‘They don’t have to work like we do,’ she groaned.
‘Promise me we’ll come here again. We deserve to have some playtime, too. I’m tired of being the workaholic who never takes leave.’
Lizzie did spin in his arms then, turning slowly and linking her hands behind his neck. ‘Forgive me if I’m a total cow to you tomorrow. It’s not in my nature to ever say yes, sir to a man.’
His laughter was deep and throaty. ‘I don’t ever, ever expect you to say yes, sir to me, Lizzie. I’d think you were unwell if you didn’t argue with me every step of the way.’
She leaned into him, indulging in him one last time before clasping her fingers around his. Then they went back to their picnic and collected their things; he bundled the blanket under his arm and gathered everything else into the large paper bags, while Lizzie picked up the champagne bottle and glasses.
It was funny how things could change, although she expected that once they were back in their usual roles, on base again, he’d return to scowling at her and she’d be calling him out over every order and fuming at his superiority.
She smiled to herself as he opened the door for her. Or maybe she’d act like a grown-up and stop giving the poor man such a hard time.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
ENGLAND, CHRISTMAS 1942
MAY
‘I thought I’d find you here,’ Ben said, sitting down in the chair on the other side of her desk.
May looked up, papers spread around her, her head a jumble of thoughts. She’d been working long hours and staying clear of Ben, hiding from him and her grief at the same time, but seeing him now, it hurt. She’d missed him so much and all she wanted to do was collapse into his arms and let him pick up the pieces. But she couldn’t.
‘Sorry, I’ve had so much to do and . . .’
‘I’m not one of your pilots, May,’ he said, shuffling the chair closer. ‘I can see your lies a mile off.’
She was about to tell him she wasn’t lying, but his look told her he wouldn’t believe her for a second.
‘I thought you were going home for Christmas?’ she asked. ‘Don’t you need to leave soon?’
‘I am and I do,’ he said. ‘So unless you want me to disappoint my little sister, you’d better hurry and get your bag packed.’
She stared back at him. ‘Excuse me?’
‘You heard me. You’re coming with me. And before you tell me you don’t have leave, it’s already arranged. Captain MacMillan agrees that you need time off after what happened, and my family would love you to join us.’
Her face flushed and she shook her head. ‘No, absolutely not. And how dare you go behind my back and—’
Ben rose, palms planted on her desk. ‘Don’t you dare pull rank with me or order me around,’ he said. ‘Polly died on your watch, May, and it wasn’t fair, but it also wasn’t your fault. Now get your things together, and I’ll either take you home to your family, or home with me to mine. Your choice.’
No. There was no way she could go home, to her mother waiting for her, to her father’s sad gaze as he contemplated Christmas without his son. She took a deep, shuddering breath. ‘Why are you doing this to me?’ she asked, fighting tears.
Ben came around to her, dropping to his knees beside her chair and looking straight into her eyes, his fingers curling beneath her chin. ‘Because I love you, May,’ he whispered. ‘And because you’re hurting. You need someone to look after you.’
May crumbled then, the façade she’d been so carefully holding in place falling away. She clung on to Ben, sobbing, wishing that she were stronger, that she could have pushed him away, but she couldn’t. She was broken and he could see it.
‘You’re certain I can come?’ she asked, suddenly not wanting to be left alone.
‘I am,’ he said, dropping a kiss on her hair. ‘Tidy up whatever you’re working on, and we’ll leave in an hour.’
He left her to it, and May sat, dead still, trying to breathe. And when the door shut behind him, she slowly reached for her top right drawer, pulling it open. She placed a hand inside, touching the unopened letters from her mother, imagining what they said, knowing how badly her mother must be missing her and how cruel she’d been to block her out for so long.
May took the top one from the pile and stared at her mother’s familiar handwriting, the deep curve of the letters taking her back to when she’d sat beside her at her desk, years ago, trying desperately to make her writing look as elegant.
I wish I could come home, she sobbed silently, bravely sliding her nail along the seal and taking the letter out, reading her mother’s words for the first time in more than a year.
Darling May,
Father and I are so proud of you. It would have been Johnny’s birthday today, and not a day goes by that we don’t miss him. Please, come home. We need to see you, we need to know that you don’t somehow blame yourself.
We love you, May.
She threw the letter back in the drawer and slammed it shut, sliding her hand in an angry sweep across her desk and sending her paperwork flying. Why? Why did she have to lose Johnny? Why did she have to lose Polly? Why had they both been taken, and for what?
May wiped her eyes and stood, running from her desk and heading for her quarters to get her things. Ben was right, she needed to get away, and she needed him to look after her.
‘Ben!’ she screamed, frantically searching for him. ‘Ben!’
There was hardly anyone left on base; some women were flying, some were home on leave, and others were already at their billeted homes.
Her head felt ready to explode as arms finally encircled her, holding her tight. Ben eased her around to face him, never letting her go, and she cried against him, soaking his jacket.
‘Take me home with you,’ she sobbed. ‘Please, just get me out of here.’
Ben’s arm scooped her close, holding her upright as he walked her away. Away from the one place where she’d thought she could hide from her pain.
May sat at the table hours later, her face freshly scrubbed and her hair washed. Ben’s mother had taken one look at her and shooed her upstairs to their little bathroom, washing her hair for her over the basin, laying fresh clothes out on a little bed in the attic and telling her to take a nice long nap before supper. The combination of sleep and feeling so clean, with the smell of lavender in her hair, was exactly what she’d needed.
Ben smiled at her as his mother ladled food onto their plates. He’d known to bring her home, known that it would pull her back from the darkness, and he’d been right. Since Polly’s death, she’d spent her days arguing with anyone who’d listen about their lack of control in the air, the fact that their pilots should be trained with instruments and be able to use radios in emergencies, but it had fallen on deaf ears and left her even more disillusioned, more heartbroken, with each passing hour.
‘Does she actually fly the planes, not just work on the engines?’
May grinned as Ben’s littlest sister appeared at the table, her hair pulled up into two pigtails, a sprinkle of freckles across her nose; she was as cute as a button.
‘That’s right,’ May said, gesturing her to come sit beside her.
‘You don’t have to indulge her,’ Ben’s mother said. ‘My other girls would never have asked so many questions when they were her age.’
From the way she had treated May, taking her into her arms and knowing exactly what she needed, it was obvious she was the mother of daughters, and May had all the time in the world for her little girl.
‘Your brother does all the work to make sure the planes are safe and running properly, and then I fly them to where they need to go. We make a good team.’
Violet looked confused. ‘But you’re a girl.’
May laughed. ‘I am. Girls can do anything, you know. Even fly huge warplanes.’
May thanked Ben’s mother for a beautiful meal, then they all joined hands as they bent their heads in prayer. Violet’s hand was tiny and warm in May�
��s, and she sighed as she inhaled the smell of chicken and vegetables in front of her.
‘Thank you, Lord, for the food in front of us. Thank you for bringing us together, and for the time to rest. And most of all, thank you for those we love.’
As Ben slowly released his grip, May caught his eye, keeping hold for a second longer.
‘Thank you,’ she whispered, blinking away tears. She’d needed this more than she could ever have realised.
‘Benny, are you in love with her?’ Violet blurted. ‘She’s so pretty and you’re looking at her all funny.’
‘That’s enough, young lady!’ his mother scolded.
May looked around at Violet giggling at her brother, at Ben’s mother reprimanding her daughter, at his father eating his food, and smiled. She only wished Ben’s other sisters had been there so she could have met them.
‘You’d be a brilliant pilot when you grow up, you know,’ May said, nudging Violet and receiving an excited grin in return. ‘We need plucky girls like you who aren’t afraid to stand up to big boys like Ben.’
Violet stuck her little chest out. ‘When can I start flying then?’
That made them all laugh, but Ben’s mother wagged her finger. ‘Not until you’ve finished your dinner, young lady!’
It wasn’t until later that night, after helping his mother clean up and standing side by side washing dishes with her in the kitchen, that May had any time alone with Ben. She was sitting on the end of her bed when he came in, just as the dark thoughts were starting to creep back into her head, as she wondered how she’d sleep without falling into the nightmares that plagued her every single time she shut her eyes.
‘Afraid of going to sleep?’ he asked.
She nodded, and he reached down to hold the covers back, gesturing for her to climb under. Ben tucked her up and then lay behind her, on top of the covers, his big body warm against her as he spooned her.
‘You can’t stay in here. What if you mother sees? Or Violet?’ she whispered.
Ben held her even tighter. ‘The door’s open, we have nothing to hide. There’s nothing wrong with me holding you like this, May, nothing at all.’
‘Your family is so lovely,’ she said, her voice cracking.
Ben was silent, his breath warm against the back of her neck.
‘Ben, being here tonight, seeing your parents, I . . .’ Her voice was no more than a whisper now. ‘I need you to take me home.’
He kissed her hair. ‘I thought you were never going to ask.’
The next day, May waved goodbye to Violet from the car, grinning at the little girl jumping up and down on the veranda.
‘She’s going to hate me for taking you away so quickly,’ she said.
‘Hate you? She’s already told me that she wants to be just like you when she grows up.’
May laughed, the darkness that had plagued her for so long making way for something warmer and lighter.
‘When we get there, I want you to just go,’ she told him. ‘Come back to Violet and your family and leave me.’
‘You’re certain?’
She nodded. ‘This is something I need to do alone.’ All this time, pushing away her feelings, ignoring her mother and trying to stay in her own cocoon and protect herself from hurt and love, meant it was something she needed to find her own way through. All the same, without Ben’s strength, she’d have been lost. She leaned over and kissed his cheek. ‘Thank you.’
They travelled in silence for the hour-long drive. When they pulled up outside, her house looked the same but different; and as she stepped out and stared at their wooden house and the little garden out front, a flutter of snow touched her cheek.
She turned to see Ben standing behind her and she opened her arms, standing on tiptoe to kiss him.
‘Go home before the snow settles,’ she said. ‘I’ll see you back at base in a few days’ time.’
Ben held her and kissed her one more time before finally letting her go. May turned to face the house, taking a deep breath and starting to walk, then run.
‘Mama!’ she called, as she pushed the front door open. ‘Mama!’ she sobbed, suddenly needing her mother like she hadn’t since she was a child. ‘Mama!’
‘May?’ came a voice, and her mother appeared in the hallway, a tea towel in her hand as she stood, open mouthed, staring at her daughter.
‘Mama!’ May ran, colliding with her, wrapping her arms around her mother. The smell of her perfume, the food that had been cooked already, the fire crackling . . . She was home. She was finally home.
‘Gerald!’ her mother yelled. ‘Gerald, our May is home!’
May stood back and held her mother’s hand, gazing at her face, seeing the lines etched into her skin; the years since the war had started had aged her more than she could have imagined.
Her father appeared, his glasses perched on his nose. He opened his arms and May buried herself in his chest, crying as she held him, wishing she could stay hidden against him forever.
‘I’m sorry,’ she cried. ‘I’m so sorry I never came home, that I never wrote, I . . .’
‘You’re home now,’ her mother said. ‘That’s all that matters. Now let me get you something to eat. How did you get here?’
‘Ben,’ she said, squeezing her mother’s hand. ‘My Ben brought me home.’
‘Well, how about you come and tell me all about this Ben,’ she said with a chuckle. ‘I think I like him already.’
And so do I, very much so. ‘I need a minute, Mama. Can I go upstairs?’
Her mother nodded, and May walked past them both, needing to go up, to stand in the room where she’d said goodbye to Johnny. She climbed the staircase slowly, inhaling the familiar smell of home as she bravely nudged open her bedroom door. May hesitated for a moment in the doorway before crossing to the window and looking down.
‘Goodbye, Johnny,’ she whispered, touching the glass with her fingertips. ‘I love you.’ But as she said the words to Johnny, it was Ben she saw. He hadn’t left; he was still standing by the car in the lightly falling snow. She waved to him and he waved back, and she watched as he finally climbed back into the car, no doubt almost frozen to the bone, and drove away.
Ben had saved her. Ben had brought her home and made her face her demons. Ben had made her remember. And no amount of thank yous could ever tell him how truly grateful she was that he’d somehow stumbled into her life.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
ENGLAND, EARLY 1943
RUBY
‘You were right,’ Ruby said, waving the letter at May as they sat in the mess room. ‘I can’t believe it.’
With their ferry chits allocated and their day mapped out, they were all waiting for the milk run plane to collect them. May had come to sit with them, and it was a nice mixture of women sprawled out, reading books and knitting mostly.
‘What does she have to say for herself?’ May asked.
Ruby was still worried about her friend after they’d lost Polly. They had both struggled, but as Ruby had slowly managed to push away the awful images, May had seemed no better; although her time away with Ben had seemed to help. She hoped this news from Lizzie might at least make her smile. ‘It seems she’s developing a soft spot for a certain captain.’
‘I had a funny feeling about the two of them,’ May said, and Ruby was relieved to see her lips twitch.
She sat back and held the letter up, reading aloud.
‘Dear May & Ruby,
Well, it turns out that Captain Montgomery isn’t the ogre I thought he was. Would you believe he’s taken me out for two romantic picnics now? I still can’t believe it, but the man absolutely took me by surprise and charmed the socks off me! Well, don’t go thinking he charmed anything OFF me so to speak, because I’m certainly not going to be ending my career with a baby on the way!’
Ruby started to laugh, imagining Lizzie telling poor Jackson exactly that, and May chuckled beside her. ‘She’s brutally honest, isn’t she?’ she said. ‘I mean, wh
o else would say those things?’
‘I think Lizzie says whatever’s in Lizzie’s head, whereas most of us have a special filter that tells us when to say things out loud or not.’
They both laughed again, and Ruby wished she could thank Lizzie then and there for putting a smile back on May’s face.
‘I know it’s early to be talking marriage, but I keep making it very clear to him that I’m not the marrying type, because I don’t want him getting any fancy ideas that he can be the one to make me settle down. My darling mother would adore him, but honestly, I can’t imagine anything worse than being tied to a man for the rest of my life. Imagine him trying to tell me what to do! It would be preposterous. Anyhow, things are going mighty well here, aside from Jackson still trying to throw his authority around and making my girls march everywhere like little tin soldiers.
Keep those chins up, girls. We’ll never forget who we lost, but she would want us to be happy, right?’
Ruby lowered the letter. ‘I miss Polly so much,’ she said. ‘I still can’t believe she’s gone.’
‘Me too.’ May said. ‘I don’t think I’ll ever get past it, that pain of knowing she’s gone and we’re still here.’
Ruby hesitated, then decided not to hold her tongue any longer. ‘I know,’ she said in a low voice. ‘And after everything, I mean . . .’ She sighed. ‘You’re always here for us, May. But who’s here for you? If you need someone to talk to, about what happened, I want you to know that I’m here.’
May nodded and smiled, but Ruby could see the tears glistening in her eyes. ‘We’ve all been through a lot,’ she said, ‘but I’m fine. Ben was— Well, he’s been there for me. I actually feel better than I have in a long time.’
Ruby let out a breath. ‘I’m happy to hear that. He’s a good man, and he’s good for you, May.’
May squeezed her hand and headed back to her desk. Ruby folded Lizzie’s letter and tucked it into her pocket. She also had a letter from Tom squirrelled away that she’d read at least three times already; it didn’t look like they were leaving anytime soon, so she unfolded it again and stared at his familiar handwriting.
The Spitfire Girls Page 26
