by M. Garzon
Seth came and stood in front of me, his clear blue eyes clouded with concern. “Do you really not want to go?”
I hesitated. The truth was that I was dying to see Spain. In fact, I was eager to see as much of the world as I could, and I’d covered precious little of it so far. And I was burning with curiosity about my little sisters and other unknown relatives, but it was starting to feel as though the price for satisfying my desires would be too high.
“You want it as bad as I do.” Seth answered his own question, and I silently went back to feeding.
Like most winter Sundays it was a quiet evening, and we were all in the living room watching TV when Seth brought it up.
“How would you feel about Téa and I taking a trip, Dec?”
I looked daggers at Seth but he ignored me, focusing on Dec.
“Alfonso invited us to come and see him in Spain, and-” Seth trailed off at the sudden scowl on Dec’s face.
“We don’t have that kind of money,” Dec said. His voice was brittle with tension.
Seth licked his lips quickly and looked at me, next to him on the couch. “Well, he offered to pay for it.”
“What?” Dec stood up.
A few short months ago Seth would have immediately backed down, but now he rose and faced Dec squarely. “It wouldn’t cost you anything, so there’s no reason for us not to go. It’s winter, we can find someone to take over the lessons for a little while.”
I expected Dec to yell, but the look he gave us was almost puzzled.
“I adopted you. Don’t you know why I did that?”
“I thought it was so you could make legal decisions for us,” I said uncertainly. Not to mention every other decision, I added mentally.
“That was part of it,” he agreed. “Your mom wanted to be sure that no one could take you away from me.” He paused. “I wanted to make sure of that, too. And he’s not going to take you now.”
“Yeah, ’cause what a pain in the butt it would be to replace us in the barn,” Seth muttered.
Dec’s hand went up so fast I didn’t even see it. We stood, a frozen tableau, until Seth’s eyes moved from the menacing palm to Dec’s face. “Go ahead,” he said quietly.
Dec’s hand lowered slowly. He gripped Seth by both arms.
“It wasn’t the barn I cared about,” he said roughly. “We were already talking about selling it.”
“What?” I moved next to Seth and stared into Dec’s face.
Dec sighed. “Around the time I met your mother, Gran and I discussed selling the place. But your mom loved the idea of raising you here, and I could tell Gran wasn’t ready to let go. And then you kids got so involved... the business was running well with both of you helping, and I got to be home a lot more. I got to spend time with all of you.”
I started shaking. We’d lived here half our lives, but this was the first time I’d heard that we were truly wanted.
Dec let go of Seth. He looked at each of us in turn. “I’m the one who’s been here all this time. I’m the one who loves you.”
I backed away, shaking my head. “No! You don’t get to say that now, not now!”
I ran upstairs and slammed my door like a hormonal teenager because I knew he’d hate it. I fell on my bed, crying angry tears and wondering why in the world I was so upset that my father had finally told me he loved me.
When I was cried out I called Jaden.
“What’s wrong?” he asked as soon as he heard my voice.
I hiccupped my way through an explanation.
“I’m coming over,” he said, his voice low and worried.
As much as I craved the comforting balm of his presence, antagonizing Dec didn’t seem like the right move, and I convinced Jaden I could wait until the next day.
He was waiting when I got home from school, and we snuck straight up to the hayloft and hid in a corner behind a pile of bales. Once he’d pulled me onto his lap my crying started all over again, and he tucked my head under his chin and rubbed my back, waiting.
“I know it sounds ridiculous, but he really picked the wrong time,” I whispered hoarsely. “Even after our mom died and we were scared we’d be sent away, he didn’t say he loved us. Just that this was our home and it always would be.”
“I think that was his way of saying he loved you,” Jaden said gently, smoothing a damp tendril of hair away from my face. “If you’d ever met Granddad you’d understand better. He was a hard man. I doubt he ever told his kids that he loved them.” He paused, pulling me closer to his chest. “Would you like to go to Spain?”
“Well, yes, I’d love to go to Europe,” I said. “Not only would I get to meet my family, but that’s where the show jumping scene is right now. All the big purses, big classes, and spectacular breeding farms. We have some amazing talent here but everything’s so spread out, it’s more expensive to travel to the big events. Europe was never a possibility for me before, but if this relationship worked out I could conceivably compete there, eventually. Do you know how incredible that would be?”
He chuckled. “And to think some people go there for the history and culture.”
I gave a rueful grin. “Okay, so maybe my priorities are a bit skewed. It’s fantastic to consider, even for a second, that something like that could be within my reach. But horses aside... there’s a whole other family over there that I’d like to get to know. The trouble is, what would I come home to?”
I knew Jaden understood. Dec and I had been working so hard to build our relationship. I was afraid to open that tiny hole, to pick at the one thread that could undo the carefully stitched fabric of my family.
“Whatever you decide, querida, I’ll support you. If this is important to you, I can help you with Dec. You’d start with a short visit, I assume?” Only his eyes betrayed a hint of his concern.
I shook my head. “I’m not going at all.”
That’s what I said. But my heartbeat drummed a constant question: what if, what if, what if. My life might change in ways I couldn’t even imagine yet.
We discussed it again with Seth during the bedtime check.
“I’m still bothered by the fact that he disappeared without a trace, and he’s never apologized for it,” I said as I bolted the feedroom door shut.
“He was only nineteen,” Seth protested. “The same age we are now. Face it, would you feel ready for a baby right now?”
I shook my head quickly. The very thought was alarming.
“Regardless of age, he had a responsibility,” Jaden said, frowning at Seth. “If you got Julia pregnant you’d do the right thing, wouldn’t you?”
“And what does ‘the right thing’ mean?” Seth asked.
“It means you stand by her, you support your child, and you shelve your own dreams if necessary,” Jaden said firmly.
“It wouldn’t be much of a sacrifice then, I suppose, since I don’t have any dreams worth pursuing,” Seth said bitterly.
I suppressed a groan. It sounded like Julia had been chiding Seth about his lack of ambition again, and this really wasn’t a good time for it.
* * *
No one talked about it after that. We had finals coming up and between the demands of work and studying the question of a trip to Spain got relegated to the domain of ‘maybe someday’.
Teri was almost as nervous as Seth about finals. “It’s different than I thought it would be,” she said over hot chocolate in the kitchen one day. “I picked nursing because I wanted to take care of people, but so far my courses are all theory.”
“I hear you. My biology degree’s so dry I have to think they did it on purpose.”
As we headed upstairs we heard giggling coming from behind Seth’s closed door. I rolled my eyes, but Teri stayed quiet, eyes downcast. We barely had time to sit down in my room before Dec came stomping up the stairs. He pounded on Seth’s door while Teri and I inched into my doorway.
The door flew open to reveal Seth, his hair mussed. I caught sight of Julia behind him, hurriedly buttoning her blouse.
“Julia, Seth isn’t allowed to entertain girls in his room,” Dec said. His expression was grim. “Would you mind waiting downstairs?”
Julia flipped her hair over her shoulder and strode past us, clearly annoyed. We knew her parents had no problem with Seth being in her bedroom, but hey — she knew Dec, and this wasn’t a surprise. Dec advanced on Seth.
“Don’t hit him!” Teri blurted.
I winced even as she blushed scarlet. She just couldn’t stay quiet when she was nervous. A flush began creeping up Dec’s neck, but I couldn’t tell if he was embarrassed or angry. He gave a curt nod before closing the door behind him, but his voice boomed easily through it. I closed my door too, before turning to Teri.
I considered her quietly for a minute. “Why didn’t you ever tell Seth how you feel about him?”
She looked away. “I don’t know. I never thought he’d be interested in someone like me.”
“What do you mean, ‘someone like you’? You’re awesome.”
She sighed. “Seth is cute and sweet and funny and half the girls in school want him. And if he’d shot me down I would’ve been too embarrassed to show my face around here again. Think how awkward that would be.”
“More awkward than it is now?” I asked quietly.
“That’s different. Now it only affects me. Besides, Julia was into him, and she always gets what she wants.”
I nodded. That much was true. “But maybe Seth would have chosen differently if he’d had a choice to make.”
Teri snorted. “Yeah, and maybe Picasso will win the Nation’s Cup at the Royal.”
“I used to think that way too,” I said, “until Jaden. If I can have him, anything’s possible.”
* * *
Seth was still prickly about the incident a few days later when he strolled into the kitchen and dropped haphazardly into a chair.
“Hey Sis, are you home tomorrow night?”
“Yup. Why?” I asked over the fridge door.
“Jules wants to check out some new restaurant, and then we’re going to a play.”
“Again?” I was surprised Seth had the money to go out again.
Seth gave me an apologetic look. “I’ll have to stay in town overnight, so can you take my Sunday morning class?”
“You owe me,” I grumbled.
“Yeah, what’s my tab at? Four billion?”
“And six.”
Dec came through the door. “What are you negotiating now?” he asked.
I hesitated a second too long. Dec stopped on his path to the coffeepot and turned around.
“My rates for teaching Sunday morning,” I said lightly.
Dec’s brows rose ever so slightly as he turned to Seth. “And where will you be?”
Seth straightened up. “At Julia’s,” he said steadily.
“No you won’t!” Dec yelled. “I’m not having this discussion again, Seth. You can’t sleep at your girlfriend’s house and that’s final!”
Seth’s face contorted as though he was going to either cry or scream. “I’m going out,” he muttered, lurching to his feet. I’d never seen Seth storm from a room before. When I heard the front door slam I turned to Dec.
“Why do you always go to the yelling place?” I asked in despair. “He’s under a lot of stress right now.”
Dec snorted. “Stress! He doesn’t know what stress is. Wait until he’s running a business and supporting a family and doing extra work on the side, then he can complain about stress.” He headed for his office, still huffing.
I lay in bed that night listening for the sound of Seth coming home but by one a.m. I still hadn’t heard it, and I finally fell into a troubled sleep.
I woke up the next morning feeling jittery and out of sorts. Dec silently helped me start feeding. Seth hadn’t come home, and I could tell by Dec’s brusque movements and flared nostrils that my brother was in for it.
Dec violently yanked the baler twine off a bale of hay, scattering the flakes.
“He’s okay,” I offered in a low voice.
He stared at me for a second, then nodded before heading down the aisle. We both knew that if Seth was seriously injured, I’d probably know. When we were twelve Seth had broken his arm while out on a trail ride and I’d burst into tears in the barn — I hadn’t known what was wrong, only that it affected Seth. With Dec’s anger spurring him on we finished feeding the hay in record time, and he left me to dole out the grain.
When I was done I hurried through the frigid December air to my own breakfast. On my way past the shed, I noticed Dec’s truck was gone. I sighed. I was used to being the troublemaker, not the one left behind.
I was teaching Seth’s morning class in the arena when Jaden arrived. I was so relieved to see him that I was tempted to run to him, but we didn’t need any extra drama and I managed to limit my greeting to a smile. His answering smile from the gate faltered, and his long stride carried him quickly over to me. One of the newer students, obviously distracted by his presence, veered her horse sharply toward him.
“Haley! Stay on the track,” I admonished.
When I turned back Jaden was examining me with obvious concern.
“I’ll explain when I’m done,” I told him quietly. “Meet me in the house?” He nodded, his gaze so warm it enveloped me like a blanket. My heart lifted a bit. Everything would be okay.
Dec still wasn’t home when I finished my lesson. I was in the kitchen relaying the day’s events to Jaden when Seth came in, looking like a cat in a roomful of rocking chairs.
“He’s not here,” I reassured him.
Seth sagged visibly. On closer inspection he looked exhausted, his blond locks unusually scruffy.
“Sit down, I’ll get you something,” I told him.
“Coffee would be great,” he said as he collapsed into a chair. I put the coffee in front of him and wrapped my arms around him for a minute, standing behind his chair, before I got orange juice for Jaden and me. I went and sat between them.
“What happened?” I didn’t have to work not to sound angry; I couldn’t find it in myself to be judgmental of Seth. Not after everything he’d helped me through.
He winced. “After I left here I went to see Jules... I just wanted some comfort, you know? Someone who’d understand. But she started telling me that I had to stand up to Dec and it turned into a fight. I ended up going to a party with Kyle to get my mind off things. I drank a bit too much, and before I knew it I was making out with this girl.”
“Who?” I interrupted.
“Brittney. I think you’ve met her.”
I nodded.
“Anyway, one thing led to another, and pretty soon we were headed upstairs. I came to my senses, though, before anything happened, and I felt like crap about it. But then Brittney went and shot her mouth off to everyone that we did the nasty. I could kill her.” He covered his eyes with one hand. “Julia’s already heard; it’s all over the web. I’d do anything to undo it... but Jules will never forgive me.”
“Have you talked to her?” I asked gently.
Seth shook his head miserably. “No. She won’t answer my calls. If she’d only talk to me, then I could explain, tell her it’s not what she thinks. Tell her how sorry I am.”
“You know, Seth, even if Julia wanted to forgive you, she might not find it easy,” Jaden said slowly. “Even if she manages to put aside her feelings of betrayal, re-establishing trust may take a long time. Are you prepared to live on a very short leash while that happens?”
I knew that Jaden was speaking from experience, but I felt angry with him nonetheless because this wasn’t the time to be moralizing. What Seth needed right now was our unequivocal support; the lecturing could wait. I kicked Jaden’s foot under the table and frowned at him. He gave me a ‘what?’ sort of look back. I turned back to Seth.
“Do you want me to talk to her, Moo?” I asked softly.
His troubled blue eyes met mine. “I don’t know, Sis — I don’t want to cause trouble between
you. She’s pretty pissed.”
“Don’t you think she has the right to be?” Jaden interjected.
There was no way Jaden could have misunderstood the angry look I shot him now.
“Of course she does,” Seth said. He was starting to sound impatient. “I just wish she’d hear me out, that’s all. Maybe there are factors she hasn’t considered.”
“I’m sure she’ll come around,” I said soothingly, patting his hand. “Just give it a few days. You know Jules, it takes her a while to calm down, but she’ll be rational when she does.”
Seth nodded. “Thanks, T.”
He headed upstairs, and as soon as he was out of earshot I turned my full attention on Jaden.
“Why are you kicking him when he’s down?” I demanded.
“Seth’s a man now, Téa. It’s time he started acting like one.”
“Meaning what? That he can’t make a mistake?”
“Certainly he can. But he shouldn’t expect to escape the consequences of his actions just because he’s ‘sorry’,” Jaden said, a bit harshly I thought. Obviously, this was still a touchy subject for him.
I groaned and dropped my face into my hands. This was not turning into a good day. Jaden’s warm fingers gently pried one of my hands away.
“Sorry,” he breathed. He rested his face against my uncovered cheek. “I should be reducing your worries, not adding to them.”
We were just heading out when Seth trudged down the stairs, dressed for the barn. Jaden glanced at me.
“I apologize,” he said to Seth. “I was out of line earlier.”
Seth’s eyes widened slightly before he nodded. “It’s okay, bro. You had a point.”
Dec didn’t return until mid-afternoon. He backed his truck up to the barn and started unloading supplies into the feedroom, and I went quickly to intercept him.
“Seth’s back,” I began.
He nodded abruptly. “Saw the car.”
“Dec... he and Julia broke up. Please, please don’t make a big thing out of him staying out last night,” I pleaded.
He gazed at me uncertainly. This was clearly a conflict for him; his every instinct would be telling him to come down hard on Seth right now.
“He’s devastated,” I said quietly.
