by T. S. Eliot
Never, even when travelling in Albania,
Have I made such a supper out of so few materials
As I found in your refrigerator. But of course
I was lucky to find half-a-dozen eggs.
EDWARD. What! You used all those eggs! Lavinia’s aunt
Has just sent them from the country.
ALEX. Ah, so the aunt
Really exists. A substantial proof.
EDWARD. No, no … I mean, this is another aunt.
ALEX. I understand. The real aunt. But you’ll be grateful.
There are very few peasants in Montenegro
Who can have the dish that you’ll be eating, nowadays.
EDWARD. But what about my breakfast?
ALEX. Don’t worry about breakfast.
All you should want is a cup of black coffee
And a little dry toast. I’ve left it simmering.
Don’t leave it longer than another ten minutes.
Now I’ll be going, and I’ll take Peter with me.
PETER. Edward, I’ve taken too much of your time,
And you want to be alone. Give my love to Lavinia
When she comes back … but, if you don’t mind,
I’d rather you didn’t tell her what I’ve told you.
EDWARD. I shall not say anything about it to Lavinia.
PETER. Thank you, Edward. Good night.
EDWARD. Good night, Peter,
And good night, Alex. Oh, and if you don’t mind,
Please shut the door after you, so that it latches.
ALEX. Remember, Edward, not more than ten minutes, Twenty minutes, and my work will be ruined.
[Exeunt ALEX and PETER]
[EDWARD picks up the telephone, and dials a number]
EDWARD. Is Miss Celia Coplestone in? … How long ago? …
No, it doesn’t matter.
CURTAIN
Act One. Scene 2
The same room: a quarter of an hour later. EDWARD is alone, playing Patience. The doorbell rings, and he goes to answer it.
CELIA’S VOICE. Are you alone?
[EDWARD returns with CELIA]
EDWARD. Celia! Why have you come back?
I said I would telephone as soon as I could:
And I tried to get you a short while ago.
CELIA. If there had happened to be anyone with you
I was going to say I’d come back for my umbrella….
I must say you don’t seem very pleased to see me.
Edward, I understand what has happened
But I could not understand your manner on the telephone.
It did not seem like you. So I felt I must see you.
Tell me it’s all right, and then I’ll go.
EDWARD. But how can you say you understand what has happened?
I don’t know what has happened, or what is going to happen;
And to try to understand it, I want to be alone.
CELIA. I should have thought it was perfectly simple.
Lavinia has left you.
EDWARD. Yes, that was the situation.
I suppose it was pretty obvious to everyone.
CELIA. It was obvious that the aunt was a pure invention
On the spur of the moment, and not a very good one.
You should have been prepared with something better, for Julia;
But it doesn’t really matter. They will know soon enough.
Doesn’t that settle all our difficulties?
EDWARD. It has only brought to light the real difficulties.
CELIA. But surely, these are only temporary.
You know I accepted the situation
Because a divorce would ruin your career;
And we thought that Lavinia would never want to leave you.
Surely you don’t hold to that silly convention
That the husband must always be the one to be divorced?
And if she chooses to give you the grounds …
EDWARD. I see. But it is not like that at all.
Lavinia is coming back.
CELIA. Lavinia coming back!
Do you mean to say that she’s laid a trap for us?
EDWARD. No. If there is a trap, we are all in the trap,
We have set it for ourselves. But I do not know
What kind of a trap it is.
CELIA. Then what has happened?
[The telephone rings]
EDWARD. Damn the telephone. I suppose I must answer it.
Hello … oh, hello! … No. I mean yes, Alex;
Yes, of course … it was marvellous.
I’ve never tasted anything like it …
Yes, that’s very interesting. But I just wondered
Whether it mightn’t be rather indigestible? …
Oh, no, Alex, don’t bring me any cheese;
I’ve got some cheese … No, not Norwegian;
But I don’t really want cheese … Slipper what? …
Oh, from Jugoslavia … prunes and alcohol?
No, really, Alex, I don’t want anything.
I’m very tired. Thanks awfully, Alex.
Good night.
CELIA. What on earth was that about?
EDWARD. That was Alex.
CELIA. I know it was Alex.
But what was he talking of?
EDWARD. I had quite forgotten.
He made his way in, a little while ago,
And insisted on cooking me something for supper;
And he said I must eat it within ten minutes.
I suppose it’s still cooking.
CELIA. You suppose it’s still cooking!
I thought I noticed a peculiar smell:
Of course it’s still cooking — or doing something.
I must go and investigate.
[Starts to leave the room]
EDWARD. For heaven’s sake, don’t bother!
[Exit CELIA]
Suppose someone came and found you in the kitchen?
[EDWARD goes over to the table and inspects his game of Patience. He moves a card. The doorbell rings repeatedly. Re-enter CELIA, in an apron.]
CELIA. You’d better answer the door, Edward.
It’s the best thing to do. Don’t lose your head.
You see, I really did leave my umbrella;
And I’ll say I found you here starving and helpless
And had to do something. Anyway, I’m staying
And I’m not going to hide.
[Returns to kitchen. The bell rings again. EDWARD goes to front door, and is heard to say:]
Julia!
What have you come back for?
[Enter JULIA]
JULIA. I’ve had an inspiration!
[Enter CELIA with saucepan]
CELIA. Edward, it’s ruined!
EDWARD. What a good thing.
CELIA. But it’s ruined the saucepan too.
EDWARD. And half a dozen eggs:
I wanted one for breakfast. A boiled egg.
It’s the only thing I know how to cook.
JULIA. Celia! I see you’ve had the same inspiration
That I had. Edward must be fed.
He’s under such a strain. We must keep his strength up.
Edward! Don’t you realise how lucky you are
To have two Good Samaritans? I never heard of that before.
EDWARD. The man who fell among thieves was luckier than I:
He was left at an inn.
JULIA. Edward, how ungrateful.
What’s in that saucepan?
CELIA. Nobody knows.
EDWARD. It’s something that Alex came and prepared for me.
He would do it. Three Good Samaritans.
I forgot all about it.
JULIA. But you mustn’t touch it.
EDWARD. Of course I shan’t touch it.
JULIA. My dear, I should have warned you:
Anything that Alex makes is absolutely deadly.
I could tell such tales of his poisoning people.
Now, my dear, you give me that apron
And we’ll see what I can do. You stay and talk to Edward.
[Exit JULIA]
CELIA. But what has happened, Edward? What has happened?
EDWARD. Lavinia is coming back, I think.
CELIA. You think! Don’t you know?
EDWARD. No, but I believe it. That man who was here —
CELIA. Yes, who was that man? I was rather afraid of him;
He has some sort of power.
EDWARD. I don’t know who he is.
But I had some talk with him, when the rest of you had left,
And he said he would bring Lavinia back, tomorrow.
CELIA. But why should that man want to bring her back —
Unless he is the Devil! I could believe he was.
EDWARD. Because I asked him to.
CELIA. Because you asked him to!
Then he must be the Devil! He must have bewitched you.
How did he persuade you to want her back?
[A popping noise is heard from the kitchen]
EDWARD. What the devil’s that?
[Re-enter JULIA, in apron, with a tray and three glasses]
JULIA. I’ve had an inspiration!
There’s nothing in the place fit to eat:
I’ve looked high and low. But I found some champagne —
Only a half-bottle, to be sure,
And of course it isn’t chilled. But it’s so refreshing;
And I thought, we are all in need of a stimulant
After this disaster. Now I’ll propose a health.
Can you guess whose health I’m going to propose?
EDWARD. No, I can’t. But I won’t drink to Alex’s.
JULIA. Oh, it isn’t Alex’s. Come, I give you
Lavinia’s aunt! You might have guessed it.
EDWARD and CELIA. Lavinia’s aunt.
JULIA. Now, the next question
Is, what’s to be done. That’s very simple.
It’s too late, or too early, to go to a restaurant.
You must both come home with me.
EDWARD. No, I’m sorry, Julia.
I’m too tired to go out, and I’m not at all hungry.
I shall have a few biscuits.
JULIA. But you, Celia?
You must come and have a light supper with me —
Something very light.
CELIA. Thank you, Julia.
I think I will, if I may follow you
In about ten minutes? Before I go, there’s something
I want to say to Edward.
JULIA. About Lavinia?
Well, come on quickly. And take a taxi.
You know, you’re looking absolutely famished.
Good night, Edward.
[Exit JULIA]
CELIA. Well, how did he persuade you?
EDWARD. How did he persuade me? Did he persuade me?
I have a very clear impression
That he tried to persuade me it was all for the best
That Lavinia had gone; that I ought to be thankful.
And yet, the effect of all his argument
Was to make me see that I wanted her back.
CELIA. That’s the Devil’s method! So you want Lavinia back!
Lavinia! So the one thing you care about
Is to avoid a break — anything unpleasant!
No, it can’t be that. I won’t think it’s that.
I think it is just a moment of surrender
To fatigue. And panic. You can’t face the trouble.
EDWARD. No, it is not that. It is not only that.
CELIA. It cannot be simply a question of vanity:
That you think the world will laugh at you
Because your wife has left you for another man?
I shall soon put that right, Edward,
When you are free.
EDWARD. No, it is not that.
And all these reasons were suggested to me
By the man I call Riley — though his name is not Riley;
It was just a name in a song he sang …
CELIA. He sang you a song about a man named Riley!
Really, Edward, I think you are mad —
I mean, you’re on the edge of a nervous breakdown.
Edward, if I go away now
Will you promise me to see a very great doctor
Whom I have heard of — and his name is Reilly!
EDWARD. It would need someone greater than the greatest doctor
To cure this illness.
CELIA. Edward, if I go now,
Will you assure me that everything is right,
That you do not mean to have Lavinia back
And that you do mean to gain your freedom,
And that everything is all right between us?
That’s all that matters. Truly, Edward,
If that is right, everything else will be,
I promise you.
EDWARD. No, Celia.
It has been very wonderful, and I’m very grateful,
And I think you are a very rare person.
But it was too late. And I should have known
That it wasn’t fair to you.
CELIA. It wasn’t fair to me!
You can stand there and talk about being fair to me!
EDWARD. But for Lavinia leaving, this would never have arisen.
What future had you ever thought there could be?
CELIA. What had I thought that the future could be?
I abandoned the future before we began,
And after that I lived in a present
Where time was meaningless, a private world of ours,
Where the word ‘happiness’ had a different meaning
Or so it seemed.
EDWARD. I have heard of that experience.
CELIA. A dream. I was happy in it till to-day,
And then, when Julia asked about Lavinia
And it came to me that Lavinia had left you
And that you would be free — then I suddenly discovered
That the dream was not enough; that I wanted something more
And I waited, and wanted to run to tell you.
Perhaps the dream was better. It seemed the real reality,
And if this is reality, it is very like a dream.
Perhaps it was I who betrayed my own dream
All the while; and to find I wanted
This world as well as that … well, it’s humiliating.
EDWARD. There is no reason why you should feel humiliated …
CELIA. Oh, don’t think that you can humiliate me!
Humiliation — it’s something I’ve done to myself.
I am not sure even that you seem real enough
To humiliate me. I suppose that most women
Would feel degraded to find that a man
With whom they thought they had shared something wonderful
Had taken them only as a passing diversion.
Oh, I dare say that you deceived yourself:
But that’s what it was, no doubt.
EDWARD. I didn’t take you as a passing diversion!
If you want to speak of passing diversions
How did you take Peter?
CELIA. Peter? Peter who?
EDWARD. Peter Quilpe, who was here this evening. He was in a dream
And now he is simply unhappy and bewildered.
CELIA. I simply don’t know what you are talking about.
Edward, this is really too crude a subterfuge
To justify yourself. There was never anything
Between me and Peter.
EDWARD. Wasn’t there? He thought so.
He came back this evening to talk to me about it.
CELIA. But this is ridiculous! I never gave Peter
Any reason to suppose I cared for him.
I thought he had talent; I saw that he was lonely;
I thought that I could help him. I took him to concerts.
But then, as he ca
me to make more acquaintances,
I found him less interesting, and rather conceited.
