by Katy Kaylee
For the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel like a piece of litter, blowing in the wind. I didn’t have direction or purpose yet, but I knew I wanted to be here. To be with Summer and her child.
If that was going to happen, I’d need to get my shit together, and not just my mental health, but a job. While I still had a few perks for being a vet, I wasn’t going to receive a pension. The only money I had now was what my grandmother left me after she died and the money saved from five years of the house being rented out. It wasn’t a lot, but I didn’t have a lot of expenses, so it was enough to get me through a little while until I could figure out how to make a living.
“Hey Rafe, what was your dog’s name?” Emma looked up at me from her chair where she had her pretend tea.
I didn’t talk about my dog because it brought back bad memories, the worst memories. That day I thought for sure Armageddon was upon us. How I survived, and so many others didn’t, including my dog, was still a question for me.
“Emma.” Summer’s soft voice broke in. I hadn’t told her about my dog, but I’m sure she sensed it wasn’t something I liked to talk about.
“Scout,” I said. “He was a German Shepherd.”
“Was he nice?”
I shrugged. Service dogs were loyal and smart, but they weren’t pets. “He was very brave. He saved my life.” I swallowed as images of that day flickered in my mind. I could feel tension build in my shoulders so I took a deep breath.
“Emma, I think Rafe needs more tea.”
I looked at Summer, who sent me an apologetic smile. I appreciated it, and yet I hated that I was powerless over my own mind and emotions sometimes. The kid was asking innocent questions about my dog. A dog that deserved a medal for his bravery. I should be telling everyone about him.
“Rafe? Can we go swimming in the river?” Emma pretended to pour me tea from her plastic pink teapot.
“Anytime you want.”
Her head jerked up to look at me. “Now?”
I looked at Summer. “You have to talk to your mom about when.”
Emma put her tea pot down and ran to Summer. “Mommy, please, please?”
I started to laugh until I heard a buzzing and chopping sound outside. Immediately, I went on high alert. My heart rate sped up and it felt like every hair on my body was standing up.
“Rafe?”
My gaze darted to Summer.
“You okay?”
The sound grew louder as if it was coming toward us. I knew that sound. It was the sound of death and destruction.
“That helicopter is probably the medevac.”
I nodded. I knew that, but my body, my experience, told me otherwise. Images of destruction flashed in my brain. The smell of diesel fuel and death filled my nostrils.
“Emma, why don’t you go upstairs and find Mr. Pig. I bet Rafe would like him.”
“What about swimming?”
“We’ll talk about that in a little bit. Go upstairs.”
God, please not now, not now. But the urge to duck under the table or to run coursed hot and fast through my blood. My breathing grew harsh, and the terror…the terror was debilitating.
“Rafe?”
Summer moved in front of me, looking into my eyes. “You’re safe here.”
Fucking, Jesus Christ. The buzzing and chopping grew louder. I covered my ears and squeezed my eyes shut. But with my eyes closed, the images were brighter and scents stronger.
“Rafe. Look at me. Stay here with me.”
“Fuck.” I opened my eyes.
“You’re okay. You’re safe.” Her voice was calm.
Finally, the sound of the helicopter dissipated, but my body was still on alert, ready to do whatever it needed to do to protect itself.
“Take some deep breaths. With me. In.” She inhaled deeply. “Out.” She exhaled.
She took a few breaths before I joined in. It seemed like forever, but finally, the panic subsided.
I dropped my head into my hands resting my elbows on my thighs. “Fuck.”
Summer’s hands gently touched my knees. “Do you want some water?”
I shook my head. Why had I been thinking that I belonged here? Summer and Emma didn’t need a broken man, a man who couldn’t handle the sound of a helicopter. A man who wouldn’t be able to take them to 4th of July picnics because the fireworks would trigger an episode.
I stood. “I should go.”
She rose and studied me, I supposed to determine if I was sane enough to drive. She nodded. “Okay.”
She followed me to the door.
I stopped as Emma appeared carrying a stuffed pig toy. I looked at Summer. “Maybe you could come swimming another time.”
Summer nodded. “We’ll look forward to that.”
I wanted to hug her and kiss her, just to have the contact; to tether myself to something strong. But with Emma there, I didn’t know if that would be okay. So instead, I turned and walked out Summer’s front door.
As I got in my car, I knew I’d take a swim when I got home, but then I would pack my things up and drive. I didn’t know where I’d go, but it was clear to me that coming home hadn’t been the answer either. The answer was probably to re-enlist.
I was following through on this plan, stuffing clothes into my duffle after diving in the river and then taking a shower, when my phone beeped. Looking at the notification, it was from Summer.
I opened the text.
Call me when you have a moment. If I don’t hear from you in 30 minutes, I’m coming over.
Fuck. I considered ignoring it, but that would be an asshole thing to do. She’d been supportive and helpful. Bailing on her would be disrespectful. So, I dialed her number.
“Rafe.”
“Yep.”
“Did you swim?”
“Yep.”
There was silence on the other end for a moment. “What are you thinking now?”
“You’re not my counselor anymore, remember.” I shouldn’t have been irked but I was.
“I’m asking as your friend who just happens to be a counselor.”
I pinched the bridge of my nose as I paced my room. “Summer, I’m no good here.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean I don’t fit here anymore. Fuck…I don’t fit anywhere.”
“If that’s true, then you might as well stay. Are you thinking of leaving?”
I didn’t answer, Summer being so smart, probably already knew the answer anyway.
“You don’t belong anywhere Rafe because you take the ghosts of war with you. I’m sorry if Emma brought—”
“It wasn’t Emma.”
“The point is, Rafe, you won’t belong anywhere because there’s no place that won’t have triggers. This feeling of imminent doom or always being on alert will stay with you. You have to learn to recognize it, avoid the triggers when possible, and more importantly, decide to live, not subsist.”
“I don’t know how to do that.”
“You do, a little bit, and the counseling will help. And here in Hope, you have people who will be there for you as well, which is something you won’t have if you leave.”
I couldn’t say anything. She was making good points, but I hated that she had to see me helpless to manage my own fucking brain. That her kid had to see it.
She said she was being a friend, but all I heard was the counselor part. I didn’t hear the voice of the woman who cried my name when I made her come last night. Even now, she didn’t say she’d be there for me, only that there were people in town who’d be there for me. I couldn’t blame her. I wouldn’t want her to have to deal with my baggage either, especially if I had a kid. No wonder she didn’t want to say anything to Gavin about us.
Five years ago, when I knew I’d be leaving and there was no future, it didn’t make sense to let him know about my relationship with Summer. But if I was going to stay, it would feel dishonest to the man, who, along with Summer, was trying to help me. But she didn’t want him to kno
w, which I supposed made sense. We were good in the sack together, but there was no future in that.
“Give it more time, Rafe.”
“I’ve gotta go.”
9
Summer
Watching Rafe with Emma was like a dream come true. For a moment, we were a family, even if I was the only one that knew it. I’d always known Rafe was a kind and gentle man, belying the dark, tough-man exterior. But I couldn’t have imagined just how gentle and sweet he’d be with her, wearing a pink cupcake apron and letting her put pink hair ties in his hair. I knew then I couldn’t wait any longer to tell him the truth and to hope that he’d want to consider making a family with us.
And then the helicopter flew over crushing all my hopes and dreams. It wasn’t so much that he had an episode, although his psychological health was still a concern. But even with his PTSD, he deserved to know he was Emma’s father. What really made me rethink telling him was his urge to leave. Rafe’s way of coping was to withdraw from his surroundings, but also to run. I couldn’t tell him about Emma only to have him abandon her like my mother had done to me, and his parents had done to him.
After my phone call with him, I wasn’t sure if he was saying he had to go to get off the phone, or he had to go and leave Hope. I wanted to go to him, but Emma was my first priority, so I called Gavin and asked him to check on Rafe.
Fortunately, Emma started interrupting me so I didn’t have to answer his question about how or why I knew Rafe had had an episode. That was a whole other can of worms I’d need to deal with. It didn’t seem necessary to tell Gavin about Rafe if Rafe was going to bail on us eventually anyway.
Because I spent most of my weekdays at work, I tried to spend as much time as I could with Emma during my off times, planning activities such as baking cookies or going to the river. She was disappointed that Rafe had to go and that there would be no trip to the river today. It broke my heart when she asked if it was her fault, and was another reminder of why I had to keep my secret a little longer.
I didn’t hear from Rafe that night or Sunday, although a text from Gavin indicated all was okay. I wondered what Rafe did over the weekend. Had he found any peace or was he still ruminating on whether to leave or not? Did he think of me and the night we shared? And did he think fondly of the time he spent with Emma?
Most importantly, would he follow through and call the counselor I’d referred him to? I’d been serious when I told Rafe that his first priority was his own mental health over having a relationship. I hoped he understood how important that was to his happiness and a future with any woman.
When I arrived at work that Monday, I wanted to look for him, but I didn’t want him to know that I was worried or was checking up on him, so instead I went to my office to start my day.
At about eleven, I was in the middle of writing notes on my last session when there was a knock on my door.
“Come in.”
The door opened, and Rafe’s head popped in. “Got a minute?”
My heart did a little twirl in my chest at the sight of him. He had followed through. I was ridiculously happy about that. It gave me hope that he’d take care of himself and maybe eventually be ready to be a family.
“Sure. Come in.” I stood and walked around my desk as he entered and shut the door. I thought I might have heard the click of the lock.
He walked toward me, stopping just in front of me. “I’m sorry about the other day.”
I shook my head. “Don’t be sorry, Rafe. I’m just sorry that you have to endure it.”
His jaw clenched. “I ruined Emma’s day.”
“No.” I pressed my palm to his cheek. “Emma was fine. Yes, she was disappointed that you left and we didn’t go to the river, but she got over it.” I looked into his dark eyes and realized he was carrying more than the ghosts of war, but also the feeling that he was a burden and a disappointment to others. “All she did was talk about how you two made cookies and played hair salon. She loved her time with you, Rafe.”
His lips twitched upward. “Who’d have thought a kid would like me?”
“Me.” I gave his head a little shake. “I’d have thought it. You’re a good man.” So why was I keeping his child from him? Guilt rose again.
“You make me feel good, Summer. I’m going to do this counseling you and Gavin keep yammering at me about, but I feel best when I’m with you.” He put his hands on my hips and leaned forward to kiss me. His lips were soft and gentle.
The woman in me liked his words telling me that I was soothing to his soul. I also liked the way his lips slid against mine.
The social worker in me warned me that this was wrong. Rafe had to learn to deal with his demons and find happiness on his own, not through someone else.
“I missed you,” he said as he trailed his kisses along my jaw. “After the other night, it didn’t feel right that you weren’t next to me in bed.”
“We have time.”
“Good, because I want you right now.” His hands drew up my dress skirt as he gently pushed me against my desk.
“I didn’t mean this moment. I meant in general.”
His fingers hooked in my panties, lowering them down my legs as his kisses skimmed over my collarbone. “Now, in general…I want you.” He dropped to his knees.
My brain told me to stop him. That this wasn’t the time or the place. I was at work for goodness sake. I didn’t have another client until after lunch, but still.
My body had other ideas. It heated and went soft. My pussy moistened and contracted, eager for his touch.
He kissed my inner thigh and then looked up at me. “I want you.” He repeated.
I nodded and ran my fingers through his hair. “I want you too.”
He smiled that devilishly handsome smile. And then he kissed my clit, making my whole body tremble.
He used his fingers to spread my pussy lips open. “So wet. I love how wet you get for me Summer.” He ran his tongue through my sensitive folds. “You taste so good. My favorite flavor.”
I gasped as his tongue penetrated me, laving my pussy walls. “Rafe.”
“I’m here, baby.” He wrapped his lips around my clit, sucked it hard and nearly sent me screaming in ecstasy. I bit my lip to keep from crying out. His tongue flicked my hard nub, slow and then fast, winding me up and up until I thought I’d burst into a million pieces.
“I love fucking you with my mouth, Summer. Do you like it?”
“Yes.” My word came out on a gasp.
“Tell me you like it.”
Oh god. It was too hard to form words with his tongue and mouth doing naughty, delicious things to my pussy.
I groaned. “I love how you fuck me with your mouth, Rafe. Oh, God…I need to come.” I felt like I was sprinting toward the finish line, reaching for that moment of victory.
“Give me your pussy juice, Summer.” Then he launched a full out assault on my pussy. His tongue, his lips and then his fingers, all working me until I saw stars and my orgasm shot through my system like fireworks.
He brought me down and then stood, kissing me and grinding his hips against mine. His erection was hard and full, and my pussy contracted again wanting that monster inside it.
“Only you, Summer, make me feel sane.”
As a woman who cared for this man, I wanted to give him my body if that’s what gave him peace, even for a moment. But again, my inner social worker reminded me that this wasn’t what would help in the long run.
“Sex isn’t therapy, Rafe. It shouldn’t be used as such.”
He cradled my face in his palms. “You’re not my counselor.”
“But you’re using it just like you use the river or running.”
“If that were true, then I’d have never fucked you five years ago.”
My brows furrowed.
“This …feeling that I have with you…it was there when you were eighteen and untouchable, and again when you were twenty one and seduced me on the riverbank.”
I quirked a brow. “Seduced you?”
He grinned. “That’s what it felt like. I couldn’t resist you, my sweet Summer.”
I pushed the social worker in me aside, as I thought I understood what he meant. There had been a pull to him that had been exciting but also fulfilling. As if he’d been completing something inside me. Is that what he was talking about?
“Tell me, Summer, have you ever been fucked on your desk?”
My blood turned to molten lava. “I can’t say that I have.”
His grin was wicked as he undid his belt and jeans.
10
Rafe
Summer seemed to have a problem with the idea that my being with her, touching her, was therapeutic. In my mind, who the fuck cared? Wasn’t the point of therapy to feel better? I felt better when I was with Summer. Not just touching her, although I couldn’t deny that I enjoyed that. But just being around her sweet smile and gentle ways, it was like a balm on my wounded soul. Being able to touch her, to fuck her…now, that added a whole new element. In a world in which I felt disconnected, when I was inside Summer, for those moments, I was part of something good. I felt I belonged.
But when she told me sex wasn’t therapy, it was clear she thought something was wrong with needing the connection to her. Fortunately, she seemed to accept my answer, which wasn’t a lie. There had always been something magnetic about Summer, even when she was a kid. Of course, I didn’t have any sexual feelings towards her at that time, but I remembered thinking how sweet she was. Gavin never wanted her to tag along, but I hadn’t minded.
Then, when I saw her when she was eighteen, I did notice the woman she was becoming, but I knew not to touch. She was my best friend’s sister. But a few years later, when she came to see me after my grandmother died, I needed her goodness. By then I knew what war really was. Adding that to the loss of my grandmother, the only person in the world I felt connected to, I’d needed someone. I’d needed Summer.
I had seriously considered leaving this weekend despite my need for her. Gavin had shown up and encouraged me to stay. I wondered if he’d have felt the same if he knew I was fucking his sister.
