“Please, don’t leave like this. Just come back to bed.”
“I’m gonna go,” Jak said as she pulled her pants on. “If you want to talk…you know how to reach me.”
Jak left without another word. Leaving Sam, sitting naked on the bed, in the darkened room.
XIII
It had been a week since Jak stormed out of her life. Taking with her something abstract. Something unperceivable to the naked eye. She didn’t actually know what it was, couldn’t put her finger on what was missing. An appendage had been amputated but, when she looked down, they were all present and functioning. It was just a feeling she couldn’t shake.
During a moment of weakness, Sam took the long way to work just to pass by the firehouse. Her mother screamed in her head the entire time. How many times do I have to tell you before you get it through your thick skull? You must be sick to keep seeking rejection. She had hoped to catch a glimpse of the truck. To feel like Jak was still there, in her life. There was no such luck. She was nowhere to be seen. As if it would change anything. Sam would still be alone. Like the voices in her head, Jak was but a memory. Locked in her subconscious for all time, making her relive every accusation.
Completely ignoring the world outside, Sam retreated into her mind. Getting to work just as the bell rang. At least, it had saved her in the morning. Idol chit chat before homeroom was too much to handle. However, lunch was unavoidable. Knowing, if she attempted to sit elsewhere again, Britney would wrangle her like lost cattle. Bringing her back to the herd. Just another soul to get lost in the fields.
As much as she missed Jak. She was scared of what a date would bring, not wanting her feelings to grow. Knowing it would only hurt more when the relationship inevitably ended. She didn’t want to open up. It would just be more ammo for Jak to throw in her face. Another reason to leave her. She would know I’m broken. The end result would be more painful than she could imagine. So why was she even considering it?
Yet the inner struggle continued, despite her mind yelling to run for the hills. To protect herself from the pain. Exert a fraction of control and stay away!
Get it over with, go on the date. How much damage could it possibly do? Maybe she could keep control of the situation. If I keep her talking, I won’t have any reason to worry. Simply stick to light conversation. Ask lots of questions and change the topic anytime you don’t have an answer. Sam had become a master of misdirection. Like a magician, distracting and entertaining. Keeping the focus aimed where she wanted it, off her.
The flowers swayed in the breeze. Students milled about, in front of the school, prior to heading home. The day was over and everyone was moving on, moving forward. Going home to their lives and loved ones. She felt frozen in time. Doomed to feel the aching regret over and over. Time passed without meaning, without direction. Each minute was one she had endured without Jak. Without the warmth of her smile, beaming like the midday sun.
That night, as she sat alone in her enormous condo, Sam couldn’t force her focus on any one task. She didn’t know what to do with herself to pass the time. The television was as blank as her mind. Before Jak, she would spend her nights reading. Her life was filled with tall tales and adventures that got her pulse racing. Yet every book, even the suspenseful, had a love interest. In a book, every problem had an answer. One that was obvious to the reader, yet always blindsided the protagonist.
As she sat in her empty bed, staring out the large windows that lined every room, Sam felt lonelier than ever before. Her life had always been solitary. She lived everyday as she saw fit and wasn’t about to apologize for it. Nor had she foreseen a day when she would have regrets. There was no other option, no other way to live. People were awful and turned on you at the drop of a dime. She wasn’t prepared for her outlook to change.
There she was, with a notebook sprawled open on her lap. The only image she could call to mind, was that of a woman she had let slip through her fingers. She had written almost every night. Anytime Jak was in her arms, her thoughts just poured onto the page. Now it was a struggle to think of anything else. No joy flowed from her fingertips. No thoughts, no words. Only silence.
The only thing she had written in the last two hours was for Jak. Speculating on her thoughts, uncertainties and fears.
My body is not connected,
The time’s been rejected,
No one hears the cries,
Sees the pain in my eyes,
Our time has been lost,
My heart knows the cost,
You were never real,
Just an angel I feel,
Every day is a loop,
With never ending hoops,
How did you stop the tears,
Without knowing my fears,
My emotions bleed,
Giving advice I won’t heed,
You were taken away,
There is nothing left to say,
I lay here and feel,
You were never really real.
There it lay, taunting her. Daring her to move in the slightest. How could the lightest of pages weigh so heavy on her? Evidence for the world. Ammunition. An arrow straight to the heart. She stared at the page, wishing she had the answers. Wishing life was easy. That all the struggle and self-doubt could melt away. She wished, as she had often in her life, to just be a normal girl. That her mother had not filled her head with “words to live by”.
Thus far, wishing had never done her any good. It only kept dreams alive. Something she had known to never believe in.
XIV
The roar of the muffler could be heard, long before it came into view. Her chest tightening the closer she got to the monstrous tires, as if it would leave tread marks across her back. Pummeling her heart in the process.
The truck pulled into the spot beside her. She had been waiting at the firehouse for hours and planned to stay there as long as it took. There had to be a way to fix this. If she had one more night without Jak… One more day like the one that just past… Let’s hope I never have to find out.
Jak’s movements were hurried. Jumping from her Ford only an instant after it stopped. Running towards the building with wild abandon. She had seen Jak race away, rushing towards a fire, many times before. There was always a spark at the core, the center of her eyes. A liveliness she had never encountered before. It wasn’t the first time she envied the passion Jak had for her work.
Now, there was a hollow expression on her face, even before Jak registered her presence. A lackluster approach to her endeavor. Perhaps she was not the only one without inspiration. Jak’s eyes changed the instant her gaze locked on the intruder, becoming pools of liquid sorrow. She isn’t happy to see me. Flabbergasted, absolutely, but not pleased. It should have been expected, with how they left things.
It didn’t change why she was there. Sam didn’t budge. Moving from the door meant they would never talk. Jak would rush right by, without a second glance. If she wants to go to any fire calls, she will have to speak to me first.
Jak visibly straightened her shoulders as she approached. Stealing herself, bracing for a fight.
“Okay.” Okay? What? Was it code for something? All this time to think it over and that was all she came up with.
“Okay what?” Jak looked at Sam, expecting there to be more. Some context to go with that statement. What was she to infer from it? Okay, she was right? Okay, she had a confession to make? Was it even about them? Okay, the earth does revolve around the sun. What is “okay” supposed to mean after a week?
Why does she have to make it difficult? Do I have to spell it out? What else could it have meant? Wasn’t there only one question.
“I’ll go out with you.”
The shadows in Jak’s eyes were instantly chased away. Sam waited, letting the words carry the full bent of their meaning. Beyond the brick wall, she was sure had been erected in her absence.
“You will?” It sounded hopeful.
Thank goodness Jak was an open book. Always saying exa
ctly what was in her mind. Even when she didn’t, her face told the story of her heart.
“Yeah.” Her body relaxed, all the tension between them vanished with those few words. Jak looked like she wanted to kiss her and Sam prayed she would give in. Needing one kiss to get through the day. One heart melting, pulse thudding kiss. To reassure her that this was not a dream.
The spell between them was broken as another car pulled in. Jak’s eyes followed the direction the male disappeared in. When her stare returned, Sam knew she was leaving. It was as if Jak just remembered she was off to save the world. No time for the damsel.
“Ok, I have to go. You know, fire call. Saturday?” she asked excitedly.
“Saturday.”
Standing by the open bay door, Sam watched Jak donned her gear and climb on the truck. A gleaming smile flashed out the window as the Engine pulled onto the apron. The blaring siren could be heard even as the whirling lights disappeared from her view.
It took a while to compose herself. She thought, once she had seen Jak, her mind would ease. The worries would fade away like the siren, she could still hear in the distance. That was the problem, wasn’t it? She could still hear it.
She was wrong. The calm she had felt staring into Jak’s eyes left with her. Taking the last vestige of her sanity with it. From here on in she needed to be on her toes, keep the conversation rolling. If all she could say after hours of practice was “okay”, she was in trouble.
How will it work out Saturday? Will her mind shut down? Lately it felt like her brain had business hours. As soon as the day was done, a breaker was thrown. A light switch flipped off. No rational thinking, no spark of an idea. She was ruled by her emotions. Nothing more than a giddy schoolgirl or moody teenager.
Oh god, she was in high school. She hadn’t went through that phase in school. Never obsessed over a crush. Life was one miserable day after another, her mother made sure of that. She was a cheerleader because they were desirable, not for the love of the sport. She wasn’t allowed to hang out with kids her own age, never went to the mall or a party. Besides, she would say, laughing will cause wrinkles.
How did they do it, students? Get through the day with all the insecurities and emotions coursing through them? How would she?
XV
The day had finally arrived. Jak felt as if she would need to physically restrain herself to keep from jumping for joy.
After she left Sam’s apartment, she had been a wreck. Wanting to go back. To grovel. To be whatever Sam wanted her to be. Sure, she wanted more, but do you always get what you want? Maybe, with time, the relationship would have progressed naturally. If it was going to happen anyway, she made a big deal about nothing. Then again, if this was to go anywhere, something told her, Sam was going to need a push in the right direction.
They arranged to meet at Table 19 in Pere Marquette. She didn’t want to be tempted to skip dinner and go right to dessert. Sam was scantily clad in a short red dress with red pumps. They matched her ever present red fingernails and lipstick. She assumed Sam’s favorite color was red.
She noticed, in the last few weeks, Sam had a set work attire, including cosmetics. Since she was meeting a coworker at hoops, it explained the perfectly pink lipstick that first night. If she was going out or expecting “company”, it was always ruby red.
Jak went out of her way to wear the only dress pants and tie she owned. Making a mental note to get more “appropriate date apparel”, should Sam stick around. If they went out again, she didn’t want to wear the same outfit every time. Somehow, she couldn’t see it going over well with the, always impeccably dressed, woman beside her.
The restaurant was busy with waiters bustling about. Bits and pieces of other conversations could be heard over the noise. Guess there won’t be any awkward silences. She could but hope she wouldn’t have to yell to be heard. It wasn’t as if the crowd was deafening. Silverware clanked against plates. There was a faint swishing from a man’s coat as he passed by their table. Waiters droned on about specials and the wine of the day. While, on their own, they were small insignificant noises. As a collective, the clatter threatened to derail her train of thought.
“I was raised by a single mother. She worked a lot, so I would hang out next door. Mrs. Vaughn didn’t mind since Mike was my age.”
To this day she did not remember meeting her best friend. He had always been a part of her life. An extra limb since birth. His mother said they were born of the same flame, embers that danced together forever. Jak felt they were more like fire and steel. She could stand the heat without ever igniting.
“We used to watch his father run out on calls. It was better than television. As he shuffled for his shoes, tried to find the keys and dashed out the door every time his pager went off.”
There were many nights he didn’t get home until hours later, while she was tucked safely in bed.
When she was able to witness his return, he was welcomed back as a hero.
“He would barely walk in the door and we’d beg him for every detail. Mike’s mother would hug him and you could see the joy in her face, knowing he had come home safe. That was all that mattered to her. She didn’t care that he left, never got upset, as long as he returned in one piece.”
She hadn’t thought about how hard it was on Mike’s mother until now. She could see the same hurt, the same pain it caused, reflected in Sam’s face every time she tore through the street, bearing down on a fire. Yet, when she was young, her focus had been on the adventure, the heroics of the job. She never considered how it hurt the ones left behind.
Jak was sharing her past. Why she wanted to be a firefighter. How she met her best friend. What she was looking for in life. The conversation varied from life, to love, to philosophy. Having a drink as they waited for the food to arrive. In every instance, every topic of conversation, Sam deviated attention from herself. Refusing, with her silence, to tell Jak any little tidbit. No anecdotes. Not where she was born. Did she have any siblings? Nothing. She just wouldn’t open up. Any question that touched on the personal, Sam would clam up or change the topic. Asking never-ending questions, trying to keep Jak chatting about herself. It hadn’t gone without notice.
Lifting her glass, Jak took a long drink to bolster her courage. Needing to ask the questions that rattled around in her mind. Why agree to a date if you don’t want to be here? Reading the neon sign flashing over Sam’s head loud and clear, NOT INTERESTED! The same one she had up that first night. The more blaring warnings that flickered, the more irritable she became.
“You know, it is hard to get to know you when you won’t answer any questions about yourself.” It was the gentlest way she could think to put it. The only way that didn’t end with a backhanded comment.
“There are just some things I don’t like to talk about. Topics that are hard for me,” Sam stated vaguely. “Sometimes, things are best left in the past.”
Sure, some topics were hard. Lost friends. Embarrassing family members. Crazy ex-girlfriends. Heck, she could even understand an over attachment to a pet, but this was ridiculous.
“I understand. Like family, friends, why you choose your career, where you grew up, anything that is on your mind…should I go on?” She had heard of great listeners, but this was a whole new level.
What rational reasoning could she possibly have for not wanting to say where she is from? She remembered it was somewhere in Texas, but that was as much as she had gathered. Was she ashamed? Someone in her family a public figure? Was she “involved” with the law and didn’t want her to know? Okay, she thought, now you’re letting your imagination run wild.
“What does any of that have to do with who I am now?” Sam challenged. She was doing it again, trying to turn the tide. Get it flipped around. As if nothing was amiss.
“Who you are, is shaped by who you were. How you were raised might tell me if we have the same values. I want to know about your family, where you are from, so I will know who to thank for the beautiful woman
that sits before me. Tell me something.” Anything! Aggravation growing when Sam didn’t rush to answer, “You can’t just agree to a date and not contribute to the conversation.”
It was happening all over again. She was back in that apartment. Praying for Sam to open her mouth. For the right answer to come out. Well, any answer really. A pet’s name. Her shoes size. Anything at all was a start. Something to build off of. To show Sam was trying.
“I’m sorry…I can’t.”
“Then why are we here?” Jak was more than heated, she was hurt. Damaged in a way she hadn’t thought possible.
“I missed you,” Sam said as if that was reason good enough. Was a date, merely in name, substantial enough to justify sticking around?
Jak had missed her too, but could she risk her heart for so little in return? To hurt herself repeatedly, constantly giving herself to someone that would never do the same.
“Isn’t giving you everything, I can, enough? What more do you need?” Sam asked when Jak didn’t concede.
“No. It isn’t. You clearly only agreed, to a night out, to appease me. This isn’t a date, it’s an interview. One sided information gathering. You don’t want to be here, not with me. So, why say yes?”
“I do want to be with you, just not here.” Sam looked around the restaurant, as if to confirm no one was listening in. “No one at work knows about me.” She continued, so quiet it was barely audible.
What does that have to do with simple conversation? Are we making out on the table? That’s it! They must be in near undress, shocking all that occupied the restaurant.
“You’ve dated before, right? Are you in the closet?” It was a leading question; one she needed no answer to. They had met in a bar. Made out in public, nearly done more than that in the parking lot. She knew this wasn’t about being closeted. Sam had never exhibited any warning signs for someone that needed to hide who they were.
Volunteering Your Heart Page 9
