by Trixie More
“Let me try again. Right now, today, this week, everything is wonderful. Better than wonderful, it’s everything I’ve dreamed of.”
Marley put her hands over her face. She started shaking her head side to side.
“What? What is it, Marley?” he asked.
“I hear the but...a great big but coming...” She sniffed.
He bit his cheek not to laugh at the idea of a great big butt coming. “Alison is not here...” he tried.
To his relief, Marley gave a watery chuckle. “This is not funny,” she said.
“I know. Let me finish...BUT...”
She started to shake her head again.
“But...” He tugged her in closer, tucking her head into the crook of his shoulder. “But...it’s important to me that we be careful with Karito.” Beneath his fingers, her shoulders lost some of their stiffness. She sighed against him. A waitress took a hesitant step toward them, and he shook her off, frowning. She hurried away.
“I thought Sophia was it, that we would be together, start a family, everything.” This was not what he wanted to talk about at Mastrelo’s of all places, but he didn’t get to pick the battlefield, it seemed. “Right now, I feel such love for you, Marley. This weekend was like everything I’ve wanted for so long—a wife, a child, family doing things together on the weekend—someone to work for, something to work for. I even thought about adopting Karito, finding out who her father is, seeing if we could work something out.” In his arms, Marley started to sob outright, and alarm ratcheted through him. He wanted to kick himself. He was fucking this all up. Why did they have to get to this place so fast? Why couldn’t she ease into things? Her warm brown fingers covered his, stroking over his hand, running from his elbow to his fingertips and back. He rubbed her shoulder. Marley quieted, and he just had to keep going, like a day when everything went wrong on the job, but you couldn’t go home until it was all buttoned up.
“I’m afraid. I’m afraid that I’ll tell you I love you, Marley, and it will be too soon. I’m afraid I’ll ask you to marry me if you make pancakes again. I’m afraid that I’ll start to think Karito is mine, and then one day, it will all go away—poof. You’ll leave, or we’ll fight, or I’ll go dead inside again like I did with Sophia.”
She was looking at him again. There was some black stuff under her eyes and a bit of snot on her face. Flesh, bone, makeup, and tears. Fragile. Like him. He took a napkin and dipped it in his water glass, wiping her cheek, turning it, and wiping under her eyes, knowing she wouldn’t want to look like this. After all, she had her pride. He kissed her nose.
“Right now, I love you, Marley. I want to believe this is it, but I’m not going to be rushed. When I ask you to marry me, I want you to know it’s forever. I want to know it’s forever.”
“What if I get pregnant?”
The words startled him. Was she? They hadn’t even slept together yet. “Are you?” he asked.
“NO!” She smacked his chest. “Estupido.”
“Okay...” he said. So this was hypothetical. It could be hard to tell with Marley. “Why are you asking these questions as if everything is up to me?”
The look on her face was priceless. If she wasn’t so upset, Ben might have laughed outright, a great barking laugh of happiness. She was priceless.
“What?” she said.
“Honey, Sophia left me, emotionally, physically, after years living with me. You’re acting like I’m the one who’s going to decide how things go for us. What about you? What if you don’t love me? What if you hang around at my place, leaving Karito’s toys in the guest room and your toothbrush in my sink, and then one day, you just pack up? I lose a girlfriend and a little girl all at once? What if I start building plans in my mind and you decide I’m too...I don’t know...estupido for you?” Her eyes were as big as saucers, as if she’d never considered this. “You might decide you don’t want me.” He let her go and leaned back, because of all the things he thought were likely, this last was the most likely outcome he could see. He knew himself well enough to know that if she just cared for him, just shared his life with him, he could stay loyal to her for all time. He was that kind of guy.
Her eyebrows snapped together. Ben could practically see her temper rising again. He was used to her volatile nature, storms came and went, leaving behind clear air and sun. At least she appeared to be done crying. He’d never seen her cry before, and he didn’t like it. He far preferred the cyclone.
“Why would I leave the father of my child?” she snapped.
His head spun. “You’re not pregnant, right? This is the hypothetical baby still?”
“Ooo! Of course, I’m not pregnant! Who would I sleep with? When would I do it? I work all the time!”
“Marley, why don’t you just say it, whatever is bothering you,” he said. “You’ll feel better.”
“You won’t leave?” she asked, her face suddenly looking like the young woman she was, flesh and bone, strung together with passion.
“I won’t leave,” he said.
“You know Karito’s father,” she said.
Jealousy roared through him, surprising him with the way his stomach clenched, the way the food on the table turned vile in an instant, the way he wanted to pound a fist or shout. The ferocity of it alarmed him, and he forced himself to maintain his composure. I’m too late, he thought. I’m already married to her in my mind. Nothing good could come of this.
“Who is it?” he asked.
“It’s you.”
His face went all red, then it went all white. Who could help her if he passed out? Marley glanced beyond Ben and saw Rose looking out of the little round window in the kitchen door. If she needed someone to help catch him, she could call Rose. First, she’d have to stop him from sliding out of the booth backward.
She grabbed his shoulders—just in case—like she was going to shake him. Then she gave a small tug toward her. Get him sitting up straighter, leaning toward the table. If he passed out, he could fall into the calamari. That would be okay.
“Ben? Can you hear me?”
“I’m the father?”
Diay. He was so slow. He needed to keep up.
“Of course you are,” she said. “Who else did I sleep with?”
“Wait. Wait,” Ben said. “Are you saying, from that one night?”
“Of course. Didn’t you notice we slept together, and nine months later, there was a new baby?” She rolled her eyes. “Estupido.”
That seemed to do it. The color came back to Ben’s face, and she felt much better.
“Hey. Wait. You didn’t tell me!”
“You slept with me and never asked me out again!”
“You wouldn’t even look me in the eye after that!”
“I was lookin’ at somethin’ else!” She retorted and then slapped her palm over her stupid mouth.
A slow smile spread over his handsome mouth, and he relaxed just the littlest bit.
“I wanted to talk to you again, but you seemed very, very cold.”
“Oh, my God. You are a very stupid man.”
“Oh, my God. You are a very hot woman. I was scared to death of you.”
She rolled her eyes. “That is the worst excuse for no second date I ever heard.”
The smile slid from his face. “Karito, is my daughter?” Ben’s brows tugged together, his mouth drooped.
“You.” She couldn’t finish the words. Oh, she was so stupid. Somehow she was doing this all wrong. Marley tried again.
“You’re not happy? You don’t love her?” Her chest pinched somewhere deep. Ben looked very serious and very sad.
“Marley.” His voice was gentle and sorrowful. She didn’t want to hear whatever he said next, she was certain of it. Marley took her hands from him and put them in her lap. She could be strong.
“You didn’t tell me?” He tipped his head; his cheeks looked softer, older. “All these years? You let my daughter grow up without a father? Without my money? Without my parents?” His
eyes were filling, water pooling along the edge of his lashes. “Without meeting George?”
“No, no,” she said. “It wasn’t like that.” Her heart was pounding, running away in her chest like she wanted to do. Why had she done it? “I did it because I love you.” And that was worse! She could see it in his eyes, the shock, the dismay. “No, a good love, not like you’re thinking. I didn’t want to burden you.”
That traitor, that tear slid from his eye, down the side of a cheek that looked too old for his age. She’d aged him and hurt him, and he’d lost his love for her, all in the space of a minute.
“What about your love for Karito? Don’t you love your daughter? Why would you burden her?”
“You don’t understand!” Now she had no pride; now, she grabbed at his sleeve. He looked at her fingers in his shirt like he’d never seen them before. No! No! This could not be happening. He loved Karito. She knew it.
“You’re right, Marley. I don’t.” Gently, he pried his shirt free of her grasp. He slid back, looked at the calamari and coffee as if he’d never seen food before, looked around like he’d never been in this place. He lifted up, and she held her breath.
Please God, don’t make him leave, she prayed.
Ben dug his wallet out of his back pocket. Opened it and looked in. Shut it. Opened it again, all with that slow, elderly confusion on his face. All her life she’d regret that look. His strong fingers, with their work-damaged nails and their calluses, plucked out a twenty-dollar bill. He set it on the table, looking puzzled, as if he couldn’t figure out if he’d left the right tip.
He looked in his wallet again, pushed the money around a bit, shut it. Ben stared at Marley.
“I’m sorry, Ben. I’m so sorry,” she said, as quiet as a mouse, quiet as a woman trying not to wake a sleeping child. “Please forgive me.”
He just looked at her, his anguish deepening the corners of his mouth.
Please, God, no more tears, she prayed.
“I don’t have enough,” he said.
She stayed quiet, afraid to say one word.
“On me,” he clarified. “I don’t have enough on me for child support.” The words seemed to wake him slightly, she could see him thinking. “I’ll figure out what it should be, and I’ll send that on to you right away. I’ll text you for the address.” He moved to the end of the booth and stood. “I’ll text you.”
“No, Ben, that’s not what I want,” she said. There were tears of her own pushing against her face, trying to come out. She refused them. She had no right to them.
“It’s what I want, Marley.” The gentleness in his voice undid her. She was crying by the time the door closed behind him.
By the time she’d taken the subway and the train and walked the six blocks to her home, Marley had finally stopped crying. She was so tired. If the world was a fair place, she’d get home, and her mother would have Karito in bed with her, and she wouldn’t have the heat up too high. Marley could curl up on the couch and just try to pretend this whole day didn’t happen.
Of course, the world was very unfair, and of course, her mother was awake when Marley opened the door. Karito was asleep on the couch. Marley sat at the small table in the kitchen.
“How was your day, Mama?” she asked.
“Long. E tu?”
“The same,” Marley said.
“I think it was worse than that,” her mother said in her native language. Marley answered her in kind.
“You’re right, Mama. You’re always right.”
“What happened?”
“It’s so unfair!”
“Marley, what happened? Are you sick? Did you lose your job?” Her mother sat beside her and held her like she’d done when Marley was a little girl, like Marley did with Karito.
“I told Karito’s father about her,” she whispered. Karito seemed to overhear things when Marley least expected it. She had to be quiet.
“And?” Her mother’s face was open and concerned, the soft shape of her cheeks sagging, the thin eyebrows raised, her cloudy eyes hopeful.
“Oh, Mama, it went terrible!” Marley started to cry again. Tomorrow her face would be swollen and red, but tonight she just didn’t care. “He blames me for keeping him away.” Marley lowered her voice again. “He thinks I don’t love Karito!”
“Marley, Marley, my girl, my good girl, he can’t mean that. Anyone can see you love Karito with all your heart.” Her mother held her and started to rock a little. It felt so good, and that made Marley cry too.
“He wants to give us money,” she said.
“That’s good, very good,” her mother said. “He can’t be too mad if he wants to do that.”
“No, I think he will love Karito, and I think he will help me with her,” Marley said. “I know he will.”
“But what can be bad with that, Marley?”
“Don’t you see? I wanted him to love us both!”
“You thought lying to him about his daughter would get you his love?”
“Oh! You sound just like him,” she said. She sat up and blew her nose. No more of this. No more of this crying and silliness. She was an adult woman, and she could do just fine without Ben.
“Ah, and there’s your pride again, I can see it coming back. Now you’ll tell yourself you never wanted this man anyway. You’ll tell yourself you can do without him just fine. Am I right?”
Marley looked away. Why did her mother have to know her so well?
“How warm does your pride keep you at night?” her mother asked her.
“Very warm! You’re as hot as an oven, Mama,” Marley retorted. She crossed her arms over her chest. Everyone was against her today.
“Marley, why don’t you just tell him you love him? Tell him you made a mistake, but you were trying to be good to everyone. That’s the truth, isn’t it?”
She nodded. She had been. She’d been trying to be loyal to Sophia, trying not to trap Ben into a marriage he didn’t want, trying to protect herself from making a life with a man who didn’t love her and trying to be sure that Karito wouldn’t bounce between them like a scrap being fought over. She’d tried to make everyone happy. She’d tried to love them all, herself, Karito, Ben, and Sophia. She’d been willing to do it all by herself if she needed to.
“When he spoke to me today, it didn’t sound very good. He said I denied Karito a father; I denied him a daughter. He makes me sound selfish and wrong.”
“Were you?”
“When he talks like that? Yes! I was terrible. The worst! How could he ever love me now? How can I ever look Karito in the eye?” Marley slumped in her chair. “Mama, tell me what to do.”
“Marley, I’m so proud of you, do you know that? You work hard, and you’re very brave, but nobody lives a whole life without making mistakes, without doing the wrong thing. Sometimes those mistakes hurt people.” Her mother shrugged. “Sometimes other people make mistakes that hurt us, sometimes we hurt them. Sometimes we act badly even when we’re trying to do the right thing. Sometimes we don’t even care about right and wrong. It all happens.” Her mother smiled at her. “All of this is part of life. It’s not good, it’s not what we want, but it happens.”
“So, we should forgive each other, I know!” Marley didn’t feel any better.
“Marley, before that, there’s something you have to do first. You have to admit your mistake, you have to apologize for the hurt you caused, knowing that you can never change it, and then hardest of all, you have to forgive yourself. As long as you don’t forgive yourself, it won’t matter if he forgives you. You’ll see the blame you hold inside yourself any time you look at him.” Her mother got up and kissed her head. “All right? You work on that. When you can admit your mistake and not feel small, then you can go find him and ask him to forgive you. Then maybe you can start again.”
Even after midnight, the temperature near Naples was almost seventy. Doug wasn’t sure he’d be able to recognize Liz, his eye was tired and he hadn’t seen her in almost three years.<
br />
“Doug!” Guess he was recognizable even if she wasn’t. She was off to his left, he had to turn entirely to the side to see her. It was Elizabeth; he did know her. Like the back of his hand. The thought brought up a swell of emotion that he pushed down. Since Sophia left, he seemed to have grown more feelings. He didn’t like it.
“Hello, Liz,” he called and walked over to her. Her hair was strawberry blond like Alice’s, and her face looked exactly the same as he remembered, just more adult. “I was afraid I wouldn’t know you.” He put down his bag and walked into her open arms. She hugged him tightly. When she let him go, her expression was concerned.
“Of course, you know me,” she said. “Is that your only bag? Are you ready to go?”
“Yeah,” he said. “I don’t want to wait.” They headed outside, with Doug following his baby sister. “Thank you for coming to get me.”
“Oh, don’t thank me, thank Jesse,” she said.
“Is that your latest Harley riding houseguest?”
“Actually, I’ve moved up to a better class of biker,” she said. Her mouth was smiling, but her eyes were serious. “Jesse’s got his own home and his own business. He doesn’t need a handout from me.”
Doug cleared his throat. He wasn’t sure if he’d just been chastised.
“It’s Okay, Doug.” This time, her slight smile was genuine. “I know what you did for me. What you did for all of us.”
He nodded. It was strange. All his life, he’d lived only to keep his sisters and mother supplied with food, shelter, and money. Now he found that other than Alice, he didn’t actually know them. Just Alice. Always Alice.
If anything happened to her, he didn’t think he could handle it. She had to live through this.
“This is our ride,” Liz said. They were approaching a conversion van with a vivid sunset painted on the side. “That’s Jesse.” The driver door opened and a man got out, engineer boots, ripped jeans, a denim shirt with the sleeves ripped off, tattoos, shaggy hair, long mustache, and a do-rag. The whole nine yards. Doug stuck out his hand. The guy grabbed it and used the grip to pull him into a half-assed hug, complete with a thump on the back.
