Without Looking Back

by Tabitha Suzuma

  ‘No, come on, Katie, you’re distracting us,’ Louis said.

  ‘Oh please!’

  ‘She can stay, can’t she?’ Tess said to Louis. ‘Maybe she can give us some ideas.’

  Louis shot Millie a look but said nothing.

  ‘From the top?’ Tess suggested.

  Louis nodded.

  When they came to the new bit, Louis stopped, chewing on his thumbnail, thinking hard. Tess tried out some fresh moves. Millie stood up and did a twirl, her pink dress spinning out around her. ‘Why don’t you do this?’ she cried.

  Tess laughed. ‘Oh, look at her, Liam, she’s so sweet! She could be our lucky mascot or something!’

  Louis looked at his sister. And wondered why he suddenly hated her.

  On Saturday morning, Miss Kano was suitably impressed. ‘Wouldn’t have been my first choice of music but I really like what you’ve done with it so far. I think we should keep going with this. You’ve got an excellent introduction – now we need to start building it up a little.’

  ‘The cool stuff!’ Tess rubbed her hands together with a gleam in her eyes. ‘Spins and tumbling!’

  For the next hour and a half they worked on the middle section of the dance, linking step sequences to some of the bigger elements. By the time they got round to having a break, the windows had steamed up and Louis’ hair was plastered to the sides of his burning face. He glugged thirstily from his water bottle while Tess and Miss Kano discussed the subject of shoes – notably how to get around the problem of needing trainers for the tumbling and dance shoes for the step work.

  ‘We can incorporate it into our dance!’ Tess joked. ‘The changing-shoes scene!’

  Louis chuckled at the thought.

  ‘Seriously,’ Miss Kano said, ‘we need to get it right or one of you could end up with a broken toe. Let’s stay in trainers for the time being and I’ll have a scoot around the net tomorrow and see what I can come up with.’

  ‘She’s pretty decent, Miss Kano,’ Tess said as they sat on the wall in the heavy midday heat, waiting for Tess’s ride. ‘I’ve known her since I was six. She taught me ballet in the church hall. Then she started a modern-dance class, jazz and tap. She teaches them all herself.’

  ‘Why isn’t she a professional dancer?’ Louis asked. ‘She could be – she’s that good.’

  ‘She used to be,’ Tess replied. ‘She was in a couple of West End shows. But then she got married and moved up here. You’ve got to be in London to be a professional dancer.’

  ‘Oh,’ Louis said.

  ‘She calls me her borrowed daughter,’ Tess went on. ‘When I was little, she used to take me down to London in the school holidays to see the Royal Ballet— Hey!’ She broke off as Louis downed the remains of the Coke. ‘Have you finished it all, you greedy pig?’

  ‘It’s so hot,’ Louis said in his defence. ‘I’m dehydrated.’

  ‘Well, stop sweating all over me then,’ Tess retorted, shaking imaginary droplets off her arm. ‘God, it’s scorching. You know what I’d really love to do right now? Dive into Easedale Tarn, or Rydal Water, or Grasmere—’

  ‘Why don’t we then?’ Louis looked at her. ‘Me and my brother and sister swim in Easedale Tarn all the time.’

  ‘Now?’ Tess said.

  ‘Now,’ Louis replied.

  ‘But I don’t have my swimsuit.’

  Louis chewed his lower lip. ‘Now that could be a problem.’

  ‘Wait a minute,’ she said. ‘I’m so stupid! I’ve got my leotard on under my tracksuit. That’ll do!’

  As soon as Tess’s mum arrived, she was sent off again, muttering about being nothing more than a taxi service. The cycle home with Tess on the back was tougher this time, under the beat of the midday sun. When they reached the farmhouse, Louis felt ready to pass out, red blotches pulsating in front of his eyes. Dad gave them the usual lecture about not going out of their depth as Millie tried to persuade Max to let her bring Treasure along. Louis went to find Tess a towel. Then they set off, Millie riding on Max’s handlebars, Tess on the raised saddle of Millie’s bike.

  The water felt wonderful on Louis’ sun-scorched skin. He sank beneath the surface and felt the itchy, salty sweat melt away into the breathtakingly cold, clear water. They had started swimming in another lake now – it was a bit further from the farmhouse but more secluded from the holiday hikers, shut-off by towering mountains on every side. There was even a waterfall cascading down the side of the mountain and into the far end of the lake about half a mile away. Millie was climbing up onto Max’s shoulders and diving off. Tess was swimming a swift, elegant crawl, right out towards the island in the centre of the lake. Louis decided to follow her.

  It was a long way out, further than he’d first realized. At one point he thought of heading back, his arms and legs still aching after all the dancing and cycling. But then he forced himself to press on. If Tess could do it, why couldn’t he? About a hundred metres ahead of him, he saw with some relief that Tess was now wading through the water towards the grassy bank of the island. When he reached her, he was spent, his leg muscles trembling with exhaustion as he clambered over the sharp stones onto the muddy bank.

  Tess was lying back, breathing hard. Louis threw himself face down a little further away and for a while neither of them said anything, struggling to catch their breath. Then he raised his head from his arms and looked at her through the tall grass. She was still lying down. He could make out the water droplets glistening on her cheek. Her chest rose and fell rapidly. She had her eyes closed. Louis rolled onto his side and propped his head up against his hand.

  ‘Boo,’ he said.

  She didn’t jump. Instead she opened one eye and turned her head, squinting against the glare of the sun. ‘Is that you, Liam?’

  ‘Yes,’ Louis replied.

  There was a silence. Tess closed her eyes again. Louis waited. She didn’t move. Her breathing slowed. A drop of water ran down her cheek, pearling on her earlobe. ‘Your name isn’t really Liam, is it,’ she said.

  It wasn’t phrased as a question. A pounding began in his chest. A rushing in his ears. After a very long silence he managed, ‘What do you – what do you mean?’

  She opened her eyes. Turned her head to look at him through the grass. ‘Your name’s Louis, isn’t it?’

  Breathing hard, Louis sat up cross-legged. ‘I – I already told you. Liam is my name. Louis is my nickname.’

  ‘I don’t believe you,’ Tess said evenly. ‘No one has a completely separate name for a nickname. Louis is a French name, isn’t it? And you are from French-speaking New Caledonia – or did you lie about that too?’

  Silence. Louis felt as if his insides were trembling.

  ‘And I’ll bet your brother’s name isn’t really Josh. And your sister’s name isn’t really Katie. Neither of those names are French as far as I know. And you are French, I know that much, because of your accents.’

  ‘I’m not French – I mean, I am French,’ Louis stumbled. ‘I’m French-speaking, but I’m from New Caledonia.’ His head was spinning and he suddenly felt violently sick. Max, help!

  ‘Oh, I get it, you’re not even from New Caledonia.’ Tess sat up slowly, folding her long legs and resting her chin on her knees. ‘This is getting more and more interesting. Where are you from then?’

  Jesus, Louis thought desperately, have I given the whole game away?

  Tess narrowed her eyes at him. ‘Why are you looking so scared?’

  Louis swallowed, not trusting himself to speak.

  ‘I’m not trying to be horrid,’ Tess said. ‘I’m just curious. Why are you lying about your names and where you come from? Did your dad rob a bank or something? Are you in hiding?’

  More silence.

  Tess’s expression sobered even further. ‘Is it serious?’

  Louis looked down at the ground. It was an effort to breathe.

  ‘Louis . . .’ Sitting up, concerned now, she touched his arm.

  His head shot up. ‘Yo
u mustn’t tell anyone. You’ve got to absolutely promise not to tell anyone! Not Max, nor Dad, nor Millie. They’d go crazy if they thought you knew!’

  ‘Of course, Louis, I promise,’ Tess said. Her hand was still on his arm.

  Louis leaned forward and put his head in his hands. ‘Oh God, I can’t believe it’s coming out already. I can’t believe we only managed to last barely over a month—’

  ‘Hold on, hold on,’ Tess said reasonably. ‘Nobody else knows, I’m sure. If people thought you were hiding something, it would be all round the village, and nobody’s said a word. It’s only me who’s guessed. And that’s probably only because I’ve been spending so much time with you.’

  Louis ran his hands through his wet hair, trying to resist the urge to pull it out. ‘If you tell anyone . . .’ he began. ‘If you tell anyone, I mean anyone—’

  ‘What, you’ll come back and slit my throat?’ She started to laugh, then quickly disguised it with a cough. ‘No, seriously, I won’t tell anyone, Louis.’

  He took a deep breath, then exhaled and spoke very fast. ‘You’re right, my name is Louis. And Josh and Katie are really Max and Millie. We’re from Paris. And our dad is wanted by the French police for something called non-custodial child abduction.’

  Tess’s eyes widened. ‘Whoa. You mean your mum’s alive? Your dad kidnapped you from your mum?’ Her voice was incredulous.

  ‘Yeah, exactly.’

  ‘No way,’ she breathed. ‘How did he abduct you?’

  ‘He didn’t really. It’s just the term they use. We thought he was taking us on holiday. When we found out what had happened, he gave us the choice of going back. But as it meant choosing between staying here with Dad or going back to Paris and never seeing him again, we chose to stay here.’

  ‘But what about your mum?’ Tess looked aghast. ‘Don’t you miss her?’

  ‘Yes, of course, but she was never really around. She’s a broker in a big trading firm – she’s always worked long hours. When we were little, before we went to school, Dad was the one who gave up work and stayed home to look after us. It’s not that we don’t love our mother, we’ve just never been that close to her, that’s all.’

  ‘Christ!’ Tess exhaled slowly. ‘This is unbelievable!’

  They fell silent for a few moments and Tess chewed on a long shoot of grass, elbows on knees, staring out across the lake. Louis followed her gaze and suddenly they were both aware of Max and Millie, tiny specks on the other side, jumping up and down, shouting and waving.

  ‘Oh, no,’ Louis said, scrambling to his feet. ‘Millie’s probably getting cold and wants to go home . . .’

  They ran back into the water, gasping with the shock of the cold on their sun-dried skin. As they waded in, Louis suddenly stopped and grabbed Tess by the arm. ‘You really do promise—?’

  ‘I really do promise, Liam,’ she said, switching back to his fake name. ‘I like you, crazy dancer-boy. I’d never do anything to hurt you or your family.’ And she leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek before turning and diving back into the water.

  Chapter Ten

  THAT NIGHT, LOUIS couldn’t sleep. Long after Dad’s bedroom door clicked shut, he found himself still staring at the ceiling, his heart pounding. I could end this, he thought, right here, right now, with just one phone call. I could have the police here before morning, I could have Maman on the next plane out, I could be back at the Lycée, back in Paris, back with my friends in the blink of an eye. It is all so fragile, this new house, this new life. How easily I could crush it. And perhaps I have already taken the first step by telling Tess, by sharing our secret with someone from the outside world, someone I’ve only known a few weeks, someone I have no idea whether I can trust. So why did I do it? Because she guessed something was up, because she cornered me for answers – true, but that couldn’t have been the only reason. After all, I could have told her another story, made up another excuse for having to cover our tracks. But I told her the truth and, with that one conversation, risked everything! Yet strangely, all I felt was relief – relief at having shared this secret, relief at having told Tess something real about me and, for a moment at least, relief at having been able to be myself again.

  But as the days went by, Tess appeared true to her word. She never showed the slightest flicker of amusement when using their names. She stopped asking any questions about their previous life. And she only ever brought up the abduction when she and Louis were alone. Which was less and less frequently. Of course, there were the dance classes, but Miss Kano was present then, and they were having to work very hard to get the dance routine sorted out in time for the competition. Now that school was out, Tess baby-sat three days a week, and at the weekends helped her mother in the stationery shop they owned in Windermere. On her days off, however, she usually cycled round to the farmhouse. She came swimming with them, she made pancakes with them, she played Barbies with Millie in her bedroom and basketball with Max in the courtyard. But most of the time she practised dance moves with Louis outside to the beat of hip-hop on the new stereo Dad had finally got round to buying.

  Millie would appoint herself music-controller, for lack of anything better to do, and sat next to the stereo on the sill of the open kitchen window overlooking the garden, one hand on the pause button, the other round her Barbie’s hair. Louis and Tess shouted out ‘Stop’, ‘Go’ and ‘From the top’ at intervals, to which Millie responded eagerly, if not always very accurately. Now and again she hopped off the windowsill and down onto the grass, and suggested some dance moves of her own, which Louis would ignore and which Tess would make polite noises to. Max dribbled the ball up and down the courtyard and practised shooting into the basketball net Dad had erected above the door of the barn.

  Above them, the sun beat down from a cloudless sky. It was hot, really hot, the kind of dry heat that you can feel actually roasting your skin. Louis had stripped down to his vest and already his hair was damp against his forehead and his tracksuit bottoms stuck to the backs of his knees. Tess was wearing cut-off jeans and an oversized T-shirt that skimmed her thighs. They were practising the last part of their routine – now that the step sequences, spins and tumbling were out of the way, Miss Kano had asked them to come up with some good pas de deux moves.

  ‘I know,’ Tess was saying. ‘We can do that classic ballet pirouette where you put your hands on my waist and I turn four times and end in arabesque.’ She demonstrated.

  ‘So what do I do?’ Louis asked.

  ‘You have the easy part. You just put your hands on either side of my waist. Not too tightly, though, because you’ve got to give me room to turn.’

  They tried it. Halfway through the pirouette, Tess’s knee hit Louis’ leg. He stepped backwards, she lost her balance and they both ended up in a heap on the ground.

  ‘You should end it like that,’ Max said, bouncing the ball off Louis’ head as he lay prone, Tess sprawled on top of him. ‘That way you’ll definitely stand out.’

  Tess laughed, disentangling herself from Louis. ‘Sorry, sorry, let’s try again!’

  They got to their feet and resumed their position. ‘Five, six, seven, eight . . .’

  OK until the third turn. Then Tess lost her balance again and fell against Louis’ chest. He grabbed her and staggered backwards and she hung her arms round his neck.

  ‘Hopeless!’ Millie cried gleefully.

  ‘Sorry, sorry!’ Tess laughed into Louis’ T-shirt, her arms still around him, panting. She felt warm and her breath tickled his cheek. Her arms were brown from the sun, brushed with fine golden hairs.

  The third time they tried, they met with the same result. ‘You’re pulling me off-balance!’ Tess complained.

  Louis laughed and said something about her pirouettes making him dizzy. But for some reason he didn’t want them to get this move right. He really didn’t want the dance to end. It only took a small shift in balance for her to fall against him. He only had to pretend to get mixed up with a particula
r step sequence for her to instantly take his hand and, head lowered, staring at his feet, carefully map out the required movements with him. Dancing with Tess today was like having permanent butterflies in his stomach – he felt at once giddy, light-headed and extremely alive.

  Eventually, too hot and tired to continue, they returned to the relative cool of the kitchen and Louis set about making iced smoothies while Tess splashed her face with water at the sink. Millie was trying to do pirouettes round the kitchen table and Louis snapped at her in French to stop it, causing Tess to look up at him in surprise.

  ‘What?’

  ‘I’ve never heard you speak French before. That’s so cool. Sounds nothing like the French we learn at school.’

  Louis shrugged, embarrassed, and Millie piped up, ‘Moi, je parle français parfaitement!’

  Tess laughed in delight. ‘What does that mean?’

  ‘She said she speaks perfect French,’ Louis translated, frowning at Millie in annoyance. ‘She’s showing off, as usual.’

  ‘Oh, that’s so cool!’ Tess exclaimed. ‘Liam, you say something.’

  He took the ice cubes out of the freezer and poured out the drinks. ‘What?’ he asked, embarrassed.

  ‘I don’t know. Say something to me. Preferably something nice.’

  Louis pulled a face, his mind suddenly a blank. ‘T’es jolie’ – the words escaped him with a will of their own. ‘I mean – t’es gentille.’

  ‘What does that mean?’

  ‘You’re nice.’

  ‘No it doesn’t! No it doesn’t!’ Millie crowed. ‘He said t’es jolie, which means you’re pretty!’

  ‘Shut up, Katie! I said t’es gentille!’ Louis yelled, the blood hot in his face.

  ‘Liar! You said—’ But Tess cut her off, grabbing her by the hand and bending down to whisper something in her ear. Louis glared at them both suspiciously.

  Millie’s eyes widened and she began to grin, then she turned and whispered something in Tess’s ear.