by Linda Green
‘I thought you were just getting some bits of shopping in.’
I shake my head.
‘I were buying vodka. I had a bottle of it in my hand when the robbers came in. I were going to go back to my flat and use it to wash down some of our Terry’s old antipsychosis tablets. I had them out on table waiting for me. I thought he’d be better off without me, see. Thought I’d messed up so badly, that were best way out.
‘I kept hearing me mam’s voice taunting me, see. Saying it were my fault Terry had been hurt when he were a kid, when actually she’d been blind drunk and that’s how he’d ended up being scalded. I’d blamed mesen for it for all those years and I’d worked out that Terry would be better off without me.
‘Only I were there when your wife gave her life to save your son. And I held your son when he were crying his heart out because he’d lost person he loved most in world, and that’s when I knew I couldn’t do that to our Terry.’
Martin reaches out his hand across the table to take my shaking one.
‘I’m sorry,’ he says. ‘I had no idea.’
‘When police dropped me off back home in early hours, those tablets were still on table. I put them straight in bin. I lay on bed for a bit, trying to work out what to do. Landlord were coming to evict me later that day but I knew I had to hang on in there, for Terry’s sake.’
‘So that’s how you ended up in the hostel,’ says Martin.
‘Yeah. Sometimes you have to grab on to nearest tree branch when you fall, even if it’s a very low one. And I had three people not to let down after that night. Terry and Finn and Hannah.’
Martin nods as his eyes cloud with tears.
‘Do you think Finn’s going to be OK?’ he asks.
‘Yeah, I hope so. He’ll find trial hard, mind.’
‘I know,’ says Martin. ‘I’m going to try to get him some more counselling. I think he’ll need it.’
‘What about you?’ I ask. ‘Perhaps you could do with some too.’
‘Maybe. I feel so guilty being alive,’ he says. ‘Finn loved her so much more than me and she was so much better than me in every way.’
‘Then honour her memory,’ I say. ‘And show Finn how much you loved her by doing what she would have done.’
I go to my bag, get out the computer printout the librarian ran off for me and put it on the table in front of Martin.
‘He needs you now,’ I say. ‘And he loves you way more than you realise.’
*
Doctor Khalil smiles at me as I pass him in the corridor.
‘He’s had his bag packed since seven o’clock this morning,’ he says.
‘It’ll be right nice,’ I say. ‘Three nights at home together.’
‘Have you got anything planned?’
‘Just telly tonight. He’s still catching up with his old videos. And we’re going to a friend’s house tomorrow for tea.’
‘That’ll be good for him.’
‘Yeah,’ I say. ‘I think he’s looking forward to it. Someone I’ve been wanting him to meet for ages.’
‘Well, if all goes well, he can go home for good next Friday.’
‘Thanks,’ I say. ‘For everything, I mean.’
*
We stand on the doorstep outside Finn’s house, Terry with a bottle of wine in his hand. He bought it himself out of his benefit money. We had no idea what to get, of course. Had to ask the chappie in Lidl.
Martin opens the door.
‘Hello,’ says Terry, holding out the bottle, ‘this is for you. To say thank you for tribunal, like.’
Martin takes it.
‘Thank you,’ he says. ‘That’s very kind. I’m just glad I could help. Your sister’s done so much for our family.’
‘Aye, she’s good, our Kaz. Not a bad old stick for her age.’
‘Cheeky sod,’ I say, giving him a dig with my elbow.
‘Anyway, come through,’ says Martin. ‘Finn’s in the garden. There’s something he wants to show you.’
We follow Martin through the house and out into the back garden.
‘Hello Kaz,’ Finn says, running up to give me a hug. He turns to Terry, ‘Hello Our Terry, I’m glad you’re feeling better now and I’m glad Kaz got you some new school shoes when the kids at school were mean to you. They’re mean to me too sometimes, so I know what it’s like.’
Terry smiles at him and nods. I always knew they’d understand each other if they ever got to meet. I’m just so bloody glad they did. Finn turns back to face me.
‘Come and see what we’ve got,’ he continues. ‘It’s not as big as the one at Castle Howard but it’s solar-powered, and Mum would have liked that and it’s got LED lights that go different colours, so I can see it from my room at night.’
He grabs my hand and pulls me towards a small stone fountain. The word ‘Mum’ is written in little stones around the bottom.
‘It’s beautiful,’ I say, ‘what a lovely way to remember her.’
‘Yes, Alan always does something to remember people that have been lost when he does Love Your Garden. A little quiet spot, he calls it. And I’ve got something to tell you,’ says Finn. He runs back into the kitchen and comes back clutching the computer printout I gave Martin. ‘I’ve got a new school. We went yesterday to have a look around. It’s in Hebden Bridge and it’s not like a normal school, it’s only small and you don’t have to wear uniform or play rugby and I can grow my hair back like it was before. They do lots of things outside in the woods and they have a beehive and there’s a boy there who knows Lottie and I think Mum would like it because it’s not like a normal school, it’s weird, like me, but good weird.’
‘That’s fantastic,’ I say, looking up at Martin and giving him a wink. ‘That sounds just like your sort of school.’
‘It is,’ says Martin, ‘but they only open four days a week, which leaves Monday free. What we’re looking for, is someone to help Finn with gardening club on a Monday. If you know anyone who’s free . . .’
‘Will you, will you, will you!’ screams Finn, jumping up and down. I nod.
‘I’d be delighted to.’
Finn launches himself at me.
‘Thank you,’ he says, giving me a huge hug.
‘That’s fantastic,’ says Martin. ‘Normal rates will apply and if you could start on Monday, that would be great. And if you would ever like to come too, Terry, you’re very welcome.’
‘I might just do that,’ says Terry. ‘Doctor said it would be good for me to get outside a bit more.’
‘There you go then,’ says Martin.
‘And you can bring Barry too sometimes,’ Finn says. ‘If he’s your boyfriend now.’
‘Cheeky monkey,’ I say, unable to contain my laughter. ‘You don’t have boyfriends at my age.’
‘But you are going out with him next week,’ says Terry.
‘Only because it’s his birthday and he were going to be on his own. I thought it would be nice for him to have some company.’
They are all looking at me. I expect they have noticed the colour in my cheeks.
‘I’m sure it will be,’ says Martin. ‘And just so you know, he’s also welcome here anytime.’
‘I think I’ll call him Barry-not-Kaz’s-boyfriend, from now on,’ says Finn.
‘And you, young man, had better start behaving yoursen. Else I’ll be calling you Finn-the-cheeky-monkey.’
He laughs. We all do. It feels good.
‘Would you like me to show you around the garden, Terry?’ asks Finn. ‘We used Alan Titchmarsh’s “Create Your Dream Garden in Just 4 Weeks”, because that’s all we thought we had, but we can do more to it now. I’ve got some ideas already. You can come up to my room and meet Alan Titchmarsh later, if you like. He’s only cardboard, not the real one, but he’s very good. My best friend Lottie got him for me. And if
we go down here,’ he says, steering Terry towards the bottom of the garden, ‘I’ll show you the Alan Titchmarsh rose Kaz got me for my birthday.’
I turn to Martin and smile. ‘Don’t worry,’ I say, ‘Terry’ll get his own back when you come to our place and he makes you watch Stars In Your Eyes videos all night.’
‘I’m quite looking forward to it,’ says Martin.
‘So am I,’ I reply.
‘Thank you,’ says Martin, holding up the piece of paper that Finn has given back to him. ‘I never even knew it existed.’
‘The librarian said they’ve only just started taking older kids. They’d been in to use the library a couple of times. That’s how she knew about it when I asked.’
‘They can still do their exams, too,’ says Martin. ‘But they just do things their own way. Finn’s way. Hannah would have loved it.’
‘Good,’ I say. ‘Because we both owed her big time.’
I look up as I hear strange noises coming from the bottom of the garden and see Finn flapping his arms around.
‘What’s he doing?’ I ask.
Martin smiles. It’s a moment before he seems able to answer. ‘He’s showing Terry the crazy chicken dance.’
Enjoyed this book? Why not try another of Linda's thrilling works, The Last Thing She Told Me, available to buy here.
Author’s Note
This is my tenth novel and is therefore a bit special to me. I’ve always wanted to write a novel from the point of view of a child; some of my favourite novels (To Kill a Mockingbird, The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas, The Lovely Bones, Room, Life of Pi) are told though the eyes of a child. I think we have much to learn from children and so often the innocence and simplicity with which they see things, helps to illuminate complex issues.
As the mother of a son, one of my biggest concerns is the way boys are increasingly being pressurised to conform to an ever-narrowing gender stereotype which restricts their emotional development, their future ambitions and their ability to simply be themselves. My own son has managed to stay true to himself in the face of hurtful comments and bullying (the worst of which occurred when he was just eight years old), but so many children, particularly those without parental support, end up conforming to the ‘norm’ simply as a survival strategy. The fact that so many children continue to be bullied at school and many do not receive the support they should is a national scandal.
In Finn, I wanted to create a character who was having a tough time at home and school to see how he would cope when the world was particularly cruel to him (although I love him to bits and hated doing it to him!). At a time of crisis, Finn needed a friend and in Kaz, I like to think he found one of the best.
I have also wanted to tell the story of someone like Kaz for a long time. Too often the voices of marginalised people in our society are not heard in fiction. The inequalities in our country have deepened over the last ten years and the poorest and most vulnerable people in our society have had to bear the brunt of swinging cuts and austerity. People suffering with mental health issues have been particularly badly hit. The voices of people like Kaz and her brother Terry deserve to be heard. I wish that I could say their experiences are not typical. Sadly, many of the cases I read about during my research were far worse than theirs.
I’ll be making donations from the royalties of this book to the mental health charity Mind www.mind.org.uk; the Anti-Bullying Alliance www.anti-bullyingalliance.org.uk, and the Trussell Trust www.trusselltrust.org who run many of the UK’s foodbanks. If you’re able to make a donation too, however small, I’d be hugely grateful. Thank you.
Acknowledgements
While writing a novel is a largely solitary pursuit, there is a huge support team who help along the way. Therefore, I give thanks to the following people: My three editors; Emily Yau, for being there at the beginning and letting me write something ‘a bit different’, Cassie Browne, who took up the baton and offered much support (and huge patience), and Emma Capron, who doubled-up for the last leg and cheered me across the finishing line. Your top editorial skills and feedback are much appreciated. Everyone at Quercus, especially Milly Reid, Laura McKerrell, Hannah Robinson and Bethan Ferguson, for their hard work and tireless championing of my books; my agent, Anthony Goff, whose expertise, advice and support continue to be invaluable, and all at David Higham Associates, particularly the translation rights team who ensure my books find new readers across the globe.
Jacqui Lewis for her copy-editing skills and Lisa Brewster for the fantastic cover design; my website designer Lance Little; Rebecca Bradley for her police fact-checking service and all those who helped me with questions about the benefits system and mental health.
A number of charities/rights organisations were also invaluable for research purposes, especially Mind, John Pring’s Disability News Service, the Mental Health Foundation, Rethink Mental Illness, Disability Rights UK, Mental Health and Money Advice, Young Minds, Anti-Bullying Alliance and Citizen’s Advice. Nathan Filer’s book The Heartland was also extremely helpful.
Thanks to my family and friends for their ongoing support, to my husband Ian, who didn’t charge me for his excellent book trailer, despite winning the UK Videographer of the Year Award, and to my amazing son Rohan, who has taught me so much about the strength it takes for a boy to be different in the face of bullying and abuse and who I am so proud to see growing into such a wonderful young man.
Thanks, as always, to the fantastic booksellers out there, especially the excellent independent bookshops The Book Case in Hebden Bridge, The Book Corner in Halifax and The Grove Bookshop in Ilkley, who are so supportive of my work. And to the librarians, bookbloggers, book clubs and fellow authors for sharing the book love and helping to spread the word.
And finally, to my readers, for buying, borrowing, recommending and reviewing. I know I say it every time, but the messages and feedback you send me really are the best part of being an author. I hope you enjoy this book too and please do get in touch via Twitter @lindagreenisms, Facebook: Author Linda Green and my website www.linda-green.com. I look forward to hearing from you!
Reading Group Guide
1)How did you respond to the story being told in the Before and After sections?
2)The bullying Finn suffered at school highlighted how hard it can be for children who are perceived as ‘different’. What did you think of the way the adults in the story responded to this?
3)What were your first impressions of Kaz and how did they change as the novel progressed?
4)Terry had a very different childhood to Finn’s, but they also have lots in common. How did the author explore the similarities and differences between them?
5)How do you feel Finn’s relationships with his mother and father were developed during the novel?
6)Did you find yourself siding with either of Finn’s parents? How do you feel the author tackled the issue of the difficulties of being a good parent?
7)Finn and Kaz have an unusual friendship. In what ways did they help each other as their friendship deepened?
8)How do you feel Hannah would have responded to what happened to Finn in the ‘After’ sections of the novel?
9)Kaz’s role as a carer to Terry has shaped her life. Do you feel it will continue to do so in the same way?
10)Has the novel changed how you feel about the way the most vulnerable people in our society are treated?
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