The trouble was, it was hard to sleep when you were heartbroken and furious with someone at the same time.
She turned onto her other side, trying to block out the noise of the rain with her extra pillow. Stupid raindrops. There was no way she was ever going to fall asleep with it pounding on the roof, insistent as a drum.
Oh, who are you kidding? she thought. Her sleeplessness had nothing to do with the rain, and everything to do with Bryce and what he’d said earlier that evening.
She had thought he’d be willing to give their relationship a chance. Instead, he’d cut things off abruptly. Before they’d even gotten off the ground. What was he thinking?
Just twenty-four hours before, they’d made love. And now, she wasn’t sure he ever wanted to look at her again.
What did you expect? she asked herself. He put his heart on the line for you once, and got it broken. You should have known he wouldn’t be able to do it now.
He’d told her that he thought she wanted an adventure. It confirmed everything she had feared. Despite her best efforts, despite everything she’d tried to show him, she had failed. She had hurt him too badly five years ago. He was never going to believe that he’d been more to her than an exciting thrill.
And now things were over between them, almost before they’d begun.
She wondered, for the millionth time, why he hadn’t called and told her about the accident. No matter what had happened between them, he should have known that she would have been there to support him through something like that.
But maybe he hadn’t wanted her support at that particular time. And if he thought that he’d been nothing more than a fling to her, then it made sense that he wouldn’t call.
At the very least, he could have told her about his hand tremor when she arrived at the camp. But he’d kept that a secret, as well. She thought about how Bryce had claimed that it had been freeing to give up surgery. To her, it didn’t sound as though he felt it had been freeing. It sounded as though the pain of the breakup had been compounded by the pain of the accident.
When he’d told her that she would be the one to drill into Manny’s skull, she’d almost wondered if he’d lost his mind. She couldn’t believe that he would turn such an important procedure over to her. And she trusted him. She’d been so confident that he would be able to help. The situation was dire, but she’d known that Bryce, of all people, was the perfect person to handle it. His natural caution and his surgical expertise had been crucial at that moment.
For a split second, she’d been unable to comprehend his hesitation. Oh, she could understand why it would be a hard moment for him. She could tell he cared for Manny deeply, and treating a subdural hematoma was not without its dangers, even though trepanation and drainage often led to dramatic improvements in patients. It was a crude procedure, but it was effective. Even if they’d had time to bring Manny to a hospital in San Salvador, his treatment would have been much the same. The boy would most likely be on the mend within days.
At least that was one thing to be relieved about on a difficult day such as this. When everything else was going wrong.
Bryce had said he didn’t want her pity. She thought about when he’d bandaged her ankle, and she’d told him about her heart defect. How she’d become known as Heart Defect Girl in school. She had never wanted to be seen just as someone with a heart defect. There was so much more to her than that. Just as Bryce probably didn’t want to be seen as just an accident victim, a former surgeon with the best days of his career behind him.
She wondered if that’s what he’d heard when she’d expressed her shock that he hadn’t called her for help during such a difficult time in her life. It wasn’t what she had meant. But then maybe he’d only heard what he was afraid of hearing.
If he had called, would they still be together now?
The question stopped her racing thoughts. Maybe that was the point. After the breakup, she’d felt so guilty about getting Bryce into trouble. She’d left him out of guilt. If he had called her, or if someone had told her that Bryce had been terribly injured in a life-altering car accident, she might have felt even guiltier because of his injuries. Perhaps even to the extent that she would have felt compelled to stay with him.
As much as she hated to admit it, maybe Bryce had been right not to contact her. He did know her, after all. He knew that if she found out about the accident, she would have come rushing to his side. But then Bryce would have had to deal with her presence while he was recovering, and she would have had to deal with her own feelings while also supporting him. It would have been very hard for both of them. If Bryce had reached out to her, then maybe they would still be together now. But it would be for all of the wrong reasons.
They’d both needed some space to grow in the past five years. He might not have been honest with her about everything, but the changes she saw in him were things he couldn’t lie about. He was more easygoing, more carefree than he’d ever been when she had known him. Those changes were real. She thought again of their night in Juayua. Her response had been real.
She wondered who she would be today if she hadn’t left Bryce all that time ago. As painful as the breakup had been, the last five years had helped her to know who she was in a way she could never have imagined. She wasn’t the wild child she used to be, nor was she the straitlaced, buttoned-up Dr. Andover who did nothing but work, cook meals and then go to work again the next day.
She thought back to what she’d told Bryce on the bus. She’d tried to explain that for her, having adventures and taking risks were life-affirming. She’d meant it, from the bottom of her heart. But would she ever have realized that about herself if it hadn’t been for that conversation with Bryce? She hadn’t really thought about what it meant to her to be daring until she was confronted with the possibility of losing him again.
She would never have had that conversation with Bryce, or even with herself, if she hadn’t come to El Salvador. For years, she’d told herself that she’d given up her daredevil personality because of what happened with Bryce. But she’d found that part of herself again because of him, too.
She’d done what she came here to do: she’d reconnected with her adventurous side. She had hoped she’d be able to do it without anyone getting hurt this time, but history, it seemed, was doomed to repeat itself.
At least this time, she knew what she needed to do next.
* * *
Bryce wasn’t sure what it would be like to work with Cassie after their trip to Juayua, especially after he’d told her that he didn’t see things working out between them. He was worried that their mutual discomfort would probably be distracting for both of them. But his concerns about working with her turned out to be unfounded. He barely ever saw her anymore. On the rare occasions when they did cross paths, she was excruciatingly polite. They kept their conversations short and professional. He missed the easy friendship that had built between them, but he didn’t see any way for those times to return.
He considered asking Enrique if the two of them could be placed on opposite schedules, even though their awkward run-ins were already few and far between. But as he and Anna were talking together after a tough delivery, Anna mentioned how much she missed seeing Cassie during the day.
“What?” said Bryce. “Are you not seeing much of her, either?”
“She asked to be switched to night shift two weeks ago,” Anna replied. “I guess maybe she needed a change. But it means we’re not able to work together very often anymore. It’s too bad. She’s got such a reassuring way with patients.”
It seemed there was no need to request a schedule change, as Cassie had beaten him to it. He didn’t know if he should feel grateful that he wouldn’t have to work the night shift or annoyed that Cassie had requested the change before he did. He supposed the important thing to focus on was that he didn’t see Cassie very often at all.
It was a
small consolation. He missed her terribly. He missed her banter, her laughter, their occasional squabbles over patients. He missed her, but it would have hurt more to see her.
Little Manny’s recovery was going well. The biggest obstacle the medical team faced was trying to keep the boy still. He was curious as a squirrel, constantly being reminded that he couldn’t run after the doctors to see what they were up to. Bryce tried to ease his restlessness by visiting frequently.
He was glad when a shipment of donated books and toys came in from San Salvador. He headed to the pediatric recovery tent, hoping that bringing a few of the new items to Manny would help to relieve his boredom. He was surprised to find the normally cheerful boy looking despondent.
“What’s wrong?” Bryce asked as Manny sorted listlessly through the bundle Bryce had brought him.
“I miss Dr. Cassie,” he said.
He felt a jolt through his stomach at Cassie’s name.
“I understand,” he said. “You don’t get to see her as much anymore now that she’s on night shift.”
“No, I don’t get to see her as much because she’s gone,” Manny said.
Bryce froze. “What do you mean gone?”
“She left a few days ago,” said Manny, mournfully. “She woke me up to say goodbye and said she wasn’t sure when she was coming back.” His teary eyes met Bryce’s. “But she will come back, won’t she?”
Bryce tried to conceal his shock. “I hope so,” he said. And the moment he spoke the words aloud, he realized they were true.
For five years, he’d lived without Cassie in his life. And as difficult and painful as the last few weeks had been, he realized that nothing was more painful than the possibility that she might be gone from his life forever.
He had to find out if she were really gone. And if she was, then he wouldn’t rest until he found a way to get her back.
CHAPTER TEN
BRYCE COULDN’T STAND another moment of uncertainty. He went directly to Enrique’s tent. “Is it true?” he said, striding in.
“Hold on,” said Enrique, who was wrapping up a conference call. He finished, and then turned to Bryce. “I could sit here and pretend to be naive, but I have a feeling I know what you’re asking about. Or whom you’re asking about.”
“Is she really gone?”
“If you’re talking about the best ob-gyn this camp has ever had, then yes, Dr. Andover is gone. She went back to New York. She said something about a job at her old hospital that sounded very interesting.”
Bryce waved a hand dismissively. He didn’t care about whether Cassie had her old job back. He cared that she was gone. “When did she leave?”
“A couple of days ago. She asked me to be discreet about it.”
She’d been gone for days, and he hadn’t noticed? His heart plummeted.
“In fact, I’ll be blunt. She asked me specifically not to mention it to you when she left. But she did leave you a note.” Enrique handed him an envelope.
A note. How appropriate. Would it always be notes with the two of them? He could see the outline of her writing from within the envelope. Clearly, she’d had much more to say this time than she had five years ago.
He opened the note.
Dear Bryce,
I wanted to leave you a better note this time. One that would force me to say everything our relationship deserves, no matter how hard it is to put the words down on paper. I used to think it was so important to live without fear, but thanks to you I know that it’s even more important to live without regrets. And if I left El Salvador without you knowing how much our time together has meant to me...well, that would be a huge regret.
We’ve both talked about how we grew up in overprotective families. We probably both know, more than anyone, that sometimes you have to have some distance from the people you care for the most in order to grow. And so I’m leaving now, in order to give us both that distance and in the hope that we’re both stronger, better people for it.
We’ve said some wonderful things about moving forward, but I guess Juayua showed us that we’d never be able to follow through. I have to admit that there were many, many times that I didn’t want to follow through. Holding on to the past felt so good that I didn’t really want to think about the future.
But we both need to move on, because we both deserve good futures. You, Bryce, deserve an amazing future. And I can’t bear to stand in your way.
Cassie
He blinked back tears.
He’d messed up. He knew it. He’d been so worried about protecting his heart that he hadn’t realized he was preventing himself from seeing what was right in front of him. He really was his parents’ son. He’d grown up to be just as overprotective and obsessive as they were, except for him, his overprotectiveness was all directed toward his emotions. And now it had cost him everything. Unless there was a chance he could get it all back.
He knew, now, that he’d been foolish to ever think that he was just a thrill to her. She’d shown him that repeatedly. And if she also happened to be someone who needed excitement in her life...well, he’d learned that so did he. He’d never want to quell that adventurous side of her. It was an integral part of her...a part of her that he wanted in his life more than ever.
He folded the note into a small square and put it into his wallet. “I’ve got to find her.”
Enrique sighed. “Why do I have a feeling I’m about to lose yet another one of my best doctors?”
“Just for a little while. I’ll come back, I promise.”
“Anything to help you figure out your love life,” said Enrique. “Actually, it’s fine. You’ve got more vacation days saved up than any of us. But...don’t stay away too long, Bryce. We need you here. Come home soon. And bring her with you, if you can.”
He felt that he’d have to be very, very lucky to come back with Cassie. Still, he had to try. He might not be able to find her in New York. And then even if he did, she might not even want to see him.
It was just a risk he’d have to take.
* * *
It felt incredibly strange for Cassie to be back at Brooklyn General Hospital.
After just a couple months in El Salvador, it felt surreal to set foot in a New York hospital again. The rooms and hallways were immaculate and full of state-of-the-art equipment. The hospital was set up to take care of anything a patient needed, as well as some things they didn’t. Cassie remembered all too well the requests many of her patients had made for specialty spa treatments as part of their birthing “packages.” If a patient were wealthy enough, the hospital would provide anything that money could buy.
Despite all of the wealth on display, she was also struck by how impersonal the hospital was. She watched doctors and nurses reviewing charts and transporting patients, and she realized that she barely recognized any of the faces. When she’d worked here, she’d been so focused on her job that she hadn’t had much time to form relationships with many of her team members. It was different at the medical camp, where everyone knew everyone else on sight. The small size of the camp made it easy to discern who did and didn’t belong there. But here, even though she knew the entire layout of the hospital like the back of her hand, the people themselves were strangers. Even though she’d spent more time at work than at home over the past few years, these people didn’t know her and she didn’t know them.
But the impersonality of her surroundings was a small price to pay for the position and salary she’d just negotiated. Cassie had returned to her old hospital with a proposal. Brooklyn General, with its wealth of resources, was in an ideal position to form a liaison office with Medicine International. Doctors at Brooklyn General would be able to volunteer in El Salvador as well as other countries, and physicians from around the world would be able to consider Brooklyn General a home base to use for research, medical supplies and equipment. And Cassie would overse
e it all.
The hospital administrators had been thrilled with the idea. It would make the hospital look good—a private hospital with a strong philanthropic outlook—and it would allow physicians to volunteer without having to leave their jobs as Cassie had. They were concerned, however, that overseeing the department would mean extensive amounts of travel to El Salvador and probably to many other countries, as well. Would Cassie be able to handle that?
She smiled and said that she thought she could make it work.
She walked out of the hospital’s large double doors and took a deep breath, reveling in the warm sunshine. In a single afternoon, she’d set up a job that could provide all the adventure and excitement she would ever need.
The only thing to overshadow her happiness was the occasional thought of Bryce.
She knew she’d done the right thing by leaving, but that didn’t make it any less painful.
Forward motion, she thought. She had left so that she and Bryce could move on. And for the past few days, she’d been doing exactly that. She had an exciting new job to look forward to, and as for her love life...maybe, someday, that would sort itself out. Until then, she was going keep trying to let go of the past and move forward.
To celebrate the good news about the job, she headed to her favorite coffee shop just across the street from the hospital.
She was standing in line to order when she felt a tap at her elbow. She looked down at a coffee cup. And the hand that was holding it belonged to Bryce.
“Black, with two sugars,” he said.
“Bryce!” she cried. “What are you doing here?”
He gave her a lopsided smile. “Do you really have to ask? I got your note.”
Falling Again in El Salvador Page 15
