but all that was emerging was a strangled sound.
‘What was that?’ It was the first hint of life that Emma had witnessed since he’d returned from theatre, and she had to hold her breath to make sure she wasn’t mistaken. Everything, even her own heart, was on pause. ‘Say it again so I can hear properly.’ She moved closer, her hand brushing against his skin. Never had she willed a sound to make itself known more. It didn’t matter that it was just a noise. An incomprehensible chirp would be the sweetest sound she’d ever heard if it meant Nathan was still in there.
Emma wasn’t beyond flopping her heart out onto a plate if it meant getting him back. ‘Look, whatever idea you have in your head about dying, you have to let it go. You have to let go of all those fears and do whatever it takes to find your way back to us. I can’t do anything to right the world without you here.’
Emma stopped talking in the hope Nathan might fill the interlude. Was it too much to hope that the one sound he’d emitted wasn’t a fluke? Knowing her luck, she was making this speech on the back of a burp, and whatever hope was springing from her was the result of a gaseous bubble.
‘We said we were in this as partners. We have our fertility appointment tomorrow. The next stage of this whole thing. This is the bit we do together. I don’t know what to do without you.’ Emma wasn’t ready to lose him yet. She wasn’t sure what she’d do without him, in more than one regard. This hadn’t been on the cards. She’d not prepared herself for this kind of loss – one where his body was present, but the rest of him was not.
This was the moment where the clapper board should come in. The crew could reapply make-up, ready for a close-up. Ready for the moment when he would wake up and the happy reunion would happen. Nathan would suddenly be full of life and they would embrace and he’d say, ‘I’m here for you,’ like there was nothing in the world to fear.
But there was nothing. Nada. Zilch.
If Emma thought shaking him awake would do any good, she’d do it, but she knew the medical staff had tried every trick and Nathan was undergoing every investigation to get to the bottom of it.
‘I’m here for you.’ Perhaps she wasn’t the one that needed to hear that reassurance. ‘I know I have treatment to come, but I’m still going to be here for you. Whatever happens, I’m going to make sure you’re okay. Mum will too. We’ll get through this together.’ She wasn’t able to say more, the toll of tears falling freely catching in her throat. She didn’t want him to know she was crying.
No response.
She moved her glasses and brushed her tears away. Those were all the reassurances she was able to provide. There was so much that existed in the realms of the unknown, it was hard to know what to say. And sadly, the only thing Emma knew for certain was that tonight she would have to go home. Alone.
Twenty-Seven
‘Any news, love?’ The hope in her mother’s voice was enough for her tears to start flowing once again.
Emma did her best to mop them up before going to the front room. ‘No change,’ she reported, in the same wooden way the nurses kept telling her.
‘It’s going to be okay, love. He’ll come out of it at some point, and they’ll let us know when he does. Go and get some rest. You’ve had another long day. I think we both need an early night.’
Carole was right. She was bone-weary after the uncertainty of the last few days. Even so, she was going to find it hard to sleep.
It broke her heart to go to bed with little hope that he was going to wake. With days of despair behind her, she’d not even had chance to contemplate what was to come.
For the first time, she’d found herself in love. It was ridiculous to think that it was something she’d waited for her whole life and here it had crept up on her in the most impossible of circumstances. Trust her to realise what it was only now that Nathan was out of reach. And because it wasn’t the fairy-tale romance of her childhood dreams, the one she’d read over and over in all her treasured books, a kiss on the lips hadn’t woken him up like it should have done. She knew because she’d tried it on her way out.
There was nothing for it other than to attempt to sleep. Like Nathan had told her before this, sometimes the only thing to do was to take what was happening one hour at a time. She would decide what to do about the appointment when she’d got some rest under her belt.
When the phone rang it startled her from the slumber she’d found herself in.
It was two in the morning.
No good phone call ever took place at that hour.
Twenty-Eight
Day Twenty-Four
‘Where’s Emma?’
Apparently Nathan had been asking the question on repeat since waking up at half one in the morning.
When Emma arrived at the ward, Nathan was up and dressed and pacing by his bed like a caged animal.
‘There you are. I thought you were going to wait here?’ Nathan brought her into a hug.
Emma responded with a great sense of relie
f finding its way to her pores and into her being. But there was an edge of caution. Something wasn’t quite right.
‘Has anyone spoken to you yet?’ It was two thirty. Emma wasn’t sure who would be about for Nathan to chat with.
‘They keep telling me to wait by my bedside until the doctor gets here. I don’t understand why I need to stay here when I’ve got you to take me home. They kept saying you weren’t here and I didn’t understand. But you’re here now so that’s good. We can go.’
It was apparent from Nathan’s mumblings that he wasn’t gauging everything from a fully rational perspective.
‘You’re not in the day surgery unit any more. They had to admit you as an inpatient. You didn’t wake up as quickly as they’d hoped.’
‘Excellent! A few bonus hours of snoozing. I don’t see why we can’t head home now though.’
It had been four days since Nathan’s surgery, but it was clear he didn’t have any concept of day or time. It was hard to know what to say to him. She would much prefer someone with some medical training to explain what had happened.
Emma peered at the nurse’s station in the corridor in the hope of getting the attention of one of the staff. Surely someone should be speaking to Nathan and filling in the blanks.
One of the nurses noticed and popped over.
‘The on-call doctor is on his way. They know Nathan is awake. Let us know if you need anything.’
A guide on how to cope in bizarre circumstances would have been good. Was it down to her to fill Nathan in on what had happened? She doubted the overnight nurse or the on-call doctor had the foggiest as to the strangeness of Nathan’s unexplained unconsciousness.
For a second Emma let the relief wash over her and hugged him tight again. It was such a welcome feeling to hold him again, but at the same time it was foreign… This time Nathan was joining in less than she was. But even if he was a tad disorientated, at least he was once again conscious. And even if he didn’t realise he’d been out of it for days, he did know who she was. They were huge doses of comfort to hold on to.
‘What time is it?’ It was taking a while, but it looked like Nathan might be coming to his senses, taking note of the closed curtains and dimmed lighting.
‘It’s two thirty in the morning,’ Emma said, sounding like an exhausted mother who’d been woken up.
‘Wow. That was quite a snooze.’
Emma wasn’t sure what to say. She certainly didn’t have all the medical jargon at her disposal to give a full and accurate explanation.
‘What do you remember?’ Emma didn’t see the need for providing Nathan with traumatic footnotes if he didn’t remember what had happened. If he had no recollection of waking up during the surgery, Emma didn’t want to trigger the memory. That might even set him back into his non-responsive state. And she couldn’t bear that – she had only just got him back.
‘Going for surgery.’
Nathan made no mention of what had happened: the consciousness when he should have been unconscious; the unconsciousness when he should have been conscious.
‘They’re not going to let you out of the hospital in the middle of the night. We’re going to have to wait here to see the doctor.’ Emma managed to get Nathan to return to his bed space. He’d probably disturbed enough patients before she’d arrived.
‘I’m not tired, though. What are we going to do?’
‘Sleep. The only thing I want to do is sleep.’ The turmoil of the last few days was catching up with her. The uncertainty had caused restless nights and now she was awake when she needed to play at being a patient again in a few short hours.
‘Let’s sleep then. Even if I don’t need to, you can use my bed while we wait.’
The suggestion, although probably not in keeping with any hospital policy, was far too tempting to resist. It was a bed, and at that moment anything was better than nothing.
As Emma found her way under the covers, Nathan joined her. It was as intimate as she’d ever been with a man. There was barely room for the pair of them, so they had no choice but to snuggle close to one another.
Nathan gently stroked Emma’s arm and the soothing sensation soon lulled her into the deepest sleep she’d ever had.
Only this was one she planned to wake up from.
She just had to hope Nathan did too.
Twenty-Nine
Emma was sick of appointments. That was why, for the first time in what felt like weeks, she was taking a trip to somewhere other than the hospital.
When the doctors finally saw Nathan, they hadn’t been prepared to release him immediately, like he’d hoped. Instead, he needed to go for a few tests to confirm that his episode was well and truly over. He would be done by about four, when they were due to head to their joint appointment.
Instead of having Emma wait round (and she had been there from an exceptionally early time), the nursing staff had suggested she go home to have a rest and freshen up before returning later. She’d rested briefly, but now she was opting to spend some quality time with her mother.
‘This isn’t the right stop, is it?’ Carole asked, as Emma pressed the button several stops earlier than usual.
‘It is today.’
It was weird being this close to the library with no intention of going there. She’d been saved the task of having to speak to her boss thanks to her doctor’s note, which meant he hadn’t asked why she wasn’t back at work yet.
‘This way, Mum.’ They didn’t have far to go, and when they got there Emma gladly wheeled her mother’s chair through the double doors.
‘What’s going on? What are we up to?’
‘I thought we’d do something a bit different today. I figured we needed a treat.’
The waiter, the same one she’d seen before, showed them to their seats. Their table faced out to the courtyard, the tinkling noise of the fountain in the pond the only sound disturbing them.
‘Isn’t this beautiful? I never realised this hotel was big enough to have this hidden away.’
‘I thought you’d like it.’ Emma smiled. Ever since she’d been, she’d thought about how much her mother would love coming here. And how much she would love to bring her.
‘It’s wonderful. But what about Nathan? I thought we were on our way to see him?’
‘I’m meeting him later this afternoon. Hopefully, he’ll have been discharged and we’ll go for our appointment. He was having some extra tests done today before being let out. They said there was no point me getting there early as he won’t be on the ward. They said I should rest. This isn’t quite resting, but it does seem like the perfect way to relax.’
Once they’d put in their order for afternoon tea, it didn’t take long for it to be delivered. It looked every bit as good as Emma remembered, only this time they were skipping the champagne.
‘Amazing.’ Carole’s eyes nearly popped out of her head at the selection on offer.
‘Thank you, Mum, for everything.’ Not so long ago, Emma would have thought this an impossibility. Maybe it would have been, if not for the courage her mother had gained when she’d taken flight with Nathan.
‘I think I need to thank you, darling. You’ve done so much for me over the years. I think I have rather come to take it for granted. Now it’s my turn to look after you as much as I can.’
Emma took her mother’s hand. ‘We can continue looking after each other. But not before enjoying afternoon tea. Shall I be mother?’
They’d stuck with the traditional choice of English breakfast tea. It had been made with loose tea leaves and Emma enjoyed the process of pouring it through the tea strainer before adding a splash of milk.
‘This is such a treat. Can you dish me up one of those sandwiches?’
Emma popped a finger sandwich onto her mum’s plate and helped herself to one as well. It was reassuring that it was so quiet in the hotel. If Carole had any spasms while eating, no one was going to sit and stare.
‘I’m so glad we’ve come here. I came once
before – the day I left work – because it all got a bit too much. It didn’t feel right that you weren’t here.’
It turned out that Carole jumping out of a plane had given Emma more courage to step outside her comfort zone as well. She was more capable than she would have ever believed. She just hoped she was able to keep hold of that thought in the coming weeks and months.
As they tucked into their cream cheese and cucumber finger sandwiches, it was a nice feeling to be doing something purely for pleasure.
It didn’t take away from everything else that had been going on, but it was certainly a moment to enjoy. A slice of tranquillity while they were in the midst of a storm. The weight of the world could remain outside for now.
Fortunately, after all the tests that had been carried out, the doctors didn’t find anything that made them want to keep Nathan in.
Emma had taken her mother home and then returned to the hospital, still full from the indulgent afternoon tea but ready for her appointment with Nathan. At least here it looked like they’d considered the design of their waiting room. There were pictures on the wall, all in shades of purple that subtly matched the paint. It didn’t quite have the tea-and-coffee facilities she’d hoped for, but there was a water fountain, which was as close as she was going to get.
‘Are you sure you’re okay with us doing this?’ Emma asked Nathan for approximately the 108th time.
She just needed to be sure. And it was really hard to be sure when the person she was asking had only just woken up from a three-day coma.
‘They’ve told us if we freeze your eggs and my sperm separately, the chances are much lower. We don’t know what the future holds, but by doing this together we’re at least putting one set of odds in our favour. It makes perfect sense,’ Nathan said. He’d clearly paid attention to the information pamphlet they’d been given.
99 Days With You Page 11
