by Vivian Ward
“Don’t worry, I’ll help you clean up,” he says. “You tell me what to do and I’ll do it.”
Sometimes I wonder how Harley can be more thoughtful than my own husband. “Thank you,” I say. “I appreciate your help. Maybe we can get started on the kitchen first. I can wash things up as you bring them to me and we’ll just pitch all the trash, then I can wipe things down.”
“You’re the boss,” he winks at me.
Harley is such a great guy. Emma’s an idiot and she doesn’t deserve him. At all. He deserves someone better. Maybe someone like….me.
“Harley,” I say, lowering my voice. “What are you doing with that girl? You’re too good for her.”
He frowns. “I know she’s not normally my type, but she gave me a place to live when I didn’t have anywhere else to go and I’m still trying to save enough cash to buy a house. After being with that bitch, it taught me something important: to have my own house. I never thought I’d end up in this position but I guess live and learn, right?”
“You know you could come stay with us,” I offer. “You’re Rocco’s best friend, he wouldn’t let you live on the street and neither would I. You’ve got to get away from that troll in there. She’s bringing you down,” I whisper.
He smiles at me and laughs before he leans down and kisses my cheek. “You’re too sweet. How is it that you’re always worried about me? Rocco’s such a lucky guy. I wish I had a girl like you. Sometimes, I wish I would’ve scooped you up before he did,” he turns his gaze outside. “Is that silly?”
My fingers instantly move to my cheek, wanting to seal his kiss into my skin forever. I can still feel his lips tingling against my skin even though he’s sitting in the chair beside me, casually sipping his coffee as he continues staring outside.
Feeling flustered, and not wanting him to catch me touching the spot he just kissed, I quickly remove my hand before he looks back to me.
He touches me all the time at work, and each time, my body always has a similar reaction. I wonder if he knows, if he can feel it, and maybe that’s why he does it.
“No, it’s not silly at all,” I answer.
He has no clue how badly I want him. It seems as though the two of us have this connection, this intensity that lingers between us, and it’s stronger than both of us. I know he can feel it because it’s too powerful for either of us to deny. Some things may be accidental but there’s no mistaking the fact that he lays his hands on me almost daily, there’s no denying that we tell each other some of our most intimate secrets, and there’s no question that I’m starting to fall in love with him.
How could I not?
He’s kind, caring, charismatic, handsome, rugged, and, in a twisted way, he’s a lot like Rocco. They have the same interests, hobbies, and similar points of view on a lot of different things. I know it’s wrong and I shouldn’t have feelings for his best friend like this but I just feel like he’s been showing me more attention than Rocco has lately.
Still, attention or not, it shouldn’t excuse anything. I love my husband, dearly. He’s my best friend and I feel like I’m betraying him, yet I also feel like I already lost him.
I feel like I lose him a little more each month that I’m unable to get pregnant. Maybe there’s no hope left for us. Some things are what they are, no matter how much you try to control them. Maybe Rocco and I weren’t destined to be parents.
I’d like to say that I’m okay with that, but I’m not. I’ve always envisioned me nursing a baby to sleep or Rocco’s big footsteps chasing after tiny ones as they play in the house. It doesn’t seem like any of it will ever happen, though.
The fact that it feels like we’ve given up has really thrown me in a funk that I’ve not been able to get out of lately. I’ve done my best to hide it but my acting can only go so far for so long. My biggest fear is that it’ll drive a wedge between us that will sever our marriage, and I can’t picture him not being by my side.
“I guess we’d better get to cleaning,” Harley says. “I’ll gather up the trash and get it taken out. The longer we sit around here, the less time I’ll have to go fishing.”
“Sounds good,” I say.
Running hot water, I fill the sink with suds and begin wiping things down as Harley clears a path for me. When we’re finished, I load up the dishwasher while he gets ready to go fishing with Rocco.
“Need anything else?” He asks, slipping on his shirt.
“Nah, I’ve got the last of it done. I just need to sweep and then,” the front door pops open before I can finish my sentence.
Rocco comes bounding in, carrying his fishing cooler. “Is anyone hungry? I caught us some lunch!”
“Dude! No way! How long have you been out there?” Harley asks, helping Rocco take the fish out of the cooler as he counts them.
“For about three hours or so,” Rocco grins. He’s proud of his catch today. “If we hurry up and eat, I bet we can catch a few to take home with us since we’re leaving in the morning. Pack those babies on ice and stick them in the freezer when we get home, we’ll have enough to get a couple of meals each, I’m sure.”
While the men get busy gutting the fish and starting the fire, I take the opportunity to slip away so I can shower and change into my bikini. My headache has finally gone away and the thought of a solid lunch on my stomach sounds great. I’m glad we got the place cleaned up before they started making a fish gut mess.
When I get out of the shower, I see Rocco and Harley having a beer while standing next to the grill and begin to put on my flip flops to go join them. The minute I open the front door, I hear Emma calling for Harley from the hallway.
“He’s outside,” I answer her as she makes her way into the living room. “Rocco caught some fish this morning and they’re outside grilling. Lunch will be ready soon.”
“Oh god,” she scrunches her face. “We’re actually going to eat the fish? I didn’t think Harley was serious about that.”
I’m speechless and not sure what to say to her. Who goes fishing and doesn’t eat their catch?
“Yep, he was serious,” I laugh. “Don’t you like fish?”
“No,” she shakes her head. “I thought they did it more for the sport like some guys do.”
“Then you don’t know Harley very well. They always go hunting and fishing, and they always eat whatever they bring home.”
Her eyes bulge out of her head. “Like what?”
I shrug. “Fish, deer, turkey, you know? The usual.”
“That is so disgusting. Do you eat it, too?” She asks me.
I nod my head. “Yeah. I didn’t used to at first because I thought it was gross, too, but one day Rocco made some deer jerky at home that smelled so good that I had to try it. I’ve kept a pretty open mind ever since.”
“Shoot me now,” she says, making a gagging motion with her fingers in her throat.
“Well, I don’t think they’re into cannibalism, so I’m sure you’re safe.”
“Ugh,” she rolls her eyes. “Is there anything different that I can eat for lunch?”
A loud sigh escapes my lips, even though I didn’t mean for it to be audible. “Um, there’s some pizza rolls in the freezer.”
“Great! Could you heat them up for me while I get dressed? I’m sure they’ll want to get out of here as soon as we finish eating.”
Without another word, she turns on her heel and heads back into the bedroom. I’d feel rude if I didn’t make something for her but I also despise her for asking. I wanted to hang out with the guys but now I’m stuck in here make Miss Priss’s lunch.
After we finally eat and I get some food on my stomach, we spend the rest of the day out on the water, enjoying our last day of vacation before we head back to civilization in the morning. I’m dreading it and will miss this place.
Chapter 8
Rocco
I’ve been waiting to talk to Jules about my idea of moving to the suburbs and building a house, and it’s driving me crazy. We didn’t have much alone time si
nce we spent all day out on the water but now it’s just the two of us, driving down some of the windy dirt roads until we reach the highway.
Her tiny feet are propped up on the dashboard while she’s in another world, reading one of her many books. She carries them with her everywhere she goes. If you didn’t know she was a bartender, you’d think she was a sexy librarian. There’s not a story this woman won’t read. I find it very sexy.
“Hey Jules, can I borrow your attention for a minute?” I ask.
“Sure, what’s up?” She closes her book and faces me, moving her sunglasses on top of her head.
“I was doing some thinking and I don’t know when the right time is to bring this up but there’s something I’d like to talk to you about.” Her face turns to a blank slate, not revealing whatever is running through her head. “It’s nothing bad, I promise.”
“Okay,” she says, carefully enunciating each letter. “Then what’s it about?”
“When I was fishing yesterday morning, I got to thinking about our future. Maybe we should consider moving out to the suburbs and building a house.”
She pauses for a moment before responding. “Why would we do that? Our house is paid for and it’s close to my job, and it puts you in a central location for almost any job you might pick up.”
“I was thinking about when we have a baby. Don’t you want him or her to go to a nicer school and live in a safer neighborhood? I mean, it’s no secret there are a lot of shootings and gang activity where we live and I thought it might be a nice change—for both of us, all of us.”
Her face falls flat and she turns around, facing the windshield as she slips her sunglasses back on. “I don’t know, babe. What if we never get pregnant? Look how long we’ve been trying and nothing has happened. I’m worried about what will happen if it never happens.”
“I know, I have that same fear. I want to start a family with you more than words can describe but we still have options.”
“What options? You won’t even go get tested,” her words are filled with resentment.
My heart skips a beat and sinks to my stomach. I know how much this means to her and I’ve been such a selfish ass. We’ve already wasted enough time and, yet, I still haven’t agreed to testing. Her frown shows her disappointment and it makes me feel bad.
“I can go get tested,” I say. Her pursed lips and arched eyebrows say she doesn’t believe me but I will. I mean it. “The reason I haven’t already done it is because I’m afraid if they say it’s me. What if I’m the reason you aren’t getting pregnant? What would I do with that? Do you know how guilty I’d feel knowing that I can’t give you a baby that we both want?”
“But it could also be me,” she says, turning to face me again as she takes her sunglasses off again. “Babe, we don’t know. When I went to my doctor, they just did a regular check-up and the doctor said he didn’t see any reason why I couldn’t get pregnant but since you didn’t want to do the testing, neither did I.” She pauses, chewing her lip. “I have the same fear, you know? I’m afraid that I might be the problem and if I am, what will you do?”
Wrapping my hand around the back of her head, I pull her to me and kiss her lips. “Baby, I wouldn’t do anything. We’ll figure this out together. I promise. We can go get tested and find out together. Maybe it’s something as simple as fertility drugs or maybe we just need to adopt. Have you ever considered adoption?”
She slumps back in her seat. “I have, but I’m afraid it won’t be the same. I mean, I’d love the baby just as much but then I won’t get to feel it kick and I’m afraid I won’t have that bond that moms always talk about. Plus, I wouldn’t be able to breastfeed and there’s no guarantee we’d even be able to adopt a baby. Babies tend to get adopted first, so we might have to think about getting an older child—they need homes, too.”
“I know that, and it’s something I’d be willing to consider. I’m just saying let’s not rule out all of our options. We can stay put where we are now—and keep trying—while we build the new house and then we can move. No matter what, at least we’d have something better than what we have now.”
Jules slides over and nestles herself against me. “You’re right. It would be nice to live in a newer home in a nicer area. I’m just scared of change. And if we do end up having to adopt, we might have a better shot at it if we don’t live in the city because the schools districts will be nicer.”
I kiss the temple of her forehead and squeeze her shoulders as we pull onto the highway. “This will be the best thing that’s ever happened to us. You make those appointments when we get home and we’ll see where we stand.”
After we get the truck unloaded, I call Harley to talk to him about helping build the new house but after four rings, I get his voicemail. I hang up and send him a text to call me when he has a chance because I want to talk to him about something important.
I make a few more calls to some of the best guys on my crew and ask them if they’d be in and they all say yes. I’m excited and nervous because I feel like Jules and I are finally moving in the right direction for once.
“Mr. Davis,” a woman wearing scrubs calls my name, holding a chart.
Going to the doctor is one thing, but this brings it to a whole new level. It’s embarrassing to be here but Jules already went and got tested last week. She should have her results within the next day or two, and now it’s my turn.
Walking toward the woman, I feel everyone’s eyes stare at me. I don’t know why I’m so self-conscious about this. We’re all here for the same reason. At least I have Jules by my side unlike one of the guys who came in alone.
“Let’s get your current weight,” the nurse says as she leads us to a scale.
After she records my weight, she leads Jules and me to a private room where she takes my vitals and we wait for the doctor. I’ve never felt so tense in my entire life as I sit at the edge of the table, tapping my foot as I grip the cold leather bed. My neck and shoulders are stiff and achy, and my stomach is in knots.
“Are you nervous?” Jules asks once the nurse is gone.
“Very,” I say. “Is it that obvious?”
She giggles, “Yeah, just a little. You’ll be fine, though.”
“I wonder what they’re going to do—,” a knock on the door interrupts us.
An short, older man with balding gray hair enters the room. His name is sewn on the front of his white coat, ‘Dr. Jack Baldwin’.
“Mr. and Mrs. Davis?” He says, offering me his hand. “I’m Dr. Baldwin.”
I shake his hand. “Nice to meet you, Dr. Baldwin. This is my wife, Jules.”
He nods in her direction, greeting her. “So what can I do for you young folks today?”
I look to Jules to give the answer that won’t leave my lips no matter how hard I try to push the words out.
“We’re here—,” she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. “I mean, he’s here for fertility testing.”
“I see,” he says, pushing his clear plastic glasses up the bridge of his nose as he reviews my chart. “Have you already been tested, Mrs. Davis?”
“I went last week,” she says. “We’re still waiting for the results.”
“Then why are you here if you’re still waiting for your results?” The doctor asks her.
“We agreed that we’d both get tested together, at the same time, so that no matter the reason why we’re not getting pregnant, we’ll find out together.”
“Mhmm,” he nods. “And how long have the two of you been trying to conceive?”
“For almost two years,” I say. My words come out flatter than I would’ve liked them to.
“And you’ve never gotten pregnant? Not even a miscarriage?”
Jules shakes her head with a saddened expression on her face, “No.”
“What kind of underwear do you wear?” The doctor asks.
“Huh? Why do you want to know what kind of underwear I wear?” I ask, unsure of what the hell my underwear have to do wi
th having a baby.
“The temperature of your testes can affect your sperm,” he answers.
“Oh,” I say, my cheeks heating up. “I wear boxer briefs.”
“Mhmm,” he says. “You’re of average height and weight, which can affect the quality of sperm, so that’s a good thing. How is your diet? Do you eat healthy foods?”
Jules pipes in, “Yes, I cook dinner every night. We always have some type of meat with vegetables. I hardly ever buy junk food and even if I did, Rocco wouldn’t eat it.”
“Your blood pressure is slightly elevated,” the doctor notes. “But that’s nothing to be concerned about as it’s still within normal range. Would you mind providing me with a sample today?”
“A sample of what?” I ask. As soon as the words leave my mouth, my brain finally kicks in and I realize what he’s asking for.
Doctor: two, Rocco: zero.
“I’d like to do a sperm count, Mr. Davis. We have some rooms that are a bit more private and if you’d like, your wife can accompany you.”
Oh God. I have to jack off in front of my wife in a doctor’s office?
“Of course, if you’d like, she can wait in the waiting room as we have magazines and videos,” he pauses as he writes in my chart. “For your entertainment.”
My eyes cut to Jules and I stare at her, hoping she’ll save me. For a minute, I wonder why her doctor didn’t ask her to have sex in his office. This is crazy!
“I can go with him,” she says. “And if he needs me to step out, I can.”
“Fine, I’ll have the nurse show you to one of our specimen rooms and, in the mean time, I’d like you to switch to boxers, Mr. Davis. Let the boys have some air, shall we?”
I nod, wishing I’d just vanish into thin air. This is a little too invasive for my liking. I’ve never had a doctor ask all of these questions and require me to jerk off in a private room.
The doctor leans into the hallway and signals the nurse back into the room. “Please take Mr. and Mrs. Davis to one of the specimen rooms so we can obtain a sample.”
