by Katy Kaylee
“Penny, what happened?” he asked.
I told him everything. I told him about hooking up with Jax, our weekends away, and then I dropped my bombshell. His face paled, and he looked absolutely shell-shocked.
“Pregnant?” he repeated the word.
“Yes. It was an accident, but I don’t regret it,” I assured him.
“I don’t understand how you managed to get back together with him after what he did,” he said, running a hand through his hair, causing it to stand on end in places.
I sighed, sitting down on the couch. “I’ve never really stopped caring for him. I hated him, but I also cared for him. He told me he loved me, that he’d loved me for a long time. He says he spread the rumor because he didn’t want anyone else to be with me. I had told him it would only be a one-night thing. The funny thing is, I had told him that thinking that would convince him to be with me once and then he would fall in love with me and tell me he wanted to be with me for real. All the pieces were there, but it was a puzzle that never got put together.”
“Wow. I knew he had a thing for you, and I knew you had a crush on him, but I never thought anything about it. He’s older than you, and I just assumed both of you would go to college and find someone new,” he said.
I smiled. “I thought so too.”
“What are you going to do? I mean, with the baby and Jax. Where do the two of you stand?”
“I didn’t tell him I was pregnant. He found out and he’s hurt and angry that I kept it from him. I don’t think we stand anywhere. I think there’s too much between us. I’m on my own with this. I quit my job. I couldn’t face him,” I mumbled.
“What? Why would you quit?” he asked.
“I can’t see him every day. He wouldn’t want to see me either. That was made very clear. He walked out and I didn’t even try to stop him. He’s made no attempt to call me, and I haven’t called him. It’s over,” I said, fighting back the tears.
“Penny, you’re pregnant. You’re going to have a baby, and you need a roof over your head and a way to feed and clothe that baby. You need a job,” he pointed out.
“I’ll get one, but not with him.”
“Jax will help support the child.” Chance said it as a statement.
“I don’t know. He could walk away and never look back. He didn’t ask me if it was his, but maybe he isn’t sure.”
Chance shook his head. “I’ve known Jax for a long time. He isn’t going to walk out on his child. I may not like what he’s done in the past, but I do know that about him.”
“What do I do, Chance? Tell me what to do! I’m so lost and confused right now,” I whined.
“Do you love him?”
I let out a long sigh. “I do. I always have. Ever since he came over that first time, I had a crush on him. I know it was a schoolgirl crush, but it never went away. It only got stronger and stronger. He was the only one I ever imagined myself with. He has always been the only man in my life. Even when I hated him, I still thought about him. I wondered how he was doing and if he was okay. I followed him in the media. It made me feel like I was still part of his life, albeit from a safe distance.”
“If you want something, you have to fight for it. You know that. You had to fight to get into school and fight to get through everything. You’re a fighter, and I know you well enough to know that when you want something, you will move heaven and earth to get it. I don’t see you doing much of anything but whining about your situation. That tells me you don’t really want him. If you did, you’d be trying a lot harder.”
I scowled at him. “Chance Logan! How dare you say that! I’m hurting here.”
“And you need a little tough love. I’m telling you to pull on your big-girl panties and kick some ass. You are not the kind of girl who lets stuff happen. You make it happen, and when it doesn’t happen the way you want, you get out there and kick butt until it does,” he insisted.
I smiled, appreciating his little pep talk but not entirely convinced I believed in my capability as much as he did. “This is different. I can’t control how he feels.”
“You don’t have to control how he feels. You said he told you he loved you. When have you ever known Jax to express his feelings about anything?” he asked pointedly.
I thought about it and realized Jax had always been very reserved. He rarely spoke about anything real or how he felt, not even after his parents died. Not when his uncle beat the crap out of him or when he’d been left alone for weeks at a time. He bottled everything up and pretended to be fine. Chance and I had both known things did bother him, but we never made a big deal out of it.
“You’re right.”
“Of course I’m right, but more specifically, what part am I right about?” he asked with a grin.
I rolled my eyes. “You’re right, I am strong. I managed to get through that whole semester with the snickers and laughter as I walked by. I managed to hold my head high when someone graffitied the bathroom with a laundry list of my faults. You’re right that Jax is a closed book. He opened up to me, and I didn’t return the gesture. I let him pour out his heart and said nothing in return.”
Chance grimaced. “That had to have been a major blow for him.”
“I’m sure it was. It was never my intention. I was just so shocked by what he said. I didn’t know what to think about it all.”
“Now you’ve had some time to process it, where’s your head at?” he asked.
“I love him, Chance, I really do. Part of my hesitation with him is you,” I told him.
“Me? What the hell did I do?” he asked defensively.
I smiled, putting my hand on his forearm. “I know what it cost you that night. Jax was your best friend and your future business partner. Out of loyalty for me, you walked away from him. I know that was hard for you. When I started working for Jax and when things started to happen between us, I felt like I was betraying you. I don’t want to do anything that is going to cause you any more trouble.”
“Penny, you and Jax have a connection. I’m not going to stand in the way of that. If you two are sure you care about each other and you want to be together, I will be more than happy for the both of you. However, I’m not going to support an unhealthy relationship. This thing you’ve got going right now, it isn’t healthy. Figure it out,” he said firmly.
“Really? You would be okay with me and Jax dating?”
He scoffed, shaking his head. “I think the baby growing inside you goes beyond dating. That ship has sailed.”
I blushed a little. “True.”
“I’m here for you. No matter what you decide or how this thing works out, you know you can count on me to help you. I’ll be a babysitter, but I don’t do diapers.”
I laughed, slapping his shoulder. “Diapers are part of babysitting.”
“Then I guess I’ll just be emotional support.”
“Thank you. Thank you for always being the best big brother. You are always there for me.”
“You know I will be always be here. We’ve been through too much together for me to throw you to the wolves now. I feel like I’ve invested a lot of time and energy into you. I can’t walk away now.”
I burst into laughter, so happy to have him there and even happier that he could take such a lighthearted approach to what was anything but light. I knew with him by my side, I would be okay. Even if things with Jax and I completely fell apart, Chance was going to make a fabulous uncle.
31
Jax
“Goddammit.” I scowled at Carolina, who’d just come in my office to tell me my meeting had been changed to a later day. I was in a foul mood and not in the mood for much of anything, especially not a meeting being changed at the last minute. That really pissed me off. It pissed me off that people were unreliable and couldn’t be counted on to be honest. Technically, the latter part of that statement didn’t apply to the meeting change, but it applied to my current situation in general.
Carolina raised one finger, poi
nting it at me with her eyes narrowed. “Jax Michaels, I swear to god if you snap at me one more time or use that filthy mouth of yours to speak to me like that again, I will personally shove your tie down your throat and put my foot where the sun doesn’t shine. You have been a surly beast all week, and I am over it.”
I stared at her, not at all surprised by her outburst. I knew she could be fierce when she wanted to. It was one of the reasons I had hired her. I had witnessed her put her brother in check on more than one occasion and knew that while she looked sweet and innocent, she was a bit of a hellcat when pushed too far. I hadn’t really expected her to talk to me, her boss, that way, but I wasn’t shocked. I did respect her and felt a tad bit sorry for the way I’d been treating her.
“Sorry,” I muttered.
“You better be sorry. How long do you plan on moping around and biting people’s heads off?” she asked.
“I’m not,” I retorted.
“Oh, yes you are. Why don’t you pull your head out of your ass and go talk to the woman? Why make the rest of us suffer?”
“Carolina, back off and mind your own damn business,” I growled.
She was getting a little too close to a very touchy subject. I was sick of being told to go talk to Penny. They didn’t understand. They didn’t know it wasn’t that easy. I couldn’t waltz over to Penny’s place and demand she not hide the fact she was pregnant. The damage had been done, just like the damage that had been done when I’d run my mouth. It was too much, and no amount of duct tape in the world could fix it all.
“This is my business! Penny is or was my friend. You’re my friend. Both of you are in a bad place right now, and I don’t like it. It’s my business because I’m the one stuck dealing with your cranky ass every day, and I’ve about had enough of the tantrums. I’m telling you now: fix this.”
I rolled my eyes. “You sound like your brother. If it were that easy, there would be a lot more happy people in the world. I don’t know what kind of life experience the two of you have, but clearly everything has always come up roses for you. Not all of us are that lucky.”
“Bullshit. You know it hasn’t been roses for us. The difference is we’re not sitting around and sulking. Talk to her.”
I tossed my pen down and leaned back in my chair, glaring at Carolina. “She’s the one who should be chasing after me. She’s the one who kept a pretty big secret from me. For that matter, so did you. You knew at the same time she did from what I understand. You never said a word, so now that I think about it, I am pissed at you.”
She rolled her eyes. “Get over yourself. From what I understand, there’s a damn good reason she didn’t tell you.”
“Oh? What’s that?”
“I know you royally screwed up with her some time ago. I don’t know all the details, but I know you’re not so innocent.”
I shook my head. “What I did is not the same as what she did. She is pregnant with my child and never mentioned it. Was she ever planning on telling me?”
“I don’t know. I guess that’s a question for her. You have a big ego, Jax. If you want this woman to be a part of your life, you need to swallow some of that pride and make the first move. Whatever it is that you did to her way back when, it is still heavy on her mind. When she realized she was pregnant, she cried. I held her while she sobbed. She cried because she was terrified. She had to go through that all on her own because she didn’t feel she could lean on you. What you did made her feel that way. She didn’t trust you enough to tell you something that big because of what you did. That’s on you,” she said, pointing her finger at me.
“She could have told me. She should have told me,” I argued, knowing I sounded pitiful.
“I’m telling you what you should do is be there for her, no matter if she wants to be with you. You made a baby, and you damn well better own up to that responsibility. You can’t give her an ultimatum and demand she’s with you or she gets nothing at all. That isn’t right. She doesn’t have to choose one or the other. She needs support, not your anger.”
I hated that she was making sense. “I get it. Thanks for the lecture. I need to get back to work.”
“Don’t get snarky with me, young man. This is serious. Don’t come back here on Monday with that stick still up your ass.”
She turned and walked out, slamming the door behind her. I didn’t move from the chair. I mulled over what she had said. I knew she was right about a lot of it, but I did still feel like I had a reason to be upset and angry. Obviously, I would support my child, but I wanted the total package. I wanted Penny and our baby.
“Shit,” I muttered, realizing I hadn’t said a word to Penny about how I felt about the news she was pregnant. I had been so focused on the hurt and anger of her not telling me, I hadn’t even let myself think about the fact there was a little baby involved in the mix.
“Holy shit,” I breathed again. I was going to be a father.
Did I ask if she was going to keep the baby? I didn’t. I assumed, but I never asked her how she was feeling or where her thoughts were on the matter. Was she dealing with morning sickness? I remembered her looking a little pale, and on the flight back she had looked completely wiped out.
I felt like an asshole. I owed her the courtesy to check on her. I didn’t want to hold on to the anger any longer. It was burning a hole in my gut, and I didn’t like the way I was acting. When I stopped being angry, I felt fear. That feeling was far worse than the anger, which was why I had been holding on to it. I was terrified Penny had kept the baby news a secret because she was afraid to let me in the child’s life. I was afraid she thought I would be a horrible father and didn’t trust me to be around the baby.
I knew I could be a good dad. I hadn’t been a great teenager or started off great on the path to being a real man, but I had changed. I could be a great father. I would love my child unconditionally and provide everything a child could need or want. I had plenty of room in my heart to love a child. I wasn’t perfect and I would probably make a few mistakes, but I knew I would never hurt my child or Penny. I just had to find a way to make her understand that. I had to make her believe I was good for her.
I closed my eyes, trying to figure out how to do that. The wining and dining hadn’t worked. Pouring my heart out hadn’t worked. What else was there? I needed advice. I got up and walked out of my office, spotting Carolina through the glass walls as she walked toward the break room. That was why I liked the glass. I could see everyone. I didn’t have to walk around in circles looking for a person.
“I’m sorry,” I blurted out, walking into the break room.
Carolina was standing in front of the Keurig. She didn’t look at me but just nodded her head. “Apology accepted.”
“Tell me what to do,” I begged.
She slowly turned around, stirring the coffee in her hand. “I can’t tell you what to do.”
“I need help. I feel like everything I’ve tried to do to show her I wasn’t going to hurt her again is failing miserably. Every time I think I’m getting somewhere, she pulls back.”
“Jax, that’s part of the road to forgiveness. There are going to be hiccups along the way. You just have to keep trying. I don’t know Penny all that well, but she seems like a very genuine person. She strikes me as a person who likes to see action rather than hear pretty words. This isn’t going to be something you can fix overnight. It’s going to take dedication and hard work on both your parts. You each have a lot to forgive, and you each have to be willing to accept there will be rough patches. You have a baby that deserves to have a happy, loving parents. You can do this, Jax. I have no doubt in my mind you can make her see how much you love her. I can see it,” she said with a smile.
I sighed with disappointment. I wished there was a magic button I could push that fixed everything. There wasn’t. I was going to have to figure it out on my own.
“Thanks, I suppose, although I was hoping for a quick solution.”
“Sorry, no quick solutions
here.”
“You sound like your brother,” I grumbled.
She laughed. “In this case, I’m going to take that as a compliment, but never compare me to that butthead again.”
I headed back for my office, feeling marginally better but still having no idea what grand overture I could do to make her realize she wanted me. I knew I had to do something quick though before I lost her and my baby for good. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’d already called Chance to come and move her back home.
I groaned, rubbing my left temple with my fingertips. That was a whole other problem to deal with. The guy was going to want to kill me for knocking up his sister. I had no excuse for what I’d done. I was just going to have to suck it up and take the wrath. If she was my little sister, I would have felt the same way. With my mind made up to try one more time to convince her I was worth her time, I was able to focus on work. It was only a slight reprieve from my worry, but it was enough to allow me to work.
32
Penny
I was sitting in my favorite old chair, gently rocking back and forth as I read through the pages of the baby book I had picked up at a secondhand store. I was overwhelmed. I knew about the general stuff, but there was so much more to the pregnancy thing. I was really beginning to second-guess my decision to go through with it. The list of what to expect as far as changes to my body was mind-blowing. I assumed I’d gain a little weight, get some swollen ankles, and maybe have to pee a lot. I had no idea my body was going to be thoroughly possessed by the little nugget growing inside me. I felt like there should have been some negotiations. A discussion about what I was willing to give up or allow. Compromise. No wonder babies cried so much when they were born. They were the rulers of the roost in the womb, but when they came out, it was game on.
