There is a reason that making love should be saved for marriage. I am only sharing this because someone out there may make a life changing decision based on my experience. So, here’s my thoughts on why waiting is important…
At the end of our time together. I could never have imagined that I would ever love anyone on this planet more than I loved Ethan Parker, and I didn’t. God, I loved him! But, within one minute, lying there, in bed with Ethan still on me, holding me, I turned my head to the side so I was facing away from him. I pulled the pillow beside me over my face and I cried so hard I couldn’t even inhale. There was nothing in me but a grinding cry. I held the pillow tightly. I couldn’t let go. I even screamed very silently in anger and frustration.
I can’t even image what Ethan was thinking and I... didn’t... care! This was my life, my decision. I had broken my most beloved promise to myself and I felt destroyed.
Ethan kept repeating, “Evi, it’s okay. You’re okay.”
But I kept crying.
As I began to settle, he took the opportunity to take the pillow from me and throw it on the floor so I couldn’t get it. Then he threw the other pillow on the floor. Then, he pulled the sheet down to our waists so I couldn’t hide there either. He forced me to face him. I put my hand over my eyes and more tears fell. All I could think was, I can’t change this. I can’t go back. I can’t fix this. I can’t undo this. And then the dreaded, What if he leaves me? All of these words played over and over and over in my head and I thought, This is why you were supposed to wait! This is it. You cannot undo this. You can never go back!
However, Ethan was not going to let me do this to myself or to him, and he was certainly not going to let me destroy the moment that was ours to remember together forever. He gently clasped my wrist, pulling my hand from my face, and he pinned it down to the bed. He made me look at him.
“Evi, look at me. Look right at me. I told you to keep your eyes on mine.”
I opened my eyes and cautiously looked at him while I tried to inhale.
“You’re okay. I love you. I love you. I love you. You’re okay.” Then he kissed me, small little healing kisses.
I suddenly realized that I could be destroying him. Gasping for air and sniffling, I started kissing him back.
“Ethan, what have I done? What have I done?” I whispered in desperation.
“You made love to me Evi. This is forever. We are forever. This can never be changed, and I wouldn’t ever want it to be changed. Allow what we’ve done, what we are, to sink in. Understand it. Embrace it. It’s done.” He rested his head on my shoulder.
How does he always know the exact words to say to me? It felt like a weight the size of the moon had been lifted off of my stomach. I could breathe again. Then, the beauty of the moment set in and I felt so good about, not the realization that I hadn’t waited until I was married, but I had waited for him.
I looked at him and said in a quiet voice, “I guess you know just the right words to say to me because you’ve already been through this before.”
He lifted his head and looked at me with surprise. “I’ve never been through this Evi… with anyone… but you. Everything I say to you, is because I love you. This is about you and me. This has nothing to do with anyone else! You have to know that. You are truly my only one and always have been.”
I couldn’t believe it! I was so excited, so happy, so relieved. He’s all mine! I rolled onto his chest, my hair draping all over his face and I kissed him so passionately, a team of horses could not have pulled me away.
“I’m not okay Ethan, I’m good, really good. I love you too.”
We relaxed for a few minutes. We were still wrapped up together but I was facing away from him, looking out the window at the blue sky. I started thinking about cloud animals, about pizza, about finals, and about how dang hot and muggy it was in our room. The windows around there always have condensation on them, and it was so hot.
Ethan asked, “Do you want to shower?”
“Yes, but not with you,” I replied laughing.
“Okay, so do you want to shower alone then?”
“Yes, I do. I want to be alone. Then, I really want pizza. Then I want to dance.”
“Sounds good.”
While I went back to daydreaming and looking at the sky, Ethan got up and brought me my robe. I went into the bathroom and got in the shower. I tried not to think too much while in there. I was afraid I might begin crying again. This was a big day, no, this was a big moment.
Chapter 17
Pizza! A slice of heaven!
We chose a booth and sat on the same side together. Next to him, I felt like we were holding the most wonderful secret in the whole world. I was surprised that we were just talking and having a normal conversation after all we’d just experienced together. We talked about our routines, grades, classes, roommates, and friends. He took the opportunity to mention that he wouldn’t be able to visit in May since he had surprised me that weekend. I didn’t mind that at all.
During the entire conversation, I had a burning question for him that was sitting in the back of my mind. There was something I wanted to tell him, and it was serious. I was actually afraid of what he was going to think or say. Another reason people should wait until they are married to be intimate is… I blurted out my question, “Ethan, I’ve never had to think about what we just did. You know that. So, um, aren’t you concerned about me getting pregnant?”
You see, a married couple has adult conversations before they put themselves in those situations. We did not. I didn’t get pregnant that day, but there was a reason. That is not usually the case when people are as careless as we were with our emotions in that moment.
Ethan explained West Point’s rules on marriage and pregnancy. He was simply not allowed to parent a child. It was sad, but made perfect sense. I kept telling myself, he doesn’t really belong to you, and this is just one more reminder. He’s married to something else, not someone else, and he was certainly not married to me.
Then, I told him, “Ethan, I started taking birth control pills in August before I ever left Ponderosa. You don’t have to worry.”
He looked a little shocked and little irritated. He asked, “Why did you need to be on birth control pills Evi? And why didn’t you ever tell me before now?”
“My mom and I talked about things like boyfriends and schedules and just the whole convenience of it before I left home. We decided it would be a good idea. As far as not telling you about it before now, I’m not really sure why. I have kept it a secret from everyone. I guess I didn’t want to be judged.”
His demeanor became a bit possessive, “Well, I’m not sure how I feel about that. Shouldn’t we decide this together?”
“Ethan, it’s taken care of; we don’t even need to bring the topic up again. Would you rather us always be at risk of getting pregnant?”
“No! But, I don’t like knowing that you made a decision like that without me. This is our life now Evi. I want to be a part of the choices that affect both of us.”
“Ethan, I made the decision with my mother nine months ago!” I laughed, then added, “Look babe, it’s done. I was worried about how you’d feel when I told you. Somehow, I knew you were going to be upset. There were times over the past few months I debated not taking them anymore, but I changed my mind each time, and now, I am so glad I did. It has worked out perfectly. There’s no way I would ever let your career and all you are working so hard for be destroyed.”
I knew there was more he wanted to say, about it. I realized he felt out of control. Ethan is someone who is in charge of situations. He was uncomfortable with the news, but he let it go and I was glad. I leaned over to him, he pulled me and kissed me several times. Then he simply said, “Okay, okay.”
After that, the mood significantly lightened. We talked about June and made plans for our upcoming three weeks together. He knew the day he was going to be released for leave. I was going to be home two weeks before him so my sch
edule was irrelevant. We agreed he was going to tell his mom he’d be home on Saturday and offer no other details. She would want to get him from the airport, but he was going to tell her a friend was getting him. Mostly true. I would actually be picking him up from airport Friday afternoon. The airport’s two hours from where we live so we’d get a hotel room, see a movie, have dinner, then have a relaxing morning before our drive up in the mountains to Ponderosa.
My parents trusted me completely, so I’d just tell them I was going to get Ethan from the airport and I’d be home Saturday. We laughed about how simple that was going to be for me. The only person in my life I’d have to handle was Jarren. We agreed that Jarren wouldn’t judge me or Ethan, and he certainly wouldn’t spend a second thinking about what we might be doing. Then, we laughed again.
After our pizza, our planning, and our serious talk, we were done, and I was ready to go dancing. I had my boots on and I couldn’t wait to get moving. Even though I had just eaten a ton of pizza, I felt light as a feather and had the energy of a Jack Russell terrier in a wind tunnel with balls flying everywhere. I was so happy, and I knew Ethan sure was glad to see me happy after my meltdown a few hours earlier. We headed to The Venue to see if I was going to be able to get in.
On the way to the bar, we found ourselves face to face with Clark and his friends.
I greeted first. Casually but sweetly I said, “Hey Clark.”
“Hey Evi. Hey Ethan.” Clark replied clearly feeling betrayed.
“What’s up Clark,” Ethan added with caution.
I felt a need to explain myself, “Clark, Ethan and I went to high school together.”
“I get it,” he replied. Clark wasn’t afraid to look directly at me. He never took his eyes off of me. It felt like in his mind, I was still his. He stared at me as if Ethan wasn’t even there. He was the same confident guy I met on that street a few months earlier.
Then, time seemed to slow down. Clark reached for me, and just before he touched my hand, Ethan instinctively stepped in front of me. He very slightly shook his head at Clark. He was letting Clark know that I belonged with him.
I was surprised. Clark and I looked into each other’s eyes for an instant before I had to turn away. I was afraid he’d read my mind and know all of my secrets.
Clark wasn’t daunted though. He was angry, and before we walked away, he looked past Ethan and asked me, “So is Ethan one of the guys you said is just a friend Evi?” He stressed ‘friend’ like I had been lying to him.
Ethan looked at me. Clark’s tone irritated me but my expression to Ethan let him know I could handle the situation.
“Clark, please don’t do this. I don’t have to justify myself to you.”
“Then don’t Evi!” Ethan insisted.
I continued anyway, “If it makes you feel better Clark, Ethan is actually the brother of one of those guys with whom I am just friends.”
“Hmph,” was his only response.
I knew he was hurt, but I also knew he was done.
I carefully squeezed Ethan’s arm and pulled his hand to my stomach to let him know it was time to leave.
As we continued our walk, Ethan said to me, “You didn’t need to tell him anything Evi. Who I am to you is none of his business. Don’t you dare give him any power over you.”
I defended myself, “Ethan, it’s not what you think. He doesn’t have power over me. I was not going to let him make me look like a liar or a tramp.” That last word felt excruciating coming out of my mouth.
“How the hell does he know you spend the night at my house all winter anyway?”
“Well, he was pretty upset when I didn’t call him the entire week I was home for Spring Break. I told him I was never alone because I was with my friends the entire week. I have nothing to hide, so I told him Kieron, Brody and I always spend nights together and that even our parents and brothers know about it. I told Clark you are one of the brothers so he wouldn’t bother trying to turn you against me.”
“Okay first, some ex-boyfriend of yours could never turn me against you. I’m above that. And second, your Spring Break story sounds too weird even for me Evi. I think your days of sleeping with Kieron and Brody are officially over don’t you? Uh, it makes me sick to even put all of those words in one sentence. I guess I can see why Clark would have been angry about that.”
I covered my eyes with my free hand and laughed. Ethan and I looked at each other with facial expressions that just acknowledged he’s right and we smiled.
Ethan said, “I like that Clark just made my evening interesting. He kept me on my toes for a few seconds. I like him.”
I didn’t reply, I just thought about how I hated to see Clark hurt.
When we got to The Venue, a different guy was working the door, but he let me right in because he’d seen me there so many times. He assumed I was 21.
“Hi! I’m Evi! We’ve never met. What’s your name?” I asked.
“I’m Trever, nice to meet you Evi.”
“Yeah, you too. I’ll see you around Trever,” I said to him.
Ethan got carded, and we both giggled again like we had a secret.
“That guy wasn’t even interested in knowing my name,” Ethan said in a sarcastic voice.
“Well, just a hunch here babe, but I’m guessing that’s because he can tell you don’t live here. He’s never seen you around before. By this time of year, if you lived here and went to school here, he would have seen you hundreds of times. Don’t get your feelings hurt Ethan. You’ll be okay!” I said laughing and yelling in a condescending voice.
He rolled his eyes at me and took my hand like he wanted everyone to know I was his. We kissed several times as we worked our way through the crowd. I loved how he walked close behind me and guided me with his hands on my hips. Ethan kept his body pressed against mine, every now and again wrapping one of his arms all the way around my waist.
As we shuffled along, I spotted Byron. He was working inside, so I ran to give him a big hug and a kiss on the cheek as always. He asked me, “So, you’re with your new man tonight? You get everything worked out nicely? And please don’t give me details, because I don’t want to hear them, and I don’t care?”
I replied, “Yes, thanks to you! Good enough?”
Byron gave a simple, “Yep.”
I formally introduced him to Ethan, and we went dancing.
When we got back to the hotel that night, we showered, together this time. I was surprised at how easy it was to be natural with him. After showering, we went to bed. He rested on his back. I draped across him, and he wrapped his arms around me.
“I loved this day and this entire night with you Evi. Every minute, every word, everything we did together was perfect.”
“Me too Ethan,” I whispered.
“Evi?”
“Yes?”
“I even loved your reaction after we made love. You were so real. Thanks for not trying to hide your feelings from me.”
I buried my face in his chest and moaned in embarrassment, “Ethaaaan, don’t.”
“I loved it and I love you.” Then, “Evi?”
“Yes?”
“One more time before I leave tomorrow?”
I smiled and replied, “I’ll be here, and I don’t have any other plans.”
A small laugh from him, a kiss on top of my head, and he whispered, “Night Hun.”
“Night Ethan.”
We went straight to sleep. It had been the longest day of my life, and to that point, the best.
Chapter 18
During the next few weeks, Ethan and I didn’t talk much. I missed him desperately, but I needed to focus on school. Studying for finals kept us both distracted. In addition to finals, I had to pack my things in my dorm room and load them into my car. I was taking my car to my cousin’s house in Florida so I could leave it there for the summer. Then, I was flying back to Idaho from there. I had lots to do. Ethan and I had a lot of work to do before we went back to Ponderosa. Knowing we’d
be together soon was satisfying enough.
Jarren was home the first week that I arrived in Idaho. Our family went on a short camping trip, then we relaxed the remainder of that first week together. I told my parents and Jarren that Ethan had come to see me a couple of times in Charleston and that we were dating. I didn’t offer any other details. My mom’s input was that it was about time. My dad’s, “I really don’t want to hear about it.” And Jarren’s point of view was that he wondered if Ethan was ever going get the nerve to ask me out. I agreed with Jarren. I had wondered the same thing for years.
The second week I was in Ponderosa my schedule was full. One day, my mom and I traveled to Boise to shop. Several other days I spent time looking for a summer job. The remainder of the week I got to hang out at the beach and go hiking with Kieron and Brody. It was so nice and quiet in Ponderosa. I was realizing how much I missed my quiet, small town life. It was comforting to feel like my old self again.
Finally, the day came for Ethan to come home. I drove to the city to pick him up from the airport the last Friday in May. I arrived early so I could meet him as he exited the terminal. I wanted to take pictures of him for his mom. Since she wasn’t there, I wanted to be able to text her photos, the next day of course.
Ethan was in his uniform. As he came walking so confidently through the glass doors toward the waiting area, I almost fainted. I literally felt light headed. I had only seen him in uniform once and that was when he was leaving me. Being there in that moment was the first time I had the feeling of seeing him coming home to me! I put my phone in my back pocket, ran to him and threw my arms around him. I hated, for just a second that I had stolen that moment from his sweet mom. However, the pure elation of being in his arms made me forget all about anyone except him.
Ethan dropped his bags and picked me up in a big bear hug. We held each other and kissed. When he put me down, I told him I had to take pictures of him for his parents, so he graciously posed for me. Before we left the airport, we had a stranger take a few photos of us together.
Just for Now Page 14
