Important Man comes bustling over. ‘Who’s the handler?’ he asks.
Despite Bev preening like a peacock, I guess that would be me, so I put my hand up.
‘A quick rundown of the script for you. We’ll put your alpacas into the barn where Shelby will be discussing getting his new alpacas and his plans for them including the new shop and tea room. When his love interest, Marla – Scarlett Vincent – arrives. Gordon and Marla will have a row.’ He frowns at me. ‘There will be some shouting. They’re not easily startled, are they?’
‘Er … ’ I consider lying, but decide honesty is the best policy. ‘Yes, they are.’
‘Oh,’ he says. ‘We’ll try to keep the shouting to a minimum.’
‘I think that would be a very good idea.’ Even the sight of a bumblebee can scatter this lot.
‘We’ll move the alpacas into place now, have a couple of run-throughs, and hope we won’t keep them for too long.’
‘Right.’ There’s not much else I can add. I try to look relaxed and professional, as if we’ve done this a thousand times while inside, my stomach is churning like a washing machine set to spin. ‘We’re in your hands.’
‘Good, good.’ He bustles away again.
‘He must be the boss,’ Bev whispers. ‘I wonder if Shelby remembered to ask him about my part?’
I watch the immaculately dressed Scarlett Vincent move into position. A vision in white. ‘He’s probably got other things on his mind.’
Clipboard Woman waves us forward and we head to the barn.
Shelby’s double comes and shakes me by the hand. ‘I’m Graham,’ he says. ‘I’ll be looking after the llamas for you.’
‘Great.’ Close up, he’s beefier than Shelby and looks like a man who could control marauding animals. ‘They’re actually alpacas.’
He casts his eyes over them. They all have their compliant faces on. ‘Nice-looking beasts.’
‘Specially groomed this morning. Have you worked with them before?’
‘No, but I’ll be fine. When I’m not working on Flinton’s Farm, I deal with lions, stallions, all kinds of wild animals.’ He laughs. ‘I’m sure I can handle a llama.’
‘Alpaca.’ One more time.
‘Yeah, yeah.’
‘They’re skittish,’ I warn. ‘A bit unpredictable. You need to keep your eye on them.’
‘I’ll take good care of them. I promise,’ he says. ‘We’ll be all right won’t we, boys?’
Surely a man used to animals would realise that Tina Turner is a lady alpaca? Perhaps he just didn’t look closely enough.
So, with only one sharp stab of reluctance, I hand them over to his tender loving care.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Graham leads the alpacas into their allocated place in the barn and I’m pleased to see that he keeps a good firm grip on them. After a bit of skittering about from Tina Turner and them all trying to wrap Graham in their halters, as is their way, our babies settle. Then we stand like lemons watching on while the crew take some close-ups of him doing animal-type things – scratching their necks, offering some food pellets. No one takes a bite out of him – which is excellent. Perhaps my misgivings are unfounded after all. Only when the crew have finished their fussing does Shelby take up his position.
There’s more filming and then Scarlett Vincent sashays on, moving as if she’s on a catwalk. She still has on the tight white jeans but now she’s sporting a low-cut white top that leaves little to the imagination. Never has a person looked more out of place on a farm. But goodness me, she’s pretty.
‘Is everyone ready and happy?’ Important Man says. Shelby and Scarlett nod. ‘Turn over on camera A and B please. OK, stand by, Scarlett. And action!’
‘Gordon,’ she says breathlessly, breasts heaving. ‘We need to talk. We can’t go on like this. I think your wife has her suspicions.’
I whisper to Bev. ‘He has a wife too?’
‘Busy bloke,’ Bev whispers back.
Shelby moves towards his love interest. Worryingly, the alpacas skitter a bit behind him and they haven’t even got to the shouting bit yet. Tina Turner is looking particularly animated. I’ll swear that she has mischief on her mind and I reckon she might like to risk a sneaky bite of Shelby if she can get near enough. Where’s Graham gone? The supposed animal handler is nowhere in sight. Who will grab her if she makes a beeline for the star?
My heart goes to my mouth as I murmur to myself, ‘Don’t get too close, Shelby. Don’t get too close.’ But he is concentrating on Scarlett and is unaware of the jostling going on behind him.
‘No.’ Scarlett dramatically holds up a hand. ‘Don’t touch me. I can’t bear it.’
‘You’re so beautiful,’ Shelby says. ‘I can’t resist you.’
Who writes this, I wonder?
Then, when there’s a meaningful pause for them to exchange longing looks, Johnny Rotten comes to the edge of the pen next to them and sneezes loudly. That startles Tina Turner and Rod Stewart who bolt for the fence and, with very little effort, push it over. Clearly, television fencing is not as robust as real farm fencing. Unfettered, they trample the fallen fence and pick up their pace as they exit the barn. Johnny, not to be outdone, runs after them.
‘Oh, shit,’ I say.
All three of them make a dash for the village green, scattering cameras and crew as they go. It looks as if they make a particular beeline for anyone holding cups of tea and drinks are thrown up in the air, lights are knocked over, camera crew scatter. Clipboard Woman looks as if she’s about to expire.
Bev and Lucas dive into action and give chase to them. Graham, who is supposed to be in control, appears from behind the barn with his phone in his hand, guiltily caught not attending to his charges. A little too late, he follows in hot pursuit. The alpacas crash their way over the green and within seconds the pristine set of Flinton’s Farm looks … well … exactly like an actual farm.
‘Cut!’ Important Man cries.
See, I told you, never work with children or animals. Especially alpacas.
‘Sorry, sorry,’ I say from the sidelines. ‘So sorry.’ I can’t run after them as humiliation has rooted me to the spot.
There’s much laughter from the crew and they try to regroup. Clipboard Woman rushes round picking up dropped cups and papers.
The alpacas, happy to be the centre of attention, run this way and that with Lucas and Bev in hot pursuit.
Eventually, when most of my life has been replayed before me, Bev shouts, ‘Got them!’
I could cry with relief as I watch her, Lucas and the rather ineffective Graham grab hold of the Houdini Three and wrestle them back to the barn. If Graham is this useless with alpacas, I wouldn’t like to see him with lions. Professional animal handler, my arse. I should have been the one to look after them. I knew it.
As the laughter dies down, I slip into the barn too. I grab Johnny from Graham’s slightly ineffectual care and wipe his nose again. ‘Bad boy,’ I tell him. ‘No running away. And we could do without another sneeze, thank you very much.’ Then to the crew who all seem to be staring at me, ‘So sorry. Very sorry.’
‘Ready to go again when you are,’ says Important Man with a heavy sigh.
When it seems as if everyone is settled once more and the bolting alpacas are restored to their pen, Shelby and Scarlett take up their places. Someone else with a clipboard pops in to remind them where they’re up to and they talk through the lines.
‘Shelby? Scarlett? Good to go?’ the Important Man asks.
They both nod and, he says, ‘Turn over on A and B. And action!’
Just as they’re about to start their scene again, Scarlett glances down. Her scream is ear-splitting. What no one had noticed, especially me, is that she has a big globule of green alpaca snot right in the middle of her chest. It’s sliding slowly but inexorably towards her ample cleavage.
‘Get it off me,’ she shouts. ‘Get it off me!’
While she hyperventilates, everyone stands a
nd looks at her, horrified. But not a single person dashes to her assistance. Is no one going to do anything? When it’s clear they’re not, I sweep in with my kitchen roll, ripping sheets off as I go.
‘Do excuse me,’ I say to Scarlett, but she is frozen with horror.
I scrape off the worst of the snot, then dab furiously at Scarlett’s chest with the kitchen roll while saying, ‘I’m sorry. So terribly sorry.’
It’s spattered all over her white top too, but I daren’t touch that as rage is boiling in her eyes.
Shelby steps forward. ‘What a mess,’ he says kindly. ‘No harm done, though. Off you go to Wardrobe, darling. They’ll find you something else to wear.’
A couple of young women now risk rushing in and usher the rather stunned Scarlett away.
I’m mortified. Totally mortified. Yet when I glance at Shelby I can see that behind his hand, he’s hiding a smile.
Chapter Thirty-Five
We are summarily dismissed from the set. Flinton’s Farm, it seems, will fare better without alpacas in its future.
We take our charges back to the truck and load them in. Clipboard Woman stands glowering at us. Clearly checking to see that we leave the premises without causing any more havoc.
‘You let me down. You let yourself down,’ I tell Johnny Rotten before I close the tail gate. He doesn’t look the slightest bit chastened.
‘It was bloody funny though,’ Bev says, stifling a giggle.
Lucas, Bev and I all jump into the cab. I put my head into my hands. ‘Did that really just happen?’
We look at each other and burst out laughing.
‘Don’t,’ I say through my chuckles. ‘I’m so ashamed. They hadn’t even done anything! They could have sneezed over anyone else and it would have been fine.’
‘I’m glad it was her,’ Lucas snorts. ‘Hil-ar-ious!’
‘Did you see her face!’ Bev lets out a full-on cackle.
‘Stop it,’ I say. ‘Don’t. I’m so embarrassed.’
Eventually, we all manage to stop laughing and calm down enough for the drive home.
‘We won’t get paid now,’ I remind them. ‘We came all this way for nothing.’
‘I didn’t even get my starring role,’ Bev complains as she wipes tears from her eyes. ‘And my mascara’s ruined.’
‘At least you’re not covered in alpaca snot,’ Lucas points out and that starts us off all over again.
‘We’ll find a tea room and I’ll treat us to cake on the way home. It won’t hurt the alpacas to wait as they’ve disgraced us.’
So we compose ourselves again and set off. I’m on driving duty so I trundle along until we spot a nice garden centre that serves tea and cake. We leave the truck and the alpacas out of harm’s way in the very far corner of the car park, but we don’t linger over our cake just in case.
We drop Lucas at his fabulous home as it’s on our way. He looks worn out and I think he’s had enough excitement for one day.
‘Apologise to your dad for us,’ I say. ‘It was a nice thought. I wish it had worked out better.’
‘He won’t come home tonight,’ Lucas says. ‘He’ll go up to London with her.’
It shouldn’t make any difference for me to hear that, but it does. Lucas stands and watches us as we drive away. He looks so small, so lonely – especially against the backdrop of that big manor house – and it’s all I can do not to turn round and scoop him up again.
Even though there’s no traffic coming, I pause at the end of the drive and lean on the steering wheel. I ought not to get too involved with Lucas or his father. I should keep my professional head on at all times.
‘What?’ Bev says.
I turn to her, chewing my lip. ‘I could go back for him.’
‘Drive, woman,’ she says firmly. ‘Lucas isn’t your responsibility.’
‘No.’ But that doesn’t stop my heart turning inside out.
‘We do our best for him.’
‘Yes. I can’t help think of him there by himself.’
‘He’s got a housekeeper. Some might say that makes him very privileged.’
‘You know what I mean. It’s not exactly the same as having family around, is it?’
‘You can’t save them all.’ Bev puts her hand on my knee and pats.
But I don’t want to save them all. I just want to save Lucas. Still, I do as I’m told and put the truck into gear. Though as we drive away, I’m still hurting.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Alan, of course, is surprised to see us back at the farm so soon. ‘What’s up?’
‘Our brief flirtation with stardom didn’t go quite as smoothly as planned,’ I tell him as I unlock the back of the truck.
Alan looks at me blankly.
‘Johnny Rotten sneezed all over the star.’
‘Oh,’ Alan says and I think he might smile, but can’t quite tell behind all that beard. ‘Alpaca snot is lucky.’
‘Isn’t that bird poo?’ I question.
‘Works with alpaca snot too.’ Alan, if no one else, looks convinced.
‘I’d better go and buy a lottery ticket this week then. I could do with a Ferrari and a house in the South of France,’ Bev says. ‘I’m off home to get out of this gear before it gets dirty. I can’t wait to get my civvies on again.’
‘I’ll put the alpacas away by myself, shall I?’
‘Great,’ Bev says, oblivious to my tone. ‘See you in the morning!’
We haven’t even bet on Alan’s T-shirt yet. Off she goes.
‘Business as usual then,’ I sigh. ‘How has today gone here, Alan? I hope it was better than our day. Has everyone else behaved themselves?’
‘Yeah,’ Alan says. ‘All well.’
‘That’s good, at least. Want to help me get Triple Trouble back into their field?’
Alan nods, clearly having exhausted his conversational skills.
So we unload the alpacas and put them back in their field. I give them some pellets as a treat even though I’m not sure they deserve it and wipe Johnny’s nose again.
‘You’re a bad lad,’ I chide, though I can’t help but smile as I say it. I can only hope Shelby will forgive us, if not Scarlett Vincent.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
I text Shelby after what is now known as The Embarrassing Event and apologise profusely, but he just sends two kisses in return. He’s a busy man, I guess. I also ask Lucas if he’s upset with us, but Lucas just shrugs and says he hasn’t really seen him to talk to. All I can do is try to put it to the back of my mind, but the sight of Johnny Rotten’s snot all over Scarlett Vincent is not an easy image to erase. I’m sure Scarlett Vincent must feel the same.
I’m still thinking about it when Little Dog and I do my early morning rounds. It was hoofing it down last night, so all the sheep are huddled together in the barn. I can hear the sounds of hungry bleats getting louder and more insistent as I move from one pen to the other in the yard, dishing out brekkie and saying good morning to everyone. When the pigs, bunnies and goats are all catered for, I grab two more buckets of feed for the sheep and head to their corner of the barn.
But when I get there, the pen is open and the sheep are making a beeline for the yard, Anthony at the head of them looking in a very anti-social mood.
‘WTF?’ I stare at them, dismayed. How on earth have they got out? I wonder if I didn’t secure the gate properly last night? Even in my usual exhausted state at the end of the day, I try to be very careful about things like that.
‘Come on, guys,’ I say, trying to sound as if I’ll stand no messing about. ‘Back into the barn. I can’t cope if you’re all out like this.’
I try to herd them back towards their pen, but they’re wandering all over the place. Only Anthony is looking stubborn. He has his shoulders up, his head down, which is never a good thing. Little Dog gives a cursory bark and then decides to hide behind me, which may be a very sensible thing. I’m currently being circled by sheep, all pressing in around me. Anthony is eyeballing
me. He looks as if he’s up for a fight.
I hold up a hand. ‘Stand down, Anthony. I’m the boss here.’ Though it doesn’t actually feel that way.
But he’s having none of it. He’s clearly woken up in a vile mood, and he barges towards me and knocks me clean off my feet. The feed buckets hit the deck at the same time as I do and the food scatters everywhere. Wasting no time at all, the sheep dive in. They devour their breakfast, oblivious to the fact I’m lying on the floor beneath them and, to see them in action, you’d think they hadn’t been fed for days. I struggle to sit up, but am squashed in by pushing, shoving, munching sheep who are trampling all over me. I’m flat on my back and helpless. Above their bowed heads, I can see Anthony peering over, giving me the evil eye. Obviously, he considers his work here is done.
Then I hear a car at the gate and Little Dog rushes off, barking. I do hope that it’s Alan and that in his doggy way Little Dog is trying to alert him to my plight. A minute or so later, above the noise of bleating lambs in a pack, I hear someone shouting my name. ‘Molly! Molly!’
‘Over here,’ I yell back.
Then, thankfully, I see Shelby and Lucas appear.
They clap their hands and dash towards the sheep who take off and scatter to all four corners of the yard. Shelby and Lucas run after them – here and there, mostly in circles, trying to round the sheep back into the pen. It’s times like this when I could do with a well-trained sheepdog who could assist, not someone like Little Dog who barks and wags his tail at the excitement of it all and only makes matters worse.
Eventually, Shelby and Lucas manage to secure them all back in their pen. All except for Anthony, of course, who dodges them both and gallops off into the far reaches of the yard to see what other mischief he can find. That terror of a sheep will surely be the death of me.
While Lucas is securing the rest of the recalcitrant escapees into their pen, Shelby comes back to me. I’m sitting, still dazed, on the ground. Shelby holds out his hands and helps me to my feet.
Happiness for Beginners Page 13
