The third reason Ethan was so angry was because he was finally aware that Clark had told me about him leaving me twice that day he broke up with me. I’d known all along that Clark tried to get Ethan to go back to me that night, and Ethan turned away. I had had to live with that knowledge for the three years we had been apart.
“Why do you still have this Evi? Tell me!” he demanded.
“I didn’t realize it was here Ethan. Besides that, I never burned it because it was my only reminder of my time with you! That journal, our rings and our Bible were the only things I had to hold on to that gave me hope that you would keep your promise and come back to me. I couldn’t destroy it. I needed it for a long time so I could remember that you existed in my life. Then, as I got stronger, I packed it away and forgot about it while I moved a little each day towards a life without you. For eight years I have loved you. I’ve only spent one year with you. Do you have any idea how that feels for me? I have nothing but dreams of you! You’ll have to forgive me for holding on to one more thing that reminded me you actually exist, that you did actually love me. I just forgot about the journal after a while. I’m sorry it is upsetting you like this.”
“No Evi! This is not about me. This is about you and Clark! This is about him touching you. This is about your life with him! This is about you loving him! And you lived with him?! You moved in with him Evi, just three months after we broke up?! I trusted you!”
“You trusted me? What? You… left… me! I shouldn’t have to defend myself here, but just so you know, I only lived with him for a few weeks during a summer Ethan, and we had separate bedrooms. Nothing ever happened between us. I promise I have not lied to you about that. However, I’m not sure it’s any of your business anyway!”
“Well something did happened between you two! I never touched another woman Evi! I never even thought about another woman. I am married to you! I have been married to you for four years! This book doesn’t show that you felt the same way. When I left that night, I believed in you, you were mine! I told you our separation was only temporary! I trusted you to believe in me and wait for me! It took you thirty seconds to call another guy after I left!”
“No Ethan. You don’t get to lecture me. That book is about my feelings for you even though I was with Clark. And Ethan, again, you left me! Remember? I didn’t call any other guys. You left me!” I was now feeling dizzy and exhausted. I looked down at the floor.
Calmly I said, “Ethan, just give it here, I’ll get rid of it. Please stop. This is pointless. Arguing like this isn’t going to solve anything. It’s hurting me.”
Ethan wasn’t letting it go though. He was still so angry. He kept yelling at me while I begged him to give me the book. I continued trying to reassure him that the only reason I kept it was because I love him and only him. I was starting to weaken physically and emotionally. I didn’t know how much strength I had left in me. Yet, he seemed to be getting angrier.
A moment of silence came and as we stood still, I became completely aware that he was looking for a fight. He was mad at me. He really was. However, he was hurting and was more furious with himself, so furious that he couldn’t stand it. Ethan couldn’t fight himself, so he was going to fight me.
I deeply hoped his moment of silence had calmed him down. I was starting to ache and starting to feel sick again. I needed to rest.
Suddenly, he threw the book across the room and said the most hurtful thing I hope I ever hear come from him. “How’d you even get pregnant Evi? How do I even know this baby is mine?”
“Oh my God! What? What did you just say?” I said breathlessly as I looked at him in desperation.
He might as well have punched me. All of my air was sucked out of my body and I almost fainted. I grabbed a chair to steady myself, then I thought, boy did he just mess up!
I attacked him with every bit of remaining strength I had left in me. I screamed and beat on his chest and cried and pushed him.
“Don’t you ever talk about my daughter like that again Ethan! Don’t you ever try to hurt her or cheapen her again! She’s mine! If you want to leave us, then go! Go! But you will never hurt her! I’m used to you leaving me and hurting me, but you will never hurt her! We will be fine without you! Go find some other woman to play your stupid games with Ethan. You will not hurt us anymore!” I screamed at him until my throat hurt.
He grabbed me, put me in some sort of a hold and lowered me carefully to the floor so my forehead was pressed against the cool, hardwood. I knew he would never hurt me, and he was trying to protect me from harming our baby.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. God, I’m so sorry Evi.” He kept whispering it over and over almost like he was saying it to himself and to me.
He held me to the ground. I was trying to feel his hands so I knew my baby was okay and not being hurt. I relaxed a bit. I was hot again. I was so hot and sick. I was trying not to throw up. I needed air so I strained a hoarse gasp. Then, I relaxed more so he would release me. I mustered up the energy to speak.
“You’re a good soldier Ethan. You’ve been trained and you’ve done your job very well. You weakened me. You fought me, and you broke me. You have won. But you need to know, right now, that if you ever speak of my daughter like that again, I will kill you. She is mine, and I will die for her. Do you understand me?”
Ethan didn’t say anything. His head was resting on my back, and I felt him nod yes. I know he was trying to insult me. He was trying to hurt me. He never thought of his comment as an insult to our baby. He was playing a mind game with his comment, but I won that portion of the fight.
Exhausted, I crawled on my elbows out from under him. He let me go. When I got a few feet from him, I rested on the hard floor. As I was lying there, all I could think was, What just happened to my marriage?
Ethan was beside me sitting on the backs of his heels, watching me with his hands on his thighs. He was looking down at me there with my cheek resting on the cool floor. I knew he was afraid to speak. He offered me his hand. Before I took it, I said to him, “You’re supposed to take care of us. You can’t use our baby as one of your weapons. She is not a weapon. You are good dad. You don’t have to protect yourself against me. I have always loved you.”
He nodded at me with tears in his eyes. I don’t think he even understood what he was feeling that afternoon.
With his help, I slowly raised to my feet. I stood in front of him hoping he would hold me, kiss me and walk me to our bed so I could rest for a while. Not sure I could hold myself up any longer, I gripped his shirt into my fists and looked up into his eyes wanting his help. His attention was across the room on the journal. He was still angry. I couldn’t believe it, and I didn’t think I could take any more.
Ethan separated from me, walked over to the journal, grabbed it, and took something out of a drawer in the kitchen. He then walked back over to me.
“Ethan please, please let me rest,” I begged.
“One more thing Evi. Just one more, I promise. I’m sorry. I love you, but this ends right now. Just one more thing.”
He stroked my hair and held my chin with his hand. He kissed me so sweetly for a few seconds. Then, he gently rubbed my stomach and said, “I love you so much.”
He held onto my hand so I couldn’t pull away and he led me out our back door.
I insisted, “Ethan, I need to rest.” I twisted my wrist from his grip and jerked back from him. “I can’t walk Ethan!”
He turned, picked me up, and carried me down our steps and over to his parents’ fire pit. He placed me on the ground and said, “One more minute Evi.” I was too weak, so I had to sit on the lawn as he knelt down and lit the book on fire.
“Someday, we are going to talk about this Evi.”
“Fine Ethan. I have nothing to hide. I really forgot this book even existed.”
The sulfur of the lit match and the smoke plumes instantly made me nauseous. I knew I wanted and needed to sleep, but the lake was calling me. I hadn’t been down to the
beach in such a long time. My hope was that the cool sand and breeze would ease my sickness. I got up and walked away from him. If that book burning was so interesting to him, he could watch it as long as he wanted, by himself. I was done. I wanted my feet in the water. Lake Everclear always revived me, healed me, comforted me.
I walked back to our yard to the steps so I could go to the water. After going down a few steps, I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I bent down on my hands and knees to throw up to the side of the staircase. I was curled up on the boards crying and throwing up again and again. In my mind, I knew I needed to call Ethan to help me get to bed, but I couldn’t stop heaving. I felt my adrenaline rush coming, and I got light headed.
The last thing I remember of that day is my left hand slipping off of the board on which I was kneeling.
I screamed Ethan’s name as loud as I could.
Chapter 25
A hospital, I awoke in a hospital room and I didn’t see anyone around me. I looked at the ceiling and the machines beside me, and I tried to remember what had happened. As my memory returned, I felt my abdomen reaching for my baby. I placed both hands over my face and cried a harsh and exhausting cry. I wasn’t pregnant anymore. I wanted my daughter more than I had ever wanted anyone. I became her mother the moment I found out I was having a baby. I felt lost. I didn’t want family. I didn’t want Ethan. I wanted Brighton.
I was glad to be there alone.
I closed my eyes and tried to stop crying. I tried to just go back to sleep. My head hurt My body hurt. My heart hurt. I wanted to undo everything that had happened to bring me to that moment, and I wanted to undo ever knowing Ethan even existed in my life.
I was certain someone would be coming into my room soon. It wasn’t possible that a nurse, or my mother, or Ethan wasn’t nearby. I tried so hard to go back to sleep so I wouldn’t have talk to anyone, but I just couldn’t.
There was no clock that I could see, not that I cared about the time anyway, but without one, I wasn’t sure how long I had been awake before Ethan did return. He walked into the room quietly. As he entered and looked at me, I was staring blankly at him. I was trying to decide if I was angry with him, still madly in love with him, or if I had lost all emotion in our relationship. If I would have opened my mouth, I would have cried.
Ethan rushed to my side and sat on the edge of my bed. He stroked my hair. He kissed me again and again, then he lay across me and cried.
I had spent eight years wanting him, loving him, forgiving him, waiting for him. Those years were flashing through my mind. What was I going to do? Did I want a marriage that only existed in our private world? Were we really just pretending? I should walk away?
“I asked your mom and dad to sign your care over to me. I wanted to be the only one with you when you woke up. You’ve been unconscious for two days. I heard you scream and I ran to you, but you had already fallen down the stairs. I carried you and held you the whole way to the hospital. You never opened your eyes. I begged your mom to please release you to me. You’re mine. You always have been. I hope you always will be Evi.”
“Where’s my baby Ethan? When did I lose Brighton?”
“Evi, we lost her almost right away. You were too far along for her to be protected in the fall. Your family was here, that was when I insisted that you are my family and I should have the rights to your care.”
“When can I go home?”
“I’m sure the doctor will want you to stay at least another couple of days. You have a severe concussion, and a lot of scrapes and bruises, but no broken bones.”
Lying there, I processed everything he had said. When I asked him about going home, I actually wasn’t sure which home I wanted to return to.
He said, “You’re going to be okay. You’re going to recover.”
“You’re wrong. I’m not going to be okay. And even though I may recover, my daughter has died Ethan.”
He was speechless. There was no way to comfort me.
“Will you call my family and update them? I still don’t want to talk to anyone or see anyone. I want to go back to sleep. Will you be staying with me?” The thought that crossed my mind when I asked that question was will you be staying with me forever, not just for the day or night. I was still afraid deep down that he was going to be leaving me again.
“I’m not leaving without you Evi, not today, not ever. As soon as you’re well enough, you’re going with me.”
“I need to sleep.” I turned over and tears fell.
When I awoke later that evening, I was ready to eat and more ready to talk. I felt like I needed to explain some things to Ethan that he didn’t know about and things he seemed to misunderstand. I also wanted to tell him these things, because I was hoping I would have a clearer understanding of how I was feeling about him now.
“Will you please get me something to eat?” I asked.
“Of course,” he replied anxiously.
I added coldly, “Then, I think we should actually discuss what has happened and what’s going to happen with us.”
“Evi, we don’t need to talk about anything right now. Everything can wait until we get home, or we can just work through this together day by day. We have forever, I hope.”
“No, I want to work this out now. You’ve shut me down before when I wanted to explain myself to you and you’re not going to ignore me this time. Maybe we wouldn’t even be here right now if you would just let me be honest with you. Instead you turn away and get so angry over nothing! You will sit here, and you will listen to me. Now!”
“Okay babe. I’m here. Tell me everything you want to tell me. I’m ready.”
I began.
“You know Clark and I started dating again after you left me, but we didn’t start dating until July when I moved back to South Carolina and in with him. Yes, I moved in with him. It was a difficult decision to make but you left me! You married me, and within a year, you left me.”
“The journal you found was mine and you should have never read it. It was not meant for you and I think you know that. It was my private way of remembering you. I needed it. I loved you for almost four years while you were with someone else. Then you came for me. You made love to me. You married me. You gave up on me. You have no idea how deeply you hurt me Ethan.”
I wiped my tears and took a breath before continuing.
“At first, I wrote about missing you. In July when Clark came to Ponderosa, all I could think was that he never gives up on me. He never leaves me. He comes for me over and over. So, I went with him. We got back together. Then, I wrote about my time with Clark.
“You have to know though, I never got over you Ethan. Everything you read about Clark, every moment I wrote about, I was with him, but thinking about you. But Clark knew that.
“Then, one day before we broke up, in an attempt to keep me and hopefully make me get over you for good, Clark told me his side of the story about the night you left.
“You remember quite well, that you took me to our favorite hotel room, you sat me down, you refused to look at me, and you very coldly broke up with me. Then you just left me there alone. Perhaps in your mind, you were coming back, but you should have never broken up with me. You should have married me right after graduation. I would have missed you, and prayed for you, and loved you as your wife. Instead I did all those things as the ex-girlfriend you didn’t care enough about to even continue dating while you were deployed.
“Well, here’s the part I didn’t know at the time, you didn’t leave the hotel. You went and sat in the stairwell because you wanted to make sure I was going to be okay. I wasn’t okay though, so I texted my best friend to come stay with me and Clark arrived.
“Clark knocked and rushed in as soon as I opened it. You heard and saw everything. You sat there in the hallway listening to me cry, listening to him comfort me. You heard everything. My worst moment, up until this one, you sat off to the side and let someone else take care of me. I still don’t know how you could do that.”
Desperate, he interrupted, “Evi, please. Let me try to explain.”
“I’m not done Ethan! You don’t get to speak yet.”
I went on, “After Clark held me and calmed me down, I needed to rest. He took the key from the dresser and went to the stairwell to get ice. You were sitting there. He told you to go back to my room and fix what you had done, but you refused. You refused, and for the second time that night, you left me. You didn’t love me enough to go back for me.
“After Clark told me that, I thought back to the way he was acting that evening when I got out of the shower and it all made a lot more sense. I thought he was disappointed in me, and he probably was, but he was more disappointed in you. I had to sit through that night not only in compete pain that you left me, but also in humiliation knowing how much I had hurt him!
“Clark let your words haunt him Ethan. He came here to Ponderosa to get me and take me back to live with him. He couldn’t bear to be apart from me. He was never going to let me forget how much he loved me. I believed for a long time that perhaps Clark was the one I was supposed to be with, but I never could stop thinking about you. Clark knew I would always belong to you. I always had and maybe I always will.”
“Maybe Evi?”
“There’s one more thing you need to know about Ethan.”
“Okay. What is it?” he whispered, clearly feeling out of control.
“You have hurt me. At sixteen I had to learn from my brother that the man I planned on marrying went back to his ex-girlfriend. Then that man finally came for me, made love to me, said he was going to marry me, then broke up with me. The man I planned on spending my life with didn’t even invite me to his graduation. He moved half way across the world without calling me, ever. Oh, when he did come back to me, he got me pregnant, and is sitting with me while I go through losing my daughter. And through all of this, the only thing you’ve ever apologized for is leaving me in that hotel room alone three years ago.”
Just for Now Page 21
