by Lola Gabriel
I don’t think Fabian believed her, at least not until he came into my room and saw the blood. I was covered in it and the bed was covered in it. It had dripped down onto the floor, and in some places, it was even up the walls. I saw the light go out in his eyes and I knew he believed it then.
Polly left the castle, taking my baby with her. I never even got to see my baby’s face. I had no idea if I had had a girl or a boy. I felt like I had had a stillbirth, I really did. But I kept reminding myself that I had done the right thing, given my baby the only chance it had of living any sort of a normal life.
Polly had agreed to leave the town, to move away and raise the child as her own. And that had to be enough for me. It was hard, though. On that first night, I just cried and cried and cried. I was inconsolable.
And from there, it only got worse. Now I was useless to Fabian. He never wanted a mate, a wife. He wanted a baby machine and I could no longer produce children for him. He threw me into this dank and dreary room at the top of the castle and this is where I remain. It’s where I fear I will always remain. Fabian’s guards bring me food and drinks and some days, I’m even brought a bowl of warm water to wash with.
I can feel the dark depression looming over my mind, and I know that’s only going to get worse. I feel like this will be my last journal entry. I have nothing more to say. What is there to report when you’re locked in a tiny room, forgotten by the world? I debated writing a fictional account of my child’s life, giving them a personality, achievements. Talking about their first steps, their first day at school, but the idea is too depressing. I just can’t bring myself to think about my child, except to hope that Polly is a good mom to him or her. I think she will be. And that has to be enough for me, but it’s not.
I should really destroy this journal. If Fabian were to ever find it, then he would know that his child is out there somewhere and he wouldn’t rest until he found him or her. To what end, I don’t know, but nothing good could come of it. I know that much.
Maybe one day I will find the strength to do it, but for now, I just can’t. Even though I don’t think I will want to write in it again, just knowing that I can is pretty much the only thing keeping me marginally sane. Fabian has no interest in my journal. He has no interest in me and he’s hardly going to want to read my ramblings.
I guess I will just have to hope it stays that way.
1
2014
Laila Kent felt as though her heart was breaking. Like it was literally being ripped in two. She had heard people talking about being heartbroken before, but she had never expected it to feel this way. Not like a literal physical pain in her chest. She had always imagined it to be more of a strong emotion than a physical ache. She now knew it was both.
She stumbled through the front door of her home, moving through the light and airy hallway and into the living room. Her mom looked up as she came into the room. Laila let go then. She couldn’t hold the pain inside of herself any longer. The drive home from the hospital had been hard enough, and now that she was home and safe with her mom, the pain burst out of her.
Her body began to shake as sobs wracked her. Her mom jumped to her feet, abandoning the book she had been reading. She wrapped Laila in her arms, holding her tightly and stroking her hair.
“Shh. It’s okay,” she whispered over and over again. “Everything is going to be okay.”
Laila wanted to tell her she was wrong. It wasn’t okay and it never would be okay ever again, but she couldn’t talk around her sobs. Her anguish had moved from her heart to her throat, blocking her airways, leaving her gasping and unable to speak.
She didn’t know how long she had stood there in her mom’s arms, sobbing her heart out, but it felt like a long time. Finally, her sobs trailed off to hiccupping sniffles that left her feeling cold despite the sun streaming in the window. Now that she was a little bit calmer, her mom released her from her tight embrace. She wrapped her arm around Laila’s waist and led her to the couch where she gently pushed her down. She sat down beside Laila and took one of Laila’s hands in both of hers.
“What happened, love?” she asked quietly.
Laila shook her head. She didn’t want to say it out loud. She felt as though giving voice to what she had found out would make it more real. She knew she had to say something, though. Her mom was peering at her with such concern. She took a deep breath and blurted it out.
“I… I had some tests done at the hospital. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to worry you. But I got the results today. Mom, I can’t have children,” Laila said.
She felt the tears bubbling over again. She let them come, powerless to stop them. She was a little surprised to learn that she could still cry. She had thought her tears were all used up.
“Oh Laila, I’m so sorry, love,” her mom said, pulling her in for another hug.
Laila allowed herself to be held, needing the comfort only her mom could bring her. After a few minutes, her mom pulled back from her, wiping the tears from her cheeks.
“Listen, love, I know this feels like the end of the world, but you’re so young…”
“I’m eighteen, Mom, and I know what I want,” Laila said. “Or should I say what I wanted. I wanted kids. Lots of them.”
Laila had wanted a big family for as long as she could remember. While the other children at school played at being brides, Laila played at being a mom to a hundred children. In high school, when she heard about Miley Lang getting pregnant at sixteen, she didn’t pity the girl; she envied her.
Laila’s period had never come in. She remembered being fifteen and being the only girl left in her friends’ group that hadn’t had a period yet. She had talked to her mom about it, and her mom reassured her, telling her that some girls started their period later than others. After that, each time she had brought it up, her mom had given her the same old story, but Laila had known something was wrong with her. She didn’t know how she knew, she just felt it in the pit of her stomach, and so she had made this appointment.
She hadn’t expected this, though. She had expected it to be something the doctors could fix. But nothing could fix this. She was broken in the worst possible way. She would never have the big family she had imagined, never have a tiny child look up at her with a gummy grin and say mama for the first time.
“You still have options, Lails,” her mom said. “You can adopt children. There are so many children who need good homes.”
“I know,” Laila sniffled.
It didn’t really make her feel better, though. She ached to have her own baby. To feel it moving around inside of her, to give birth and hold her baby for the first time.
“Besides,” her mom went on, “you don’t need to be worrying about this now. You’re starting college in September and you’re still young. Enjoy life and worry about this once you’re older and settled down.”
Laila nodded her head, but she didn’t think it would be that simple. This wasn’t something she could put on the back burner, a problem for another day. She didn’t want to worry her mom, though, and she could see by her mom’s expression that she was close to tears herself.
Laila gave a big sniff and then she managed to give her mom a watery smile.
“I know you’re right, Mom. I just need some time to get my head around it all,” she said. “I’m going to go up to my room for a bit if that’s okay.”
“Okay, love. Dinner’s almost done, though,” her mom said.
Laila shook her head.
“I’m not hungry. You have yours and just keep mine. I’ll heat it up later.”
They both knew that wasn’t going to happen, but Laila’s mom knew better than to push the matter. She could see how upset Laila was and she only hoped that she would manage to get her head around this and accept it.
Laila got up and went up to her room. She pulled the duvet back and, getting beneath it, she lay with her face in her pillow, crying and crying. The pillow was soaked through with tears, but Laila did
n’t feel the dampness against her skin. She didn’t feel anything but broken, numb.
She cried herself to sleep that night and for several nights after it.
2
2019
Laila moaned as her cell phone rang, pulling her out of a dream where she was a mom, holding her baby on her hip as she walked her older daughter to school for her first day there. Laila dreamed some variation of that dream every night. Every morning, she woke up and remembered that it would never happen for her, and for a moment, she felt her world crashing down around her, but then she took a deep breath, swallowed down the feeling, and faced the day.
She groped around on the floor for her cell phone and brought it up to her ear.
“Hello?” she said, her voice thick with sleep.
“Laila, hi. It’s Cassie Braham,” a chirpy female voice said. “Is this a bad time?”
Laila sat up quickly, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. She moved the cell phone from her face for a moment and cleared her throat. Her stomach fluttered with butterflies and she crossed her fingers tightly. She brought the cell phone back to her ear.
“No, not at all. How are you?” she said.
“I’m fine, thank you,” Cassie replied. “I am just calling to let you know you got the job.”
Laila resisted the urge to scream in delight, and instead, she thanked Cassie in what she hoped was the right balance of professional and enthusiastic. This wasn’t just any old job. This was Laila’s dream job. She had always wanted to teach and although her mom had gently tried to talk her out of the idea when she found out Laila couldn’t have children, worrying it might be too upsetting for her to be around children all of the time, she wouldn’t be dissuaded. She had explained to her mom that being around children helped her cope with the idea that she could never have her own.
While being a teacher was a long way from being a mom, it felt good to Laila to be around kids and to be able to help nurture them and shape them for their futures. And now she had gotten the call she had been waiting for. The call to tell her it was happening.
The job with Cassie would mean moving away from Summerhaven, her hometown, and going all the way to the tiny town of Greer, but it wasn’t that far away—it was still in Arizona, and besides, Laila would have moved to Mars if it meant she got to be a teacher. She was already picturing her first class, the eager little faces turned up to hers. And this job had an advantage over some of the others she had applied for all over the country. It came with a fully furnished house. Cassie had described the house as small but tasteful and that solved a huge problem for Laila.
“There’s just one problem,” Cassie said, pulling Laila out of her head and making her feel panicked.
Was Cassie going to say she couldn’t start for the next three years or something? Was she dangling the dream in front of her and then cruelly snatching it back? No, Laila told herself. She wouldn’t do that. Not only would it be cruel, it would be wholly unprofessional too. It’s my references, Laila thought to herself. I knew Mrs. Barnes from my school placement didn’t like me. She’s sent a bad reference and I’ll need a different one. She began searching her mind for someone else she could use instead. Maybe Violet across the street—she had babysat for her for years and her kids loved her.
“Laila? Are you still there?” Cassie asked.
“Yes. Yes, I’m still here. Sorry,” Laila said. “Is it my references?”
“No. Your references were excellent,” Cassie said. Laila could hear the smile in her voice as she said it. “The problem isn’t with you, it’s with the actual position. Miss Leve was supposed to be seeing the school year out and you were to start in September as we discussed. Unfortunately, Miss Leve’s mother has taken a turn for the worse and she has to leave us a bit earlier than expected. I know it’s short notice, but is there any chance you could start on Monday?”
“This Monday?” Laila asked.
It was Saturday now. Could she get across the state and be ready to start work in just two days?
“Yes,” Cassie said. “I know it’s terribly inconvenient, and if you can’t, I will understand and try to see the year out, but…”
“I can do it,” Laila interrupted her.
She wasn’t willing to risk Cassie bringing in a supply teacher and then deciding she had gotten to know the ropes and keeping her on, taking Laila’s dream job away from her.
“You can? Oh Laila, that’s fantastic,” Cassie said. “I’ll send you over an email with directions to the town and your new address and the school’s address. You can pick your door key up from the post office—I’ll send you that address too. Normally I would try and meet a new teacher before their first day to go over everything, but you’re going to have enough to fit in, exploring the town and finding your feet, so how about we meet at the school at eight on Monday morning?”
“Yes, that’s perfect, thank you again,” Laila said.
“Oh God, no, Laila, thank you. You’ve really saved me on this one,” Cassie said. “So I’ll see you Monday, and if you need anything else in the meantime, don’t hesitate to give me a call.”
“I will, thanks,” Laila said.
They said their goodbyes and Laila ended the call. She lay back down for a moment and squeezed her eyes tightly shut, punching the air in delight. She didn’t stay there for long. She had a ton of packing to do.
“Mom!” Laila shouted as she ran down the stairs.
She could hear her mom bustling about in the kitchen, but she appeared in the hallway when she heard Laila’s excited cry. Laila jumped down the last three stairs and took her mom’s hand, dancing her around the hallway. Her mom laughed and let herself be twirled.
“What’s going on?” she laughed.
“I got a job. As a teacher,” Laila squealed.
“Oh, that’s fantastic news, love,” her mom said, pulling her in for a hug. “Where at?”
“The Greer Primary School,” Laila said. “It’s… Mom? What is it?”
Some of the excitement had gone from her mom’s face and she looked a little worried. Laila frowned, needing to know what was wrong.
“You said Greer, right? It’s a bit of a trek, that’s all,” her mom said.
Laila smiled and shook her head.
“It’s not that far. It’s only across the state. And you always knew it was a fair possibility that I’d have to move away,” she said.
“I know. But Greer? Isn’t it a tiny little town? You’ll hate it there, Laila. Surely there are other options,” her mom reasoned. “I think you should keep looking.”
“Maybe there are other options, but none I can start at on Monday,” Laila said.
“This Monday? It’s too soon, Laila. You’ll need time to get prepared and…”
“Mom, I’ve made my mind up about this,” Laila interrupted her, some of the excitement leaving her. “I know it’s sudden, but can’t you just be happy for me?”
Her mom shook her head slightly, like she was shaking away her doubts. She beamed at Laila.
“Of course I can,” she smiled.
Now it was her turn to twirl Laila around. Laila laughed in delight.
“Right. Enough dancing,” her mom said after another moment. “Let’s have some breakfast and then get to work on packing your things. Do you have somewhere to stay?”
Laila followed her mom through to the kitchen, explaining excitedly about the furnished house that came with the job.
3
Laila had been to the post office and had collected her house key. She had dragged her bags inside and unpacked her clothes, her books, her toiletries, and her computer. Cassie had been right about her new house. It was small, but it was most definitely tasteful. It consisted of a tiny entryway which had two doors and stairs leading off it.
One of the doors led to a small living room decorated in terracotta with a cream couch and a matching cream beanbag. The glass coffee table finished the seating area off nicely and Laila had arranged her coffee table books on
it. The TV wasn’t massive, but Laila thought it would be fine for her needs. She generally preferred to read than watch TV anyway. Maybe having such a small TV would break her habit of watching cringe-worthy reality TV shows.
She had filled the mantelpiece above the fire with her ornaments and she had put a few of her favorite books on the shelf above it. The window in the living room was a good size, overlooking her little garden, and it let plenty of light into the room.
The kitchen was tiny but practical, containing everything she needed a kitchen to have, including a small table and two chairs, and the little laundry room would be more than enough for her needs. Upstairs, she found a bedroom decorated in cream with accents of purple. It was just big enough for the double bed, a wardrobe, a chest of drawers, and a little bedside cabinet that held an ornate purple lamp.
There was a bathroom with a shower, a sink, and a toilet. No bath. Laila would have liked a bath, but not having one was a small sacrifice to be here ready to start her career as a teacher. The other bedroom wasn’t even big enough to be described as a bedroom. There just wouldn’t be any space to move if there was a bed in the room.
At the moment, the room was unfurnished, clearly left to be used for storage, and Laila had brought the thick of her books into this room, standing them in neat piles on the ground. Once she got settled in, she would find out from Cassie who owned the house and seek permission to install floor-to-ceiling shelves in the room to hold her things.
Overall, Laila was happy with the house, but she had been here only two or three hours and she was getting restless. She decided to go for a walk around Greer to explore the town and buy a few essentials. She was confident the town wouldn’t have a large grocery store and she planned on driving to the nearest city on the weekend and stocking up on grocery items, but she needed enough things to see her through the week.
